


Love Undefined

by hummingbirdswords



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-14
Updated: 2016-12-14
Packaged: 2018-09-06 05:00:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 38
Words: 160,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8735854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hummingbirdswords/pseuds/hummingbirdswords
Summary: It’s been eight years since the last time Regina and Emma saw each other, eight years since Emma lost part of her happiness, her family, and everything fell apart. But she hasn’t forgotten those three years in New York, or any of what Regina had brought into her life. And if she can be honest with herself, she might even admit that she wants it back.  A late night phone call to Regina takes Emma back eleven years to when they met, saved each other from loneliness, and Emma started learning what it meant to live. She relives the moments that had changed her life for the better, and even the ones that had hurt.  The question is never if there was love between the two of them, but if the love that was there eight years ago will be enough to bring them back into each other’s life.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm SO happy that I'm finally able to share this with all of you. It's been such an experience writing this, and I hope y'all enjoy reading it. 
> 
> A few thanks: 
> 
> firstly, to bgmoth for creating art to go with the fic. I've been so excited to see what you would create from the moment I found out we were paired together. Your talent has always blown me away, but you've also been really understanding throughout this process and I appreciate that so much. It's been a pleasure, Max. 
> 
> secondly, to the mods for organizing the event. Bringing together artists of all sorts is such a brilliant, beautiful thing, and I'm so happy I was able to be a part of it. 
> 
> and lastly, to Kez. I don't even have words to thank you enough for all you've done to help me get through the last eight weeks of planning and writing. Without your encouragement, belief in me, and just...everything, I seriously doubt this fic would exist right now. much love to you, darling, as always.
> 
> Make sure you go check out the beautiful artwork **[HERE](http://archiveofourown.org/works/8800138)** and tell bgmoth how amazing they are, because holy wow!!

**February 2017**

 

Some people weren’t meant to be forgotten. Some people were meant to come into your life and turn everything upside down, change your entire view of the world. They pushed you to see the person you could be if you stopped doubting your abilities, stopped seeing only the worst in yourself. They reminded you what it was like to believe in something larger than yourself, what it was like to dream again. Some people came into your life and left a mark so deep that forgetting, even if you wanted to, was impossible. They were always with you, for better or worse.

 

Regina was that person for Emma Swan. Even after eight years apart, she still felt the flutter of familiar excitement when she did so much as think of the throaty laugh that used to fill her bedroom and make her skin tingle with warmth. She still smiled when she pulled out the pictures she could never get rid of, the ones where they were happy and everything had felt easy. Thinking about the way Regina would look at her, so unlike the way anyone else had ever done so, like maybe Emma was a rare gem meant to be cherished, still made Emma’s heart feel warm and full.

 

Regina Mills had walked into Emma’s life when she needed someone, and even though she was no longer physically there with her, she had never left her heart. Emma had always known she wouldn’t. One did not simply let go of a person like Regina. It wasn’t allowed. It was not an exceeding sense of self-worth that made it that way, but Regina’s own devotion, the magnitude of the love she would show you. It was impossible not to love someone who was caring and gentle at their core, and so Emma had known that loving Regina would not only be inevitable but one of the easiest things she would ever do.

 

* * *

 

Swallowing down the last of her drink while leaning back against the upholstered headboard, Emma expelled a lengthy sigh and tried to quiet the thoughts of Regina. A trip down memory lane was the last thing she needed as she drowned her loneliness in cheap alcohol, but her thoughts were all that she had to keep her company late at night. The thought of Regina, even of everything eventually falling apart, as painful as it was, still soothed an ache inside her that nothing else had been able to reach for years. There was a need buried inside her, hidden away, untouchable to all but one, and even though Emma was trying to flush it away with whiskey, she knew that the need, the ache, would remain.

 

Most days, Regina would only cross her mind briefly. There were little reminders of her all around Emma’s home, parts of Regina and their past etched into Emma’s belongings as if they had carved their names into everything like one would to a tree. Books, sweaters, knickknacks, and all sorts of things could produce a flash of warm brown eyes or the familiar scent of gardenias. Sometimes she could hear the whisper of her name and goosebumps would scatter across her skin, a chill would travel down her spine, but, of course, there would never be anyone there.

 

Regina was normally just someone Emma had once known who she occasionally thought about. But then there were the days like this one, where Emma couldn’t stop thinking about all that they were and wonder what more they could have been. There were days when Regina wouldn’t leave her mind. She was even more stubborn in Emma’s thoughts than she had been in the flesh, and that was saying a lot when Emma was pretty sure she had never met anyone more stubborn than Regina Mills.

 

Pouring herself two more fingers of whiskey, she accepted that she was not in control of her thoughts. She folded her legs and pulled her hair free from the elastic, sighing as she massaged her scalp and let the blonde waves fall over her shoulder. Her eyes closed and she brought the glass up to her mouth, savoring the flavors that coated her tongue, the slight burn as it slid down her throat. The whiskey warmed her belly and made her wish for colder weather, relaxed her as she sighed again.

 

She missed New York most this time of year, when she could picture fresh snow and the fireplace warming the cold in her bones. She’d spent most of her life experiencing all four seasons, but she had lost that when she moved down to Florida and started her life over. She had done well for herself in Florida, probably much better than she would have done if she had stayed in New York where everything was overpriced and felt unattainable to a twenty-two-year-old with nothing to fall back on. But now that she had a better idea how to navigate life, eight years of stability that even she was surprised she had accomplished, she was ready to move on, leave Florida and go back to where she had started learning who Emma was.

 

She wanted to go back to where life had started for her – and maybe that was the real reason she had been thinking about Regina so much lately. Because life had been happening around her for nineteen years, but it wasn’t until she had met Regina that it started making sense, that it felt like more than something she was forced to be a part of. It was after Emma met Regina that life had started, and she missed the way things had been back then.

 

A tree branch hitting her bedroom window made her eyes pop open. She turned to face it and ended up staring at the midnight sky, getting pulled in by the darkness and the glow of the moon. There weren’t many visible stars, but it had always been the moon that Emma scanned the sky for. For the two or three months she had lived inside of an abandoned car in Maryland, she had used it as a sense of comfort, something constant.

 

It was strange where one found their comfort in a time of need sometimes, but for the seventeen-year-old with no family, friends, or money, it was the moon illuminating the sky that had helped her get through that tough time. And it was the moon that she gazed at with a fond smile now, for she could clearly picture all the nights she had lain not in an old car that smelt like cigarettes and mold but in a warm bed, the scent of gardenias floating around her as she traced the moon with her eyes. The moon reminded her that her struggles were not forever.

 

Emma stretched out in her bed when she finished the last of the liquor in her glass. She was a little more than pleasantly buzzed, possibly finally unwound enough to fall asleep soon. Head on her pillow, she reached for her phone to put on some music to fill the silence. But curiosity, or maybe the alcohol, gave her an idea that she would probably regret later. She was impulsive on a good day. Late at night and after a few drinks had shut down the part of her brain in charge of making rational decisions, she was impulsive and prone to making bad choices – like looking for a woman on Facebook who should have been a ghost to her.

 

She didn’t even use Facebook. She had a few friends she was close to, and most of them were from work or the neighborhood. She didn’t have a family to stay in touch with, no high school buddies to miss. And from what her coworkers at the center all said, Facebook was a mess full of homophobic, racist, misogynistic assholes who didn’t even bother trying to hide their bigotry and ignorance – which was exactly the kind of people Emma had zero tolerance for. Facebook wasn’t for her. But for the possibility of connecting with the one person who had managed to make Emma ‘I don’t miss people’ Swan miss them after eight years apart, she would go onto Facebook.

 

She rolled over onto her stomach and chewed on her bottom lip. She typed ‘Regina Mills + facebook’ into the search, but then she paused when an unpleasant thought popped up in her mind. What if Regina wasn’t a Mills anymore? What if she had gotten married? It had been eight years, and a lot could change in that amount of time. Did she really want to find out that Regina was married to some perfect guy with two-point-five kids and a dog named Rex from Facebook? Did she really want to ruin the illusion that she had actually meant something to someone for once?

 

Emma’s chest started feeling tight and uncomfortable, and it was as though all the oxygen was leaving the room. She quickly sat up and put a hand on her chest, trying to push the pain away, make it fade, stop completely before her heart exploded in her chest. Because that would be the kind of thing to happen to Emma. _Orphan, high school dropout, and once a homeless thief, Emma Swan has died from imagining an old friend being married to a man_. Imagine that.

 

She would laugh if her chest didn’t hurt so badly, if breathing didn’t feel like a challenge. She clutched her chest tighter as a shot of pain surged through her. “Sonofabitch,” she breathed out, praying to all the gods she never believed in, promising she wouldn’t be stupid and look up Regina on Facebook if they made the pain stop. She looked out the window and whispered, “Please,” asking the moon because she probably had a better chance with it than she did with any of the gods. She hadn’t exactly lived the kind of life most gods and goddesses would approve of, and she wasn’t waiting on Aphrodite or Ares to send her help.

 

When her chest did not automatically loosen, she closed her eyes and counted the seconds while taking breaths in between. She had been taught so many tricks for getting herself to calm down when her anxiety would rise, but none of them ever helped her. The counting and breathing was the only thing that seemed to do anything for her. She wasn’t sure if it was because it gave her something else to focus on until the feeling faded, or what it was, but she counted all the way to 261 and then fell back on her bed, looking up at the ceiling.

 

Perhaps there was still a small part of her brain making good decisions, because she decided that looking Regina up was off the table for the night – and probably any other time. It was best if she stopped wondering what she was up to in life. Regina could have just as easily reached out to her if Emma was someone she still thought about. She could have found a way to get in contact with her at any point in the last eight years. She hadn’t, though, so that should have been reason enough for Emma to move on, to allow more than casual and temporary into her life. But it wasn’t.

 

The part of her that clung to what she had had with Regina, to the feeling of knowing she belonged and was wanted by someone, argued that she hadn’t actually tried to reach out either. There had been thoughts of sending her an email, looking her up, all sorts of things, yes, but Emma had never actually done anything to show Regina that she still cared about her, that she still thought about her. What if Regina was doing exactly what she was doing? What if Regina spent her lonely nights thinking of the life they could have had? What if Regina allowed herself to secretly still want that life like Emma allowed herself when she was alone and nobody would ever know?

 

What if she called Regina’s old number and she actually answered?

 

And just like that, she was making what was probably a bad, bad, bad decision. But those were the kind she was best at.

 

* * *

 

The ringing phone sounded like it belonged on the soundtrack of her very own horror film, each ring another step towards her doom. Her heart joined in, adding the heavy bass as it boomed and her pulse thundered in her ears. It was horrible, each moment she waited for someone to pick up on the other end of the call. She almost hung up twice just to make the ringing stop. But then she would have to start over again, and who knew how long her alcohol-induced courage was going to last?

 

It felt like the phone just kept ringing and ringing and ringing, and then, when Emma’s stomach was almost in four different knots, a groggy voice replaced the ringing. “Hello?”

 

Emma’s heart lurched forward and her body did the same, Emma rushing to sit up in the bed. That one word was too much to take in while laying down. She needed to be more alert – even if her head was spinning from the sudden movement and the whiskey in her system. She shuffled over to the head of her bed and pulled her bent legs to herself, leaned her chin on one of her knees and closed her eyes. She wanted to close herself away with the sound, the sleepy timbre of that voice.

 

“Hello?” was asked again, more agitated this time. “If you have the nerve to call me in the middle of the night, you should have no problem actually speaking when I answer.”

 

Right. She was supposed to actually say something.

 

“Hello,” she said, and her voice shook with the same nerves that were making her abdominal muscles flutter. Emma cleared her throat and dampened her lips. “Regina?”

 

There was a pause, an exhale, and then what sounded like rustling bed sheets. “This is she,” Regina said simply, almost hesitant. The annoyance had left her voice completely.

 

Emma’s heart skipped a beat or two and she almost forgot to speak again. But she forced herself to stay in the present, to be alert. She couldn’t freak out now that she actually had Regina on the other end of her phone, and she couldn’t turn back.

 

She breathed out a long breath and said Regina’s name again, like she needed to be sure of it, of the way it felt slipping past her lips. “Regina,” she whispered into the phone once more. “It’s you.”

 

“I’m well-aware of who I am. I don’t, however, know who you are, nor do I know why you’re calling me past business hours. If you need to speak to–”

 

“Crap. I’m sorry. I didn’t even think about how late it was,” Emma blurted out suddenly, interrupting Regina. “This wasn’t a good idea. I shouldn’t have called. I don’t know why I did. I mean, I do. I just, you know, shouldn’t have. Random calls in the middle of the night should probably be avoided. I didn’t really think this through, which is probably obvious now, and, uh...” she huffed out a breath and let her ramble die mid-sentence, horrified by the jumble of words that were rushing out her mouth and tumbling over each other. She couldn’t have sounded more nervous if she tried. She pinched her nose. “I’m s–”

 

“Emma,” Regina breathed out, almost too quiet to be heard. She said it in a way that revealed more hope than Regina had probably meant to display, a softness to Emma’s name, like it needed to be marked with ‘fragile’ and wrapped in bubble wrap. She cleared her throat. “Is this Emma?”

 

She nodded, and then rolled her eyes at herself for nodding when she couldn’t be seen. “Yeah. Emma Swan.” The corner of her mouth quirked as she exhaled. “Hi.”

 

There was a long pause of near silence where the phone picked up a few stray sounds. As she waited for Regina to say something, she kept her eyes closed and listened in. She was trying to picture her, follow the movements she could hear.

 

The sound of the sheets brought a clear picture of Regina in bed to her mind. She pictured her sleepy face and tousled hair, the little wrinkles between her eyes she used to get when her sleep was disturbed. She saw her leaving the bed, walking somewhere close by when the floorboards creaked loud enough for Emma to hear them. Her feet were probably bare, because she hated socks, and cold on the wood floor.

 

The Regina in her mind closed herself in another room when Emma heard a door closing and a small thud. She saw her leaning against the back of the door and exhaling the shaky breath that made Emma’s fingers squeeze around her cell phone more tightly. She saw her hand on her stomach, the way Regina used to do when she needed to steady herself, when she needed to protect herself. Emma hoped she was only trying to find a sense of calm and steady after the surprise that had probably rushed through her from having Emma call her.

 

Regina cleared her throat again and asked, “Why are you calling me so late? Is everything all right?”

 

Not ‘why are you calling?’ or ‘what do you want?’, but ‘why so late?’.

 

“No, yeah, everything is fine. I really didn’t realize how late it was until a moment ago. I’m sorry.”

 

“Everything is okay, then?”

 

“Yeah. Promise. This isn’t an emergency or a last phone call kinda thing. I just, you know...” she trailed off with a shrug, biting her lip.

 

Regina’s breath was heavy in Emma’s ear when she exhaled loudly. “I see time hasn’t changed your tendency to leave thoughts unfinished. That’s good to know.”

 

Emma laughed – too hard, too loud, and it ended up hurting in her chest when she stopped. “No, I’m still pretty much the same person I was before, just older.”

 

Regina hummed shortly, but there was no verbal response from her for over two minutes. Emma waited every second for it, holding her breath, feeling the tightness in her chest, exhaling and biting the inside of her cheeks, and then starting over again. She had called. She should have said something, asked all the things that were racing through her mind. But her heart felt like it was stuck in her throat, and every time she tried to speak, all she could feel was a constricting feeling. The words could not slip their way through the blocked tunnel.

 

“I didn’t think I’d be hearing from you ever again,” Regina whispered into the phone. “Why...? Emma.” She sighed. “It’s been years.”

 

“Eight of them.” Emma swallowed thickly when Regina’s voice cracked. She pressed her cheek to her knee and looked at the moon, at the pale glow outside of her window. She took a steadying breath. “I’ve been thinking about New York a lot lately, and you,” she admitted. Regina inhaled a harsh breath. “I, uh. I miss you.”

 

Regina laughed mirthlessly into the phone. “You waited eight years to call me to say you miss me?” she asked, incredulous and shaky, voice a sharp whisper.

 

Emma squeezed her eyes shut tightly, flashes of all the times she tried to make this phone call in the past playing in her mind. She’d never actually picked up the phone and dialed Regina’s number before, but she had thought about how the conversation would go, what she would say. So far, Emma was so far off script that she was probably about to be replaced with a better version of herself.

 

“What am I supposed to say to that? That I miss you as well? That I’ve thought about you, too? Hmm?” She expelled an exasperated breath. “What did you call me expecting, Emma?”

 

Emma shook her head and whispered, “Nothing. No expectations, remember? It was always no expectations. That was what made things so–”

 

“Don’t,” Regina said sharply, the word slicing off the rest of what Emma was going to say and making her bite her cheek to stay quiet. “You can’t...”

 

Emma wrapped an arm around her legs and held herself together, trying not to hear how Regina’s breath shook, how unsteady she sounded. It was like she was struggling to find her breath, holding back tears, and Emma didn’t want to imagine that to be true. She didn’t want to think she had made Regina, one of the strongest women she had ever known, cry. It hurt her too much.

 

“You shouldn’t have called. It’s been too long, Emma.”

 

Her head shook, refusing to believe that. “It’s only been too long if you haven’t thought about me all this time. Have you?”

 

“Emma,” Regina breathed out like a tired warning.

 

“Tell me you haven’t missed me, and I’ll hang up. But if you’ve even thought about me–”

 

“Of course I’ve thought about you,” Regina snapped, “but that isn’t the point. A lot has happened since the last time we saw each other. A lot has changed in both of our lives. We’ve changed.”

 

“A lot is still the same for me. Like, when you answered and I heard your voice... It still makes me feel like maybe everything else doesn’t need to matter anymore, like I can just close my eyes and listen to you and be safe. I never stopped–”

 

“Please stop. Stop,” Regina whispered shakily, and Emma did so immediately. “I can’t.”

 

“You can’t do what?”

 

“Do this, whatever this is.”

 

“This is just a phone call, Regina.”

 

“You don’t call someone you haven’t seen in almost a decade in the middle of the night for small talk.”

 

“I’m not–”

 

“Why did you call me?”

 

Emma’s stomach dropped. “I told you. I missed you. I don’t know. Maybe I just wanted to know if you missed me too. Maybe I’m tired of always thinking about someone and not knowing if they even remember me. Is it so bad to hear from an old friend? Did I mean that little to you that you don’t even want–”

 

“Don’t you dare,” Regina hissed. “You don’t get to call me out of the blue and belittle my feelings after I’ve spent years trying to move on from you. Don’t you dare. You know exactly what you meant to me, and insinuating anything else is insulting.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Emma whispered, her eyes burning at the edges. She wiped at them roughly, breathing out a loud breath. “You’re right. That’s not fair. You don’t deserve that, not after everything that you did for me in New York – not after everything we had.”

 

And for a little while it was quiet, the sounds of breaths and slight movements the only thing to be heard as Emma’s mind drifted away, remembering what it had been like before.


	2. Chapter 2

**February 2006**

 

Emma hated New York. It hadn’t been her idea to come to the overpriced, loud, dirty city. Tallahassee was where she wanted to be. Perpetual sunshine and a new beginning had sounded like the change in her life that Emma needed. She had been looking forward to finally finding a place to settle down after years of motels and overnight shelters, sleeping on trains and in the backs of bars. She was tired of running. But Neal had messed that up for her, and everything else in her life.

 

There was nothing worse than a greedy thief who didn’t know when to stop, and that was exactly what Neal had been. They had been partners, sometimes more, warm bodies that kept each other from freezing when the cold was too much. They had met just after her eighteenth birthday, and from that day, they had helped each other stay afloat in the crazy world.

 

She had been on her own since she was fifteen, a runaway they never cared enough about to look for. He had been a homeless beggar and a thief for a lot longer than the three years she’d been on her own. Neal was older, more experienced, and he laughed at her when she snuck candy bars into her coat sleeves inside supermarkets. He taught her how to pickpocket. She showed him where they could get free food if they showed up at the right time. She even found them summer homes to crash in for a night or two in the winter when they got desperate and reckless.

 

But it had been more than a year with him, and Emma had decided she was done with that life. She wanted a fresh start, and Neal had agreed, said they were going to go wherever she wanted and they would do things the right way. But he had lied. She didn’t know why she found this shocking. Everyone in her life had always lied to her about something, and he was no exception. He had one more job planned before they left, she had discovered, a big one, one that would help them get on their feet. She had told him no, that they could manage without it. But Neal had insisted, said she could stay in the car and he would handle it by himself. It was then that she realized she was not what was most important to him. He would never have enough, even if he said that was the last time. She believed he honestly did want what was best for her, for them, but his greed was too great.

 

When Neal was caught red handed, Emma had run. It was always the plan. If he was ever caught, she was supposed to get as far away from him as possible so they had no reason to connect her to him. She hadn’t wanted to leave him, didn’t want to lose the only constant she had had in her life. But she had, and New York was where she ended up. New York and not Tallahassee, because Tallahassee was their place, where she could hope and dream and do all the things she wasn’t going to allow herself anymore. New York was cold and empty, even with all its city lights, and it was big and easy to be unknown.

 

But Emma hated it, and she hated Neal. She hated the tourists that thought it was a good idea to stop in the middle of the sidewalk to take pictures of everything. She hated the people who looked at her stained coat and ripped jeans and turned up their noses like they were better than her just because they could afford to buy new clothes whenever they wanted. She hated the sound of the train keeping her up in the tiny shoebox apartment she rented by the week, and the job stocking shelves and cleaning that didn’t pay enough. But mostly she just hated that she still didn’t belong anywhere, that she couldn’t figure out how everyone around her seemed to know what they were doing with their lives and she rarely knew if she would be able to have breakfast the next morning.

 

And that was something Emma was thinking about more and more these days, because it wasn’t just her she needed to worry about anymore. She was growing another human being inside of her, and they were her responsibility now. She needed to eat so the kid she never asked for could eat. She needed to keep warm and try not to get sick, keep herself healthy. And if she were to keep them, she needed to be able to afford to take care of them – and when she couldn’t even afford to take care of herself properly, she had no idea how she was ever supposed to raise a child.

 

* * *

 

“Emma Swan,” the lady with the clipboard and bright green scrubs called out, scanning the room of women in various stages of pregnancy. She had a tired face with bags under her eyes, deep wrinkles around her mouth.

 

Emma raised her hand up, chewing on her lunch and trying to hurry up and swallow her mouthful. She knew that tired look, was only nineteen and was pretty sure she wore the same ‘done with this shit’ look permanently. She didn’t want to keep her waiting. “That’s me,” she answered, starting to wrap her burger back up.

 

“Not yet. I just need you to finish filling out the form,” she said as she crossed the room. “You left the emergency contact blank.”

 

“Oh.” Emma frowned, looking down at the form when it was handed to her with a pen.

 

She could feel people looking at her as she stared blankly at the clipboard, their curious gazes making her skin crawl. She hated being the focus of people’s attention, knew they were judging her more and more with each moment they looked at her, finding something new wrong with her as they took her in. She cleared her throat and breathed out a rough breath through her nose.

 

She looked up at the woman and quietly told her: “I don’t have an emergency contact. It’s just me”

 

“Just put your parents, an aunt, any relative would do – a friend, even.”

 

Despite the patient tone, Emma’s annoyance bubbled inside her quickly. She forcefully shoved the clipboard back at the woman with the tired face and ‘I need a break’ eyes. “I said,” she gritted out, “I don’t have one. It’s just me. This is a goddamn medical facility. If there’s an emergency, call a doctor.”

 

“Miss Swan–”

 

“It’s Emma. Just Emma.”

 

Emma threw her three dollar lunch into the bag it had come in and stuffed it inside her bookbag, feeling uncomfortable and wanting out of the stuffy room with too many colors and pictures of happy mothers with their babies. She wanted out of the room where everybody was looking at her and judging her. She zipped up her coat and stood up, nearly bumping into the lady in scrubs whose name she didn’t know in her haste to get away. She threw her bag over her shoulders and started to leave. But when she went to push the door open, she turned back, walked up to the lady with the clipboard, and snatched her form off of it. Her identity was all she had, and she wasn’t going to leave it with just anyone.

 

* * *

 

 

“Do you make a habit of making a spectacle of yourself?”

 

Emma startled at the sound of a woman’s voice behind her. “Excuse me?” she questioned tightly, staring at the elevator numbers as she waited for it to arrive on her floor. It felt like there was too much energy inside of her, like all her emotions had taken a physical form and were jumping around inside of her. She needed to move, but she instead stayed still. She didn’t want to fidget.

 

“That show you put on in there,” she elaborated. “Nurse Mae was just doing her job. Your attitude was uncalled for.”

 

“I don’t remember asking you, lady,” Emma said, turning to face the woman with the opinions Emma didn’t want to hear.

 

She was surprised when the woman turned out to be someone not too much older than she was. She was maybe in her mid-twenties, a little older. She had the kind of voice that demanded respect, but she looked too young for it. She looked too young to be talking to Emma like she was a child she was getting ready to punish, and Emma didn’t like that. She may have still been a teenager, but she hadn’t been anybody’s child since she was fifteen. And even then, she hadn’t really been anybody’s kid either, just someone foster parents forgot about and shoved around when they got mad.

 

“While that may be true, it won’t stop me from speaking out on your rude behavior. Whether you’re having a bad day–”

 

Emma cut her off with a scoff. “A bad day? Try a bad life. I got a little loud with her. I’m sure she’ll get over it. I’m, like, almost one hundred percent sure she’s not going to go home and cry herself to sleep because some pregnant teenager raised her voice. And why do you care anyway? It doesn’t have anything to do with you.”

 

“Just because you don’t understand the very basics of respect and decency, doesn’t mean there aren’t people who do. That woman you just yelled did nothing to you. I don’t know you or your plight, but I know Nurse Mae, and she is one of the last people in this building who should have to deal with people like you.”

 

“People like me? What the hell is that supposed to mean?” she asked defensively, crossing her arms over her chest as she looked the brunette up and down.

 

Emma was used to being judged by people that looked like this woman. They were all the same – rich, spoiled, and thought they were better than everyone else. It was in the way they spoke and dressed and stuck up their noses. This one was no different. Her pantsuit had probably cost more money than Emma would make in a month, and now she was looking down on Emma. Or at least Emma thought she might be. The sneer suggested she might just be upset.

 

“Ill-tempered, ill-mannered, and disrespectful,” she listed with an annoyed drawl.

 

And, okay. She was only judging her for the way she spoke to the nurse, which, well, Emma didn’t mind. She just didn’t want to be lectured by anyone. It didn’t mean she didn’t see how she was in the wrong.

 

“Look. I’m getting out of here, leaving as soon as this elevator gets here. And then, you know what? You’ll probably never have to see me again. So how about you just let me be? I’m not here to cause any trouble.”

 

“You owe her an apology,” she said.

 

But the elevator came and Emma ignored her, sighing as she leaned against the wall and watched the metal doors shutting.

 

* * *

 

Emma sat in the hospital waiting room where those waiting for the ambulettes waited. She knew she needed to go back upstairs and see the doctor, so she didn’t bother walking to the train like she had planned when she walked out of the clinic. Certain things just made her tick, and the mentions of family usually did that. It reminded her how alone she was, and how she had been that way since she was dropped off inside a church as a baby. Nobody had cared about her then, and nobody did now. It was tough to swallow, and so, yes, she angered quickly when people mentioned family, but it was because it hurt less when she brought the attention away from how she didn’t have one.

 

She would apologize when she went back. Emma wasn’t normally a rude person, and she knew what it was like to be on that end of things and having to just take it and move forward because it was part of the job. The nurse hadn’t deserved to be yelled at – nobody did. It wasn’t her fault she had hit a nerve, or that Emma chose to cover up her hurt with anger. She didn’t sign up to be treated like crap by complete strangers, and Emma should know better. She knew what that was like all too well for her not to show kindness to others when she wished for people to treat her with respect and that same kindness.

 

Sighing heavily, she opened up her bag and pulled out her squished lunch. She had spent all the money in her pocket on the food because she had worked all night and through most of the morning and was in desperate need of something to eat after that. She had been running late, so she stopped at the closest thing to the hospital, a McDonald’s, and ordered a cheeseburger and fries. She was mad that she didn’t even get to properly enjoy it. She wouldn’t throw it away – because there was no throwing away food for Emma – but it sure wasn’t the tasty treat it would have been before she shoved it in her bag and let it get cold. Still, it would be better than the crackers and peanut butter she had eaten for dinner.

 

“You really should at least have some fruit with that. An orange, some strawberries, or even a bottle of orange juice would help your body absorb what little bit of iron that burger contains.”

 

The hair on the back of Emma’s neck stood up and she covered her burger with its paper wrapper. “Seriously? You’re down here, too? Don’t you have a job to do?”

 

The lady with the shoulder-length brown hair and expensive dark suit shrugged her shoulder as she sat down in one of the oversized armchairs, looking at Emma’s meal and then up at her face. She was petite and seemed to sink right into the chair like Emma did. She looked less like a pain in an ass like that, Emma thought. “I do, and I am doing my job.”

 

“Unless your job is stalking me, I don’t see how.”

 

A tiny smirk appeared on ruby lips, an amused hum in the other woman’s throat. “I’d hardly call it stalking. I have to be down here to meet someone. We just happen to be in the same place.”

 

Emma looked around the waiting room. There weren’t many people. A group had left when she arrived, and nobody new had come down since she had shown up. There were plenty of empty seats all around them, ones with better views of the television screens or the hallway and doors. There really wasn’t any reason for her to be sitting in the chair adjacent to Emma.

 

“Yeah, well, why don’t you wait somewhere else? Or do you like the company of ill-mannered, ill-tempered people that much?”

 

“Don’t forget disrespectful.”

 

Emma rolled her eyes at the twinkle in rich brown eyes that were scanning her face. “And I didn’t ask for a nutritionist, so don’t tell me what I should and shouldn’t be eating. I have perfectly good food right here.”

 

“I’d argue about your usage of the word food, but I doubt it would make any difference if I told you how unhealthy that junk is for your body.”

 

“Not all of us can afford gourmet meals, Miss Saks Fifth Avenue.”

 

“And here I was believing your earlier attitude was just a moment of bad judgment.” She tsked. “It’s Miss Mills.” The name sounded important on her lips, in that voice that sounded like it should belong to a woman in her forties in front of a business meeting, not a twenty-something-year-old.

 

Emma side-eyed her. “I haven’t seriously called anybody Miss since I was in school, and you’re not even ten years older than me. Not happening. I’m not a little kid.”

 

The brunette looked her over with a thoughtful expression in her eyes that made Emma want to put up a wall between them so she couldn’t see her anymore. “It’s Regina,” she said after a moment of consideration, holding out a slender, manicured hand with short nails that were the color of sand. “And I’m sorry if I came on too strong before. Miss Mae is a dear friend of mine, and I do not like seeing those I care about being treated poorly. I am rather protective of those who are important to me, it would seem.”

 

Emma looked up from Regina’s hand to her face, trying to read her for any signs of ingenuity. But there wasn’t anything to see but the willingness to be the one to clear the air of the tension that was between them and a kind, small smile that was a nice contrast to the sneer she had received upstairs. So Emma wiped her hand on her jeans and took Regina's hand into her own to shake it, surprised by how soft her skin was when their fingers slid across each other’s palms.

 

“Emma.”

 

“Em-ma,” she repeated slowly.

 

She let the syllables roll between her full lips like her name was more than just something meant to be spat out, like it deserved time and to be savored. She made Emma’s silly name sound important and beautiful, and that made Emma’s chest suddenly feel tight and her stomach fluttery.

 

“Nice to meet you, Emma.”

 

* * *

 

At fifteen weeks pregnant, she was already seven weeks past when the information she had gotten off the internet said she needed to have her first appointment. She hadn’t even known she was pregnant at eight weeks, and when she took the test at her apartment, she spent two weeks being in denial.

 

There had been signs, but she had believed most of those signs were just her being sick. She hadn’t even considered she might be pregnant. Her period was irregular, so she rarely kept track of it. The stockroom she worked in most of the hours she was at the shop during nights was old and smelt like mildew. The smell made her feel like she would throw up. She never actually had morning sickness. She was sick at odd times of the day, and so she didn’t really think much of it. It was the weight gain that had given it away, and the reason she had bought the pregnancy test.

 

And now there she was, fifteen weeks pregnant, hearing the sound of the baby’s heartbeat and crying – crying. She would blame the hormones. That was a thing she could do now, right? Because she usually saved crying for when she was alone and nobody could see, but the tears were running out the corners of her eyes as the healthy sound of her baby’s heart filled the room. It was overwhelming and scary and wonderful, and she couldn’t believe, even after seeing the tiny image of them on the monitor, that there was life growing inside of her.

 

“Would you like me to print this out for you?”

 

Emma nodded as she stared at the black and white screen, watching the waves and listening to the steady sound of the baby’s heart. She didn’t think she would have much of a reaction to seeing the child. She didn’t want to, not the kind she was having. She didn’t want to feel like her heart was glowing and everything was going to work out for the best, because she didn’t know that it would.

 

She wanted to be as distant as she could be from the child growing inside her. It wasn’t easy to admit, but she didn’t want to get attached to them. When she thought about how things would realistically work out in the end, she saw no way for her to keep them. She saw no way that she would be able to care for them. She didn’t even have room for a kid at her place. She wasn’t even doing a good job keeping them fed while they were in her body. How was she going to handle it when they needed their own food, and clothes and diapers and bottles and all the other expensive stuff that was needed for raising a child?

 

Everybody expected you to be happy that you were pregnant, that you were being blessed with a child. But it wasn’t like that for Emma, and there wasn’t anyone she could even talk to about it. The one and only person she had told she was pregnant had gushed and talked about baby names and clothes for almost an hour. She couldn’t exactly go, “And, by the way, I’m thinking I might have to give my kid up for adoption so it doesn’t die because I’d be a shit mom,” or anything like that. She was alone with her problems, and she couldn’t even consider being fully happy about the pregnancy until she had solutions.

 

In a perfect world, she would have her life in order and having a child would be the best thing to happen to Emma.

 

Unfortunately for her, the world she lived in was far from perfect.


	3. Chapter 3

**February 2006**

 

There was an unspoken rule in the city: you don’t look at me, and I won’t look at you. You kept it moving and went on with your day without interfering with someone else’s.

 

Emma walked with her head down and tucked into her scarf. Her hat was pulled over ears that felt like they were frozen and seconds away from falling off. She had her hands buried in her pockets, her gloves fingerless and needing to be replaced before she lost feeling in her fingers permanently. Her coat was two sizes too big for her, a recent purchase from the thrift store by her job, but it gave her plenty of room for layers and the belly that was slowly expanding.

 

It was this rule that kept her from noticing she was not alone as she walked towards the train after she finished with the doctors. But once she felt somebody’s presence, she was ready to attack before she was attacked – except she recognized the shoes that were two steps behind her when she discreetly looked to see if it was a man who appeared to be following her. In the six short weeks she’d been in New York, one too many men had already attempted to grope her while she was out in public. She had had enough of it.

 

But the shoes were leather pumps that were all wrong for the cold evening, and she recognized them from all the time she spent watching them impatiently tap in the waiting room earlier. So Emma moved over to the right and stopped, allowing the woman behind her to past, not surprised when Regina, bundled up in a thick knitted scarf and a black peacoat, fur peeking out of her pockets from her gloves, looked in her direction and offered a polite smile. She didn’t completely stop, but she slowed down.

 

“So you are stalking me?” Emma called out loudly from behind her scarf, her breath warming the material over her mouth.

 

The skin around the older woman’s eyes crinkled and she winked before turning to walk properly down the sidewalk, not picking up her pace. Emma smiled behind her scarf and followed her, now the one who was two steps behind. They walked in silence for a little while, Emma’s scuffed boots and Regina’s heels making a calming beat for her to follow in her head as she watched them walk.

 

“You’re a terrible stalker, you know? You can’t even see me if I decide to go in a different direction.”

 

She heard what might have been a faint laugh come from Regina. When she spoke, her voice was light and teasing. “You almost sound as though you want me to purposely be bumping into you.”

 

“No,” Emma was quick to say, but she knew it was a lie before the word even left her mouth.

 

They hadn’t talked much while Regina waited for whoever it was she had been waiting for. Regina had been angry because she had been kept waiting, and Emma had been trying to eat without drawing attention to her messy, squished food. But they had inserted short snippets of a conversation between the long moments of silence and impatient tapping. They  had talked about random things, like how long Emma had been in New York and how Regina didn’t actually like gourmet food. Surprisingly, it had been quite nice. It was the least stressful conversation she had had all day – maybe even longer.

 

“Are you sure about that?” Regina asked as she slowed down until they were walking next to each other.

 

Emma shrugged her shoulders, hands stuffed in her pockets. They must’ve looked like an odd pair as they walked together. Regina looked professional and well dressed, and Emma looked like she had pulled her clothes out of the lost and found. But if Emma was feeling self-conscious, she didn’t show it.

 

“I mean, nobody wants to be stalked. It’s creepy as hell, for one. It’s weird. You have no privacy. And sometimes you just want to walk around naked without worrying about someone taking an unflattering picture of you eating pizza straight from the box,” she said in her best serious tone.

 

“What?” Regina’s breath was a white cloud in the air as she laughed, the sound throaty and out of tune, like she didn’t make it enough and her throat wasn’t sure of it. “I was going to agree with you until your last point. Why do you eat pizza in the nude?”

 

“Uh. Why _don’t_ you eat in the nude? Clothes are overrated.”

 

Regina snorted. “So is pizza.”

 

Emma gasped. She needed to stop just so she could stare at Regina with disbelief. “You did not just say that, especially since you’ve been surrounded by delicious pizza your whole life probably. I used to live where they thought cardboard and tomato sauce was acceptable. _That_ was gross. New York pizza is like cheesy heaven, though.”

 

Regina turned around and rolled her eyes. “It is freezing out here. Come on.”

 

“Uh-uh.” She shook her head, chuckling. “You’re not allowed to be my stalker if you don’t appreciate pizza.”

 

Regina’s eyes narrowed and she bounced on her feet a little. “We are two blocks away from the train. I will leave you.”

 

Emma almost challenged her, but she didn’t know Regina well enough to know if she would actually leave her. Plus, Regina was right – not about pizza, though – it was freezing. So Emma jogged to catch up to her, her book bag bouncing against her back.

 

“Okay, but seriously. Do you not like any good food?”

 

“Of course I do. I still haven’t been given any reason to believe that you do, however.”

 

They stopped at the corner for the light and automatically turned to look at each other. Regina’s ears were red at the tips, and despite her tan complexion, her cheeks almost appeared to be a reddish-purple color. She was probably losing half her body heat, or something like that, because of choices that were clearly made with her appearance in mind instead of her health.

 

“You should be wearing a hat,” Emma said aloud, looking at Regina’s shoulder-length hair and shaking her head. “You would be a lot warmer with a hat on, you know?”

 

Regina’s nose scrunched up as she looked at Emma. “Don’t sound so concerned. I’ll be fine.”

 

Emma looked away. “I don’t usually get concerned about strangers who follow me around a hospital and Manhattan. You should feel lucky,” she said, somewhat serious even as she joked.

 

Regina was silent for a moment, but when Emma turned, there was almost a smile on her lips as she looked at Emma.

 

* * *

 

The sound of an approaching train made Emma panic as she dug through her bag, looking for her MetroCard. Regina was at the turnstile beside her, doing the same in her oversized purse. Emma’s bag was a mess, though. She carried her most important belongings with her at all times, just in case, so the bag was stuffed. She shoved her hand to the bottom, thinking it might have fallen down there when she carelessly threw it into her bag when she was rushing on her way earlier. But she didn’t feel it, and the train soon got louder and whizzed by, gradually slowing down.

 

“Shit,” Regina hissed under her breath as she watched it slow down, her eyes focused on the train.

 

Emma’s were as well, trying to find out which train it was and if she was going to be waiting an extra fifteen minutes. Without her glasses, it was hard to tell at first. But once the train was no longer moving and she could lean forward and see a little better, she could easily see it was not the train she needed.

 

But the second, “Shit,” that was hissed beside her probably meant it was Regina’s.

 

“That’s the train you take?” Emma asked, nodding her head at it as people started spilling out of the opening doors.

 

Regina nodded as she huffed out an aggravated breath.

 

Someone opened the emergency door, and before Emma could think twice about it, she hurried over and sneaked through, pushing her way through the small crowd of people that were leaving. “Sorry,” she muttered to one lady who glared at her. She kept the door from closing as she hurriedly called for Regina. “This way. Let’s go.”

 

And Emma could have told her they were about to jump off the side of the Empire State Building with the way alarm flashed in her eyes. “That is illegal. Are you crazy?”

 

“Do you want to get home or not?” Emma asked, looking from Regina to the train. Everybody was almost in. The train was going to leave if Regina didn’t hurry up. “Come on,” she said quickly.

 

Regina’s eyes narrowed. “No. Let me buy a new card.”

 

Emma huffed and abandoned the door, running to get the train before it would leave. She just barely made it inside. “I’ll hold the doors for you. Hurry up,” Emma called out across the platform. Blocking the doors from closing despite their many attempts.

 

Regina was rushing, and if Emma wasn’t getting annoyed by everyone around her telling her to let the door close, she would laugh at the way Regina kept banging the MetroCard machine like that would make it go faster.

 

“Hey, you wanna move from in front of the door?”

 

Emma rolled her eyes and turned her head. “If I did, do you think I would still be standing here?”

 

_“Do not stop the doors from closing. Please step away from the doors. Thank you.”_

 

At the sound of the train conductor, Emma’s heart jumped into her throat. Regina still wasn’t finished, and Emma wasn’t sure how much longer she could hold the doors open for her. “Come on,” Emma shouted.

 

“It’s not me. It’s this foolish machine,” Regina yelled back.

 

“Look. You wanna wait for your friend, do it outside of the train. Either get off or let the door close, little girl.”

 

Emma spun around, facing the rough-looking man who was sitting across from where she was standing. But when she turned, she had forgotten about the door and it started closing. When she realized and went to stick her hand between the doors, someone grabbed her by her bag and pulled her away, making her almost tumble to the ground.

 

“Leave it,” the gutsy woman said, her annoyed features relaxing as she settled back in her seat.

 

“What the hell?” Emma saw red and felt her blood boil in her veins. “Did you just put your hands on me?”

 

The seated woman rolled her eyes like she didn’t have the time to deal with Emma. “You not the only one on this train, in case you haven’t noticed. We have places to go. We don’t want to sit up here waiting for your friend. You wanted to wait for her, you should have done so outside the train and let the rest of us go about our day.” She shrugged and brushed the air like it was going to get rid of Emma.

 

Emma’s fists curled in on themselves, but she bit the inside of her cheek to stop herself from reacting without thinking. She couldn’t be reckless and stupid, she reminded herself. She had a kid in her she needed to protect, a small, defenseless baby. So she walked away to the other end of the car and stayed there until the train reached its next stop and she got off.

 

She stood on the platform, unmoving until the train was out of the station and the screech of it moving along the tracks faded. She looked up and down the platform for the wooden benches, and when she spotted the one on her end, she went over to it and sat down. She wanted to make sure Regina had gotten on the next train, and hopefully the older woman would realize this and get on at the same spot Emma had done so.

 

* * *

 

Emma was trying not to fall asleep as she waited. It had been a long day for her, and she was ready to climb into bed and sleep for the next twenty-four hours. She’d worked the night before, and then she had needed to take care of her health insurance because there had been an issue the last time she went to the doctor. After that, she had rushed to the hospital, grabbed some food, and then she’d had to search for the clinic. Thankfully, she’d only gotten herself lost twice.

 

Her eyelids felt heavy. She knew she should get up and walk to keep herself awake, or probably just go back a stop so she could catch her own train and go home. But she did neither. She was too tired to get up, and she didn’t feel right leaving without trying to see Regina one last time. It had been nice having some company during their brief moments of interaction after their initial meeting, and she wanted to let Regina know that – or something of the sort. She really didn’t know what she was going to say. She just knew that she wanted to say something.

 

She stretched her legs out and bent back, yawning behind her hand. In her tired state, her brain drifted easily. It was probably the only thing that kept her sane. Her ability to entertain herself had helped with the loneliness that never really seemed to go away in her life. Ever since she was a child, she had felt alone. It was her own thoughts that she depended on to keep her from falling too deeply into the loneliness that could have easily swallowed her whole if she had let it.

 

As she waited for the train, it was Regina that was on her mind. Emma didn’t usually believe you could meet someone and it felt like it was meant to happen, like one way or another, you would meet each other. It was ridiculous, the idea that two people were destined to meet. She didn’t believe in fate or any of that other nonsense. But Regina? There was something about that woman that made Emma want to see more of her. She wanted to know what was beneath each layer, what was at her core. Something about Regina pulled Emma in, and that was not something she could deny – at least not in her private thoughts.

 

Emma didn’t befriend many people. It never went well when she tried. Her friendship with Neal was the longest one she had had in her entire life, and that had ended up with him behind bars, her pregnant, and the two of them most likely never seeing each other again after less than a year-and-a-half. She usually wasn’t in one place long enough to really keep a friend, anyway.

 

But Regina, if she didn’t try lecturing Emma all the time, seemed like the kind of person Emma could be friends with.

 

The sound of the train pulling into the station broke Emma from her thoughts, thoughts she quickly erased from her mind because they weren’t the type she should be having. She knew what it was like trying to become someone’s friend and having them outright reject her, and she would rather keep her memory of Regina laughing at her terrible joke untainted.

 

The platform was soon full of people exiting the train, not as many as it had been at the stop where she got on, but enough for Emma to need to step back so she was out of the way. If she didn’t move, she would just get pushed out of the way – and she had had enough of that for the evening.

 

“Emma,” she heard somewhere in the distance. “Emma.”

 

She turned around quickly, searching for any sign of Regina. That had definitely been her voice. The slow drag of those two syllables in that voice would probably be something Emma never forgot.

 

“Over here,” Regina called out, and Emma spotted her gloved hand a few doors down from where she was standing.

 

Emma hurried down to the next car and could feel the smile pulling at her lips when she saw her. “I was looking for you,” she breathed out, feeling terribly out of shape even though she used to run every morning to give herself something to do.

 

Regina pulled Emma into the train and tilted her face by her chin, looking her over like she was worried Emma was covered in scrapes and bruises. There was what Emma thought might actually be legitimate concern in the rich brown of her eyes. Her instinct to lean in and let someone care was fighting with the one that told her to pull away, and Emma was fighting them both as she tried to just stay still and keep breathing. It shouldn’t have been all that difficult. But it was. Suddenly, Emma didn’t understand how inhalations and exhalations worked, how they followed each other.

 

“Good,” Regina said, the word more like a breath on Emma’s face due to how close they were standing. “You’re okay. Now I can yell at you for that foolish, idiotic move back at Lexington. What the hell were you thinking?”

 

 _And_...the moment of forgetting how to breathe was over.

 

Emma pulled away from Regina’s grasp and raised her chin defiantly. “I was thinking you didn’t want to miss your train and wanted to get home. I was trying to help.”

 

“I missed the train, anyway,” Regina said, raising her voice. “You could have gotten yourself hurt. Ooh. I was so _angry_ when that woman pulled you away from the door.”

 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you angry, I was just–”

 

“Not at you! At her. She’s lucky I didn’t make it onto that train.”

 

Emma couldn’t help but smile as Regina, probably about three inches shorter than Emma without heels, balled her hands into fists like she was ready to punch someone out cold for Emma, the same person she had been calling all kinds of names less than six hours ago.

 

Regina narrowed her eyes. “Why are you smiling?”

 

Emma shrugged, leaning against the closed door to keep herself from falling when the train lurched. “You’re kinda cute, like a kitten.”

 

Regina looked like she had been insulted. “Cute?” she repeated incredulously. “Like a cat?”

 

“A tiny cat. A kitten. One of the all black ones with cute little faces and tiny little paws. A kitten.”

 

Regina shook her head, looking at Emma like she couldn’t believe the words that were coming out of her mouth. “I am _not_ cute, or even remotely like a kitten. If I were to be likened to any type of feline, it would be a lioness, or a cougar, or maybe a panther...definitely not a kitten.”

 

Emma laughed and turned so her back was against the door and she was looking at their reflection in the glass panel opposite of herself. “Whatever you say, kitten.”

 

* * *

 

“The next stop is mine. Where do you get off?” Regina asked after they had passed a few stops.

 

That was the moment Emma realized that she was not on her train. Regina had been distracting with all her touchy-feely concern, and Emma hadn’t even paid attention to anything else. She didn’t know if she could get home on this train, if it connected to the one near where she lived. She wasn’t even sure they were going in the right direction, honestly.

 

“Um,” she said, looking away from Regina and towards the ground. “I think another two, or maybe three,” she lied. “I lost count.”

 

The toe of Regina’s heel knocked into her boot, and Emma lifted her gaze to find a knowing look directed at her. “Which stop might that be?” Regina asked, and even with the red of her lipstick faded and the tired droop of her eyelids, that know-it-all look she had worn when she was telling Emma all about the vitamins she needed to be incorporating into her diet was on full blast. “The one that’s on another train?”

 

Emma rolled her eyes and folded her arms. “No,” she puffed out. “The one that I’m not telling you about.”

 

Regina hummed in her throat and moved to stand in front of Emma, hand flat on the door to keep her steady. “You’re lying. You have the most obvious tells, Emma.”

 

Emma ducked under Regina’s extended arm and moved away from her, not wanting to be engulfed by the warmth that spilled from her body. It made her uncomfortable. “And so what if I’m lying? You’re judging me whether I’m on the wrong train or I lie about being on the wrong train. It doesn’t matter anyway.”

 

Regina didn’t respond at first, but then they were pulling into the next station and Regina was holding out a piece of paper in front of her. “That has my number on it in case you want to call me sometime, Emma. And for the record,” Regina said, lowering her voice, “I wasn’t judging you for being on the wrong train. I was amused that you found me fascinating enough to keep you from realizing it.”

 

Emma swallowed as she turned to look at Regina, deep eyes dancing with the horrible subway light in them. But before Emma could think to say anything, Regina disappeared in a crowd of people in black clothing that was too similar to the ones she was wearing.


	4. Chapter 4

**March 2006**

 

It had been almost two weeks since the day she met Regina Mills, and Emma still wasn’t sure if Regina had been hitting on her when she gave Emma her number. It had felt like she was, and because of that, Emma had ended up riding the wrong train for another stop because she had forgotten to get off. Her mind was too preoccupied trying to process. Had she been giving off some type of vibe or something? Did Regina think she had been hitting on her at some point during the day? Emma couldn’t seem to figure it out.

 

And so, Emma had kept the folded paper but never called her. It was in the front pocket of her bookbag, where she could easily find it if she decided to ever let it be more than a key to a memory. It was easy to forget about it while it was in there, and she really didn’t have the time to be focusing on trying to understand unclear clues, or the hidden agendas that could be behind them. Too much was going on in her life for her to lose her focus on what was important.

 

She worked all night long and job searched during the day, rarely finding the time for proper sleep even though she was exhausted. A mother who was pregnant with her second child had told her that this would be the best part of her pregnancy, while the swell of her stomach was not too large and her mood swings weren’t as frequent. She said Emma would feel incredible. Emma was pretty sure that woman was talking out of her ass, though, because Emma only felt stressed, sleep deprived, and like she needed to pee every five minutes.

 

If she could find a legitimate job and stop working under the table for less than minimum wage, she would at least get rid of some of the stress. She wasn’t what employers were looking for, though. She could only imagine how much harder it would be if she hadn’t gotten her GED while she and Neal were in Ohio. It had cost her a pretty penny, but she knew it would help her. Only, everyone wanted you to have experience that you just didn’t have when you were looking for your first real job. Her only experience was stealing and odd jobs on the street, and she was pretty damn sure nobody was going to hire her if she told them about that.

 

It was like the system was purposely trying to keep her from ever making it anywhere in life. She tried to do things the right way, the legal way, and all the requirements and rules made it nearly impossible. She couldn’t get experience if nobody hired her, and she wouldn't get hired without it. Businesses asked for a phone number, but how did they expect her to afford a phone if she didn’t have a job to pay for it? It was like tug-o-war, and there was just Emma on her side of the rope and the rest of the world was on the other end. No matter how hard she pulled, she was always going to get dragged through the mud.

 

* * *

 

Emma dropped her head down on the table inside of the library she had been sitting in for the last hour as she looked through the classifieds. She adjusted and pulled her glasses off, folded the arms down and laid them on her lap as she let her shoulders relax. She would get up in a minute and probably head home to get some sleep, but for a moment she wanted to enjoy the quiet of the library in the middle of the day while most people were at work and school. It was too loud in her basement apartment. It felt like the train was right on the other side of the wall her bed was pushed against, and, because of that, she could never truly relax there.

 

It was a warm place with a bed, though, and that was what mattered most. It could be a lot worse. It _had_ been a lot worse before. She wanted more for herself, better than what she had, but she knew that it was important to appreciate what was in her life at the moment. It was her first place, even if she paid by the week and it was barely bigger than the size of a bedroom. It was hers for as long as she kept up her payments, and in the four years she’d been on her own, it was the first time she had an address – not a home, but still a place that was hers.

 

Emma slid her hand off the table and pushed it underneath her sweater and layered shirts. At night she felt for movement, signs that the baby was doing all right inside of her. The doctor said she might be able to at this stage. But she was not searching for anything as she breathed in a long breath and exhaled quietly. She was silently promising that she would give the baby the very best she could. She was working on finding a way for that to be her, trying to get a job that paid better. She was looking at used cribs and the prices of diapers and formula online to see what was out there, what to expect. But even if she couldn’t be the mom the baby deserved, she would make sure they ended up with someone who could give them everything they needed.

 

She had never understood how someone had chosen to abandon her when she was only a few weeks old. They hadn’t cared what happened to her, if she was safe. She wouldn’t do that to her kid. She wouldn’t just hand them over to strangers she knew nothing about. She wouldn’t drop them off in a church and leave them there alone the way she had been left alone. That was the difference between her and the person who had given birth to Emma. Emma cared.

 

* * *

 

Emma had been walking home when she noticed a payphone booth inside one of the pubs and went inside. The air smelt of stale beer, but she only wrinkled her nose as she looked over the wood booth. It had a little bench in front of the phone and a small shelf with doodles and etchings all over it. It looked ancient, or maybe even antique, intricate carvings on the pillar-inspired sides.

 

“Hey. Does this thing work?” Emma called out, already pulling off her bag as she waited for an answer from the guy behind the bar.

 

He looked her over and then shrugged his shoulders uselessly. “Beats me,” he said and went back to watching the television screen that hung on the wall.

 

All these people with jobs they clearly didn’t even care about keeping, and there Emma was struggling to find someone to hire her when she would be completely devoted. It was frustrating. And if she shut the door with a little extra force behind her, it wasn’t like the guy who thought he got paid to watch TV was going to do anything about it.

 

Emma carefully sat down on the bench, testing its stability before putting all of her weight on it and plopping her bag down on her lap. She had no idea what sort of hours Regina worked, but the moment she saw the phone, she knew it was time for her to finally call her. It was after five o’clock, so she hoped she would be able to reach her.

 

She removed the folded paper from the front pocket and then dug around for her loose change until she had a small stack of coins sitting on the shelf in front of her. She looked out of the glass, feeling as though someone was watching her. But the only other three people inside the pub had their eyes glued to the TV.

 

Emma cleared her throat and felt a nervous flutter in her stomach as she loosened her scarf around her neck. She picked up the number and chewed on the inside of her cheek. Regina’s handwriting was pretty and swirly, had a little extra flourish that made it look more like careful calligraphy than jotted down lines. Emma traced it with the tip of her finger before picking up the phone.

 

She should have thought of what she would say during this phone call. She honestly had no idea. It had been nearly two weeks since Regina had given her number to Emma, but it wasn’t as though she had been sitting around thinking about Regina that whole time. She was busy most of the day, and when she had actually thought about doing this, she never considered what they might talk about.

 

But when she was greeted by a professional sounding, “Hello,” Emma stopped worrying about what to say and just let the words come naturally.

 

“Hi. This is Emma. I don’t know if you remember me or not, but you gave me your number about two weeks ago and said I could call you. Might remember me as the ill-tempered blonde from the hospital, really funny.”

 

There was a short pause and the sound of something heavy hitting against a hard surface. Regina hummed into the phone. “No, sorry. I can’t say for certain I know who you are describing. I do, however, remember giving my number to the foolish girl who thought it wise to keep a train from leaving the station just so I wouldn’t miss it. Not sure I’d say she was funny, though.”

 

“Never going to let me live that one down, I see,” Emma said with a put-on groan.

 

“Never,” Regina purred into the phone.

 

Emma smiled, running her finger down the metal cord that connected the handset to the rest of the phone. She grimaced when she realized what she was doing and wiped her hand down her jeans. A second later, she almost traced the 'I love Ray' that was carved into the wood.

 

“How have you been? Have you risked your safety for any more strangers since me?”

 

Emma closed her eyes as she laughed, trying to remember Regina’s face. She could picture her smirking red lips almost perfectly, she thought, even the tiny crescent moon scar at the top of her lip. She didn’t need to see her to know she was currently smirking. It was in the teasing of her voice.

 

“Uh-uh. You were my last. I had to hang up my cape. Can’t play superhero right now.” Emma chewed her lip as Regina hummed quietly. “I’m sorry I didn’t call sooner. I’ve been busy with a lot lately. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to speak to you or anything like that. Just, you know...”

 

“Life,” Regina said knowingly. “Don’t worry about it. I have been busy as well. I’ll admit I thought you might have disposed of my number as soon as you left the train, but I am glad you decided to give me a call.”

 

“Why?” Emma’s brow furrowed with confusion as she questioned, “Why would I throw it away? You’re probably the first person I’ve met since I’ve been here that I actually liked. Well, there’s this guy at work who’s pretty cool, but he’s a bit of a jerk, so I only talk to him when we get delivery nights together. It’s mostly waiting for the truck and then stocking shelves, which is boring without some type of entertainment to pass the time.”

 

“So I didn’t frighten you off at all?”

 

She shook her head as she fed the phone another coin. “I don’t spook easily, not that I know why you would think you scared me off.”

 

“No reason in particular,” Regina said before clearing her throat. “I’m sorry, but do you mind if I call you back? I was just about to head out to drop a package off at the post office before they close in fifteen minutes, and I–”

 

“Oh, yeah, I’m sorry,” Emma said quickly. “Go. I don’t wanna hold you up. I just wanted to let you know, I don’t know, that I still have your number, I guess.”

 

“I can call you back after I’ve finished, or later tonight – unless you really did only call to inform me that you still have my number. In which case, I now know you do and this conversation could have already ended by now.”

 

Emma could hear how lame that sounded when Regina repeated it. She felt the urge to bury her face in her hands and hide from the whole world. Way to be awkward!

 

“No,” she sighed, “I didn’t only call so you knew I kept your number. I thought it might be nice to, um, well, nice to hear your voice,” she mumbled into the phone. “I thought...” She huffed.

 

“Emma–”

 

“Do you wanna do something this weekend?” Emma blurted out, feeling her cheeks warm and her heart thump harshly against her chest cavity. She breathed out loudly. “I can call you tomorrow at a time that works better if you say yes.”

 

“Are you working tomorrow night? I won’t be available until after I’ve finished for the day.”

 

“No. I’ll be home. There’s a phone I can use close by. Just give me a time.”

 

“Is eight going to be too late? If so–”

 

“Nope,” Emma assured her quickly, feeling her heart start to slow down from its erratic beating. “I can do that. I’ll call you. Now go before the post office closes.”

 

“All right, then. I will speak to you tomorrow,” Regina said. She paused. “And, Emma?”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“It was nice hearing your voice, too,” she said before hanging up, leaving Emma with a goofy grin on her face as she sat in the phone booth.

 

* * *

 

Emma spent the rest of her walk to the apartment trying to figure out what they could do together. The only idea she had come with had been to meet up at Central Park and walk around, maybe see a side of the park she hadn’t seen yet. But the weather was too cold to spend a long period of time outdoors, and Emma was hoping they would be able to spend an afternoon together.

 

She’d meant what she had said about Regina being the first person she really liked in New York. She found connecting with others difficult. She never fitted in anywhere she went, and keeping conversations from quickly dying was either impossible or it felt like a chore. She was a loner by choice, was used to being on her own, but it honestly did get lonely sometimes. So if Regina was seriously interested in befriending her, Emma wasn’t going to push her away like she normally would when people tried to get too close.

 

It would seem, her loneliness won out this time in the battle against her self-preservation. She could only hope she was making the right choice, that she was right about Regina and they could become friends. After an afternoon together, Emma guessed she would know for sure. Their differences could cause them to clash. They lived two very different kinds of lives, probably had nothing in common when it came to how they grew up. But Emma knew sometimes that didn’t matter. Where you came from didn’t always determine who you were, and maybe Regina and Emma had enough small common interests to add up to something that would mean something.

 

She frowned at the hope that was blooming in her chest, passing the water closet and laundry room and unlocking her door down in the basement. When did she start getting hopeful about things like that? She didn’t like it. Being hopeful meant bigger letdowns when stuff didn’t work out the way she wanted it to. She’d rather go in passive, not caring how things turned out in the end. Instead, Emma could feel a pull inside her every single time she did so much as think about Regina.

 

She exhaled a lengthy breath and flipped on the light switch by the door. The light flickered on and then filled the open space with its too-bright yellow glow and buzzing hum. It wasn’t like what ten-year-old Emma had envisioned it would be like to come home – no welcome mat, no delicious smells of dinner cooking floating in the air, and no family grinning from ear to ear when she called out that she was home. But the apartment, despite the twin bed in the corner, the kitchenette, and the bookshelf-clothes storage combo, was not a home. She had never had the home her younger self had imagined she would one day find, but it wasn’t like Emma had ever been the kind of person who actually got what she wanted.

 

And what she had wasn’t _that_ bad. The toilet ran every time someone flushed the one upstairs, and the sink dripped in the kitchenette. The walls and ceilings shook and had more cracks than the sidewalks did. But, Emma noted as she plopped down on her bed and kicked off her loosely tied boots, she never had to complain about a lack of heat, and the water pressure in the shower was better than what she was used to from her time in cheap motels. It was two blocks away from her job, so she didn’t have to walk far in the dark. Plus, the landlord didn’t bother her as long as she had cash for her on Saturday mornings.

 

She didn’t need welcome home mats or dinner ready for her. She had everything she needed at the moment.

 

But that didn’t mean she didn’t sometimes want more – even if it was just company other than her own.

 

* * *

 

Emma sat down with her ramen, the steam blowing up into her face and fogging the lenses of the glasses she then decided to pull off. She had another hour before she needed to leave for work, and since she had been unable to stay asleep, she was once again thinking about what she and Regina could do during the weekend. She didn’t have any money to spend on any of the places she thought Regina might enjoy, but she didn’t want to make it obvious that she couldn’t even afford to go out for lunch or something simple like that. She needed to find something that would meet Regina’s standards while also fitting Emma’s budget – but free and extravagant didn’t exactly fit together.

 

She could probably ask Regina for ideas about where they could meet up without raising any red flags. It wasn’t as though Emma even knew the city all that well. She’d been there for two months and hadn’t seen much of it. Regina would know better than her, anyway.

 

Yawning, Emma leaned back against the wall and let her mind drift to other things she needed to plan out. She was usually more of an ‘act now, think later’ kind of person, but she liked feeling like she was in control of situations where the possibility of her feeling uncomfortable was high. No matter how much she was looking forward to seeing Regina again, she couldn’t ignore that she and Regina might have more differences than similarities, and those differences might become uncomfortably apparent. Emma didn’t even have a nice outfit to pick out to wear, or a hair straightener to do something new with her hair instead of the ponytail she usually went with.

 

This was a bad idea, she thought, starting to feel sick to her stomach as the reasons she wasn’t good enough to be friends with a person like Regina Mills continued piling up inside her head. She should probably lose Regina’s number and never call back. It wasn’t like Regina would actually miss her if she never received another call from Emma. She didn’t even know why Regina had given her her number in the first place. Regina was accomplished, older, smart, beautiful, a bit of a know-it-all, but definitely the kind of person that could be friends with anybody she wanted. Why Emma?

 

Emma scooted forward and put her half-eaten soup on the bookshelf and then laid back, her hands resting on the rise of her belly as she stared up at the popcorn ceiling that was slowly falling apart. She was being ridiculous, wasn’t she? She knew she probably was, knew how easily her self-doubt could sweep in and make her question everything. But she couldn’t help it. Even being aware that she was probably freaking out for no reason, she couldn’t stop listing the reasons why it just didn’t make sense that Regina would want to be friends with someone like her. She was...

 

“Perfect,” Emma breathed out. “Regina was perfect.” And Emma was so far from perfect that she would never reach that level.

 

Emma groaned aloud and damned the stupid hope that had snuck into her chest earlier. This was going to fall apart, she just knew it, and she couldn’t even stop herself from still wanting it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (did you see my declaration of love Ray??)


	5. Chapter 5

**March 2006**

 

When Emma opened the glass door and stepped into the building she and Regina had agreed to meet at, her eyes widened with wonderment. She didn’t know where to start as she tried to take in the room. The glass ceiling stories above was arched and allowing the sun to shine inside. There were trees, real life trees, and all kinds of greenery all over the atrium. It was like she had left Manhattan completely and entered a tropical island, or maybe a jungle. It was like an entirely different world from the dark, gloomy one just a few steps behind her. 

 

Scattered across the large, open space were tables and built in benches around glossy pillars, people in groups or by themselves, some in casual wear, others dressed for a day at the office. There was a Starbucks and a second store on the ground floor, what appeared to be windows in a hallway when you looked up, but other than that, it was mostly just people hanging out and enjoying the atmosphere. Emma hadn’t been sure about the place when Regina told her where it was, knew there were mostly big time business and office buildings around this area of Manhattan, but she couldn’t have picked anywhere better if she had tried. 

 

She unzipped her puffy red coat and unwound her scarf from around her neck as she started walking around. The clock up ahead told her it was just after noon, so she was only a few minutes late. It had taken a while to figure out which building she needed to be at since she had lost the paper she’d written the address on and was using the descriptions Regina had given her as directions, but hopefully Regina had not been waiting too long for her. 

 

Towards the back of the room, there was a wishing fountain – well, it was fountainless, but she could see a little girl throwing a coin in with her eyes closed like she was making a wish. Emma caught herself smiling as she walked over towards it, her fingers dusting over dark green leaves on potted plants, feeling the prickly points against her fingertips.  She couldn’t remember the last time she had made a wish, the last time she had believed in the possibility of wishes actually coming true. She must have been about the girl’s age, six or seven years old. But there was something special about that hope she could make out in the child’s face, and, even if she couldn’t find that kind of belief inside herself, she was amazed by its existence. 

 

The kid spun around with round eyes and a toothy grin, and the balding man with her smiled back with a bright grin to match hers. Emma felt like she was intruding on a private moment and looked away, her hand absently slipping into her unzipped coat and rubbing her rounding belly. She walked around, searching for the brunette she was meeting, regretting not asking Regina to give her a specific spot to find her. Although the floorplan was open, the atrium was big and spacious, many sections with groups of tables and people all around. 

 

She scanned the faces of those she passed until she found a familiar one on the opposite side of the fountain. Regina was sitting at a square table for two, typing something out on her Blackberry, her lips pinched into a tight line. Her dark hair was falling down in front of her face, but Emma knew it was Regina immediately. She both blended in and stood out somehow. It was like she belonged next to the marble fountain and the well-dressed group of men having a discussion around the table behind her; she fit in with the business vibe in that corner of the room. But at the same time, she outshined those around her and made everyone, everything, look basic and boring. 

 

As if aware that someone was looking at her, Regina looked up from her phone and looked directly at Emma. The hard mask that had been in place a moment ago appeared to vanish almost instantly, light breaking through and playing in her eyes as they crinkled around the edges slowly. Her smile was like a sunrise, careful at first and then beautifully bright as it took over her face the way the sun dominated the sky in those breathtaking moments. Emma thought her heart was going to explode when she saw it. 

 

There was something magical about that woman, and Emma was willing to bet her last penny on that. 

 

It was like her feet were glued down to the floor and she was stuck in place. She couldn’t move forward and erase the stretch of distance between her and Regina. She did, however, lift her hand and wave awkwardly, unreasonably nervous.

 

Regina placed her phone down and leaned forward, her elbow resting on her thigh after she crossed her legs. “Hello, Emma,” she greeted, leaning her chin on her balled fist. 

 

Her voice was a wave moving across the distance to wash over Emma with its tingling warmth, and the blonde felt herself almost wanting to stretch out her arms and welcome it. Instead, she stuffed her hands into her pockets as she lamely said, “Hey.” 

 

“Are you not going to come any closer?” Regina asked with a hint of a laugh in her voice, like Emma had amused her. 

 

Emma was nowhere near being amused with herself, though. She was annoyed with her inability to move forward. She couldn’t even put into words the reasons why she couldn’t move, couldn’t make sense of the twisting, tightening, flipping, flopping mess that was her insides as she thought about approaching the table. It was not amusing. It was weird and strange and Emma felt like she might be sick if her brain didn’t start sending the proper signals to her feet. 

 

Her eyes fell shut and she took a deep breath. “Get it together, Emma,” she muttered under her breath forcibly. She took another breath, pulling her hands from her pockets. She exhaled as she shook them out, pulling confidence out of thin air and finally walking over to where Regina sat. 

 

She turned her head to face Emma and looked her over. “Much better. Now I can see you.” 

 

Emma paused, in the process of removing her winter coat to hang it on the back of the chair. “Not much to see,” she said, feeling that confidence she thought she would be holding onto for the rest of the afternoon already slipping between her fingers like water. “Well, there’s a little more to see,” she said when Regina’s eyes dropped down to her belly briefly, “but not much else.” 

 

Regina shook her head. “I disagree.” 

 

Emma’s hands automatically found refuge in the pockets of her pants as she watched Regina look over her like she was cataloging every single inch of her. The pants she wore were one of her best pair, not a single rip in them. They didn’t pinch below her belly like a few of her other pants were starting to do, and the black denim matched easily with her lumberjack shirt. She looked okay, but not worthy of the appreciation in Regina’s eyes as they took Emma in. 

 

She was looking at Emma like  _ she  _ was the one dressed to perfection, like Regina wasn’t sitting in front of her looking as though she should be on a fashion magazine cover or walking down a runway. Even in her casual wear, it would seem Regina pulled out all the stops. It was black on black on top of more black, but the collared blouse with the first few buttons left undone to reveal smooth skin somehow made the golden warmth of the brown in her eyes stand out, and the suede boots made her legs look like they went on forever, and even while sitting, it was obvious her jeans were designer and would hug her thighs and curves like Emma’s just didn’t do. But, still, Regina was looking at Emma like she was the one worthy of approving eyes and unveiled admiration.

 

Emma swallowed thickly and quickly sat down, feeling a rush of warmth under Regina’s unrelenting gaze. It was too much. Regina looked at her and made Emma feel exposed, naked – but she also felt beautiful, strangely and unbelievably beautiful. 

 

That amused look was back in Regina’s eyes as she casually leaned back in her seat. “You don’t like having people look at you, do you?” 

 

Emma shook her head, reaching up to tuck her hair behind her ear. She ended up brushing her fingers over her skin instead because her hair was neat and in place for once. “You can’t control what people see when they’re looking at you. It’s unnerving,” she admitted. 

 

Regina hummed, tapping her fingers on the table slowly, her red painted nails a stark contrast to the fresh, clean look of the ivory table. “What do you think people see when they look at you – just out of curiosity?” 

 

Emma’s eyes narrowed slightly. “Are you trying to get in my head? Psychoanalyze me or something?” 

 

Regina’s smile spread across her mouth slowly, that half-laugh in her throat that Emma remembered from the day they met and their time on the phone. “I don’t care much for psychology, no. I am, however, interested in what you think of yourself versus what I see when I look at you.” 

 

“You barely know me.” 

 

Regina shrugged one shoulder. “That may be so, but you’re not exactly a code written in a dead language, Emma. I’m sure there is plenty hidden from the naked eye, but there is also much to see if you choose to look. I’m choosing to look.” 

 

Emma rubbed her neck awkwardly, feeling hot. “You always come on this strong? Or did I just choose the lucky number from the hat or something?” She chuckled uncomfortably and picked up her bag from the floor to get her bottle of water out. “And what do you see, anyway?” she asked. It felt like a dangerous question, but it was out of her mouth before she could think twice about it. 

 

Regina shook her head. “Oh, no. I asked you first.”

 

Emma snorted, twisting the cap off her water bottle. “I thought I was the teenager here. You can’t pull an ‘I asked you first’, Regina.” 

 

“And why can’t I?”

 

“Uh... Because I said so?” she responded, the uncertainty in her voice as she tilted her head making it sound more like a question. 

 

Regina rolled her eyes. “You would do terribly in a debate.” 

 

Emma grinned against her water bottle, shrugging her shoulders. After swallowing down the cool water, she licked her lips and waved a hand towards Regina. “I think it’s fair that you tell me what you see first. You’re trying to get in my head. Don’t deny it. But if you expect me to give up something, you need to go first.” 

 

Regina seemed to consider before leaning forward and looking into Emma’s eyes like she was searching them for the words she was going to say. “Hmm,” she hummed. 

 

Emma blinked slowly, almost afraid to look away from Regina’s concentrated gaze. “Um.” 

 

“Shh. Let me look at you.” 

 

“You look any harder, you’re going to see right through me,” she joked. 

 

Regina’s perfectly shaped eyebrow rose towards her hairline. “Are you worried about what I might see?” 

 

Emma silently shook her head, even though, yes, she was. She kept most of herself hidden away from other people for a reason. She didn’t need for anyone to discover her secrets and fears, the doubts and things meant to be kept in the shadows. 

 

“Perseverance. You have hinted at a tough life, but I can see the fight in your eyes, the determination to push onward. It’s an admirable quality. You have a genuine desire to do right by others, a good heart – despite the bad temper and lack of concern for your own safety you have displayed. You aren’t aware of it, but I can see how beautiful you are. You try to cover up and hide from the world, but when you let yourself be seen, when you laugh... You lack confidence, but most of us do to some degree. You’re good at faking it, though. I noticed that before.” 

 

Emma’s heart was doing  _ things _ inside her chest that she really needed it to stop doing before she had a heart attack or something outrageously embarrassing. Regina’s voice was soft and warm, almost intimate. Her eyes never left Emma’s, even as Emma fought to keep her own from closing. She had thought she felt bare and exposed when Regina had just been looking at her. Hearing what Regina thought was ten times worse – and Emma had asked for it, had wanted to know what Regina thought of her. Big mistake. She would never be able to breathe properly again. 

 

“You also have one of the most magnetic smiles I have ever seen,” Regina added in a quieter voice, biting into her lower lip as a smile automatically pulled at Emma’s lips and cheeks. “I’d continue, but that blush on your cheeks suggests you might have had enough for the moment. I don’t want you to continue thinking I come on too strong.”

 

Emma ducked her head and put a hand to her chest, over her racing heart. Being complimented had never felt so  _ intense _ before. It wasn’t as though nobody had ever told her nice things about herself. Neal used to, boys and men who were trying to get in her pants did it all the time, and even the occasional teacher or foster parent had when she was growing up. But it felt different with Regina. 

 

“I feel bad. You know, I kinda thought you were an asshole when we first met, and maybe a bit of a know-it-all snob,” Emma said when her cheeks no longer felt like they were burning. She was surprised to see Regina smirk in response to what she’d said. “But you’re, like,  _ not? _ You’re actually really, um...” She swallowed and averted her eyes, her stomach fluttering with nerves. “You’re really sweet.” 

 

“Surprised there’s more to people than what meets the eye, aren’t you?” Regina uncrossed and recrossed her legs as one of her hands slid through her hair. “I can be an asshole sometimes. I’ll admit that. I am also quite knowledgeable when it comes to a large variety of topics.” 

 

“And humble, clearly.” 

 

Regina winked as Emma let out a short chuckle. “I’m also a bitch sometimes,” she continued plainly, and Emma’s widening eyes made her laugh. “Please. I’m in charge of a bunch of men who are too insecure to handle having a woman above them in a position of power. I’ve been called a bitch more times than I can remember – to my face, behind my back. Claiming the word and using it myself takes the power away from them. There will always be people who try to hurt you with words like that, but why allow them the opportunity? If you say it first, it doesn’t matter as much when someone else does. But,” Regina said, looking at Emma with that penetrating look of hers, “I’m sure you already know that.” 

 

“Hmm? Say what now?” Emma raised her brow, sitting up a little straighter. 

 

Regina rolled her eyes. “You do the same thing. Perhaps it’s more internal for you, but don’t deny that you do.” 

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Emma dampened her lips. “You’re really determined to prove you’re good at reading people, aren’t you?” 

 

She shook her head. “I appreciate people who can be honest with themselves about who they are, and honest with me as well. If it feels like I’m determined to prove I’m good at something, maybe that’s because you think I am.” 

 

Emma shrugged her shoulders, sitting back in her chair. “How do I do that?” She waved her hand vaguely between them. “What makes you think I can relate?” 

 

Regina’s eyebrows rose with surprise. “Do you want an honest answer?” 

 

She shrugged again. “Didn’t you just say you appreciated honesty?” 

 

“Very well.” Regina leaned forward, ridding them of the distance Emma had put between them when she sat back. “It was why I asked you what you thought others saw when they looked at you. You think you’re less than you truly are, and because of this, you believe others see you the same way. You’ve probably told yourself more than once that you’re worthless,” she said, pausing to look around them. “Probably worse. I won’t assume to know exactly how you feel about yourself, Emma, but–” 

 

“You are assuming to know,” Emma said, feeling uncomfortable and like she wanted to get up and run away before Regina dug any deeper. She hadn’t known she was signing up for a therapy session when she asked Regina if she wanted to hang out. 

 

Regina moved back in her chair and apologized. “I’m not saying this to make you feel wrong for the way you feel. I hope you know that. I understand.” 

 

Emma scoffed. “I doubt that.” 

 

Regina shook her head, looking at her phone as she spoke. “For a person who dislikes being judged by others so much, you do a lot judging of people without getting to know them first.” 

 

Emma’s cheeks heated, properly called out. “Then tell me more about you instead of trying to expose all my vulnerabilities. You know, I’m not that good at this whole making friends thing, but I’m pretty sure most people start with the lighter stuff first.” 

 

“What? Should I ask you what your favorite color is and talk about that for fifteen minutes?” The sarcasm was thick in her voice, her eyes rolling as she brushed her hands down her blouse and then folded them on top of her flat stomach, leaning back.

 

Emma shrugged, suddenly not sure she had made a good choice calling Regina. 

 

Regina let out a heavy breath. “What do you want to know about me, Emma?” 

 

It somehow sounded like a test, like there were wrong answers that could be given. Emma had never liked test. So she got up without answering, ignoring the confused look on Regina’s face as she grabbed her bookbag, her coat, and walked away from the table. She didn’t know what it was about Regina, or that moment, or how things felt like they turned upside down so suddenly, but Emma needed to get away from it. 

 

* * *

 

“If you’re going to leave, you should go farther than in front of the building,” Regina said when she leaned along with Emma against the railing that went down the middle of the stairs. 

 

Emma glanced at her out of the corner of her eye. “I needed air.” 

 

“You wanted to get away from me. You can be honest about why you left. I already know why you did.” 

 

Emma sighed. “Can you stop that?” 

 

Regina turned to look at Emma with a furrowed brow. “Stop what?” 

 

“Assuming you know everything. I mean, even if you’re right, it’s still...” Emma sighed again and dug her hands into her pockets, looking towards the street, the passing cars, the yellow cabs. “Just because you know something, doesn’t mean you have to say it. Some of us don’t want to face the truth all the time. It’s hard.” 

 

“Okay,” Regina said quietly, leaning closer to Emma, their shoulders touching. There was a long pause, and then she said, “I can accept that. There are things I’d rather not face either. I understand.” 

 

Emma let the corners of her mouth lift to a slight smile. “And it’s inadequacy.” 

 

“Pardon?” 

 

Emma shrugged her shoulders. “When people look at me,” she elaborated. “That’s what I think they see – all the ways I don’t measure up, that I’m not enough. You can only fake it for so long before someone realizes you’re a fraud and you don’t belong. One day, everybody realizes that what they thought they saw in you was all a lie.” 

 

“Or,” Regina said slowly, “one day, you realize that the only opinion that really matters is your own.” 

 

Emma tilted her head to look at Regina. “You don’t really think that, do you?” 

 

“I spent too long being told who I should be, having another person’s ideas of who I was forced onto me. So, yes, I do believe that. As long as I know who I am, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks of me.” 

 

“It must be nice to think like that.” 

 

Regina gave Emma a tiny smile. “It’s difficult and takes reminding myself every day – just like I have to constantly fight against the ideas others put in my head. But, I will say that I am happier now that I’ve accepted who I am.” 

 

Emma searched Regina’s eyes as she asked, “Who are you?” 

 

And Regina nodded her head down to the sidewalk and started walking down the stairs. “Come with me if you really want to find out.” 


	6. Chapter 6

 

**March 2006**

 

There was a lot of New York that Emma hadn’t seen, but she had paid attention to very little of the city as she and Regina strolled around it. They’d ended up on 42nd Street, where there were all kinds of things people traveled the world to take pictures of. But all Emma would remember from walking down the iconic street was the way Regina had tucked hair behind Emma’s ear and smiled at her while they were waiting for the light to change. It had been blowing with the wind, stray strands tickling her skin. Emma had reached up to push it away, but Regina had beat her to it, the movement so natural and thoughtless for Regina but all Emma had been able to think about since. 

 

So busy thinking about the way Regina’s gloved fingers had brushed over her skin, she hadn’t realized Regina was leading them somewhere until they were walking through doors with gold handles and the strong scent of chocolate hit her. Emma paused at the entrance, but Regina put a hand on Emma’s shoulder and gently nudged her forward. 

 

“Regina,” Emma said slowly, cautiously, looking around at the tables and glossy counter, the desserts on display and being eating. The bakery’s decor screamed in dollar signs, antique furnishing and crystal chandeliers. She didn’t want to say she was going into panic mode or anything dramatic like that,  _ but _ she was pretty sure she was going into panic mode. She’d avoided all food places and anywhere she would need money for a reason, and now Regina was walking her into chocolate heaven. 

 

But Regina didn’t seem to notice Emma’s panic, or she was choosing to ignore it completely. She looked around the room and spotted an empty table next to the window, tilted her head towards it, and then she was moving towards it with confident strides. Emma’s feet didn’t want to follow, though. She wanted to turn around and go in the opposite direction, go back to walking in the cold and talking about random things. 

 

Emma’s stomach felt like a jumbled mess as her shoulders fell and she practically dragged her feet all the way to the table Regina was standing beside, removing her coat. Regina gave her an odd look, and Emma frowned at her, sitting in the stylish but uncomfortable chair without pulling her bag off or unzipping her coat. 

 

Regina eyed her curiously and then took a seat. “Is there somewhere else you would have rather gone? You wouldn’t choose, so I made the decision for us.” 

 

Emma huffed out a breath. “I said I wasn’t hungry.” 

 

“No, you said you ate a big lunch and then wouldn’t make eye contact with me until I changed the topic.” Regina looked around them and then continued in a lower voice. “At least have a hot chocolate. It will warm you up – and don’t even think to tell me you aren’t cold when your nose is redder than Rudolph’s.” 

 

Emma rolled her eyes, but the corner of her mouth was twitching as she fought a smile. “We could have gone to McDonald’s for hot chocolate. This place...” She sighed, looking around the bakery. 

 

“I brought you here. My treat,” Regina said, taking one of the menus from the short stack and putting it in front of Emma. “You can take me to McDonald’s next time if you want.” 

 

Emma couldn’t get herself to laugh or smile in response. She didn’t like feeling like things were being pushed onto her and she had no choice, and she didn’t like being blindsided. “I’ll just have a water – in a cup, not a bottle,” she said, trying to avoid looking down at the menu. She didn’t need to be tempted by the pictures and yummy names. The smell in the air was enough to make her wish she could afford to eat there. “They’ll try to make you pay for it if you don’t specify.” 

 

“You can’t be serious,” Regina said, annoyance layering her voice as she closed her own menu. 

 

Emma narrowed her eyes at Regina. “You don’t get it, do you? I’m not going to let you buy me anything. It changes the balance of things until I return the favor. I can take care of myself, you know. I’ll eat something when I get home, and I don’t want any hot chocolate anyway.”

 

Regina’s lips pulled into a tight line as she exhaled roughly through her nose. Her eyes were hard and serious as she stared down Emma, but Emma didn’t flinch, wouldn’t budge on this. Emma knew from experience that nobody ever gave anything without expecting something in return, and she didn’t enjoy being indebted to people.

 

“I’m cool just sitting here while you have something. Can we not make a big deal out of this?” she sighed. 

 

Regina tapped her fingers against the laminated menu a few times before letting her tense shoulders relax. “I didn’t consider how you might feel about me wanting to treat you to something. I apologize for that,” she said quietly, not meeting Emma’s eyes but the sincerity clear in her voice. 

 

Emma nodded. “I appreciate the offer, really, I do. I just...” 

 

“You don’t have to explain yourself, Emma,” Regina told her as she put their menus back where they came from in their neat stack. 

 

Emma felt a wave of guilt sweep through her and tighten in her belly. “I kinda feel like I’m being oversensitive about this. It’s a pride thing, I guess.” 

 

“Listen, it’s fine, Emma. We can go somewhere else. If you want, we can go somewhere where we can just talk.” She stood up and shook out her coat before sliding it back on. “Or, if you like, we can head uptown and go home. Just let me know what it is you want to do.” 

 

Emma blinked up from her chair, silently watching Regina dress to head back out into the cold afternoon. She wasn’t ready to say goodbye to her. There was still so much she didn’t know about her that she wanted to know. They must have been walking for an hour, but Emma felt like she had done almost all of the talking. 

 

She knew Regina worked at her family’s company and not at the hospital like Emma thought she did – but she didn’t even know what the company was or what she did, just that she didn’t want to give details. She knew Regina had a half-sister that lived in Europe that she didn’t see often, and that Regina spent her holidays alone or at work. She knew that Regina hated flying and would rather take the extra time to drive when traveling. She knew little things about Regina, but she didn’t feel like she knew enough, like she had even started getting to know her. 

 

Standing up, Emma decided that that needed to change. 

 

* * *

 

“The library,” Regina said, raising an eyebrow skeptically as Emma stopped them. Her breath blew white in the air, puffs of it like little clouds.

 

Emma nodded, grinning. “You said we could go wherever I wanted, didn’t you? Come on.” 

 

“Remind me to be more careful with my words next time,” Regina said, but she turned her head and gave Emma a faint smile. 

 

There was something about libraries that called to Emma. She was twelve-years-old the first time she had run away from one of her homes, and the library had felt like the safest place for her to go. She had ended up being picked up thirty minutes after closing, but libraries had never stopped feeling like a safe place to go when she needed to escape. 

 

When it was cold outside and she needed something to do, she would go to the library and read, occasionally write if there were too many words in her head and she needed to get rid of them. When you were homeless, or just too poor to afford going most places, libraries were like a safe haven. You could stay there all day and not worry about freezing or overheating, depending on the weather, there were bathrooms and sinks and nobody telling you that you needed to buy something to use them, and you had an endless supply of entertainment at your fingertips. 

 

Emma loved libraries.

 

* * *

 

They had walked around for a little while, scanning book titles and grabbing a few off the shelves at random. When Emma’s arms were full of books, she led Regina to a table in the most isolated place she could find. She wanted to be able to talk to Regina without worrying about disturbing others, and she wanted it to feel like it was just them, nobody else around. She already felt that way at moments when Regina would look at her and not say anything, but she wanted that feeling to last longer than a few seconds. 

 

They were reading sections of books out loud to each other when Emma paused, looking up from a book about a traveler and the woman left behind that was getting more depressing than she thought it would. Something had been slipping in and out of her thoughts throughout the afternoon, and suddenly the words refused to remain trapped inside her head.

 

“You know, when you gave me your number, I thought you might have been hitting on me. Crazy, huh?” she said with a small chuckle, licking her lips.

 

Regina’s eyebrow lifted slowly, an amused sparkle forming in her eyes as she closed her book and leaned with her arms on the table. “Did you?” 

 

Emma nodded, feeling warmth bursting like a bubble and spreading across her cheeks and neck. “Usually when a guy gives me their number, that’s why. They like me. I thought you might, you know...” 

 

Her amusement moved down to her lips, making them slowly curve upward. “So was this supposed to be a date?” 

 

Emma’s eyes widened as she quickly shook her head. “No,” she said with a gulp. “I just meant that I thought  _ you _ might have been suggesting something like that. This is just, you know, friends hanging out. I want to be your friend, your friend-friend.” 

 

Regina brought her hand up to cover her laugh, but the mirth swam in her eyes and made them dance a hypnotizing dance number that Emma couldn’t stop herself from following. “I see,” she said, shaking her hair out and scanning Emma’s face. “So does that mean you no longer believe I was interested in you in a non-friend-friend way?” she asked, the teasing of her tone low and intimate, the way it was when she leaned into Emma’s personal space and Emma forgot what air felt like when it actually went to her lungs. 

 

Emma shrugged her shoulders, feeling too dizzy to speak. She didn’t know why she had brought it up. She had already decided that she was okay with the possibility of Regina hitting on her that one time if they could be friends and it not be awkward. And if Regina hadn’t been interested in more than a friendly way, she didn’t need Regina to know that she thought she had been. 

 

“Fascinating,” Regina breathed out like she truly meant it, her voice a bit husky. “I would have dressed more appropriately for a date if I’d known I was to be courting you – and we certainly would have done more than walk around Manhattan.” 

 

“What?” bursted out of Emma’s mouth, her heart doing weird flippy-floppy things in her chest. 

 

“Do you like flowers, Emma? I should know this for our next date.” She laughed, clearly enjoying herself. “Perhaps you would like violets, or maybe daffodils. You look as though you might like daffodils. Roses are rather predictable, and I’d like to believe I’m anything but. I also wouldn’t want you to think I didn’t put any thought into my choice, or that I thought you weren’t deserving of more than the ordinary and typical.”

 

Emma’s eyes widened. 

 

Regina smirked, trying to keep her laughter in her throat. 

 

“Be serious,” Emma said, tossing a magazine someone had left behind at the brunette. “That’s not funny.” She sounded breathless, and her heart was pounding, and she suddenly wanted flowers – and she hadn’t ever actually cared much about flowers before. “Don’t joke about stuff like that.” 

 

Regina’s eyes softened as she looked around their little section of the library and then leaned closer to Emma. “Who says I wasn’t being serious? Perhaps I would like to buy you flowers and take you out for the night.” She shrugged her shoulder and ran her eyes over the visible parts of Emma, slowly, tracing her like she was memorizing her. 

 

Emma shivered and tried swallowing past the lump that was in her throat. “Stop that,” she whispered, the words low. “You’ve got to stop looking at me like that. It’s... It’s...”  _ Weird. Too much. Confusing.  _

 

Regina’s eyes snapped up, the twinkle in her eyes dimming as she got serious. “Like what?” 

 

“Like, like...” Emma picked up the book she’d been reading from and held it to her chest. Maybe that would keep her heart from escaping. “The way you do. You look at me like you actually  _ like _ doing it, not just because you’re looking for something or trying to figure me out. You look at me like you think...” Emma’s words died suddenly on her lips, the sentence unable to be finished because she didn’t want to put the words out there. 

 

Regina reached across the table and pulled one of Emma’s hands away from the book she was holding. She looked into her eyes as her thumb ran over the bumps of knuckles beneath pale skin. “Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything beautiful,” she told her, the words floating from her lips and wrapping around Emma. Regina let the line sit between them before licking her lips and continuing. “I meant what I said earlier. I think you’re beautiful, Emma, and I don’t believe that’s something that should be hidden. Beauty is meant to be seen.” 

 

Emma shook her head, looking down at Regina’s hand on her. Regina’s nails were short and perfect, a crimson red painted across them. Emma’s were bitten and jagged with chipped black nail polish. It felt like a visual representation of them, Regina with her perfection and Emma with her messiness. But Regina didn’t see her like that somehow. Regina kept calling Emma beautiful and sounding like she meant it, no ulterior motives, no expectations to get something in return, just kept on saying it like she had to make sure Emma was aware of what she thought. It was different, nothing like what she was used to, but she liked the way it made her feel. 

 

She flicked her eyes up and let a tentative smile start to appear on her lips. 

 

Regina’s own smile was warm and all the way up in her eyes. 

 

And they said and did nothing more as the time seemed to slow down and everything stilled, that feeling of it just being the two of them that Emma had wanted stronger than she had imagined it could possibly be. 

 

* * *

 

“Favorite color?” 

 

“I don’t have one.” 

 

Emma narrowed her eyes from her spot on the floor – which she was sure she was never going to be getting up from because that sounded like too much work. “Everybody has a favorite color. Stop being so damn difficult all the time.” 

 

Regina looked amused as she shook her head. “What is yours?” 

 

Emma shrugged her shoulders. “I guess yellow. I like yellow.” 

 

Her face scrunched up. “Too bright for my taste.” 

 

“Who would have guessed?” She chuckled in her throat as she looked Regina over in her all black attire. “I think I’ve seen you in one color besides black so far, and it was gray.”

 

Regina crossed her legs and rubbed her hand down her suede boot. “You can never go wrong with black.” 

 

Emma nodded, not knowing a thing about fashion but knowing Regina looked incredible. 

 

“Okay. Next question,” she said, letting out a long breath as she carefully chose her words. “Something deeper this time. Earlier, you said something about knowing who you are and accepting it despite what others thought about it. You said you spent too long being told what you should be. What were you talking about?”

 

That made Regina pause and sit back in her chair with a thoughtful expression taking over her face. Emma had been at this for so long she’d already taken two bathroom breaks since she started asking Regina questions about herself. It was interesting seeing which questions she would easily answer and the ones she hesitated on, the ones that made her pause and consider her answer – consider Emma, rich brown eyes looking deeply into Emma’s green ones like she wasn’t sure if she could trust her with all the information Emma was pulling out of her. 

 

Regina dampened her lips with her tongue and then rubbed them together, humming thoughtfully in her throat. “That was quite the leap, from my favorite color to this.” 

 

Emma worried that she had asked for too much. “Or whatever you want to talk about. It doesn’t have to be that. If it’s too personal, then we can, I don’t know, go back to talking about books.” 

 

Regina smiled faintly and shook her head, her fingers picking at the edge of the wood table absently as she cleared her throat. “I spent the beginning of today trying to, as you said, get into your head. I guess it is only fair if I allow you a little insight as well.”

 

“You don’t have to.” 

 

“I’m aware that I don’t. I’m choosing to,” Regina said, looking away from Emma as she seemed to gather her thoughts. “I wasn’t referring to one thing in particular. I guess you can say I struggled with my identity for most of my early years. Mainly, this was because of my mother. She didn’t care for my father’s family – or much for my father, I don’t think. I wasn’t allowed to see them often, and when I would ask to spend time with my cousins or my aunts and uncles, I could always see the unadulterated disgust she felt towards them. It was difficult understanding when I was five or six-years-old and I just wanted to play with other kids my age instead of attending piano lessons. But as I grew up, I also acquired understanding. 

 

“Little things she would say started making sense to me. She caught me speaking Spanish with my father one day while he was saying goodnight to me and, after he left, she told me I wasn’t allowed to do that. I can still remember the way she spat the word ‘Spanish’ out like it was dirty. She didn’t want me to pick up ‘habits’ from my cousins, and so I only saw that side of my family around the holidays. I didn’t fit in with them, and, eventually, I no longer wanted to go. I think she liked that, that she had made me feel isolated in my own family. She liked that I stopped wanting to spend time with those relatives.” 

 

Emma could hear the hurt and anger that was still inside of Regina because of this, could see it in her clenched fist and the hardening of her eyes. Emma didn’t know what to say, wished she hadn’t brought the topic up again. She hadn’t meant to make Regina relive bad memories. 

 

“No offense, but your mom sounds terrible.” 

 

Regina made a noise in her throat and raised her eyes from the ground to meet Emma’s. “Ninety percent of the time, yes, she was. She wanted the best for me, and she thought that erasing my Hispanic roots was part of making me the best I could be. She didn’t see how much she was hurting me every time she spoke badly about ‘those people’ and ‘the help’. She acted as though they were so far beneath her that they weren’t even people. Strangers, my aunts and uncles, people who worked in the offices and the house. She was teaching me to keep that part of myself hidden as I was trying to learn more about who I was, my culture, my family. It was...” 

 

Regina pursed her lips and rubbed at her temples, breathing out through her nose instead of completing her thought. 

 

“I spent a lot of years believing that Puerto Rican was synonymous with some of the worst adjectives. I hated a part of who I was because of her. I thought everyone would treat me like I was less than human because it was the way she treated people who were just like me. She may have never called me any of those degrading names, never insulted me based on my ethnicity, but I felt it every time she did it to someone else. 

 

“You can only imagine how she reacted to finding out I liked girls.  _ That _ was something she had no problem directly telling me was wrong. ‘What will people think?’ ‘A dyke, Regina? Who will take you seriously?’” Regina rolled her eyes. “It was her own image she was worried about, of course. God forbid someone found out she had raised a bisexual. This was obviously the most horrific thing that could have happened.” 

 

It was strange, the moments you realized the big things. You could just be sitting on the floor in the library, listening to a new friend speak, and then  _ boom,  _ suddenly you’re realizing how important someone could be in your life if you let them. Regina’s strength and refusal to let other people’s views on who she was be the final ruling was inspiring and incredible. Regina oozed confidence now, but Emma now knew that wasn’t always true. She’d fought to get where she was, and now she was open and accepting of herself, and Emma thought that was something special – she thought there was something special about Regina. 

 

And as Regina continued telling her about how she learned to unapologetically be who she was, Emma listened on with a strong feeling inside of her that she had no name for but felt growing more intense. 

 


	7. Chapter 7

**March 2006**

 

The month of March brought many changes into Emma Swan’s life, one of the biggest being her new friendship with Regina Mills. 

 

Since their afternoon spent getting to know each other earlier in the month, Regina and Emma had been talking to each other through emails and the occasional phone call when their schedules allowed it. If Emma was replying to job ads online in the library, chances were, she was also replying to an email that Regina had sent to her hours before. If they were lucky, Emma would catch Regina during her lunch break and they could get a decent flow of messages back and forth without any interruptions.

 

Regina liked to be kept up to date with how Emma was feeling, how her pregnancy was progressing, and Emma was pleasantly surprised that someone seemed genuinely interested in her (and her unborn child’s) well-being. She still hadn’t spoken to Regina about the possibility of giving the baby up for adoption, but she felt that, if she spoke to anyone outside of the agency she had gone to for information, it would be Regina. It just wasn’t an easy topic to bring up when Regina was sending her lists of vitamins and articles on ways to help decrease the stomach aches and sharp pains she was experiencing in her abdomen. Regina was turning out to be quite helpful, and she actually cared about Emma. Emma didn’t want to lose that because Regina would look down on her for considering adoption. 

 

She didn’t want to lose one of the few constants in her life. She was so used to people coming and going – or doing so herself. But Regina checked in every day, even when they didn’t actually get a chance to talk, and she listened to Emma ranting on the phone until she ran out of change to feed it. Life had been so dull and full of boring routine before she met Regina and made a friend out of her. But now there was always something to look forward to, something new. Regina brought a little bit of fire into Emma’s life and brightened it up. 

 

And it wasn’t only things related to the baby that Regina did to help Emma out that she didn’t need to do. Regina had set her up with a program that helped her with her resume, finding proper work and interview attire, and had even sent her out on two interviews so far. The first interview had gone terribly, but the second one was looking promising. Regina had told her she wanted to take Emma out to celebrate if everything worked out. 

 

Emma was hopeful about the job, conflicted about Regina taking her out. 

 

They’d seen each other both weekends that had passed since the first time they hung out, and both times they had found things to do in free, public places. Emma had been saving, though, a little bit here and there. She wanted to take Regina out somewhere first. She wanted to be able to buy her dinner. Emma had been planning it since Regina tried to buy her hot chocolate and dessert that day. Regina had done something big for Emma by helping her with the job search, and Emma thought  _ she _ should be the one treating Regina to something. She may not have been able to go all out like Regina could, or like she was probably used to people doing for her when she let them, but she could make the night special. She just needed time to save up her dollars.

 

* * *

 

Emma was looking at her most recent sonogram as she waited for Regina to email her. Her time at the computer would soon be up, but Regina had told her the day before that she’d be available during her usual lunch break. Emma wasn’t going to leave her seat until she got to talk to her – thankfully, there wasn’t anyone waiting for the computer, plenty of others free, so she wouldn’t have to. 

 

Despite the minutes continuing to pass, there were no new messages in her inbox. She continued to check every minute or so – not that she was desperate or getting clingy or anything else like that. She knew sometimes Regina had unexpected meetings that would pop up, or phone calls that lasted longer than she thought they would. Emma was already used to how unpredictable Regina’s days seemed – but that didn’t stop her from refreshing the page every time Regina crossed her mind while she waited. 

 

Letting out a lengthy breath, Emma brought her attention back to the sonogram in her hand. It was so surreal. She saw the growth of her round belly every day when she got ready, whenever she was sitting and she looked down. She had aches and felt tired more often than not because of her pregnancy. But it was when she could see the image of the baby that the fact that they were there became real. She was a few days from being at the halfway mark, and then there would be a real life baby in her arms, crying and breathing and needing.

 

Suddenly her chest felt tight and like her heart didn’t fit inside of it, like it had tripled in size and then started racing. One of her hands reached up to her chest, pushed against the pain that was intensifying as she stared down at the black and white image. A baby. A kid. An actual human being and not just an idea. She was still learning how to take care of herself. What was she going to do with a baby? Even if she figured out all the financial stuff, Emma didn’t know the first thing about mothering. She didn’t know how to change a diaper, or how often a baby needed to be fed, or how to calm them when they were crying, or, or... 

 

Emma felt sick. She gagged on the saliva building up in her mouth and thought she was going to lose the oatmeal she had eaten for breakfast. But then she heard the quick, sharp sound of heels on the wood floor mixing in with the sound of her pulse thundering in her ears. She felt hands on her, one on her head, stroking her hair, and the other on her back. She heard a soothing voice in her ear, felt someone’s breath on her skin. She felt Regina. 

 

“Hey, you need to breathe. Okay,” Regina was saying as she pulled Emma’s chair back from the table, the sound of it dragging against the floor barely able to make it past the sound of her forced breaths. 

 

Emma’s hand shook and the sonogram fell from it and onto her lap, the image of the baby,  _ her  _ baby, staring up at her. She gasped, a sharp, pulling feeling in her chest. It must have been what having a heart attack was like. “I can’t. I can’t. I can’t,” she was saying between heavy breaths, starting to hyperventilate as images of her with a baby kept flashing behind her eyes. She saw herself rocking a child who wouldn’t stop crying. She saw a baby with diaper rash and blotchy skin. She saw her and the baby in her tiny little basement apartment, curled up together as Emma cried and apologized over and over for not knowing what to do. 

 

Firm fingers grasped her chin and her name snapped her away from the images in her head and to the sight of Regina in front of her. Regina, dressed in her expensive ever-present black attire, kneeling on the floor of a public library, patience and concern swimming together in her eyes as she looked into Emma’s. She was counting and taking deep breaths. 

 

“Fifty. Fifty-one. Fifty-two.” 

 

As Emma became more alert, the sound flooding in once again, she noticed the beating of her heart and the heaviness of it, the fullness in her chest. She put her hand over it, felt it get faster when she could feel it against her hand, pounding like it was an ax and her chest was a rock wall it needed to break through.

 

Regina pulled Emma’s hand away from her chest, lifted Emma’s other hand from her lap, and then she brought them together and covered them with her own. She stroked them with her thumbs, up and down, slow like the measured breaths she was taking between her numbers. 

 

“Seventy-eight,” she exhaled. She inhaled. “Seventy-nine,” she exhaled, never breaking eye contact. 

 

Emma followed her on her next inhale, hers more shaky, harder for her to pull in air. “Eighty,” she said, just as shaky when she let the air past her lips once again. 

 

Small lines around Regina’s eyes appeared as she nodded, smiling while inhaling. 

 

“Eighty-one. Eighty-two. Eighty-three,” they continued, breathing in and exhaling the numbers, counting until Emma was breathing regularly again, her heart no longer feeling as though it was attacking her. 

 

She took several breaths without counting, looking into Regina’s eyes and feeling the tension leave her body. There was something comforting about Regina’s eyes as they stayed focused completely on Emma. Everything about Regina in that moment felt safe, strangely so. Perhaps it was that Regina had helped pull her out of the dark vortex that was her anxiety attack, or maybe something else entirely. Emma didn’t know why, had never before felt a sense of safety like what she was currently feeling. It was completely new to her, new and frightening. 

 

She pulled her hands out of Regina’s to wipe her face, embarrassed by the tears that had streaked her cheeks. She didn’t like to be seen crying. She didn’t like people seeing her when she felt weak and vulnerable. She scrubbed at her eyes with the backs of her hands and let out a long breath, deflating in her chair. 

 

“Here,” Regina said, giving Emma a travel pack of tissue from her purse. 

 

Emma took a tissue and thanked her quietly. Her throat was scratchy. There was a throbbing in the middle of her forehead, a headache forming as she properly dried her eyes. Regina was still looking at her, still close by. Emma couldn’t decide if she was glad that she was there or if she wished Regina would go away, wished Regina could unsee Emma’s patheticness. 

 

Regina picked up the sonogram from Emma’s lap and looked down at it, her fingers delicate as she brushed the side of the image that had been clutched in Emma’s hand. It was ripped and wrinkled. The tip of one of Regina’s nails, painted with the sandy nude color like the day they had met, ran over the rip carefully, the tear going beyond the white border and into the picture of the baby. 

 

“It’s just a small tear,” Regina said, looking at the sonogram with a sad look in her eyes. She cleared her throat and then stood up from the floor, her hands brushing off the pinstripe pants she was wearing. “We can fix it with a little tape and–” 

 

“No,” Emma said sternly, a little louder than she had expected. Regina’s eyes widened ever so slightly as Emma snatched the sonogram out of her hand. “You don’t have to fix my problems, okay? Stop.” 

 

Regina looked taken aback. She crossed her arms over herself as she slowly asked, “Excuse me?” There was more emotion in those two words than she had probably meant to show, but Emma could hear what might have been hurt and confusion beneath the hardened tone. 

 

Emma shook her head, throwing the sonogram down on the keyboard. “You keep...” She exhaled loudly, her chest starting to tighten again. She closed her eyes and counted in her head, breathing slowly and rubbing her chest until the feeling passed. She sighed when her eyes opened and Regina was still looking at her, her features gradually relaxing, the mask she had put on slipping out of place. “Thank you,” Emma whispered instead of continuing her previous thought, her shoulders falling. “Thank you.”

 

“What?” Regina asked, and this time she didn’t try to hide her confusion. It was in her furrowed brow and her eyes searching Emma’s. 

 

Emma shook her head, knowing she was a mess of conflicting feelings. “You’re too good to me. I’m not used to having someone try to help me with stuff, big or small. It feels like - -” she shrugged, “- - like too much, like, I don’t know. But I shouldn’t get angry about that.” She sighed. “I’m sorry for snapping at you,” she said quietly, hating herself for it when Regina didn’t deserve that. 

 

It took Regina a moment, but she nodded her head and pulled out the chair next to Emma’s. 

 

Emma looked over to her and suddenly realized something. “What are you even doing here? Shouldn’t you be at work?” 

 

“Oh. I gave myself an extended break,” she said, as though she was also just realizing she was not at work like she normally was at this time. 

 

Emma’s brow raised with surprise. “You gave yourself an extended break? You’re not just the boss of others, you’re your own boss now, too?”

 

Regina smirked, seeming to completely relax back into her normal self. “I had a meeting close by. Knowing that I would be in the area and that you would be here waiting for me to email you, I thought it would be a nice surprise if I dropped by instead. I thought I might be able to convince you to come to lunch with me.” 

 

The smile that had started to spread on Emma’s face quickly fell. 

 

“Or just for a walk,” she added, “if you’re not feeling too tired, of course.” 

 

“I think some fresh air might actually be good. So, yeah, let’s go.” 

 

* * *

  
As the end of March quickly approached, the weather began slowly warming from the numbing cold of winter. It would be awhile before she could lose the winter coat and scarf completely, but it was one of the milder days as they walked in a companionable silence towards the park. Her scarf was loose and her hands gloveless. The air was just cold enough to wake her up and make her feel refreshed after feeling like she was going to drown in the overwhelming feeling of inadequacy that she had felt when looking at the sonogram.

 

She’d just seen Regina three days ago, but there was something different about her that made Emma keep looking at her out of the corner of her eye. She was used to having to be the one to initiate conversation most of the time when they fell into silence, used to the way it seemed like Regina sometimes got lost in her thoughts and needed to be pulled away from them. But even in those situations, there was usually something to let Emma know she was still present in the moment. Regina sometimes smiled at her when she caught Emma looking at her, or winked if she was in a good mood and Emma had been looking at Regina for too long. She would let the backs of her fingers brush Emma’s hand as they walked, just touch her for the sake of touching her. But Regina seemed a little closed off, a little distant. 

 

Spotting an empty park bench facing the stone bridge over the lake, Emma asked, “Mind if we sit for a little while?” 

 

“Hmm?” 

 

Emma pointed to the bench. “Can we sit?” 

 

“Oh, yes, of course,” Regina answered, shaking her head as though clearing it of whatever thoughts had been on her mind. 

 

Once they were sitting, Emma pulled off her bag and turned to look at Regina, smiling at her. “I didn’t know you missed me so much. Extended breaks and surprise visits.” She waggled her eyebrows.

 

Regina rolled her eyes as she settled next to Emma, crossing her legs towards the space between them. There was a hint of a smile on her lips, though. “Completely for your benefit, Emma.” 

 

“Sure,” Emma said, less worried about where Regina had been while they were walking as the brunette’s smile grew. “Not that I’m not happy to see you or anything, because, like, I totally am. But you can admit that you’ve missed me.”

 

Regina leaned her arm on the back of the bench and looked over to the lake, a gust of wind blowing through her hair. “I have,” she admitted, the skin around her eyes pinching, tiny lines appearing in her smooth skin. “It’s been a tough week at the office. I just finished looking at an exquisite location that we’ve had our eye on for the last month or so – beautiful architecture, and it’s in the perfect area for this new project I want to start. It’s an opportunity for me to step outside of what I currently do. However, there’s another buyer interested. So I’ve been involved in a bidding war that is becoming rather frustrating.” She shook her head, pursing her lips as she tilted her head to look at Emma. “So, yes, I did miss you. I was also in need of a break, a moment of peace.” 

 

Emma nodded, seeing Regina’s exhaustion now that she was looking for it. The darkness under her eyes was visible beneath her makeup if you looked hard enough, and her posture was looser than it normally was, like she couldn’t even be bothered with her normal perfectly straightened back and that look that commanded respect. 

 

Regina hummed in her throat and shut her eyes briefly as she said, “You offer me that, and I appreciate it. I don’t feel as though I’m expected to be juggling ten million things at once when we’re together. I also don’t feel like you’re expecting anything from me. You’re happy with just this.” She waved a hand between them and smiled faintly. 

 

“I’m happy with just you,” Emma said, simple and sure of it. 

 

Regina hummed again, this time more pleased than thoughtful. She brushed her hand through Emma’s hair, loose and wavy from the braid it had been in while at work. She tucked it behind her ear and let her fingers glide across Emma’s cheek and jaw, delicate and light. Her touch made Emma’s skin feel like there were bubbles of heat popping beneath it, spreading and warming her. Regina’s eyes were heavy with something that Emma couldn’t put a name to, even as she stared into them, searching them, hypnotized by them, feeling as though she could not look away. 

 

Regina made her forget how to breathe sometimes. She touched Emma with soft fingers and looked at her like nobody ever had before – not even Neal. Regina’s eyes traced her face like she wanted every curve and line to permanently be in her mind. She looked at Emma like she found something new each time she did – and then she kept going back to find more, to see more of Emma. Emma’s heart raced in her chest every time. 

 

“I’m sorry,” Regina said, pulling her hand away from Emma’s face and curling her fingers into a fist. She scowled at her hand.

 

And then Regina would confuse her. It was like one moment she was drawn in by something and then fighting it the next. The first time she had felt Regina’s fingers against her skin was the same day they had met, back in the train when Regina had touched her face and looked her over with concern in her eyes. Emma didn’t think she had given Regina any reason to believe she had a problem with it – because she didn’t. It was different. It was new. It made her feel a strange fluttering in her stomach that refused to be ignored. But Emma didn’t mind any of Regina’s attention, not the way she touched her, nor the way she looked at her when she did it. Regina was soft and gentle, and it felt nice being touched by someone who didn’t want to hurt her. She liked it. 

 

But Regina always pulled away eventually, and Emma was afraid she wouldn’t like the answer if she asked her why. 

 

So Emma only smiled and looked away when Regina apologized, chewing on her cheek as her racing heart slowed down. 

 

“How much longer until you need to get back to work?” Emma asked a few minutes later, turning her head to look at Regina. 

 

Regina checked the phone that had already been in her hand. She frowned. “An hour before my next meeting, fifteen before I need to leave – unless you’re ready to go. You really should be sleeping more than you do.” 

 

“I sleep enough, and I’m fine until you have to go.” 

 

Regina pursed her lips, clearly not agreeing. Her eyes looked down to Emma’s stomach, but they didn’t linger. She sighed and unzipped her purse. “Before you say anything, I didn’t buy them for you,” she rushed to get out as she pulled a large bottle of multivitamins from her bag and put them on the bench between them. “When I received my order, there had been an extra bottle that I hadn’t noticed didn’t belong until just the other day. I thought you might want them.”

 

Emma looked down at the vitamins and then back up at Regina, silent.

 

Regina pushed them closer to Emma and sighed. “They’re for the baby. If you won’t let me give them to you...” 

 

“I’ve been eating more foods with iron in them like you told me to. I’m not neglecting the baby’s health, Regina,” she said defensively. 

 

Regina frowned. “I know you aren’t. I wasn’t...” She sighed and licked her lips. “None of what I do is because I don’t think you’re capable of handling this on your own. My way of trying to help might come across as me trying to take control, and if that’s the case, please, tell me. That is not my intention. What I do want to do is to show you that I care. I might go about it the wrong way sometimes, but I hope you know that I do.” 

 

Emma’s shoulders relaxed and she nodded, picking up the vitamins. “I know you do. If the first twenty or so websites focused on prenatal care information didn’t suggest it, the vitamins certainly do.” 

 

A faint smile appeared as Regina hummed. “I may have overdone it a little.” 

 

Emma shrugged, getting her bag so she could put the vitamins inside of it. “I’m used to it being the opposite. People usually don’t care at all. I’m not going to complain about you caring too much.” 

 

“Well, that’s...” Regina’s fingers reached out to touch Emma and then pulled back, her eyes shutting for a tiny moment.  

 

Emma took Regina’s hand and unballed her fist, ignoring the confused look in Regina’s eyes when they popped open. “You don’t have to do that, you know?”

 

Regina searched Emma’s eyes for understanding. “I do not have to do what?” 

 

She lifted Regina’s hand between them. “You, I don’t know, pull away from me like you’re not allowed to touch me.” 

 

Regina pulled her hand out of Emma’s grasp, giving Emma an odd look as she stood up from the bench. “I should probably–” 

 

“Wait,” Emma said, confused as she reached out and grabbed Regina’s hand back. “I just meant, I want you to touch me. I mean...” Her cheeks felt hot as she heard the words that left her mouth, not exactly the ones she had meant to say. She lowered her eyes and looked down at Regina’s hand as she ran her thumb over Regina’s palm slowly. “It’s part of showing me you care, right? You can do that, show me that you care about me. You don’t have to stop yourself.” 

 

Regina’s breath rushed out, loud in the air. “Okay,” Regina said simply, and her fingers curled around Emma’s hand. 

  
Emma flicked her eyes up and let a smile pull at her lips. “Okay,” she said like an agreement to something unspoken. 


	8. Chapter 8

**March 2006**

 

The first thing Emma had wanted to do when she found out she was chosen for the job was tell Regina. She hadn’t even finished reading the email instructing her of all the things she needed to do before she could start because of the overwhelming need to share her good news. It was probably the best thing that had happened to her since she entered New York, and the only person she wanted to tell was Regina. Nobody else that she sorta talked to even crossed her mind, only Regina.

 

Her stacks of coins were already out of her bag when she arrived at the pub near her apartment, her fingers ready to dial before she had closed herself in her private phone booth. She couldn’t remember the last time she had been so excited about something. Things were looking up for Emma Swan, and not even the voice in her head with its negativity was going to bring her down from her high.

 

Regina hadn’t even gotten a full greeting out before Emma was saying, “I got it. I got the job.”

 

There was a short pause full of her rushing heartbeat and papers shuffling on Regina’s end. Then, softly, Regina let out a small chuckle. “Hello, Emma.”

 

“Oh, yeah.” Emma leaned back against the wall and puffed out a breath. “Hi,” she breathed out. “Guess what?”

 

Regina hmmed. “Do I get a hint? Perhaps a topic?”

 

Emma rolled her eyes as she grinned. “Me, Regina. It’s about me. Your hint is that I just told you a minute ago.”

 

“Well, that certainly does narrow it down.”

 

“I got the job! There are a few more steps before I start working, but it’s mine. I got it.”

 

“Of course you did. I told you they would be foolish not to hire you.”

 

Emma’s heart pumped with a little extra force on its next beat. “Yeah, you did,” she agreed. “You had faith in me for some reason, and apparently they do as well.”

 

“Because you are full of potential to do great things, Emma. All you needed was for someone to give you an opportunity to prove that.”

 

“It’s just a desk job,” Emma said, picking at a sticker that looked like it had been on the glass for years. “I’ll answer a phone, file stuff, enter information into a database. It’s nothing really. Anyone could have gotten the job.”

 

“Don’t belittle your accomplishments, or yourself. _You_ are the one who they chose to hire. I can guarantee you that others interviewed for the same position, but none of them were picked. They wanted you, Emma. And as far as your job responsibilities go, those change. You have to start somewhere, but once you start, you’re allowed to grow.”

 

Emma held the phone close to her ear, the sound of Regina’s voice making her smile. “They wanted me.”

 

Regina hummed. “And now I want to be able to take you out to celebrate this weekend.”

 

Emma had known it was coming, but somehow it still surprised her. “What did you have in mind?” she asked cautiously.

 

“I was thinking,” Regina started, but then she stopped suddenly and the line was quiet. Emma was considering hanging up and calling back in a few minutes, but then Regina came back. “Sorry about that.”

 

Emma sat up straighter. “Is everything all right. Do you need to go?” She hadn’t even checked to make sure she was calling at one of the times Regina had said she could.

 

“No, everything is fine. Good news, actually. Do you remember the building I told you about the other day?”

 

“Yeah? You got it?”

 

“Mmhmm,” Regina hummed, “but that’s not what’s important right now. You have an accomplishment I am far more interested in at the moment.”

 

“Please. You just got the building for your super secret project you’ve been talking about for days. You can be excited about that. I’m excited for you.”

 

“Thank you, Emma,” she said, her smile in her voice. “It’s been a long process, and I’m looking forward to getting started on the next stage. This is going to be big for the company if everything goes well, and good for the city.”

 

“And big for you, right?”

 

“It will be, yes, but that isn’t what’s important to me.”

 

Emma nodded, knowing she was being genuine. “So do I get to find out what the project is now that it’s actually happening?”

 

“Do I get to take you out for dinner this weekend?”

 

“Where?” Emma asked. Regina made a surprised noise. Emma smiled. “Wasn’t expecting me to cave that easily, huh?”

 

“Not at all, actually. I had a backup plan that I was actually hoping you would choose instead.”

 

Emma raised an eyebrow, curious. “I’m all ears. Lay it on me.”

 

Regina cleared her throat. “How would you like to come over tomorrow night?”

 

“To your place? Like, alone? Just us?”

 

“Unless you’d like to invite someone to join us,” Regina said, sounding amused. Emma spluttered, and Regina laughed. “Yes, just the two of us. I do enjoy our alone time, don’t you?”

 

Emma felt her cheeks warm in response to the way Regina’s voice lowered. “You’re purposely making this sound suggestive, aren’t you?”

 

“Why would I do that?” Regina’s faux innocence didn’t even work over the phone.

 

“Because you’re you. I’m not just meeting you, Regina. I’ve got much to learn, but I also have you figured out in some ways.”

 

Regina hummed into the phone. “I usually don’t like that. I prefer being an enigma, a puzzle.”

 

“But with me you do?”

 

“Perhaps,” she said, which was basically a ‘yes’.

 

Emma fed the payphone more from her change and then leaned back, her hand absently rubbing her stomach as she felt the slight movement of the baby. It was a new feeling, one that started out almost like a fluttering sensation but was more pronounced now. It had started the same day her self-doubts had flooded her brain and caused an anxiety attack – because she had clearly needed another reminder of the baby after all of that. But two days had passed since then, and Emma was now feeling a strong connection to the baby.

 

An entirely different connection was forming between her and Regina, and that one was not as simple as the one between Emma and her child. She’d felt something between her and Regina from the day they’d met, that ‘need to know more’ kind of feeling. But as they spent more time talking and hanging out, it was starting to feel like something else. She knew what it felt like, was aware of the effect Regina had on her – but it couldn’t have been that, because _that_ just wasn’t something she felt with other females. Neal, and maybe a kid she’d known before running away? Yes. But Regina? She couldn’t be attracted to her.

 

Except sometimes it felt like she was. Sometimes it felt like Regina might be, too. Like most things were with Regina, this was new and completely different from what she was used to. She wasn’t sure if that was a bad or good thing yet.

 

“Okay,” Emma said in response to Regina’s earlier question. “What time is this invitation for?”

 

“How does 5:30 work for you? I can meet you at the train.”

 

“I’m as free as a bird,” Emma said, covering her face when she heard how lame she sounded. “I mean, yeah, that sounds great. I can’t wait.”

 

Regina hummed, and Emma closed her eyes and smiled.

 

* * *

 

When Emma arrived at the apartment about fifteen minutes later, she immediately started pulling off her coat and clothes. She needed to find something to wear tomorrow night, and she had less than a day to do it. Normally, she would just pull out anything and throw it on as long as it was clean and it looked like it matched. But half of her clothing was already in her pile of clothes she wouldn’t be able to wear until after her pregnancy, and the other half was a mix of ill-fitting items, permanently stained jeans, and clothes that were from her early teens.

 

A lock of Emma’s blonde hair fell in front of her face and she blew it away as she pulled a stack of clothes from the shelf and moved it to the bed. She was stripped down to her underwear and socks, the basement floor too cold to go barefoot. Her protruding belly made her sigh as she followed the curve of it with her palm. She was going to need to buy a couple pair of maternity pants soon, some looser shirts.

 

“You’re getting too big,” she whispered down to the baby, and then her eyes widened when she realized she had spoken to them. Four months into her pregnancy, and Emma had yet to do that.

 

She had gone from trying to ignore her pregnancy and not believing it to be true to being resigned and as distant as one could be to a child growing inside of their very own body. There had been moments where she communicated with the baby non-verbally as she grew more used to them, started to see them more as part of her, her child and not just a baby. She was trying not to let it, but there had been hope building, hope that things would work out for them and they’d live a happy life together. In the moments she allowed herself to fall into that hope, she was closest to her baby. But speaking aloud to them was something she had never done before.

 

A slight smile formed on her lips and then she went back to the clothes that were laid out on her bed. She selected a thick pair of black tights and immediately started searching for the only dress she owned, a denim shirtdress. With the blizzard in February and the extreme weather that followed it, she hadn’t been able to wear the dress or a few of her seasonal clothes since she’d been in New York. It was still cold out, but she had her boots and cozy socks to keep her legs warm. She wanted to look her best, and she knew that was the best of her options – if she could find it.

 

* * *

 

 

Emma let herself into the laundry room once she was dressed to look at herself in the mirror Saturday evening, the long mirror on the back of the door not seeming to fit in the laundry area but accessible to Emma when she needed it. She was almost ready to leave, her stomach in knots that had been there since she woke up. She’d taken the time to braid her hair the evening before so that she could bring a little life to it. She was almost finished taking them out; she would leave a few in, but the rest would be wavy and neatly pulled back with the bobby pins she had bought from the discount store.

 

After she pulled the string for the light and closed the door, she studied her reflection in the mirror. The dress was a little tighter around her middle than she thought it would be, but she thought she still looked nice. Her knee-high socks were white with blue stripes at the top, which matched the dress. She liked the way they looked above her black boots with the buckles, was proud of her choices.

 

She stepped closer to the mirror and pulled out the eyeliner from her breast pocket. Normally, Emma went without makeup. Sometimes she’d put on some mascara and a tinted gloss if she decided to do anything. But she’d seen the liner while getting her hairpins and decided to try something new. It was the first time she was going to Regina’s house, and she wanted to look like the kind of person Regina would actually have inside her home, not the homeless kid who had lived inside of a car for months.

 

Emma had spent more time than she probably should have practicing applying the eyeliner. She’d poked herself in the eye the first time and almost gave up immediately. Her lines were wiggly and too thick on one of her eyes, barely there on the other. She looked like someone had given her a black eye by the time she stopped trying, the eyeliner smudged around her face from where she wiped it with toilet paper. Thankfully, she did a much better job as she took her time in the laundry room, pulling her skin taut and carefully following the shape of her eyelid. She added mascara next and used a bubblegum pink lip color she had bought for her interviews.

 

“Not bad, Emma. Not bad,” she complimented herself aloud, grinning at her reflection when she stepped back for a final look. She hoped Regina would think she looked pretty.

 

* * *

 

 

Emma had thought the butterflies in her stomach would disappear by the time she saw Regina, but they did the exact opposite. They felt as though they multiplied and were flapping their wings twice as hard as she stepped through the turnstile and saw Regina waiting for her by the stairs, her head bent down, eyes focused on her phone. Emma had to pause and take a few deep breaths before she could cross the distance between them, but even after that, she still felt like she might stop breathing at any moment. Her nerves and excitement always found a reason to become intense and out of control when she was with Regina, or talking to Regina, or thinking about Regina. She didn’t think she would ever get used to it.

 

Emma cleared her throat when she reached Regina. “You wouldn’t happen to be waiting for someone, would you?”

 

The smile on Regina’s lips was almost immediate, her eyes still focused on her phone as she answered, “I am. She should have arrived on the train that came before the one that just left the station, so she might have decided not to show up.”

 

Emma smiled guiltily. “Maybe she missed her train because she was so nervous about getting to spend time with you that she forgot to lock her door and had to turn back.”

 

Regina snorted, looking up from her phone. “Why on Earth were you nerv–” she started, but then her breath hitched and her bottom lip disappeared between her teeth as her eyes met Emma’s.

 

The silly organ in her chest decided to attempt running through her chest cavity, thumping heavily while the butterflies in her belly went wild. She swallowed desperately, needing air to fill her lungs because it felt as though there was none in there. The way Regina was looking at her made Emma feel breathless. She thought she was used to how it felt as though everything disappeared around them when Regina’s eyes were focused on her, sometimes admiring and appreciating what she saw. But the way Regina had suddenly gone speechless and bit her lip was too much, was way more than Emma was used to. She was freaking out in ten different ways because of it.

 

Regina recovered easily, clearing her throat behind her hand and smiling at Emma softly. “You’re late. I was considering withholding dessert as punishment if you had shown up any later.”

 

Emma’s mouth opened as she stared at Regina with disbelief. “But that’s my favorite meal.”

 

Regina smirked. “I’m well aware of that, and I am making quite a delicious treat, too.” She nodded her head towards the stairs and started walking. “It would have taught you a lesson about being late.”

 

“No, it would have made celebrating less fun. You wouldn’t have done that to me,” she said confidently, following Regina up the subway stairs.

 

Regina’s calves tensed and released with each step, her legs only covered by sheer stockings that had a black seam going up the middle of each leg in the back. Her heels were shiny and too many inches high, but Emma always thought Regina’s heels were too high. They looked good on the older woman, but Emma couldn’t imagine trying to actually walk in anything like them. She’d probably twist an ankle while standing still or something embarrassing like that.

 

“You’re right,” Regina said when they were both above ground. “It was difficult enough finally getting you to agree to share a meal with me. I would have found another way to deal with your apparent inability to arrive on time.”

 

“Hey, I was on time when we went to the museum. I was _early,_ actually.”

 

“One minute before the time we said we would meet is not early. Early would be when I arrive ten to fifteen minutes before our specified time despite knowing that you will most likely show up late.”

 

Emma rolled her eyes, following Regina down the long Manhattan blocks. “If you know I’m going to be late, you should stop showing up early. Then maybe I’ll be on time.”

 

Regina scoffed. “Don’t be ridiculous. I show up early no matter where it is I am going. When you’re ‘on time’, you’re late. It’s one of few lessons my mother taught me that has actually turned out to be helpful.”

 

“Fine,” Emma conceded. “You’re right. I’m wrong. Happy?”

 

Regina hummed. “I am. You telling me that I’m right when I already knew I was is not the reason behind the good mood I am in, however. But, thanks.”

 

Emma looked at Regina of her eye and was caught doing so. They shared a smile and then Emma lowered her gaze to the ground, watching their feet. “It’s quiet out here. I sorta pictured you living somewhere that was all hustle and bustle.”

 

“You did?”

 

Emma shrugged a little. “Maybe more before we started talking more often. You looked like the kind of person who took a taxi everywhere and always had a Starbucks in their hand, you know? Always on the phone, never time for anyone or anything but the job. The Manhattan Businesswoman.”

 

“We aren’t all the same, us ‘Manhattan Businesswomen’ that you’ve put into one limited group. Not to mention, that is quite the stereotype there, Emma.” Regina tsked. “I’m much more than just a businesswoman.”

 

Emma frowned and wanted to kick herself. Regina sounded defensive and mildly annoyed because of what she had said. “I know that,” she said, sighing. “It was a generalization made from observations of _other_ women – which, okay, I shouldn’t make those either. I don’t know them, and I would hate it if someone who didn’t know me just labeled me and threw me in a plastic bin with a bunch of people because of generalizations.

 

“But I don’t think you’re _just_ anything. Like, you’re complex and layered and way more than any stereotype. I know how you feel about that, the stereotypes and stuff like that. I’m sorry.” She licked her lips and chanced a look out the corner of her eye. Regina’s face was blank, so Emma couldn’t tell what she was thinking. “For what it’s worth, I stopped looking at you that way before I’d even known you. You laughed when we were walking to the train that evening, and from that moment on, I’ve known there was so much to you and I wanted to get to know all of it.”

 

She expelled a heavy breath when Regina didn’t respond and wondered if she ruined the mood for the night that quickly. Sometimes she needed to think about her word choices, or maybe just stop talking. She chose to do that as they continued walking to Regina’s place, turning down a tree-lined block of brownstones. Her eyes moved to take in everything they were passing as they walked – the lady walking her small dog, the cars that probably held parking spaces more than they were driven, and even the Christmas lights that some people had yet to remove three months after the holiday had ended.

 

She was so busy looking around her that she hadn’t noticed Regina had stopped until she realized she was waiting to cross the street alone. She looked over her shoulder and saw Regina waiting in front of a four-story brownstone at the end of the block, a touch of amusement in her eyes as she waited for Emma.

 

“Oh.” Emma turned back around, smiling sheepishly.

 

Regina swept her hand through the air, indicating the stairs that led to the double wood doors with glass panels. “This way,” she said, letting Emma go first and following behind her up the stairs.

 

Emma scanned the outside of the townhouse, unsure what to expect from the outside of it. They all looked pretty much the same on the outside, but it was the inside that mattered. Emma lived in the basement of a townhouse that was split between several families, so she knew not to judge without getting a peek of the inside. Regina had impeccable taste, so she couldn’t imagine her place would be terribly decorated and outdated like the townhouse she lived in.

 

Regina let them through the first set of doors, locked them, and then turned to the second. These were more elaborate, the glass panels frosted with a floral pattern on them, the handles like crystals. There was only silence as Regina unlocked them and let Emma in first, stepping aside and watching the blonde as she scanned the foyer and the massive living room from where she stood.

 

“Holy...” Emma gasped quietly, not sure where to look when there was so much house to take in – and she hadn’t even moved from in front of the door. It wasn’t like she ever thought Regina was going to bed hungry or anything like that, but she didn’t think she was sleeping on piles of cash either.

 

The door closed behind Emma. “Let me take your coat and then I’ll show you around if you like,” Regina said, opening the coat closet to Emma’s right and shedding herself of her own coat.

 

Emma pulled off her bookbag slowly, feeling like maybe she should keep it on just in case Regina suddenly realized she didn’t belong in the kind of house that had a piano and four separate seating options around the living room – or even had room for all of those things. The layout didn’t allow her to see much more than the grand staircase, the living room with its elaborate decor and sleek furnishings, the hallway that looked as though it was lined with artwork, and the floors that were so clean they actually sparkled when the light hit them. But it was enough. It was enough to show how different they were, how different the lives they lived were.

 

It was enough to make Emma wonder what Regina even saw in a person like her, someone whose entire apartment could fit into her living room twice and probably still have enough room for the fancy table with calla lilies on it that was behind the sofa closest to the entrance.

 


	9. Chapter 9

**March 2006**

 

Emma could remember one house from her childhood that hadn’t felt cramped and like there was never anywhere for her to be alone. She had been around the age of seven, living with a married couple that had spoiled Emma the first few weeks she had lived there. The house was huge, and she had even had her own room – something she had taken for granted, not knowing she would end up sharing with at least one other person in every other home she would be placed in. There had been a yard with a pool and a dog named Chester. She had thought she had found her forever home, parents who would love her, and all the kind of idealistic crap she later would refuse to even imagine. They had decided they couldn’t handle her at the first sign of trouble, and she had lost all of that.

 

Regina’s townhouse reminded her of their house, of the large rooms and all the space that wasn’t full of people and noise and stuff – just space. The kitchen had double ovens and more cabinets than Emma had ever seen in one kitchen, an island large enough for her to lie down on and go to sleep. There was a formal dining room with a chandelier and a long table with chairs Emma imagined were rarely sat in.

 

Emma had been completely silent as they used the stairs in the kitchen that led upstairs to Regina’s home office, a bathroom, and a guest suite, the bed in the suite only taking up a third of the room – but it was nothing compared to the master suite above it. Emma hadn’t even walked into Regina’s room, too worried she would dirty the plush white carpet or knock something glass over. It was the least extravagant place in the house, the room that felt most like the Regina she got when it was just the two of them, but it was still nothing like anything Emma had ever seen in person before. The top floor was two more bedrooms and a bathroom, and the entire townhouse looked like it belonged in a magazine.

 

“Well,” Regina said as they walked down the stairs, “that’s everything.” She stopped to straighten out a black and white print on the wall, looked over her shoulder at Emma, and then continued.

 

“It’s...nice,” Emma said, wishing for pockets in her dress to stick her hands in. She felt like she needed to keep them from touching things. She didn’t want to leave smudges or make a mess of anything. “Your tour should come with a map, though,” she said awkwardly, laughing at her own joke, too loud and her discomfort obvious in her voice.

 

Regina raised an eyebrow when she looked in Emma’s direction, her head tilting to the side.

 

Emma avoided eye contact and looked around the living room, back where they started. “It’s a really sweet house. It has everything. Lots of rooms, and space, and stuff. It’s, um, nice, very nice.”

 

She could hear Regina snort beside her. “If you call it nice one more time, I might actually be convinced you like it.”

 

Emma’s shoulders fell as she turned to face Regina. “It’s just...” She huffed, not finding any words to say. Her hands gestured uselessly at the empty space between them.

 

“Big. It’s a big house, far too big for one person. Is that what you want to say?” Regina asked, like she wanted to just go ahead and get it out of the way and get on with the night.

 

Emma nodded. “I don’t know what I was expecting, but, yeah, it’s huge.”

 

“It is,” Regina agreed plainly, brushing her hand down her dress. “It was my family home. I’ve renovated since it became my own, but the square footage isn’t something that can be changed. It was too big growing up as well, but it was my home. I have memories with my father here, and I wouldn’t trade those for a smaller place.  Anyhow, I’m not home enough to notice how empty the house is.”

 

Emma frowned as she watched Regina’s fingers twine around each other in front of her stomach, something Emma had noticed her doing once or twice before when the conversation got heavy. She sighed and shuffled awkwardly, not sure what she could do to clear the air. She was still trying to figure that out from their walk over to the townhouse.

 

Regina cleared her throat and fluffed her fingers through her glossy brown hair, the ends curling slightly as she slid her fingers away. “Would you like something to drink?”

 

Emma shook her head, following Regina as she walked towards the entertainment system hidden behind black wood doors that matched the black and white color scheme of the living room. Below the machinery, there was a large CD collection neatly slid into slots, rows and rows of CDs.

 

Not yet choosing from what Emma thought was an impressive collection, Regina turned around and looked at Emma. “I was prepared for the possibility of shock once you saw the townhouse, but I do hope you’re not uncomfortable here. I want tonight – and any other time you come by for a visit – to be enjoyable for you. I meant what I said yesterday on the phone, even if it had been said in a teasing manner. I do enjoy our time together, Emma. I want to continue getting to know you better.”

 

Emma smiled as she loosened up. “It’s just different. Like, I don’t understand why someone who lives like this would– you know what? No. Let’s not dig up my self-loathing tonight. I wanna celebrate. I wanna have a good time with you.”

 

Regina nodded silently and turned on the stereo system. “Pick a few CDs out, turn it up loud enough to be heard in the kitchen, and then join me in there. Okay?”

 

“You’re leaving me?” Emma asked, sounding far more alarmed than she meant to.

 

Regina smiled slightly, brushing her hand down Emma’s arm as she passed her. “I’m giving you a moment to get used to everything without me breathing down your neck. I’m in the next room when you’re ready.”

 

* * *

 

Regina’s collection was a mix of almost every genre Emma could think of, the predictable classical music to the surprising rock music, reggaeton and r&b mixed in with blues and jazz. Emma wanted to look at every CD, wanted to know which were played the most. She could only pick a few choices out of the dozen of CDs, and she wanted to make sure she did a good job with her picks. She wanted to feel like she knew a little more about Regina by the time the music stopped.

 

She ended up with a short stack of artists who were vaguely familiar to her, picking out five albums to put into the CD changer. It started with a song Emma had actually heard before by Pat Benatar, _Heartbreaker,_ and she tapped her fingers against her thigh as the music spilled out of the speakers. She heard Regina call out from the kitchen to turn it up, so she did so until it was almost too loud for her. An image of a Regina came to mind and made her smile as she started walking around the living room: Regina, finally on her own after years of dealing with her mother’s strict rules, turning her music up as loud as she could stand and dancing to it. She wondered if Regina danced when nobody was around, wondered if she sang along to music or just sat through it and tapped a foot.

 

There was a glass horse figurine on the mantle above the fireplace, shiny and sparkling as the light hit it, little rainbows in the clear glass. Emma thought it was beautiful, a nice piece of art to display, but as she looked around more, she continued to notice horses and other animals in the art and wondered if they were more than just pretty art to have around. Did Regina like animals? She didn’t know.

 

Emma chewed on her lip as she brushed her fingers over the smooth surface of the piano. She knew Regina had taken lessons as a child, but did she still play? Did she play any other instruments?

 

Emma continued looking around, at the few pictures that were on display on shelves, the small collection of books in the bookcase on the wall across from the piano, and the little things around that would probably all have stories connected to them. Emma had so many questions when she was finished. She wanted to know where everything had come from, if Regina had picked it out herself, if it had been a gift. Emma had very little belongings herself, but everything she kept that was important had a story behind it. She wanted to know Regina’s stories.

 

* * *

 

Leaning against the wall beside the swinging door to the kitchen, Emma watched Regina mix something in a large bowl. She was wearing an apron over her dress and looking the most relaxed Emma had ever seen her. The large island was covered in ingredients and bowls. The kitchen looked like it belonged on a cooking show, and Regina looked like the chef that should be teaching everybody at home how to make the perfect omelette or something fancy that Emma couldn’t even imagine.

 

A smile started growing on Emma’s lips as she watched through the space of the cracked door. Regina’s concentration face was absurdly cute – a word Regina detested but described her too well for Emma not to use. Her forehead crinkled and her nose scrunched up at the bridge as she thought about something, looking down at her large selection of ingredients, and then she would have an _aha!_ moment and it was like a lightbulb had turned on and lit up her entire face. She was beautiful, Emma thought as her smile became wider.

 

Regina glanced over at the door and Emma nearly tripped over her feet in her haste to step back and let the door fall shut to hide her and her heated cheeks. She’d been caught silently watching Regina many times since they met each other. Emma couldn’t really help herself most of the time. There was something about Regina that demanded that Emma look, observe, and take in every part of Regina. So she did. But being caught just then felt different for some reason, and her heart was beating a little faster than it normally would.

 

Emma stayed leaning against the wall until the song that was playing ended and the next one was halfway through. She straightened out her dress and then pushed the door open, stepping into the brightly-lit kitchen. Regina had her back to the door, plenty of skin left bare from the low dip of her dress in the back, a striking contrast to the demure neckline in the front. Emma leaned with her arms folded on a clear spot on the island, waiting for Regina to be finished with the oven.

 

It was the first dress Emma had seen Regina in, and the first time there was more color than there was black in her clothing. Black might have been Regina’s color of choice, but there was something very ‘look at me’ about the red dress that looked as though it had been made to hug every single curve on Regina’s body perfectly. The front of the dress was beautiful, as Emma thought all Regina’s clothes were, but it was rather simple. The back of the dress was where everything was happening, where the dip exposed the subtle curves of Regina’s shoulder blades and the daring split in the middle came up so high that Emma could see the black lace on her thigh from the top of her stockings when she bent over to put something in the lower oven. It was a dress entirely wasted on dinner with Emma, she thought, because Regina looked stunning and should be showing off to the whole world.

 

“A silent observer tonight, are you?” Regina asked as she looked over her shoulder after she finished setting the oven. Her amusement was dancing in her eyes the way candle flames flickered.

 

Emma shrugged her shoulders ever so slightly as she forced her eyes off of Regina. “I’m just taking in everything,” she said, her eyes automatically following Regina despite her attempt to look away.

 

A neatly plucked eyebrow raised and she smirked, straightening up and smoothing her dress out. “Everything,” she repeated, humming as she started lining up items in front of her.

 

Emma’s cheeks felt warmer as Regina gave her a quick, knowing look. “Okay. You,” she admitted. “You look very nice.”

 

Regina chuckled low in her throat, putting flour into the mixer. “There’s that word again.”

 

“I don’t mean it the same way, though. It’s just the only word I can find that’s appropriate.” When Regina quirked an eyebrow, Emma explained. “Like, I don’t know which things are okay to say to you. So I go with the safest option.”

 

“Safe?”

 

“Wait, no.” Emma stood up properly and twisted her hair in her hand over her shoulder, biting her cheek. “Not safe. Um. Just, I don’t know.”

 

Regina was smiling as she combined her dry ingredients, and Emma was feeling fluttery and dizzy as she made a mess of her words.

 

“I don’t know how friends compliment each other. I don’t know if I’ll say too much, or maybe you’ll think it’s too little. Like, you know what I mean? I don’t know.” She puffed out a heavy breath, looking desperately at Regina, waiting for her to confirm that she understood.

 

“There is no improper way to compliment someone if you’re respectful when doing it. That is the only guideline I think is needed.” She flicked her eyes up and looked at Emma. “I don’t believe it is necessary to be worried about what is appropriate as long as we’re both comfortable with what’s happening. Don’t you agree?”

 

Emma wasn’t sure, and so she was silently looking into Regina’s eyes for a long moment as the brunette waited for a response. The words may have appeared simple, but Emma felt like there were layers of meaning hidden between them. Regina was good at that, Emma was starting to realize, saying one thing and having it mean several other things as well. Emma wasn’t sure what Regina was telling her in that moment, though. It just felt like more than what she said.

 

Regina broke eye contact first, licking her lips and getting her mixing bowl set up. “If you think I look nice, you can tell me, Emma. It doesn’t have to mean anything more than that,” she said, and then the mixer was on and Emma didn’t have to try to come up with a response while her thoughts were all mixed up.

 

* * *

  
“How are you so confident all the time?” Emma asked a little while later, sitting at the head of the kitchen table, facing Regina as she cleaned up. Emma had offered to help, but Regina had sent her to sit down instead.

 

Regina raised her brow. “What do you mean?”

 

“You know,” Emma said exasperatedly, waving her hands at Regina. “Ever since the day I met you, that’s something that’s stood out to me. You always seem so sure of yourself. Like, who goes up to a stranger to reprimand them? And then you started a conversation with me after that, no lead in or anything, just sat down and started talking like you were invited.”

 

Regina smirked.

 

“And you give your number to people on the train and tell them to call you, like...”

 

“I know what I want and I go after it,” Regina said simply. “How else would I have had the chance to get to know you better if I didn’t give you a way to contact me?”

 

“O-kay,” Emma said slowly, seeing the logic but not being able to completely relate. She’d been prepared to say goodbye to Regina despite wanting to get to know her better as well. “But how did you know I would?”

 

“I didn’t. After a few days, I had honestly believed you wouldn’t.” Regina brought a few items to the sink and then moved closer, leaning against the end of the island that was closest to the table. “Am I a confident person? Yes. Does that mean I’m not also doubting myself and my abilities at times? Absolutely not. It’s all about what you let the world see and what you keep for yourself.”

 

Emma nodded along, twisting her lips together.

 

“And sometimes, the appearance of confidence is all that it takes. I’m sure you’ve heard people say ‘fake it until you make it’, right? There was a time when my confidence was mostly a mask, even a second persona. Eventually, it became a part of me. I wore the mask that showed the world the me I wanted them to see until the person I saw in the mirror and the mask looked the same.”

 

“There are times when I can do that, force the confidence enough to get through something – like with the interview – but there are times I feel so out of my depth that, I don’t know, I just can’t. You know what I’m saying? There’s no amount of faking that would make me appear confident.”

 

Regina hummed, looking over her shoulder to the oven and then at Emma. “Give me an example.”

 

Emma looked around Regina’s kitchen and bit the corner of her lip, not answering immediately. “With you,” she said softly after a long pause.

 

Regina nodded like she had already known that was what Emma would say. She walked over to the table and sat down in the chair adjacent to Emma’s. “Would you like to elaborate further?”

 

Emma shook her head in the negative.

 

Regina considered something as she looked at Emma, her lips pinching together. “Do you feel like I’m expecting a certain level of–?”

 

“No,” Emma said, cutting Regina off. “It’s not you at all. It’s all the differences between us that pile up and make me wonder, you know? Why me? I feel...” She shrugged her shoulders, not meeting Regina’s eyes. It was either keep talking and sharing or look at Regina. They couldn’t happen at the same time. “I feel insecure, I guess, and out of place. I’m not the kind of person that should get attention from someone like you. You’re so...” She made a noise in her throat, annoyed with her inability to find the proper word to explain how perfect Regina was. “You know? And I’m so _not._ And, you see there? There’s the lack of confidence again. I wish I had it, or that I could at least keep myself from letting you see how insecure I am.”

 

“I understand how that feels. I wish I could say feeling confident is as easy as switching on a switch. But, unfortunately, it is not. It takes time and hard work, a lot of teaching yourself to stop putting yourself down as often as you do. It’s tough. But is it worth it in the end? Definitely.”

 

Regina rubbed her lips together, a thoughtful look in her eyes as she looked down at the table for a moment. Emma didn’t look away from Regina now that she had pulled her in with the emotion in her voice.

 

“In the end, you have to remember that your view of yourself is what matters. A lot of what we think about ourselves is usually based on other people’s guidelines, their opinions, the way they feel something should be – even without us noticing it. You have to remember that you are not living your life to please other people – and if you are, stop. You have to be comfortable in your skin, nobody else. Forget about what others think if it’s not going to put you in a better place. Forget about the status quo, fitting into roles because others say you should, and doing what is expected of you.

 

“You asked why you as though the differences you mentioned are a reason I wouldn’t want to be friends with you. They’re not. How much you have accomplished in life doesn’t say anything about the kind of person you are, Emma. Where you live, how you dress, what you can and cannot afford... None of that matters to me. Will it cause friction between us at times? Yes. We’ve already seen that happen. But does that stop us from being able to enjoy each other’s company? No, it doesn’t.

 

“I didn’t know much about you when I gave you my number, but I knew enough to know you were someone I wanted to know better. I knew that you were the kind of person who would do something stupid and reckless just to help someone out. I knew that you were the kind of person who effortlessly made me smile, even when I was tired and wanted to be home and away from people. I knew that I’ve been keeping people out for a long time because I thought it was easier that way. Despite that, I saw that there was something genuine and honest in your eyes that made me consider taking a chance. So, you ask, why you? And my response is simple. Why not you?”

 

“Okay,” Emma said, probably too simple and not enough after all Regina had said to her. But her emotions were out of control, her heart heavy in her chest, the butterflies in her stomach fluttering, her skin heated. So, Emma nodded her head and smiled at Regina as she said, “Okay.”


	10. Chapter 10

**March 2006**

 

Emma had decided that she would work on how she viewed herself and how she, despite not wanting to, sought out validation from others. She would find her mask for the world, and while she wore it, she would work on getting to a place where she no longer needed it. Even if she had to look in the mirror every day and tell herself she was badass and beautiful, she would do it. She wanted to walk into a room and not care if everybody was sizing her up or thinking she didn’t belong. She wanted to walk with her shoulders rolled back, her head held high, and know that she was phenomenal. 

 

But for now, Emma was watching Regina move around the kitchen, finishing with the steaming pot on the stove and taking down champagne glasses. 

 

“You know, I’m pregnant, not incapable of helping, right?” Emma asked. 

 

Regina smirked. “You said you’re a klutz. I’d rather not have to clean up broken glass tonight.” 

 

She rolled her eyes. “I’m not that bad. I’m more trip over air clumsy.” 

 

“Not helping your case.” Regina brought over the salad and then paused, a worried look on her face. “You don’t have a nut allergy, do you?” 

 

Emma shook her head. “Allergy free. But if I say yes, can I skip the salad?” She grinned up at Regina. 

 

Regina rolled her eyes in return, walking over to the island for more things to bring over. “If you also want to skip dessert, then, by all means. I guess I will have to indulge tonight on my own.” 

 

“What’s for dessert?” Emma asked, as though she was actually considering skipping out just so she didn’t have to eat a little salad. 

 

“Apple crumble with homemade vanilla ice cream,” Regina practically purred, selling dessert to Emma like she wouldn’t be the first on line for it.

 

“You made the ice cream yourself?” Emma asked, licking her lips. 

 

Regina nodded. “Put it in the freezer to harden before I left to meet you at the train. It’s quite delicious. Such a shame you’re going to miss out because you won’t eat your spinach.” 

 

“You know, I would think celebrating me getting the job would mean I get dessert no matter what. This is the second time the possibility of me not having any has come up tonight.” 

 

Regina hummed in her throat and served Emma some of the salad. “Eat your salad, all of it, and you can have as much dessert as you like. I made plenty.” She sat down and served herself, drizzling something that smelt really good on it. 

 

“What’s this?” Emma asked when Regina passed it to her by the glass handle. 

 

“Pomegranate vinaigrette,” she answered, and then, as though remembering something, she quickly got up from her seat and walked over to the fridge. 

 

Emma dropped a little of the vinaigrette on her finger while Regina wasn’t looking and tasted it, surprised by the flavors that began to burst like little bubbles on her tongue. She hummed and drizzled it across her salad like Regina had, using a bit more than the brunette. 

 

“I almost forgot the sparkling cider,” Regina said, coming back with a bottle, two fancy  glasses, and a dazzling smile. 

 

Emma took one of the glasses between her fingers and tried to check with Regina to figure out if she was supposed to hold it a certain way at its stem. She was used to plastic and styrofoam cups, not weighty stemware. But Regina was opening the bottle of sparkling cider and not holding her glass, giving Emma no clues. Emma put her own down instead of holding it, that feeling of not belonging creeping back in after she’d adjusted to being inside of Regina’s house earlier. It made her chest feel tight and filled her mind with doubts that were piling up and up and up so high that she would soon be doubting her very existence. 

 

Regina’s hand covered hers and a warm thumb stroked the outside of her hand, pulling her away from her thoughts and to the feeling of Regina’s skin on her skin. Her heart raced for an entirely different reason and she had to close her eyes and force herself to breathe – and count, breathe and count, she remembered. 

 

“Need a moment?” Regina asked softly. 

 

Emma took a long breath and shook her head, smiling lightly. “I’m good,” she said, adjusting her glasses with the hand that wasn’t still underneath Regina’s. 

 

Regina returned her smile and let her hand slowly pull away, her fingertips feeling like they were full of electricity as they slid across Emma’s sensitive skin. “If you like, we can skip the toast I prepared.” 

 

Emma’s eyes widened. “A toast?” 

 

Regina’s smile grew, her eyes dancing. “I’m joking, mostly.” 

 

Emma looked away from Regina and to the bubbly gold liquid in her glass. She didn’t want to tell Regina and make a big deal out of it, but Regina wanting to celebrate her accomplishment was a first for Emma. Nobody had ever done anything like this for Emma, and it meant more to her than Regina would probably ever know. None of her so-called families, none of the friends she had never managed to keep for long, or even Neal had ever celebrated anything Emma had done. It was a little overwhelming having someone want to, but it made her feel important and like Regina genuinely cared about her. 

 

She let out a soft breath and picked up her glass, not caring if Regina could tell she’d never held a champagne glass before. “Thank you for all of this,” Emma said. “It... It means a lot.” 

 

The skin at the edges of Regina’s eyes drew together, crinkling at each corner as she smiled and lifted her glass. “I’m glad you allowed me to do it for you.” She clicked her glass against the edge of Emma’s and said, “To you. May this next stage of your life treat you well.” 

 

“To me,” Emma said quietly, smiling as she brought the glass to her mouth, maintaining eye contact. 

 

Regina took a sip of her sparkling cider, licked her lips, and then put the glass down. “Congratulations,” she said to Emma, still smiling with her eyes as they looked at the blonde. “I’m proud of you.” 

 

Emma’s heart missed a beat or two and then tried to correct its mistake, resulting in the silly thing beating too quickly – but her cheeks and neck felt flushed and there was a fluttering sensation in her stomach, so it wasn’t like her heart was the only thing that didn’t know how to behave properly. Emma ducked her head in an attempt to conceal how big her smile had grown at the sound of those four words. She could feel it pulling her cheeks and knew that it was obvious and unable to truly be hidden from Regina, though. 

 

“Thank you,” she said softly. 

 

Regina hummed. 

 

* * *

 

 

Regina didn’t speak much throughout dinner. The sound of Bruce Springsteen filled the kitchen instead. Emma thought mealtime was for eating, afterward for talking, so she was glad to find out Regina liked to savor her food and didn’t feel obligated to fill the silence with conversation. 

 

The layers of flavor in Regina’s pork goulash deserved all of Emma’s attention, honestly. She had never had the dish before, or pork that felt like it melted right in her mouth as soon as she started chewing. So used to having to fight for her spot on a dinner line and just getting scraps sometimes, Emma had to constantly remind herself to take her time and enjoy her food. There was plenty and there were no older kids stealing from her bowl when nobody was looking. She chewed slowly and made sure to completely enjoy the taste of the food. 

 

When they finished dinner, Emma excused herself to go to the bathroom. She came back downstairs to Regina washing dishes,  _ Dancing in the Dark _ playing in the living room. The beat was easy to follow, one that made her want to bounce a little on her feet as she made her way over to the sink. She sidled up beside Regina and bumped into her shoulder lightly, grinning at the amused look in Regina’s eyes when she turned her head to look at Emma, Emma who had started moving to the music of the song. 

 

“Do you dance?” Emma asked, twisting her shoulders and tapping her hands against the edge of the sink to the beat. 

 

Regina shook her head. “Not around other people, no.” 

 

Emma put more energy into her moves, her shoulders rolling as they twisted back and forth, her body swaying from front to back, her movements purposely exaggerated. “Afraid you can’t match my skills,” she teased, starting to snap her fingers instead of tapping. 

 

Regina pulled her bottom lip into her mouth as she tried to keep her laughter quiet, but Emma, pregnant belly and all, started spinning in circles slowly, using all her saved up energy, and Regina’s shoulders shook as her laughter forced its way out and filled the air. 

 

Emma stopped spinning before she got herself dizzy. She leaned against the counter, grinning at Regina. Her heart was beating quickly from the kind of excitement that you only felt when you were comfortable around someone and you could be ridiculous around them without feeling self-conscious. 

 

“I want to see you dance,” Emma said as the song changed to something she didn’t know or think was good for dancing. “Maybe some other time if not tonight – although I think a good celebration should involve dancing.” Regina hummed as she turned back to the dishes. Emma turned around and looked for a towel and then took a wet plate from the dish drainer. “I can use this to dry?” 

 

Regina nodded, silent as she scrubbed a pan clean. When she finished with it, she said: “Maybe one day.” 

 

“Okay. I’ll accept that.” 

 

Regina took the towel from Emma’s hands as she was drying a plate. “Would you like dessert now, or would you like to wait a little while longer?” 

 

Emma shrugged, feeling full but not caring either way. “Whenever you want it. I can wait – unless you’re almost ready to end the night.” 

 

“No, not at all.” Regina shook her head and walked over to the stove to check the knobs. “Let’s head into the living room.” 

 

Emma followed Regina through the swinging door and into the living room, Emma in her socks and Regina still wearing her heels. The blonde wondered if she walked around the house in shoes when nobody else was around, too. It couldn’t have been comfortable, or even healthy, for her feet. Emma wanted her shoes off as soon as she closed the door at her apartment, loved slipping into her slippers that kept her feet warm but were also soft and a nice relief on the days her feet ached. 

 

Regina turned the music down, a different album playing another song that Emma didn’t know, and then waved her hand towards the seating options. “Make yourself comfortable,” she told Emma. 

 

There were two couches facing each other with a glass coffee table between them, and then matching armchairs facing the the closed doors that Emma assumed was hiding the television. She chose to sit down at the end of one of the sofas, sitting on the edge and watching Regina to see where she would sit. She was almost disappointed when Regina leaned against the side of the armchair closest to Emma. She had hoped Regina would sit on the sofa with her. 

 

Regina looked Emma over and shook her head. “Sit back, Emma. You can relax.” 

 

Emma raised her brow as she gave Regina her own once-over. “You’re sitting on the arm of the chair, not even in it, and you’ve been walking around in three-inch heels this whole time.” 

 

“Four-and-a-half,” Regina corrected with the hint of a smirk on her lips. 

 

“Even worse. You’re the one who needs to relax. Take off your shoes, sit down, let your hair down - -” she rolled her eyes with Regina arched an eyebrow, “- - figuratively speaking, of course. I can’t get comfortable if I don’t think you’re comfortable around me.” 

 

“I invited you into my home, Emma. I wouldn’t have if I wasn’t comfortable around you,” Regina said as she stood up, brushing her hands down the skirt of her dress. 

 

Emma nodded. “I know. I just mean...” She shrugged, licking her lips. “You know?”

 

Regina’s head moved from side to side as she walked around the coffee table and sat on the sofa across from Emma’s. “Despite your tendency to start thoughts and not complete them, yes, Emma, I know.” 

 

“Sorry,” Emma mumbled as she slid back into the sofa. “Sometimes the words get jumbled and messy in my head, so they don’t exactly work when I try to let them out.” 

 

Regina nodded. “Don’t apologize. I didn’t mean to make you feel like it was something you needed to be sorry for.” 

 

“Okay,” she said simply, lowering her eyes to Regina’s feet. “The shoes?” 

 

Regina crossed her legs and circled her ankle, looking at the leather stiletto. She leaned over and slowly pulled the shoe away from her foot and gently placed it on the floor. Her foot arched and straightened before she uncrossed her legs and brought the other leg to the top, recrossing them. She followed the same pattern as before, removed the shoe, placed it down, and then flexed her foot. 

 

Regina raised her eyes slowly and looked at Emma, her hand sliding up from her foot and over her leg. “Anything else?” 

 

Emma blinked mutely, watching the way Regina slowly uncrossed and recrossed her legs, her red dress slipping up her thigh a little more. She swallowed and forced her eyes away, shaking her head. “No,” she answered, her voice barely above a raspy whisper as her stomach twisted and heat crawled up the back of her neck. She cleared her throat. 

 

Regina settled in her seat. 

 

“Can I ask you something?” Emma asked, feeling a little nervous. 

 

“This sounds serious,” Regina noted. 

 

Emma shook her head. “Not really. I’m just curious, unsure.” 

 

“About?” 

 

“Us,” she answered vaguely, watching Regina’s face as she spoke. 

 

Regina dampened her lips, her expression unreadable to Emma. “What are you uncertain about?” 

 

Emma shrugged, her finger absently following the edge of the sofa as her eyes moved away from Regina’s. She opened her mouth to speak, but the words were still tumbling around in her head, not ready to come out, so she closed it and bit on her cheek, her brow furrowing. 

 

“Emma?” Regina said slowly, almost pausing between each syllable. 

 

Emma looked up and met Regina’s questioning eyes. She sighed and swallowed her nervousness. “Do you–? Are you–?” Emma shook her head and twisted her hair in her hand, pulling it over her shoulder. She huffed out a loud breath and then chuckled a little. “I don’t know how to ask.” 

 

Regina’s arm wrapped around her middle. “Is something wrong?” 

 

Emma shook her head again. “No, I don’t think so.” 

 

“Okay,” Regina breathed out, relaxing her shoulders. 

 

“Just different.” 

 

“What’s different?” 

 

“You.” 

 

“Me?” 

 

“Yeah. Not in a bad way,” she said, quickly. “With you, things just feel different from how they feel with most people. You seem different with me than you are with other people. Like, just from things you’ve told me.” 

 

“I’m not sure I follow.” 

 

Emma snorted. “Yeah, me neither.” Regina gave her a strange look and Emma smiled at her. “Was tonight just about celebrating me getting the job? Because I feel like it was about more.” 

 

A hint of a smile touched Regina’s lips before she licked them. Her lips were lightly glossed tonight, none of her usual red lipstick in sight. “Are you trying to ask me if I’m coming onto you again? I thought we already covered that.” 

 

Emma’s cheeks warmed slightly as her stomach made a mess of itself and turned into knots and twists. “Did we? ‘Cause I’m still not sure sometimes.” 

 

“Then ask me what it is you wish to ask me, Emma.” 

 

Emma knew Regina liked to be straightforward, liked honesty. She knew she could just ask something and Regina would either answer or tell her she didn’t want to talk about it. But Emma wasn’t sure she wanted to hear the answers to the questions she kept asking herself. What if knowing for sure messed up everything?

 

“Emma?” 

 

She sat up a little and took a stab at trying to be confident and sure of herself, tried pushing her nerves away and not letting them show. “Do you like me?” she rushed out.

 

“Yes,” Regina answered simply. 

 

Emma forgot she was trying to sit up tall and be sure of herself and leaned back, feeling as though she was falling deep down into the cushions. Everything felt like it was slowly turning upside down. She needed to grab onto something to keep from falling off the sofa. She grabbed the edge of the cushion she was on. 

 

“You...” Emma’s mouth felt strange, like it was full of something and words couldn’t get through. She swallowed loudly. “You like me? Like, like like me?” 

 

Regina’s mouth curved with amusement. “I counted four uses of the word like in a seven-word question.”

 

Emma narrowed her eyes. “You know what I’m asking you.” 

 

“I know what you’re trying to ask me, yes.” 

 

“Then just tell me.” 

 

“Okay.” Regina lowered her eyes for a moment, her lips pursed in thought. She hummed in her throat. “You have many qualities that I find endearing and attractive,” she said, looking back up at Emma, her eyes so intense the blonde felt a little breathless while looking into them. “As I’ve told you several times now, I think you are a beautiful person. Have there been instances that I have been slightly flirtatious? Yes. However, I am not coming onto you.” 

 

“Huh?” Emma was confused and couldn’t keep it from showing on her face. Her eyes narrowed and her brow furrowed. “So you’re flirting with me, but you don’t actually want me?”

 

Regina let out a small breath and ran her fingers through her hair. “Want you in what sense of the word?” 

 

Emma’s stomach flipped and her eyes fell shut. She was starting to regret starting this conversation, for even wondering if Regina was interested in her. It wasn’t like Emma was even attracted to females, so she shouldn’t care – except she kinda was attracted to Regina, maybe a little, sorta. She didn’t want to date her or anything like that, though. She didn’t even date guys. It was just that the idea of Regina actually being attracted to her did  _ things _ to Emma. 

 

“Every,” Emma answered after a long pause, the music playing completely forgotten in the background as her heart beat loudly. 

 

Regina’s tongue swept over her lower lip as she ran her eyes over Emma. She didn’t answer the question immediately, but when she did, it was clear she was choosing her words carefully. “I want you as a friend. I want you in my life. I want whatever comes naturally between the two of us.” 

 

Emma removed her glasses and fiddled with the arms for a moment before neatly folding them down and placing the glasses on the end table. “If I’m not...” She sighed, looking down at her lap. “Are you okay with just having me as a friend, though? I’m not–” 

 

“I have no expectations, Emma. Me choosing not to hide my attraction doesn’t need to mean anything more than you being aware that, yes, I do ‘like like’ you,” she said, smiling the same amused smile from earlier. “I see no reason why that would stop us from being friends – unless you are uncomfortable now that you know.” 

 

“I’m not,” Emma assured her quickly. She shook her head, pulling at the hem of her shirtdress. “I just don’t want things to be weird. I feel like there’s something here, you know, between us. But not that. I like you a lot. I just...” She sighed, quieting.

 

“Attraction doesn’t necessarily need to lead anywhere. Even if I was looking for a relationship at the moment, you have more important things happening in your life right now that you need to focus on. I would rather be a part of that if I’m being honest. You’re about to start a new job, you have a baby on the way, and you’re at a stage in your life where a lot of things are changing. I would prefer being someone who can help you through that when you need someone.” 

 

“Like a mentor?” 

 

The edges around Regina’s eyes crinkled. “Or a friend, Emma. That is what you consider me, isn’t it?” 

 

“Yeah, of course.” 

 

Regina nodded. “Well, that is more than enough for me.” 

 

“Okay.” Emma chewed on her lower lip for a moment, considering her words before clearing her throat. “It’s not you, you know? I don’t date at all. I’ve never liked the idea of making something that was temporary feel like it was permanent. Dating always seemed like a way to trick your brain into thinking people actually stayed.” 

 

Regina frowned as she looked into Emma’s eyes, that deep, penetrating, searching look that made Emma feel like Regina could see right through her. “Some people do stay.” 

 

Emma shook her head. “Not with me, they don’t. If they’re not leaving me, they’re pushing me away. I’m used to it, though.” She shrugged her shoulders. “I’ve gotten pretty good at protecting myself, and I don’t wait around for people to come back after they leave like I used to.” 

 

“Because people don’t come back, I assume.” 

 

Emma nodded mutely. 

 

Emma recognized the determined look in Regina’s eyes, but the brunette only nodded as well and said: “I think it’s time we have that dessert now.” 


	11. Chapter 11

**March 2006**

 

The night would soon be over and Emma would be returning home to her shoebox apartment that rattled like the train was on the other side of her wall. She would leave the warmth of Regina’s place and crawl into bed, bury herself underneath her blankets. She would have to trade in her time with Regina for time alone with her thoughts. But for a little while longer, Emma was going to enjoy her night with Regina.

 

Emma dipped her spoon through her ice cream and some of the streusel from her apple crumble. “This is delicious,” she said, bringing the spoon up to her mouth and humming around it.

 

Regina smiled fondly, watching Emma eat more than she was actually eating herself. “Thank you, and thank you for giving me a reason to pull out my apron. Cooking for one isn’t all that fun, so it’s been quite some time since I’ve done more than throw an easy meal together for myself.”

 

“You can cook for me anytime you want,” Emma said as she dug back into her dessert with gusto, and then she paused when she realized the words that she meant to keep in her head had left her mouth. “I mean–”

 

“Uh-uh. Not this time. That’s not an offer I’m going to let you take back.” Regina neatly dipped up a small amount of ice cream and brought her spoon up to her mouth. “I was looking for a subtle way to invite you over again, so thank you for taking care of that for me.”

 

Emma watched Regina grin around her spoon and then lick it clean, saying nothing in return. It wasn’t like she was really against Regina cooking for her and getting more time with the brunette. Emailing whenever they got the chance to was more than Emma did with anyone else, but it wasn’t much when she wanted to hang out and see Regina at least ten times as much as she currently did.

 

A few moments went by without either of them speaking, and then Emma lifted her eyes from her bowl to look at Regina. “I have another question for you.”

 

Regina raised her brow. “You’re full of them tonight, aren’t you?”

 

Emma shrugged. “I’m very observant, and what I observe makes me curious. Plus, I know you like having things laid out on the table. I’m starting to see how it takes away some of the confusion.”

 

She hummed, nodding along. “What are you curious about?”

 

“I understand how you feel. I get that you don’t want to date me or anything like that. But...” Emma bit her lip, wondering how many times she would push herself into conversations like this. “You dressed up for dinner with me. Was that just a normal Regina thing to do? Or...”

 

Regina lowered her gaze, an actual blush forming on her cheeks. Regina blushing was a rare thing of beauty. “You noticed.”

 

“Yeah, kind of hard not to notice. You look... _wow._ You always look really nice, but tonight...” she trailed off with a low hum in her throat, not having the words to express what she was thinking. It all felt too heavy and like too much, not the kind of stuff she should admit aloud.

 

“I noticed as well,” Regina said, sliding her tongue over her lip. She leaned back in her chair, her gaze heavy as dark eyes ran over Emma. “The makeup, the dress, your hair...”

 

“I wanted to look my best,” she admitted, her heart beating too fast as she looked into Regina’s eyes. Hypnotizing, she thought. Regina’s eyes were hypnotizing. “I would have done better if I could, but I–”

 

“Stop that. You’re gorgeous,” Regina said softly but seriously, cutting her off, her eyes softening just like her voice had.

 

Emma knew Regina hated when she put herself down, but it didn’t stop her from doing it. Sometimes words just left her mouth without her permission. She couldn’t help it. Besides, it wasn’t like they weren’t true – or at least true to her.

 

“You look incredible tonight – but you didn’t need to go through the trouble of trying to ‘look your best’ for a dinner at my house. There is no dress code.”

 

Emma shrugged her shoulders as she swirled her spoon in her melting ice cream. “You can’t say that when you look camera-ready at all times. And tonight... If I had shown up in jeans and a shirt with you looking all amazing like this, I would have felt even more out of place than I did earlier.”

 

Regina nodded, letting out a slow breath. “All right. I understand.”

 

Emma smiled at her, not wanting the conversation to get too deep. “Anyway. Back to you and this dress.”

 

Regina rolled her eyes a little. “Are you asking me if I wore it for you?”

 

“Um.” Emma shook her head from side to side, biting her lip. “No?”

 

Regina chuckled faintly behind her hand. “You may be observant, Emma, but so am I.”

 

“What does that mean?”

 

“Only that I am aware of how often you find a reason to be looking at me.”

 

Emma’s stomach dropped suddenly. “Regina, I–”

 

But Regina cut her off, shaking her head. “I told you already, if it’s something we’re comfortable with, then there’s nothing to worry about. I find no issue with anything that has happened between us. Unless you do, Emma, don’t feel obligated to give me an explanation where one isn’t required.”

 

“I shouldn’t...” She huffed out a breath, and before she knew it, words she hadn’t meant to say were tumbling out of her mouth. “I’ve only ever liked guys before. This is all new to me.”

 

“Your attraction to women?”

 

Emma shook her head, feeling the need to clarify. Regina had been open with her and shared her own attraction. It was all messy inside her head, but Regina made it feel like a safe place no matter where they were. Emma could tell Regina this.

 

“No. I don’t know if I’m attracted to women, not really. I’ve never liked a girl before. Just, I don’t know, maybe I’m a little attracted to you. But, like...” She shook her head, unable to look at Regina. She closed her eyes so she didn’t have to see anything. “That’s kinda why I asked you earlier if you liked me. I didn’t know if I was making it all up in my head. I’ve just been confused about things sometimes.

 

“Like, even before you told me you were bi, I had already thought about it. I thought you might like me. I didn’t know why you would, but there was something there that made me feel like it was a possibility. But I was okay with that, with the idea that a woman might like me. I was okay with it until I started thinking that maybe I shouldn’t be. I don’t know. Like, I don’t know, if we were to ever become friends, I’d just be leading you on. But then, I’d never felt that way with guys. I’ve had male friends who I knew liked me but I didn’t want to be with them. Nothing ever happened and we were still friends. So why should it be different with a woman, you know?”

 

Emma peeked her eyes open and saw that she had all of Regina’s attention. The older woman nodded her head in agreement to what she said. Emma chewed on her bottom lip, gathering her thoughts.

 

“I’m not a lesbian,” she said, looking down to the table and shifting in her chair. She exhaled loudly. “I don’t look at other girls, at women, and think that that’s somebody I’d want to be with. I don’t look at guys and think that either, though. So, maybe that’s why it’s so confusing.”

 

“Perhaps the confusing part is trying to find one word to categorize a plethora of feelings,” Regina suggested. She reached out her hand and softly rubbed Emma’s arm that was closest to her on the table.

 

“How’d you know? That you were bi, I mean. Did you always know?”

 

She shook her head and then got up, taking Emma and her own bowl with her. She emptied them into the trash and brought them to the sink as she started speaking. “I struggled with understanding what I was feeling for quite some time, actually. There were several stages for me. At a young age, I wanted to be like all the pretty girls. I wanted them to like me. I wanted to be close to them. I didn’t start feeling attraction towards girls until I was in fourth grade – although I didn’t know that’s what it was at the time.

 

“I confused wanting to be a girl’s friend with what was my first crush. I thought about her all the time. I wanted to be her best friend, naturally, because I thought that was the highest level of connection available between two girls. It was intense, and when she shoved me in the schoolyard and called me gross for hanging onto her all the time, I just didn’t understand why. I only wanted to be her friend.”

 

Regina finished washing the bowls quickly and then leaned against the island, her arms crossed around herself as she continued, her voice soft, her eyes a little distant.

 

“It wasn’t until my freshman year of high school that I knew I liked girls the same way I liked boys. I’d known about girls who liked girls by then, but I’d never thought I was one of them. I didn’t know you could like both. I always thought it was one or the other, and I definitely liked boys.

 

“Again, there was an overwhelming feeling of wanting to be close to certain girls. This was also when my hormones were going wild. The way I felt about boys was the same way I felt about girls. I thought about kissing them both – doing more than that. I would get butterflies when my friends that were girls would whisper things to me in class, and blush sometimes. I was sure everybody knew. I was _terrified_ everybody knew.

 

“I tried hiding it for two years, tried ‘fixing’ myself. I didn’t want to be _that_ girl. The kids at my school were cruel to people who were different, to those who didn’t fit in with the majority. I went to a school full of white students, so I was already a minority. I took it as a blessing that most people were unaware of my Hispanic roots, that I blended in. I let them believe I was one of them and never said anything when they would say nasty things about the people that, in actuality, were the same as me. I later wished I’d spoken up more about who I was, that I didn’t let people’s judgment keep me from embracing that.”

 

Emma frowned. “You were young and you didn’t want to be on the outside. I think anyone could relate to that. Your mother didn’t exactly make being proud of who you are easy for you. But you are now, you know? The kid you were ten years ago didn’t have the strength you have now. It was still growing inside of you.”

 

Regina’s lips formed a small smile as she looked up at Emma from the spot on the table she had been focused on. “The summer before my senior year, I met a girl who was proud to call herself a lesbian and didn’t hide it. I fell in love with her pride before I’d ever really known her. She taught me how to love myself, made me see how beautiful the parts of myself I was hiding were. She taught me how important it was to be true to myself. That was only the beginning for me, but we all have to start somewhere.”

 

Emma hummed in agreement. “I think my history with attraction has been simpler. Neal is the only person I’ve ever liked, but even with him it didn’t feel the way I hear people describing liking someone. It felt more like needing someone, and he was there. It felt convenient. It just felt like it made sense when we were already together all the time.”

 

“Neal?” Regina asked, her eyes dropping to Emma’s stomach quickly.

 

Emma’s hand subconsciously moved to cover it. “Yeah. Long story. Maybe save that for another time?”

 

She nodded.

 

“I didn’t have crushes when I was younger. I don’t remember kids ever liking me enough for me to even get to know anyone. I couldn’t make friends most places I lived, and I moved around too much, switched families too much. I stopped trying. I kissed a boy before I ran away. I might have liked him. I don’t know. He was nice to me.”

 

“And me?” Regina cleared her throat and pressed her lips together for a moment. She looked at Emma. “Do you think you’re confusing attraction with gratitude?”

 

Emma shook her head without needing to think about it. “You said you’re observant, didn’t you? I like looking at you. I think you’re...” She shook her head. “You make me feel things. You know, the butterflies in the stomach, heart racing, always on your mind kind of feeling? I feel that because of you. That’s not gratitude.

 

“But it’s only you, and I don’t know if it’s something that will fade in a few weeks, or if it’s just excitement about getting to know someone new. I just know that it’s only you. So.” She shrugged her shoulders, feeling a tightness that had been in her chest loosen as she smiled at Regina. “I don’t want to try to stick a label on me when I don’t think any of them fit. I just want to be the Emma that is sometimes attracted to Regina.”

 

Regina’s eyes danced across Emma’s face, light in them as she nodded her head. “That’s all you have to be. Whatever feels right to you, that’s all. And if the Emma that is sometimes attracted to me is what feels fitting, then that’s more than all right.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

Regina nodded again. “Yes.”

 

* * *

 

When the night was over, Emma’s red winter coat and bag back on, she let out a soft breath and looked around the living room from the foyer. It didn’t look so massive anymore. It just looked like Regina’s home. She still had questions about the animals in the artwork, still wanted to know if Regina played the piano or if it just sat there. There was plenty more Emma wanted to find out, more about Regina she wanted to discover. But, she had also learned a lot about the brunette, and Emma felt like the connection between them was stronger than it had been when she first walked in. They knew more about each other, and Emma understood a little more about herself as well.

 

So much that was unexpected had happened since she met Regina at the train earlier, but it had been one of the best nights of Emma’s life. Emma was already looking forward to her next visit before she had even left.

 

“Ready to go?” Regina asked, freshly applied gloss on her lips and house keys in her hand.

 

Emma nodded, turning around to open the door as Regina also reached for it. Their hands brushed each other and Emma swore her heart was going to jump out through her throat when Regina didn’t pull back but curved over Emma’s. They turned the knob together, one of the softest hands she had ever felt against her own, warm and gentle. Her eyes flicked over to Regina, and Regina gave her a small smile before letting her fingers stroke the back of Emma’s hand and then pull away.

 

“Go ahead,” Regina said softly beside Emma’s ear, placing a hand on her back to gently guide her through the door.

 

Emma stepped through and let Regina lock the first set of doors before opening the second door. The night air was cold and windy. She felt it immediately, the warmth from the townhouse slowly slipping away but leaving its memory in her mind for later. She slipped her hands into her pockets and looked up at the sky, searched it for the glowing moon as Regina locked the door. She walked down the steps and onto the sidewalk, eyes drawing imaginary lines from one visible star to the next until she was at the moon.

 

“Do you enjoy stargazing?” she heard Regina ask when she stepped up beside her.

 

Emma shook her head. “I haven’t been anywhere that has skies that are clear enough for stargazing in a long time. I like the moon, how it’s always there. Especially here in the city, it’s hard to see the stars. It’s kinda like they’re hiding. But the moon? The moon is always there to keep you company.”

 

Regina hummed and looked up to the moon with Emma, her face glowing under the streetlamp. Emma smiled as she looked at Regina, her lean neck stretched back and russet eyes wide open, like she wanted to take in the entire sky.

 

“What about you?”

 

A moment of silence passed, and then Regina started walking and talking. “I do at times, not usually. I visited Johannesburg in South Africa with my father a few years back. He loved to travel, but he rarely did. Every five years or so he would go away for a few weeks and bring me with him. It was our special time together, just the two of us away from Mother. We took our last trip when I was twenty-three, to South Africa.

 

“You want to see what the night sky should look like, you need to go there. What we see here is almost a blank canvas compared to the brilliancy you see there. I have photographs from the trip on my computer if you’d like to see them next time you’re here. Not nearly as breathtaking, but...”

 

“Yeah, I’d love that,” Emma said, grinning at the light in Regina’s eyes. She always lit up when she spoke about her father, and there was no denying that Emma was captivated by Regina’s glow. “Was he part of the real estate business, too?”

 

“My father?” Regina shook her head. “Not exactly. Both my parents founded the company, but my mother was the face of Mills International – Mills Corporation when they founded it. She was the president, the one who made them grow from a small real estate company to what it is today – and she had no qualms about reminding my father when they were alive. She wanted to make a name for herself in New York, wanted everyone to know who she was. Making a few buildings in poor cities wasn’t enough for her. She needed her name where everyone could see it, needed skyscrapers in Manhattan.”

 

Regina rolled her eyes.

 

“The company grew. We have luxury residential buildings all across the nation, properties of various other sorts in a dozen countries. The Mills name is slapped across buildings worldwide,” Regina said with a hint of distaste. “She wouldn’t have had it any other way. But, in order to get what she wanted, she took what had been pure and good for the community and turned it into the very thing my father hated. It was just about money for her, money and fame. He wanted to be a part of bringing affordable housing to communities that could have greatly benefitted from that sort of thing.

 

“They were a terrible match – as business and life partners. He did some work behind the scenes, but he mostly handled finances and our charities. When he passed, I stepped up in the company like my mother wanted me to and also took over the work he was doing.”

 

“Do you like it? You don’t talk about work much.”

 

Regina glanced at Emma, a thoughtful expression on her face. “I was raised to be where I am – or trained, one might say. My mother had my executive VP title ready for me well before I even understood the business world. I’ve been at the company since I was a teenager, learning the ropes, shadowing her. Is it what I would have chosen for myself if I didn’t spend most of my life learning the job? Most likely not. But I do enjoy certain aspects of it. I have a lot of independence that I probably wouldn’t have at another company, and I had that before I had stepped up into my current position.

 

“And now, I have my hotel,” Regina said with a smile, her voice lighter.

 

“The secret project? Am I finally getting details?” she asked, seeing the subway station up ahead and wishing their walk was much longer.

 

Regina continued talking, though. “It’s a restoration project, which is something we’ve never done. Mills buildings have a signature look – high gloss, sleek, sophisticated. This building is everything that Mills is not – but it has history, character, and you just don’t see buildings like it around New York City anymore. They’re tearing them all down. I wanted to save this one, bring back life to something they were ready to demolish.

 

“I didn’t know how I could, or if it would be worth it – but there aren’t any hotels in that area that have the kind of unique experience I know I could provide a guest. It would bring business to the stores in the area, create jobs once it’s opened, and Mills will be expanding. It might not be what my father had envisioned, but I know he would approve of this.”

 

“He would be proud of you,” Emma said confidently. She didn’t know the man or much about the work Regina did, but her determination and passion were enough to make any parent proud, or at least that’s what Emma thought. She knew she was already proud of Regina, and she hadn’t even started on her project yet.

 

Regina tucked her hair behind her ear as she said, “I’d like to think so.”

 

* * *

 

Emma hated goodbyes. Maybe she had too much practice, or maybe it was easier just going without saying anything. It didn’t matter if she was leaving the state and never planning to return, going away for a few days, or she was just going to her place after spending time with someone. Usually, they were heading in the same direction and would ride their first train together before splitting up, so their parting words were quick and easy. Tonight, however, Regina was heading back home and Emma still had a few minutes before her train would arrive.

 

After everything from the night, it felt like Emma should do more than throw a ‘see you later’ over her shoulder while walking away. If she was a hugger, she’d probably hug Regina. But the last time Emma had hugged someone was probably on Neal’s birthday the year before, and she wasn’t sure Regina was the hugging type either.

 

“Um. Tonight was...”

 

“Nice,” Regina said with a smirk.

 

Emma laughed, because that was something Regina made her do more than she had in a long while. She nodded, rocking on her boots and chewing on her cheek. “It was incredible.”

 

The surprise in Regina’s eyes looked genuine as she tangled her fingers together in front of her, holding her own hand. “Was it?”

 

“Definitely. The food was delicious, the company was even better.”

 

Regina’s eyes seemed to sparkle even in the dark. “Your flattery is unnecessary.”

 

“But my honesty is appreciated, yeah?”

 

Regina nodded. “Always.”

 

Emma shrugged and licked her lips. “Well, I had a fantastic time with you tonight – every time we spend time together, really. That’s the honest truth. Promise.”

 

“Perhaps I can entice you to come over again next weekend. I’ll let you choose dessert.”

 

Emma grinned. “You don’t need to make me dessert to get me to come over. I’d come just for you.”

 

“Then I’ll put myself on the menu, then,” Regina said, smirking when Emma’s eyes went wide.

 

“That– I didn’t mean it like that.”

 

Regina reached out and slid her hand down Emma’s arm. “I know, Emma. I know.”

 

Emma pulled her lip between her teeth and freed her hand from her pocket, her fingers pointed out so they could grab Regina’s when her hand slid off Emma’s arm. She twined their fingers together and glanced up to Regina to make sure it was okay.

 

Regina squeezed around her fingers lightly with her own and stepped forward. “Get home safely,” she told her, brushing her other hand over Emma’s cheek. “We’ll talk tomorrow.”

 

Emma nodded against Regina’s hand, not wanting to move away from the warmth of her skin but slowly pulling away so she could walk down the stairs. When she was out of sight of Regina, she placed her hand on her cheek and closed her eyes for a brief moment, wishing she could keep the heat of Regina’s touch on her skin.

 


	12. Chapter 12

**April 2006**

 

The amount of change that could occur in someone’s life in the matter of months, weeks, and sometimes even days, was astonishing. It was hard to believe that she hadn’t even been in New York for four months and already her life was completely different from the day she had entered the state. She had been homeless, jobless, hopeless, and completely unaware that she was pregnant. Now, Emma Swan was two weeks into her very first legitimate job, living in her very own apartment, and talking to the twenty-three-week-old baby moving around her belly about the kind of life they could have. Oh, how much things could change in a short amount of time.

 

She would have never allowed the amount of hope that she was currently feeling a few months back – possibly not even a few weeks back – not about this. She had thought about keeping her baby and raising them before, yes, but it had been more about determination at the time. She had been determined to do right by her child, to provide them the best she could. As her hand rubbed over the side of her belly, feeling where a small fist or foot had been hitting her, there was no other word than hope to describe what was in her voice.

 

She had received her first paycheck. And while it was a bit of a shock seeing how much of the money she worked for the government thought they were entitled to, holding her very first paycheck in her hand and seeing her name on it, a week’s earning, knowing there was another one coming in a week, had made Emma feel more proud of herself than she could ever remember feeling. It felt like the beginning of security, the first taste of stability. She had worked for something and it actually paid off, and that was new for her. A lot in her life was new for her, new and more than she had expected for herself, more than she had thought she could have a year ago.

 

Emma rolled over onto her side and stuffed her pillow between the wall and her back, trying to get more comfortable. She’d never liked sleeping on her back, preferred her stomach, and she hated it even more now that it was constantly aching. She wasn’t doing much sleeping, anyway, still not used to the change in her sleeping schedule after two weeks of no longer working through the nights. It was why she was up talking to the baby after midnight.

 

“You know, we could probably get a small place somewhere quiet. Not right away, but one day. I always wanted to live in one of those houses with the swingsets in the yard when I was younger.” She sighed, picturing the homes she had walked by when she was a kid, the ones with real families. “Maybe you can have one of those, or a soccer net. You sure do seem to like to kick a lot.”

 

She rubbed her belly, the baby active and almost appearing to be responding to her voice. She wondered if that was a thing, if they could hear her, if they understood words or recognized sounds. She knew they didn’t understand what it meant to be still, didn’t listen when she mumbled it under her breath while she was trying to quickly finish entering numbers and names into the database at work at the end of the day so she could leave. They were most active when she needed them to be calm – when she was trying to work, when she was trying to sleep, and when she needed peaceful moments the most.

 

It felt like the only time they were ever still was when she wanted them to move. The baby seemed to take naps whenever she went to see Regina. She’d been back to Regina’s townhouse three times in as many weeks, and each of those times Emma had wanted Regina to feel the baby kicking. Yet, every one of those visits, the baby had been surprisingly calm, none of their usual bouncy house movements they loved so much taking place. It was disappointing. It was the only development she had to share,  and she couldn’t even share it with her closest friend.

 

She smiled a little at the thought of Regina. Finding time to talk was harder now that Emma was actually working during the day, but she’d gone over for dinner twice and spent an entire day with Regina last weekend. They had both been quite busy the week that followed their first dinner. Regina was out of this office a lot, taking a rather hands-on approach with the hotel, needing to be involved in every decision. Emma had been getting last-minute paperwork finished, her ID picture taken, and then she was learning the responsibilities of her job and being taught the basics. There had been less hustle and bustle for Regina, but Emma was settling into a new job, trying to find her place in the office, and she’d spent most of her time attempting to get used to all of the unfamiliar.

 

It was now Friday night – well, Saturday morning, technically – and Emma hadn’t spoken to Regina since her lunch break on Wednesday. She’d tried calling Thursday night, but Regina had been in the middle of something and asked if Emma could call later. Emma had fallen asleep, though, and she hadn’t called back until she got out of work Friday. Again, Regina had been busy, so they didn’t speak. Regina hadn’t told her to call back this time, and Emma had wondered if it was because she hadn’t the night before, if Regina had actually waited for her call.

 

It had been several hours since that attempt to talk to Regina, and since then, Emma had created a mental list of things she needed to talk to her about. That was the thing about not speaking to Regina every day like she had been doing before. She didn’t get to tell her about the little things, and even the big things started piling up – slowly, because there honestly wasn’t much going on in her life. But still, there was a growing pile.

 

The most important thing on her list was something she’d been planning for a while now, for over a month. After she got home, she pulled out an old notebook and started breaking down her check, splitting it up for all the things she needed money for – her rent, groceries and toiletries, a weekly MetroCard, and then most of the little left over went towards her savings for the future. She’d been putting a few dollars aside every week for an outing with Regina, and after she took ten dollars from her check, she finally had enough to take Regina somewhere better than a gyro cart. She was ready to ask Regina out for dinner.

 

Regina had cooked delicious meals for her every time she visited, and now Emma wanted to give back. Her apartment was tiny with nowhere to sit but her bed, and there was no proper stove, so having Regina over was definitely not an option in her mind. They couldn’t go from Regina’s spacious townhouse to her little box-sized apartment. She didn’t know where she would take her yet, but she wanted it to be a good experience. She just needed to think about it some more.

 

* * *

 

The time Emma spent thinking about where she and Regina could go out for dinner had only made Emma miss her. There was a time when Emma swore she would never miss anyone, where she had been convinced that all people were replaceable. She didn’t get attached to people. She didn’t let people mean too much to her. Or, at least, that was how Emma once was. Neal had been the first to make her change how she viewed others, had gotten her to let someone in. But it was Regina who made Emma actually crave someone else’s time, their company. It was Regina whose voice she wanted to hear. She had never allowed herself to be the kind of person who would lay around thinking about someone, but Regina found a way into her thoughts more than anything else.

 

It was missing Regina which led to Emma getting up from her bed and looking for a sweater to put on over the t-shirt she was wearing. It was what made her, in the middle of the night in April, leave her apartment and walk down to the pub with the phone booth, her bookbag on her back. It was cold enough that she should have put on her coat, but Emma stuffed her hands into the pockets of her sweatpants and barely noticed the chill seeping into her bones.

 

Her walk was a short two blocks, the pub sitting on the corner between two relatively calm streets with closed shops and businesses. If there was one thing she appreciated about New York City, it was that the entire city didn’t shut down before dinnertime like it seemed to do some of the places she had lived at in the past. It was almost one in the morning and the pub was probably the busiest Emma had ever seen it, the booths and tables full, every stool at the bar taken. She didn’t care about the pub itself, but she liked that she could call Regina at night without having to stand in the cold to do so. She liked the warmth of the pub, the cozy and welcoming feeling of it – even if it managed to smell like stale beer at all times of the day.

 

As she was about to step into the booth, the guy behind the bar who watched the TV and laughed with customers more than he mixed drinks caught her eye and gave her a slight nod. She returned it and stepped in. They hadn’t spoken a word to each other since Emma first found the phone booth, but she had become something like a regular at the bar, despite never buying a drink. He acknowledged her presence, silently and with no sign of wishing for her to actually attempt to make conversation.

 

It was like the rule about staying out of people’s way when walking, she guessed. Talking wasn’t necessary. A nod, maybe a wave, and that was enough. The more time she spent in the city, the more she understood the way a lot of New Yorkers thought. Outsiders called it rudeness, but, to her, it felt more like understanding that not everybody wanted to communicate with others, especially when they had somewhere to be. And Emma certainly didn’t want to talk to the bartender when she had a phone call to make. The only person Emma wanted to speak to was Regina.

 

After she had her coins out, neatly stacked on the shelf, and the number dialed, she settled into the corner, facing away from the people in the bar. Her bookbag was stuffed behind her back, her hand under her sweater. She’d never called Regina this late before. They usually spoke on the phone around 6:00, sometimes a little later if Regina didn’t pick up and Emma had to go back out to try again. It didn’t even cross her mind that it might be a bad idea to call after midnight until after the phone had rang twice in her ear. She had been unable to sleep, but that didn’t mean Regina wasn’t already in dreamland or something like that.

 

Before Emma could consider hanging up so she wouldn’t disturb Regina’s night, Regina answered her phone with a soft, “Hello.”

 

“Hey, it’s me.”

 

“Emma, you should be asleep.”

 

Emma closed her eyes for a brief moment, hearing Regina’s voice releasing tension in her body she hadn’t even been aware of. Her shoulders felt less heavy as she sighed. “I can’t sleep. There’s a kickboxer in my stomach determined to win their match.” Regina made a small humming sound in the phone. “I didn’t wake you, did I?”

 

“No, I was awake – still working, actually.” Regina’s breath rushed into the phone, and Emma pictured her stretching, sitting at her desk in the home office. She grunted before she continued speaking. “Your call made me realize how late it is, though. I believe it might be time for me to call it a night. I’ll have to come back to this contract in the morning.”

 

“Not too early, right? You sound like you’re exhausted.”

 

“Oh, I am. If I allowed myself, I’m sure I could sleep in until noon tomorrow. However, I have not slept in since I was a child, and even then it was not something I did frequently.”

 

Emma sighed. Regina was a busy woman; Emma understood that. Regina was also a workaholic who put too much on her plate, though. Emma didn’t doubt she could handle it. From what Emma could see, she’d been doing just fine for years. But Emma was still worried about her, worried that she would forget to sleep altogether sometimes, or maybe even eat. It wasn’t normal for Emma to worry so much about someone else. There usually was nobody to worry about but herself. Regina constantly told Emma how important getting a proper night’s rest was, checked on how Emma was doing, so she couldn’t help but care about Regina’s well-being just as fiercely as Regina cared about hers.

 

“You need a break,” Emma said, remembering one of the main reasons she had wanted to speak to Regina in the first place. “You need a day off, or a night out. And I don’t mean like your normal days off where you still work from home. That doesn’t count. I mean a real one.”

 

“A real one,” Regina repeated as papers were moved around and then tapped against the desk. Her voice sounded like a hum, soft and without any of the stress Emma had heard in it when she had called after work and they spoke briefly.

 

Emma nodded, feeling slight nervousness fluttering up from her belly to her chest. “Like this weekend, maybe tomorrow night. You should let me take you somewhere for dinner. Forget about work for the day and spend some time with me instead.”

 

“I wish I could,” Regina said regretfully. “Trust me, if there was anything that could get me to cancel tomorrow, it would be your proposal. However–”

 

“Not happening,” Emma said with an audible frown, disappointed despite trying not to be. The fluttering died down with her excitement. “Yeah, I figured it might be a no.”

 

“Only because I have a meeting in Jersey at noon. If I was only working here at the house, I might let you talk me into whatever it is you have in mind. But, as it is, I will be away from the house most of the day and probably won’t be back until late in the evening.”

 

“Okay,” Emma said simply. “Maybe next weekend. Let me know what your schedule’s looking like and we can set something up.” She worried her lower lip as she looked down at her lap, suddenly not sure what else to talk about. “I should, uh... It’s late. You should sleep.”

 

There was a quiet pause that lasted several uncomfortable seconds, and then Regina cleared her throat. “I’ve been brushing you off a lot, haven’t I?” she asked, sounding annoyed with herself.

 

Emma shook her head. “No. No, you’ve been busy. I get it. We’ve both been busy, and you made time for me every weekend. I’m just...” Emma sighed. “I wanted to take you somewhere, and I guess I got caught up in saving for it and being able to do something for you for once, and, I don’t know, I forgot to think about how much you have going on in your life right now. Me asking you out for dinner was at the last minute. I should have said something before now.”

 

“Why don’t you come over?” Regina asked immediately. “I can’t promise I’ll be the most lively person, but you’re always welcomed here, Emma.”

 

“No,” she said with a shake of her head that could not be seen, feeling like she might have guilted Regina into inviting her over. “It sounds like you’re going to be around people all day. You’re going to be tired. I’m sure you’re going to want to–”

 

“Emma,” Regina interrupted, her voice serious but light, “come over.”

 

Emma fed the phone another coin and let out a soft breath. “Okay. But you’re not cooking. I was serious about you needing a break.”

 

“That’s all right with me. We can have something delivered.”

 

“Nope. I’m going to cook for you.”

 

“I wasn’t aware you cooked.”

 

Emma half-shrugged. “I do enough to survive. I promise I won’t give you food poisoning or anything.”

 

Regina snorted and made a noise that sounded like a laugh was trapped in her throat. “I feel as though I should be worried that you thought to bring that up.”

 

She rolled her eyes. “I’ve never given anyone food poisoning, if that’s what you’re worried about. I’ve never actually cooked for anyone else before, only myself.”

 

“I get to be the first. I’m honored,” Regina said with an audible smile that made Emma feel warm all over. “Should I pick up anything from the store before I come home tomorrow?”

 

“I’ll take care of everything. Just give me a time and promise not to laugh at me if I screw something up.”

 

“I’ll say 6:30 to be safe.”

 

Emma cleared her throat loudly. “The promise.”

 

Regina laughed throatily into the phone. “I don’t make promises I might not keep.”

 

“Fair enough,” Emma said. “Too many people make empty promises. I like that. But, still...”

 

“Don’t worry, Emma. I am sure everything will be fine.”

 

And there was something so assuring about Regina’s tone that Emma couldn’t think of any reason why it wouldn’t be. Everything would be fine – the dinner, their evening together, and everything else. Her hand rubbed her belly and her eyes fell shut. Everything would be fine.

 

 


	13. Chapter 13

**April 2006**

 

It didn’t matter how innocent she was at the time, Emma always felt like there was someone watching her when she walked into stores. It was like someone had written **THIEF** in big, fat letters on her forehead and everyone could see it as soon as she walked through the doors. She felt like there were eyes on her, even when nobody was around, like they were waiting to catch her slipping something inside her coat or under her shirt. It was even worse in the neighborhoods she clearly didn’t belong in, the ones where everything was fresh and clean and sparkly while Emma wore her dingy coat and scuffed boots.

 

That was what it felt like as she walked down the aisles of the supermarket a few blocks away from Regina’s townhouse. The hair on the back of her neck stood up straight. She was on high alert, constantly looking over her shoulder as though she was guilty of the crime they were waiting to catch her for. The last time she had stolen something from a store, it had been deodorant and new toothpaste before she and Neal started planning to go to Tallahassee. Everything she had now, she’d either paid for it or properly acquired it. The fact that she was clean, not a single crime committed in the state of New York, did nothing to make her feel any less worried about people watching out for her once-sticky fingers.

 

She tried to move quickly – but not too quickly. She didn’t want to draw attention to herself, and she didn’t want to feel like she was being watched. It was an uncomfortable feeling, made her feel like putting her empty basket down and rushing out of the store. Of course, then they’d probably stop her and try to search her. So she just walked up and down the semi-busy aisles and tried to figure out what she wanted to make.

 

While she had had all day to figure out what she would cook, she hadn’t actually settled on anything. She was nowhere near being as good of a cook as Regina was, but there were a few things even she couldn’t screw up. She stayed away from chicken – because she never knew how to tell when it was done, so she always overcooked it. Most other meats were too pricey. She had thought about making spaghetti, simple, delicious, and probably the best dinner dish she knew how to make. But when she started walking around the store, she began craving something sweeter instead.

 

She was in front of chocolate chips when she decided she was going to make pancakes. It wasn’t like she _had_ to make a conventional dinner. She had only said she would cook. Pancakes were her go-to food when she wanted something easy and sweet, and making some for Regina felt like sharing a little more of herself, letting her see a little more of Emma. And wasn’t that what Regina was always saying? She wanted to know who Emma was, inside and out. And, well, Emma was a pancakes for dinner kind of person.

 

* * *

 

The feeling of being watched and followed didn’t fade until she was a block away from the store and there were no sirens blaring in the air. Her stomach loosened and she stopped looking over her shoulder. She was able to breathe without problem, take in all of Manhattan’s pollution like it was the freshest air she had ever breathed in.

 

Spring was technically in full swing, but the evening was still chilly as she walked in near silence. The change in her bookbag jingled a little, and the loose buckles on her boots made small noises. Other than that, it was quiet and empty the entire way to Regina’s house from the store. It was such a shock to her, still, after coming back week after week, that it was so peaceful where Regina lived. It was quiet most hours of the day where Emma lived, sometimes loud music and the rattling of the train, but mostly the cars and children were the only noise. But it was like someone had turned the volume on its lowest setting in Regina’s neighborhood, and it was crazy thinking she wasn’t even that far away from some of the loudest parts of the city.

 

She almost felt like she was disturbing the peace when she rang Regina’s doorbell, hoping she wasn’t late. She still needed to get herself a watch – or maybe a prepaid phone in a few weeks now that she had a little more income to work with. Half the time she was late it was because she didn’t know what time it was in the first place. She would sometimes look into stores and cars when she passed them, but there hadn’t been a visible clock inside of the supermarket, so Emma hadn’t the slightest idea what time it was.

 

She waited a few moments and then stepped back to see if she could tell if the lights were on inside when there was no answer. She leaned over the side of the balustrade and looked into the living room window, not seeing any light coming from the slight gap between the curtains.

 

She was carefully leaning over the other side when a car pulled up and made her jump away, straightening up with the same guilty feeling she had felt when she’d been in the store, like she was caught breaking the law when she wasn’t doing anything wrong. The headlights made her feel like there was a spotlight on her, and she wanted to run, to escape, her heart in her throat as she stared wide-eyed at the black sedan with tinted windows that didn’t allow her to see much of anything. But she had done nothing wrong, so she stayed where she was, backing up against the door without realizing it.

 

It felt like hours had gone by before the back door opened, and Emma was waiting with her breath held in her throat every second. Her pulse was like the beat of festival drums, loud and heavy in her ears. Nobody stepped out of the car, and it felt like the kind of moment where she should probably get away – but there was nowhere to go, and she couldn’t outrun a car.

 

Emma forced herself to breathe and shake her crazy thoughts out of her head. She wasn’t about to be kidnapped or brought back to a foster home she had run away from. She was being ridiculous. Yes, completely ridiculous, she told herself, still waiting for someone to get out of the car so she could stop waiting for something bad to happen.

 

And then a foot appeared, fine leather and heels that were far too high. Emma rolled her eyes at herself immediately, her heart calming when the top of Regina’s head came into view, her entire body relaxing when Regina’s eyes met hers. Even with the shine of the headlights making it difficult for her to see without squinting her eyes a little behind her glasses, that moment she saw Regina, she felt the familiar rush of warmth that shot through her whenever she got her first look of Regina for the day.

 

Regina stepped onto the sidewalk and shut the car door after saying a few words, carrying a briefcase in one hand and her purse in the other. The car pulled away as Regina started walking towards the stairs, the bright light of the headlights fading as a new, softer light flooded Regina’s face. It would never not surprise her how delighted Regina seemed to see her. No matter the mood she had been in before they were together, she always greeted Emma with a tender look, a soft smile that started not at her mouth but in her soulful eyes.

 

“You’re late,” Emma called out, not even sure if it was true or not.

 

Regina laughed faintly in her throat, climbing the stairs. She looked Emma over and then handed her the keys, holding them by the one to unlock the door. “Please,” she requested simply. She rolled her shoulders tiredly and yawned with her lips clamped tightly together. “There was an accident at the Lincoln Tunnel. We were delayed for over forty minutes. I would have been home much earlier if not for that.”

 

Emma took the keys from Regina, looking at them strangely for a moment before turning around to unlock Regina’s front door. “Still late,” she said, pushing the door open and stepping aside so Regina could walk in first. It was weird opening someone else’s door, but even more odd would be going in before they did. “I was here first for once. I’ll remember this next time you want to get on me for being late.”

 

Regina rolled her eyes a little, the corner of her mouth lifting to make a small smile. She walked in and Emma followed, taking the keys from the door and then turning the lock once it was shut. She let Regina point out the next key and followed the same steps, letting them into the townhouse and then locking the door.

 

“Thanks. You can just put those in the bowl–”

 

“By the vase,” Emma finished. “I know.”

 

Regina hummed and stepped aside to let Emma move over to the small round table in the foyer, the one where Regina kept her keys in a glass bowl that had a layer of sea green and ocean blue stones in it. Emma paid attention to small details and routines, and Regina had a very precise routine when she entered the house that Emma had learned after only seeing it twice.

 

“I hope you weren’t waiting long,” Regina said as she walked over to the coat closet and put her bags down neatly. She moved over to the lamp and lit the foyer with a golden light that slipped into her hair and highlighted the rich browns in the waves and loosely curled ends.

 

Emma shook her head, taking the hanger that was handed to her once Regina was back at the closet. “Nope. I just got here. I took longer in the store than expected. I couldn’t decide what to get.”

 

Regina looked over at the grocery bag Emma had set down on the table. Her head tilted to it, her fingers working on the buttons on her jacket. “What did you choose?”

 

A large grin spread across Emma’s face as she answered, practically singing with glee. “Chocolate chips, peanut butter chips, and bacon.”

 

Regina pulled a face that made Emma laugh, her nose scrunching up in that adorably cute way it did. “Chocolate, peanut butter, and bacon. Please tell me you’re joking.”

 

Emma shook her head, hanging up her coat and putting it away. She kicked off her boots, a hand on the small of her back making her hold on to the wall for extra support. “Not at all. Why would I joke about deliciousness?” she asked as she pulled her hair over her shoulder and stepped behind Regina, her feet covered in colorful striped socks she hadn’t noticed didn’t match until that moment.

 

Regina made a surprised sound when Emma moved behind her, but she turned her back fully and allowed the hands that tucked around her collar to help her. A small smile graced her lips when Emma’s fingers brushed the back of her neck, the backs of knuckles on Regina’s warm skin. Emma smiled at her as well, liked the way Regina let her help without protesting or questioning it.

 

Arms were slid out of sleeves, and then the older of the two turned around so they were facing each other. “Thanks,” Regina said softly, taking the jacket from Emma and bringing it to the coat closet.

 

“No problem.” Emma watched as Regina shut the door and then picked up her bags, noticing how tired her movements were. She frowned a little. “Why don’t you change, maybe shower if you want, and I’ll make dinner?”

 

“And what exactly is dinner?” Regina asked, eyeing the grocery bag again.

 

“My very, very, very special pancakes. And before you say anything about how pancakes aren’t for dinner–” Emma started, but Regina interrupted her with a raised hand and a shake of her head.

 

“Pancakes sound wonderful. You won’t hear any complaints from me.”

 

Emma gave Regina an exaggerated look-over. “No complaints about my food choices? Who are you? You can’t be Regina. Regina _always_ has something to say about the foods I like.”

 

Regina rolled her eyes and tucked her hair behind her ear, turning away from Emma to hide the smile that was slowly forming on her lips. “That is just not true. I’ve only suggested that you incorporate more of the foods that are good for the baby – and you – into your diet.”

 

Emma scoffed, starting to walk into the house properly as she said: “You made me keep track of what I ate for a week and then sent me _an essay_ in response, which was basically a million words of you telling me I ate trash.”

 

Regina laughed behind her hand, leaning against the stair railing. “I did not say that.”

 

Emma smiled at the sound of Regina’s laugher. Her eyes lit up when she laughed, her entire face did. It always made Emma’s stomach flip just a little, even though Regina laughed a lot more than she did when they met. It was still one of those things that made Emma _feel,_ feel like she couldn’t remember ever feeling before. She loved it. She loved Regina’s laughter.

 

“You might as well have said that.”

 

“To be fair, Emma, you eat like a five-year-old. It wouldn’t kill you to have a salad once in awhile.”

 

“And it wouldn’t kill you to have a burger every now and then, but I don’t see you rushing to get on line at Five Guys.” Regina’s nose wrinkled. Emma grinned, pointing up the stairs. “I have pancakes to make, and you need to stop looking like you’re about to make a room full of grown men cry. Go get into something soft and comfortable.”

 

Regina’s eyebrow lifted as amusement played in her eyes. “The whole room?”

 

Emma laughed in her throat and nodded. “Every single one of them.”

 

“Wonderful,” she practically purred. Her eyes dancing with pure delight at the prospect of making a room full of men break down.

 

Emma shook her head, still laughing. There was something ridiculously incredible about Regina, and it made Emma smile uncontrollably.

 

Regina began moving as if to ascend the stairs, but then she paused. “Will you be all right down here by yourself?”

 

Emma nodded, completely comfortable in Regina’s home in a way that she hadn’t expected she would be when she first walked into the townhouse last month. “Yeah. Unless you want me to wait until you’re back, I’d like to go ahead and get dinner done.”

 

Regina shook her head and waved a hand towards the kitchen. “Kitchen’s all yours. If you have a hard time finding what you need, I won’t be long. But if you want to get started, by all means, roll up your sleeves and have at it.”

 

“Great.”

 

* * *

 

The kitchen was a tasteful mix of cherry wood, stainless steel, and granite that looked like sand. In a townhouse that was both classically beautiful and modern, the large kitchen with its fancy appliances fit in perfectly. But Emma had turned the pristine room into a mess of flour and scattered ingredients. There were egg shells piled in the open carton of eggs, sugar with a spoon sticking out of it next to the plate of crumbled up bacon, loose chocolate chips that had escaped the bag, and a dusting of flour on both her shirt and the pretty granite. It would seem, chaos followed her in the simplest ways at times.

 

This was of course how Regina found Emma when she came back downstairs, making a surprised gasp that made Emma’s cheeks heat as she looked up from her pancake batter with apologetic eyes and her best smile. “I’m going to clean it up, I swear. It just kinda got out of hand. I was trying to hurry and have the food done by the time you finished, so I was rushing and...” Emma stopped speaking, her brow furrowing as Regina started laughing quietly, coming down the last three stairs. “What?”

 

Regina swept her eyes over the island and shook her head, making a sound of disapproval in her throat that made Emma’s stomach twist. “How on Earth did you manage to make such a disaster of my kitchen?” Her eyes sparkled as she came up to Emma and brushed Emma’s hair behind her ear, her fingers sliding over Emma’s cheek, dusting away flour. “I left you alone for five minutes.”

 

Emma swallowed, trying to figure out if Regina was upset with her or not. She couldn’t tell. “I’m sorry,” she apologized with a heavy breath. “I’m not usually this messy – well, okay, that’s kind of a lie. But it’s only when I’m cooking. There’s just so much...” She huffed out a breath and quieted, cutting herself off once more because of the response she received from Regina.

 

Regina was smiling at her, one of the smiles that made Emma feel like hiding her face behind her hands because Regina’s smile made Emma blush. The look Regina was giving her was like the kind you gave to someone when they were a mess – which Emma clearly was – but you didn’t care, you actually _liked_ that about them. It was the kind of look that made Emma feel like Regina could see all her screw ups but didn’t think any less of her. It was fond and soft and just for Emma.

 

“It’s just a little flour,” Regina said as she brushed her hands together. “It’s all right.”

 

Emma gave Regina the same exaggerated once-over she had earlier. “Now I know something’s up. My Regina is a bit of a neat freak and would probably be losing her shit right now if she saw the mess I made.”

 

Regina rolled her eyes and brushed past Emma, her hand touching Emma’s back for a brief moment. _“Your_ Regina is multifaceted. You should know that by now, Emma. I can relax and stay calm – even when you’ve turned my kitchen upside down,” she said, looking over her shoulder as she stood in front of the open fridge.

 

Emma smiled at her, nodding. “Yeah, I know. You’re right.”

 

“I usually am,” she said as she turned away and searched the fridge for something, absently rubbing her the back of her calf with a bare foot.

 

She had done as Emma instructed and put on comfortable clothes, Emma noticed. She had chosen a pair of pants that were stretchy but tight around her legs and thighs, and on top she wore a gray sweatshirt from Columbia that was big on her petite body. It was such a different look from her business attire, and even the outfits she wore when the two of them spent time together. Emma hadn’t noticed any makeup left on her face, just smooth skin and a softness that Regina hid too often. It was not a look for entertaining a guest or taking charge of a room. Regina was dressed for a night at home, comfortable and relaxed, and Emma liked seeing what Regina was like when she was just herself, not the hostess, the businesswoman, or the version of Regina that turned heads when they walked down the street together.

 

She allowed herself a few more seconds of silently appreciating the small sign of Regina’s increasing level of comfort around her, and then she brought her attention back to the pancake batter. She gave it a few more stirs and then turned around to the stove.

 

“Would you like some help?” Regina asked her, but Emma shook her head in the negative.

 

She noticed Regina getting plates down and getting out utensils, anyway. She only gave her a quick look over her shoulder and went on with preparing their food, working in a comfortable silence.

 

* * *

 

When Emma added her last pancake to the stack, she brought them over to the table and the two of them sat down. Regina had been watching her curiously. Her eyebrow had risen when Emma sprinkled the bacon bits and mixture of chocolate and peanut butter chips onto the cooking pancakes, but she hadn’t said a word. She had, though, despite Emma saying she would take care of it when she was done, cleaned up most of the mess Emma had made on the island. Emma could tell Regina wasn’t the best at sitting still and waiting, needed something to do to occupy herself most of the time. Understanding what that was like, the need to do something, she hadn’t reminded Regina that she was supposed to be resting and letting Emma take care of things.

 

Emma divided the pancakes in half, four on each of their plates. “I can make more if you’re still hungry afterward,” she said.

 

Regina eyed the pancakes and then Emma, a bit of amusement flickering in her eyes. “Not all of us are trying to eat for two, Emma.”

 

Emma laughed and took the spoon from the leftover bacon bits and spread a few out on her top pancake. _“This_ is hardly me trying to eat for two. This is me eating for one hungry Emma. Get back to me when I’ve eaten twice as much as this.” She started rolling her pancake, tucking the bacon bits in, and then she grabbed the syrup and squeezed some out on one half of the pancake before she completed her roll. She licked her thumb and looked up at Regina. “I could eat about eight or nine of these before my appetite even increased.”

 

“I shouldn’t be surprised by that,” Regina said, watching Emma as she took a big bite from her pancake roll.

 

Emma felt syrup drip down her lip and licked it, chewing slowly as she raised an eyebrow. Regina was looking at her with that fondness in her eyes that made them twinkle, and Emma was trying not to blush under her appreciative gaze. “You’re supposed to eat, not watch me.”

 

“You’re supposed to use a fork and knife, but...” Regina smirked a little.

 

Emma shrugged her shoulders, taking another bite, chewing, humming, swallowing. “This is the best way to eat pancakes – or dipping them in the syrup works, too, if you don’t add the extra bacon.”

 

“You really shouldn’t add the extra bacon.”

 

Emma grinned. “Am I about to get a health lesson?”

 

“I said I would behave.” Regina shook her head and held up her hands. “If you want to increase your risk for heart disease, raise your blood pressure, and clog your arteries, who am I to stop you?”

 

Emma shook her head with disbelief and pushed Regina’s plate to her. “You’re terrible. You can’t even behave after saying you would five seconds ago. Eat.”

 

“Behaving is overrated,” Regina said as she moved three of her pancakes back to the serving plate and lightly drizzled syrup on the one that was left.

 

“I have a hard time believing you truly believe that.”

 

Regina hummed, looking at Emma as she placed a neat triangle slice into her mouth and chewed slowly. She could see it in Regina’s face, the small moment of uncertainty that melted into approval as she decided that she liked the pancakes. She had expressive eyes and the best facial expressions, Emma thought, and Emma felt herself smiling with pride as Regina’s pleased surprise flitted across her face.

 

“Have you been under the impression that I’m an innocent little snowflake, Emma? Because, I must say, I’d be surprised if you thought that.”

 

“Honestly...” Emma sucked her lip into her mouth. “You’re well-mannered and responsible, and I can’t see you ever not being that. But I don’t think I’d ever call you innocent. From my experience, nobody’s really innocent. We’ve all done wrong, been bad, or had impure thoughts. Even the best of us are guilty of something in the end.”

 

Regina’s eyes flashed with intrigue. “And what are you guilty of?”

 

Emma felt her pulse pick up as she looked down at her food. She shrugged her shoulders. “Way too many things,” she said, “way too many.”


	14. Chapter 14

**April 2006**

 

Thinking the ultimate level of intimacy was sexual in nature had never made much sense to Emma. Sex could be intimate and close, but in her experience, it was mostly just lust and need. It wasn’t that she didn’t believe there were people out there who cared about more than the release that came with sex. Even though she had never experienced it herself, she knew that love, sex, and trust could intertwine and make an intimate experience. But what she also knew was that there was a never-ending list of ways to be intimate with someone, and sex just wasn’t at the top of that list in her mind.

 

She could have sex with anyone. Letting her guard down, however, was something she rarely did around people. Even when she was well-acquainted with someone, she kept most of herself hidden behind indestructible walls for protection. She never got too comfortable. If she ever felt like she had let someone in too much, if she was holding on too tightly, she would cut all ties with that person and run. The way Emma saw it, people were temporary, and it was always better to be the one to leave so she didn’t get left behind.

 

But once in a blue moon, she found reasons to ignore her rules. She found, as she laid on Regina’s sofa with her feet crossed at the ankles and a pillow under her head, that she didn’t want to run from any of what she had with Regina. There was no question in her mind about whether or not she had let Regina in too much. She knew that she had let Regina in more than she had ever let anyone else – which she would have considered to be too much at one point – but it felt right, like it was safe to do so.

 

She felt comfortable with Regina, like breathing was easy, like she wasn’t expected to be someone she wasn’t, and that wasn’t something she wanted to put an end to. Being comfortable with someone, truly comfortable, letting them see who you really were, not needing to talk or do anything, just be with them and feel content, that was the kind of intimacy that Emma thought should be considered the ultimate type.

 

The truth was, for Emma, giving someone an orgasm didn’t mean anything, but baring her soul and letting someone see all there was to see of her, dark corners and all, that was everything.

 

* * *

 

“Oh,” Regina said suddenly from the sofa on the other side of the coffee table, a smirk starting to form as she unfolded her legs and stood up. “I have something to show you.”

 

Emma tilted her head back on the pillow, blonde hair spilling down to the floor as she watched Regina go over to the bookshelf on the other end of the room and kneel down. “What?” Emma asked curiously.

 

“Proof,” she answered absently, scanning the books with her scrunchy concentration face. The shelves were full of colorful spines, some novels, others unmarked. She pulled out a few, opened them, and then shook her head and returned them to their proper spots.

 

Emma moved on to her side slowly, grunting in her throat as she settled with her back against the sofa. She raised her head up and slid her fingers through her loose hair, her head resting on her open palm. She massaged her scalp and let her eyes fall shut while waiting for Regina’s return, a yawn softly blowing past her lips. The quiet and perfectly heated room made her feel sleepy, relaxed, like everything inside of her was melting as she lay down, a content sigh unwilling to be contained. It was nothing like nights spent trying to ignore the sound of rumbling on the other side of the wall back at her apartment.

 

It felt as though she had only closed her eyes for a few seconds, but when she opened them, Regina was sitting on the floor beside her, halfway through a photo album like she had been there for a while. She was gently smiling down at the photographs, leaning one of her elbows next to Emma on the sofa. Emma used the hand that was tucked securely under the weight of her stomach to stroke Regina’s arm through the soft cotton of her sweatshirt, alerting her of her wakefulness.

 

Regina’s eyes flicked over to Emma and her smile grew slowly, her hand reaching across herself to cover Emma’s and give it a squeeze. “Hey,” she whispered. “I thought I would have to show you up to the guest room.”

 

Emma shook her head before she laid it down, shifting and getting more comfortable, laying on a throw pillow. “Sorry ‘bout that. I guess my lack of sleep is starting to catch up to me.”

 

Regina frowned, looking over Emma like she was checking for something. “You didn’t tell me you were having troubles sleeping. I thought it was just a one-time issue last night.”

 

“You’re starting to worry. I can see it in your eyes. Stop it. I’m fine. I’m not used to sleeping at night yet, and the baby isn’t either, apparently. They like to move around a lot.” Emma shrugged one shoulder a little. “It just takes time to get used to, I guess. Don’t worry about it. You worry too much.”

 

“I worry because I care,” Regina said under her breath, turning her attention back to the book, her jaw tight.

 

Emma sighed. “I know that,” she told her softly. “I’m just–”

 

“Reluctant to let someone care about you. I’m aware.”

 

“Hey. That’s not fair.”

 

Regina lifted her eyes and tilted her head to the side, brow raised. “Then perhaps it’s just me, then. Is that it? You somehow find a problem with everything I want to do for you. I understand the bigger things, but I’m only asking about your sleep and you’re trying to get me to move on from the topic as though it shouldn’t matter to me.” She shook her head. “Whether it’s unconscious or not, you can only push someone away so much before they stop trying. I hope you know that.”

 

Emma was surprised to hear Regina felt like she was pushing her away. She didn’t think she was. Yes, she did fight against Regina’s help most of the time. But, even if she was, as Regina said, reluctant, she also always took her advice in the end, always listened to what Regina had to say. She had actually believed that she’d been doing a good job at _not_ pushing Regina away like she was used to doing with most people.

 

Emma sat up a little, sighing heavily as she looked at Regina. “It’s not intentional,” she swore. “Sometimes it can be a lot for me, the attention, the concern, the way you always want to do things for me – but I appreciate it. And yeah, I get that fighting your help makes it seem like I don’t. I get that. But, to be fair, there have been very few times when I didn’t take what you said into consideration and accept your help. It might not be right away like you want, but I almost always do.

 

“You were worried about my diet, so I went through your very long list of suggested foods that I should eat, and I actually started eating some of them. I’m still taking my vitamins every day. I’ve been stretching before bed, even though it doesn’t seem to help at all. I went to the program for the job and went through the entire process. Even though I was mad at you when you set it up for me, I was more grateful than you can imagine – especially once I got the job.”

 

Regina didn’t say anything in response at first, her finger idly running back and forth over the top of the photo album as she stared at a spot on the floor. Her shoulders were tense, her lips pursed. Emma’s stomach felt tight as she waited for Regina to say something, or, at the very least, look at her.

 

“You’re right,” Regina said after several agonizingly long moments of silence. It made Emma raise her eyebrows with surprise. Regina dampened her lips and fisted one of her hands, holding her thumb down against her palm as she exhaled a lengthy breath. “I’m not being fair. All of what you said is true. You do, eventually, listen to my concerns and take my advice.

 

“You also make an effort to stay in touch despite my unavailability when it’s most convenient for you to sit down and have a conversation. The time I dedicate to my work has driven many away, so your willingness to work around my schedule shouldn’t be overlooked. That’s not something you would do if you were truly trying to push me away.” She let out another breath and looked at Emma. “I’m putting it all on you, when, in fact, what’s bothering me is how useless I feel. I want to be able to do more for you.”

 

“You do plenty,” Emma told her. When Regina stiffened slightly, Emma mentally smacked herself on the back of her head. “I mean...” She huffed.

 

“Last night, you said I needed to take a break, did you not?” Regina asked as she closed the photo album on her lap and put it down on the floor beside her.

 

“Yeah,” Emma responded slowly, unsure what point Regina was trying to make.

 

The brunette nodded, tucking her hair behind her ear and rubbing her lips together, meeting Emma’s gaze. “You’re worried that I work too much. While I might not completely agree, I understand your worry. That’s all I’m asking for you to do.”

 

“I do.”

 

Regina smiled lightly as she shook her head. “You know that I worry, and you listen. I don’t think you quite understand it. If you did, when I say that I want to do more, you wouldn’t tell me I do plenty. You would understand that I will continue to feel as though there is more I should be able to do for you despite how much I have done. You would understand that the amount done does nothing to diminish my desire to show you that I care. That’s all I want, Emma. I want you to understand – even if you can’t fully accept it.”

 

Emma nodded her head. “I can work on that,” she said confidently, holding out her hand and giving Regina a small smile.

 

Regina took her hand without hesitating, squeezing it between both of hers and holding onto it, her arms resting on her bent legs. She looked down, and Emma’s eyes followed, watching the way Regina’s thumb stroked the outside of her hand thoughtfully.

 

“I come on a little strong. I know it. You know it. It’s who I am,” Regina said quietly, her brow pinching slightly. She lifted her eyes slowly, giving Emma that deep, open look that could pull her in and make her feel like she was in the middle of the ocean, unable to swim but not wanting a life raft because she didn’t mind drowning. Regina’s eyes were honest and vulnerable, and Emma didn’t want to escape that. “I understand that it can be difficult for you, that sometimes my way of showing I care can be too much. I understand. But, Emma - -” she squeezed Emma’s hand, “- - don’t let that scare you away.”

 

Emma squeezed back, feeling Regina’s bones shift beneath her fingers, her skin warm. She liked knowing Regina cared, even when it felt like a lot to take in at once. She wanted that. “I won’t,” she told her, “promise. I won’t.”

 

Regina shook her head. “Don’t make promises you might not keep. I don’t need a promise, just you trying.”

 

“I mean it. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I really like you, Regina,” she said with a laugh, wanting to bring back the light to Regina’s eyes. “Even if I take a step back or something, I’m not going anywhere for good. Sometimes I need breathing room. Sometimes I need time to think. I’m used to space – but I don’t always want it. I think I did a good job convincing myself I did at one point, but...” Emma smiled, soft and slow, hoping Regina could see all the warmth and emotion that was inside Emma’s chest because of her. “I like being with you. Space feels unnecessary. I like the closeness.”

 

The edges of Regina’s eyes crinkled as she told Emma, “So do I,” soft and honest and simple.

 

* * *

 

“Okay. So are you going to show me now?” Regina raised her brow. Emma pointed to the photo album. “You said you had proof to show me. Proof of what?”

 

“Oh.” Regina reached for the book that had been forgotten as they talked and then sat quietly together, Regina’s fingers drawing lines on Emma’s hand while Emma tried not to fall asleep from the soothing repetitive motion. “They’re pictures from when I was around your age. It’s when I was going through my somewhat rebellious stage.”

 

“You make it sound like that was decades ago.”

 

Regina shrugged lightly, turning around so her back was against the sofa and Emma could see the inside of the album when Regina opened it. “It feels like it. I can feel thirty quickly approaching.”

 

Emma chuckled as she shook her head. “You still have a few more years before that happens. You make me feel like a kid whenever you exaggerate your age, you know?”

 

Regina glanced over her shoulder. “Do I? The very first day we met, you made sure to tell me you weren’t a child. You have a terrible attitude sometimes, but I’ve never looked at you as a kid.”

 

“Good. Even when I was a kid, I hated it. I’ve been taking care of myself for years, even before I was living on my own. Kids don’t have to do that.”

 

“They shouldn’t have to, no,” Regina said, looking as though she wanted to say more but only reaching back and brushing her fingers over Emma’s cheek.

 

Emma forced a smile onto her mouth. “Don’t let me make things all sad. Show me the pictures. I’m good.”

 

Regina searched Emma’s eyes before agreeing with a small smile of her own, turning back around. She flipped to the first page of photographs and Emma scooted closer, her chin almost resting on Regina’s shoulder so she could get a better look. The smell of gardenias flirted with her nose and she hummed, pleased. Regina lifted her knees and brought the book closer, glancing at Emma out the corner of her eye.

 

“This was the very beginning of my sophomore year in college.”

 

“Your hair was so long,” Emma said in amazement, surprised to see Regina’s dark locks all the way down to the middle of her back. It was such a different look from the shoulder-length cut she had now that Emma wouldn’t have even noticed she was looking at a picture of Regina if she had only glanced at it. If she didn’t know Regina’s estranged sister was a redhead, she might have believed that to be her.

 

Regina made a noise in her throat and frowned at the picture. “Not for much longer. Cutting my hair was the first thing I did when I decided I needed to claim my identity from my mother once and for all. I hated it.”

 

“Really?”

 

Regina ran her fingers through her hair, twisting the feathery ends between her fingers. “It wasn’t me. It was the me my mother wanted me to be. I wasn’t allowed to cut my hair growing up. It had to be straightened constantly – because she hated the poof and frizz – so I spent more time at a salon than any kid would ever want to. Everything had to be perfect, and my hair was not above her criticism. One day I had had enough of it and, standing right over there - -” she pointed over to where the piano was in its own little space of the room, “- - I took a pair of scissors and chopped halfway through my braid.”

 

Emma’s jaw dropped as Regina laughed a little, flipping the pages forward. “Seriously? Just...” She mimicked the motion of scissors with two of her fingers. “Just like that?”

 

Regina nodded. “Mother was livid,” she said with pride gleaming in her eyes as she turned to look at Emma. “I went much shorter than it is now. I was tired of hearing about how important my hair was, like my hair made me who I am. It’s just hair.”

 

“I wanna see.”

 

Regina turned a couple more pages until she was at a few where her hair was cut really short, not even long enough for a ponytail, the ends curling behind her ears. There were two close-ups of Regina’s face, her makeup dark, eyes bright as they popped, almost honey brown with the light reflecting in them. Then, there were some of Regina with other people, mostly candid shots where that genuine happiness that Emma loved to see on Regina’s face made her stand out in the picture, everybody else fading into the background as she glowed.

 

“So you cut your hair, started wearing leather, and...” She looked closer at one of the pictures, squinting and making a sound of surprise in her throat. “No way. Tell me that’s not you on the motorcycle with that blonde. It can’t be.”

 

Regina smirked devilishly. “What have I told you? There is more to me than meets the eye. Granted, this only lasted for a few months before I hunkered down and focused on my studies. Finding my freedom wasn’t worth letting my grades slip. But for a little while, I was riding on the back of motorcycles, drinking everybody under the table, and was doing it all while looking sensational in leather.”

 

“Who would have guessed there was a little badass inside Regina Mills?” Emma grinned when Regina rolled her eyes at her. “Even seeing picture proof, I can’t believe it. The hair thing? Yeah. I can see you getting fed up after years of dealing with your mom’s bullshit. I can see you taking control of your life and making the choices you wanted to make. In a weird way, I think that’s actually the kind of person she raised you to be – the kind that stands up for what they believe in, goes after what they want, and is in charge. She just didn’t think you would do something that was against her wishes.”

 

Regina nodded silently, looking at the photographs on the next page.

 

“But the rest of it is kind of shocking, unbelievable. You wear three-piece suits, for goodness’ sake. You’re not exactly the kind of woman I picture on the back of a motorcycle.”

 

“Let me guess. You have a specific list of characteristics that people must fit to ride or have an interest in motorcycles.” She tsked as she shook her head, closing the album on her finger to hold her place as she turned so her side was against the sofa instead of her back.

 

Emma slowly pulled herself up a little, sitting in the corner of the sofa with her legs stretched out. “Not a list, no, just an idea of your typical biker or motorcycle enthusiast. You just don’t seem like the type.”

 

“But why? How many times have you been told you don’t fit the criteria for something based on a small fraction of information you’ve given someone? How many times have people told you that you can’t be or do something, tried to tell you who you are and what you’re capable of based entirely on opinions that are their own and backed up with absolutely no factual information whatsoever? How many people label you when you don’t want to be labeled?

 

“You want to go through life without having pre-existing expectations on who you should be, without having your past affect your future, without, without people constantly thinking they know you better than you know yourself. So why do you insist on doing to others what you don’t want to be done to you?”

 

Emma sometimes forgot how passionate Regina could get, how there were topics that made her voice sound full and heavy, like all the emotion put into her tone weighed a ton. Even when she was questioning Emma and clearly saw fault in Emma’s choices, Emma admired her for speaking up when she felt strongly about something. She was opinionated and unafraid to speak her mind, and Emma loved that about her.

 

And she was right. This wasn’t the first time Regina had pointed out to her how quick she was to judge people based on stereotypes, to label other people. It was something Emma recognized she needed to stop, but it was also something she was so used to doing that she didn’t even notice she was doing it half the time.

 

She frowned at herself and huffed out a breath. “I don’t mean to. I hate it when it’s done to me, so I should be more conscious of what I say. You’re right. I think it’s just, you know...?”

 

Regina’s brow raised at the unfinished thought.

 

Emma bit her cheek and gathered her thoughts. She wanted what she said to make sense. “Growing up, the people around us do things, and then we pick up on it and do it as well. If nobody is telling us we shouldn’t do it, then we think it’s okay. You get what I’m saying? I’m so used to automatically judging people based on ideas in my head of what is normal for a specific group because I’ve always done that. It’s what everyone around me did, what everyone still does. We don’t know people, but we see something in them that’s similar to a certain group of people and, I guess to make it easier to categorize them, we stick them with what we think is similar.”

 

“But why do you feel as though you need to categorize people in the first place?”

 

Emma shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t know. Sometimes you need to. Like, good people, bad people, people you need to stay away from.”

 

“Okay,” Regina said with a small nod. “Understandable. However, that’s not the categorizing that I find a problem with.”

 

“Yeah. I know what you mean. It’s like...” Emma ran her fingers through her hair and wetted her lips. “It’s something that I need to unlearn. People are all unique and different, and judging them based on one or two traits is wrong of me. I’m the first one to tell someone not to do it to me because they don’t know me, so I need to learn not to do the same.”

 

“It’s not only judging people without knowing them,” Regina said, stretching her legs out and getting comfortable. “A lot of the time, we as a people tend to have this idea in our head of how things should be.”

 

Emma nodded along. “Like?” she questioned, curious about where Regina’s mind would take them. She enjoyed hearing what Regina thought about different topics, seeing her views on things.

 

“Well.” Regina’s lips pressed tightly together as she took a moment to think, the little line between her eyebrows deepening. “Okay. Relationships. We grow up believing that there are certain steps we should be taking in life, and in the end, it should end with us married with children. You see it all around you. It’s in the media, in your everyday life. We grow up believing the perfect home consists of a mother, a father, and children. It’s set up in a way that this is the ultimate goal, that we should all be aspiring to raise a family. When we reach a certain age and don’t have that, we’re made to feel like something is wrong, like we haven’t done something right in life.

 

“But what about the people who don’t want to get married? What about the people who don’t want children? Or, what about those who want both of those things but with someone who shares their gender?”

 

“People find them abnormal,” Emma said softly.

 

Regina nodded. “Exactly. When your relationship defies what some people have in their mind as law since it’s the only thing they saw growing up and they refuse to acknowledge that not everyone agrees with their ‘norms’, people try to invalidate your relationship.” She let out a heavy breath and shook her head. “It all comes back to us having this idea of how things should be. But, what some people fail to see is that we don’t have to live our lives based on how others lived theirs. There is more than one way.”

 

“The best home I ever had was with a single mom who had taken in three of us and had one of her own. I don’t think she had ever been married before, never had a boyfriend around or anything like that. It was just her and the four of us. She got sick and I ended up in another foster home, but that was the closest thing I had ever had to perfect. She was one of very few foster parents I had that made me feel wanted. Even when I wasn’t the perfect child and I got in trouble at school, she still kept me around. So, the mother and father thing... Not like that even makes a good home, anyway.”

 

“Agreed.” Regina leaned back with her hands behind her, her head tilted to look at Emma. She was doing that thing where she looked into Emma’s eyes like she was searching for something, like she was reading her.

 

Emma licked her lips subconsciously and straightened her back. “What?”

 

“Hmm?” Regina hummed, raising her brow.

 

“You’re staring.”

 

The corner of Regina’s mouth twitched. “I’m looking.”

 

“For a long period of time. That’s staring.”

 

Her lips formed a full smile as she nodded her head. “Okay. I’m staring.”

 

“Why?”

 

“I was thinking.”

 

“About?”

 

Regina shook her hair off her shoulders and looked up at the ceiling, stretching her back, her sweatshirt lifting and exposing a few inches of skin that Emma had never seen, the slight dip of her belly button. Regina fell down on her elbows and turned back to Emma, studying her face. “Asking you if you’d like to stay the night,” she answered after a long pause, her brow raised as her eyes moved back to search Emma’s once more.

 

Emma swallowed. “Here?” she asked dumbly.

 

Regina smirked. “No, next door,” she answered sarcastically before letting her smirk turn into a slowly growing smile. “Yes, here, at the house. It’s late, and I’m not quite ready to say goodnight to you yet.”

 

Emma’s stomach felt fluttery and her throat was tight. She couldn’t find words to say. “Um.” A sudden kick in her stomach made her eyes widen, not expecting the sensation. Her hand moved down to the side of her belly absently, rubbing where the baby was pushing into her. “Regina, I–”

 

“Are they kicking?” Regina asked with excitement in her voice, interrupting Emma as she looked over to where Emma was rubbing her belly.

 

Emma’s brow furrowed, confused for a second. And then Emma felt her own burst of excitement as she realized that, yes, the baby was kicking, and it was finally doing so while she was with Regina. She had been waiting for this to happen since she started feeling them move around inside of her. She felt another jab and reached for Regina’s hand without even asking her if she wanted to feel.

 

“You have to be patient,” she explained as she placed Regina’s hand on her stomach and grinned at the smiling brunette. “They’ll get jumpy and then disappear for a few minutes before they come back. It’s annoying when I’m trying to sleep and I think I finally can because they’re still–”

 

“And then the kicking starts again,” Regina guessed correctly, looking down at their hands spread across Emma’s red shirt.

 

“Yeah.”

 

The sight of their fingers between each other, Regina’s hand beneath her own, made Emma’s heart beat quickly. Seeing them connected was just one of those things that made her feel close to Regina. It was like a visual representation, the two of them coming together, finding a place in each other's life, filling in the empty spaces. She wanted to curl her fingers around Regina’s and keep them there, wanted to remain, to have a place that was all hers. She wanted to hold Regina’s hand the same way she wanted Regina to hold on to her, keep a place for her in her life.

 

Regina’s loud rush of breath broke Emma’s reverie. Her eyes moved up to find Regina’s looking at her already, filled with something bright and warm and amazed. Emma laughed softly, feeling the baby kicking and sliding Regina’s hand closer to the spot she could feel it most.

 

“Is that...” Regina sounded breathless as she trailed off, the most breathtaking Emma had ever seen her, the most beautiful smile on her face as she looked at Emma. “That’s your baby,” she breathed out.

 

Emma nodded, smiling at Regina.

 

“I’ve never...” She looked down at Emma’s belly, shaking her head with a little bit of disbelief.

 

“It’ll get stronger than this, too,” Emma said, remembering what her doctor had told her when she asked about the baby’s movements. “We might even be able to see a foot or elbow later on, maybe.”

 

Regina lit up a little more hearing that. “That’s incredible.” She looked up at Emma, into her eyes, smiling at her. “Thank you for sharing this with me.”

 

“Of course. I’ve been wanting to since I started feeling it. You might not have been able to feel it right away, though. It was less of a kick at first, a lot lighter. But you’ve been, you know...” Emma shrugged a little, biting her lip as she looked away from Regina and down to their hands. “I don’t know how I would be getting through this without you. I was kinda lost for a while before I had you sending me all that helpful stuff. You’re a part of this pregnancy, too. I want to share it with you as much as I can.”

 

Soft fingers caressed her cheek and made her exhale a shaky breath as she turned back to look at Regina. “Thank you,” she said again, her eyes glistening as they danced across Emma’s face.

 

Emma’s heart boomed inside her chest as she nodded wordlessly, feeling overwhelmed with a need that was starting to feel less strange the more she felt it. The need to be close, so very close to Regina, was a strong, powerful one, and she saw no reason why she shouldn’t give in to it.

 

Regina turned her hand around and curled her fingers around Emma’s. “Will you stay?” She slid her fingers away from Emma’s cheek and added, “We can watch something, if you like. I’m not asking for anything more than your company.”

 

Emma let her own fingers tighten around Regina’s hand. “I know,” she said, because Regina had already made it clear to her that there were never expectations for more than what they already had. Regina was happy having her friendship, and Emma was happy having Regina’s. If more were to ever happen, then that was fine, but neither of them would push for it. “And, okay. I’ll stay.”

 


	15. Chapter 15

**April 2006**

 

Emma Swan had once hated routines. She hated following schedules and doing the same thing over and over and over again. It was draining. She would get a bitter taste in her mouth just from saying the word. She liked excitement and experiencing new things, taking risks, waking up in the morning and deciding to go somewhere she’d never been.

 

But when spending her weekends at Regina’s townhouse became part of her routine, she realized there was comfort to be found in them, familiarity. Her routines in the past had sucked, and that was where the problem had been. The monotony had gotten to her because she was stuck doing things she hated doing, stuck repeating the same boring tasks. Routine, however, could be warm and welcoming if you played your cards right, Emma had learned.

 

That first night spent at Regina’s house had been a bit of a shock for Emma. The bed in the guest suite was twice the size of her own, and the bathroom, unlike the one at Emma’s apartment, had a large soaking tub and a separate shower. There was no noise to keep her up, and the stuffy feeling of the basement just wasn’t present in the spacious room. All of Emma’s furniture was mismatched and not even her own, but the guest room was decorated like it was ready for the cover of Better Homes & Gardens. Everything was sleek, polished, and much more extravagant than what Emma was used to.

 

It hadn’t felt like somewhere she should be that first night, and waking up there had felt the same. But it was now her third weekend in a row, and Emma was sitting with the yellow mug with the thick black stripe around the middle that she had been using for the rocky road ice cream she liked to finish her days with when she was at Regina’s place. It felt normal, sitting at the kitchen table, even sitting there alone while Regina took a phone call in another room. There was no wanting to break this routine that she was starting. She liked it.

 

* * *

 

The kitchen door swung open when Emma was nearly finished with her ice cream. She looked up at Regina, spoon in her mouth. She sucked the ice cream from it and licked her cold lips. “All done?”

 

Regina rubbed at her temples and sighed tiredly. “For the night? Yes. Dealing with incompetent fools? I wish. It seems I am destined to spend my life listening to babbling idiots try to talk themselves out of trouble when they mess up and believe, for a reason that is beyond me, that there should be no consequences for their errors.”

 

Emma frowned, watching Regina take down a wine glass and get a bottle of red wine that Emma rarely saw her drink. “Wanna talk about it? I probably won’t know about half the stuff that’s going on, but I’m good at listening.”

 

Regina washed her annoyed face away to smile lightly at Emma as she paused in her search for the corkscrew. “I appreciate that, but no, thanks.” She continued her search, holding the dark green bottle by its long neck. “I’ve worked more than 60 hours this week. I’d rather focus on something else.”

 

Emma got up with her empty mug and walked over to the kitchen drawers and opened the one on the opposite side of the counter, rolling her eyes a little as she easily found what Regina was looking for. “Here,” she said, holding out the corkscrew and grinning when Regina made a surprised but grateful sound in her throat. “I think that’s the first sign that I spend too much time here. I know where stuff is in your house that you can’t even find.”

 

“Nonsense,” she said, turning to the island. A smirk started forming on her mouth. “It’s a sign that you eat too much ice cream. That’s also where I keep the ice cream scoop at.”

 

Emma chuckled quietly and turned to wash her mug and put it to drip dry on the rack. She wiped down the sink and the counters, all part of her nightly routine during the weekends, and then dried her hands on the dish towel. Regina was watching her as she leaned against the island, sipping her wine quietly. Emma raised her brow questioningly, but Regina merely shook her head and brought her wine up to cover the small smile that was starting to appear on her lips.

 

“You know what I was just thinking as I was having my ice cream? You owe me a night out. Well, you owe me a night where I get to take you out.” She pulled her hair free from its ponytail and massaged her fingers against her scalp, sighing a little as she met Regina’s eyes. “Don’t think I’ve forgotten.”

 

Regina nodded, finishing her wine and placing the glass behind her on the island. “Next Saturday. I have a meeting–”

 

“On Saturday?”

 

Regina sighed, somewhat apologetic as she nodded and explained. “On Skype. It’ll be no more than thirty minutes. I’m completely free the rest of the day, and, if you want to, we can go somewhere for dinner and come back here afterward.”

 

“That’s not too much?” she asked, shuffling awkwardly on her feet before leaning against the counter and shoving her hands into the pockets of her loose pants. “I mean, dinner and still coming here for the weekend. You’re not, like, getting tired of having me around, are you?”

 

Regina furrowed her brow as she shook her head. “No, not at all. If anything, I feel as though you’re not around enough. You should come over more. The Thai restaurant I order most of my takeout from might miss me, but I would easily give that up for you.”

 

“Yeah, sure. I can see it now – you bringing piles of work home just so you could have dinner with _me,_ of all people.” Emma laughed, thinking Regina was joking. But when Regina’s eyes narrowed, Emma’s stomach twisted like a phone cord and she swallowed her laughter, her eyes lowering to the floor. She focused on Regina’s bare feet, the apple red nail polish on her toenails.

 

Regina cleared her throat and turned around to face the island, the sound of wine being poured into her glass filling the silence. A moment passed before she said, tiredly: “I shouldn’t have said that.”

 

“No,” Emma said quickly, the knots tightening painfully. “I’m just...” She looked up from the floor, wanting to meet Regina’s eyes but looking at the back of her head instead. Her hair was clipped back, and Emma’s eyes stayed on that black clip as she spoke. “I’m already here two nights a week. That seems like a lot to have me here. I thought– I didn’t think you were being serious.”

 

“Of course I was being serious,” she told Emma with a sigh, swallowing down her wine quickly instead of taking slow sips. She turned to go to the sink and looked at Emma briefly. “One of these days, I hope, you won’t doubt how much I enjoy having you around.” She smiled sadly and then looked towards the stairs. “I think I’m going to head upstairs for a little while.”

 

“But...” Emma frowned. “I thought we were watching a movie?”

 

Putting the wine away so she could leave, Regina sighed again, tired. “I have a headache. I’m going to soak in the tub for a little while, and if I’m feeling better afterward...” she trailed off with a small shrug and hum.

 

“You’re not leaving because of me, are you? I know you hate that, when I get all, you know...”

 

Regina shook her head and gave Emma’s arm a gentle squeeze. “It’s difficult sometimes when I try to show you how important you are to me and you don’t believe me, but I’m also aware that I’m not the first person who has told you that before. I’m aware that those same people were the ones who neglected you, pushed you away, or just made you feel unwanted in the end. Feeling unwanted isn’t something you’re going to be able to get over just because someone tells you they want you. I understand that. So, no, I’m not leaving because of that. I really do have a terrible headache, and that phone call–”

 

“Okay,” Emma said, cutting Regina off before she even finished. “Go upstairs and take a bath. You should have had something for the headache instead of wine, but...”

 

“I know,” Regina said with a small roll of her eyes. “I’ll take some Tylenol in a few hours if I still need it.”

 

Emma smiled lightly and pushed Regina towards the stairs. “I’ll be up to check on you, okay?”

 

“Completely unnecessary, Emma.”

 

“Shh. I’ll be up there later. Maybe we can watch the movie upstairs if you’re up to it. If not, we can just talk.”

 

Regina paused and looked over her shoulder, a soft look in her eyes as they met Emma’s. She didn’t say anything, but Emma didn’t think she needed to. Sometimes the way Regina looked at her was enough, everything she was feeling in her heart clearly on display in her warm eyes. Emma returned her smile and then watched her slowly ascend the stairs, not leaving the spot until she could no longer see Regina.

 

* * *

 

Emma wasn’t sure what to do with herself after Regina left her. Even if she had decided to pick out one of the comedy films they had picked up and watch it on her own, she didn’t feel like spending her night laughing in front of the television by herself. Emma didn’t want to be alone. When Regina had invited her to come back for another weekend, it was so they could wind down after the workweek together. Emma had used it as motivation to get through the paperwork she loathed, reminding herself that the faster she finished, the sooner she could see Regina. She had been looking forward to being at the townhouse, to spending time with the woman who made the rest of the world disappear for Emma.

 

She sighed to herself, walking around the living room aimlessly, chewing on her thumbnail while her second arm wrapped around her middle. The lights were off and the room was a soft gray, but she already knew where everything was well enough to move around without stubbing her toe if she was careful – a feat when she walked into a crate two nights ago in her apartment when she arrived home and the electricity wasn’t working.

 

Regina’s living room had seen many laughs between her and the brunette, many debates and arguments that never caused any true friction between them. That was the kind of night Emma had expected they would be having. She was prepared for a night that was unpredictable, where they talked and laughed, even if there was a chance that their discussion led to a disagreement. They did that often, disagreed about small things, sometimes big things, but Emma liked the back and forth, liked how they were both willing to view the other person’s view. She didn’t really care what they did; she just wanted to be with Regina. Being alone in the living room when Regina was upstairs felt even more lonely than her time spent at her own place, and that was the complete opposite effect she should be receiving from being at Regina’s house.

 

She damned Regina’s headache and then felt ridiculous for how co-dependent she was being. She could entertain herself until Regina was done with her bath. She could find something more to do than counting her footsteps as she walked back and forth. The truth was, however, she just wanted to be with Regina, even if that made her needy and clingy. So, she sighed and let the time pass until she could go check to see how Regina was feeling.

 

* * *

 

Emma found herself outside Regina’s bedroom door not too much later in the night, her thumbnail chewed down to the skin from all her thinking. She wrapped her fingers around it and squeezed down tightly, putting pressure where it now hurt. She used that same fist to knock on the white door.

 

“Regina?” Emma called out, listening for movement. She heard none.

 

She leaned against the doorjamb and waited, her eyes scanning the open space in front of Regina’s bedroom door. She had only been up to the third floor the night she came to the townhouse for the first time, but she hadn’t really looked around then. She hadn’t noticed that there was framed work on the walls, black and white prints of horses. She had noticed the artwork when going up and down the stairs, but not these.

 

Emma had learned that Regina had fallen in love with horses during one of her trips with her father. She hadn’t seen much beyond the grounds of the ranch they had stayed on because she’d spent all her time learning all she could about the majestic beasts. While the prints on the wall were probably something Regina had purchased herself when she renovated, Emma knew that a lot of the figurines had been gifts Regina’s father had given her, little reminders. They were reminders of a happy time in her life when he gave them to her, but now they were also a reminder of him.

 

Emma smiled a little as she turned back to the door she was leaning beside. She brought her hand up to knock again but let it fall down to her side instead. She had thought she had waited long enough downstairs for Regina to have a relaxing bath without her interruption. She was unsure how long it had actually been, but it felt as though she’d been downstairs by herself for an eternity. Normally, she didn’t mind the solitude. She had years of being by herself. When Regina was just upstairs and she wanted to be pulled in by the aura of warmth that usually surrounded the older woman, it would seem, solitude just wouldn’t work. Perhaps, wanting to be with Regina as badly as she did had made it feel as though more time had passed than what truly had.  

 

There was a long stretch of silence, and Emma decided not to knock again. She considered going downstairs to the guest room for a little while and coming back, allowing Regina more time to enjoy her bath. But, just as she was about to turn away, she heard the sound of Regina on the opposite side of the door. It opened to reveal Regina, Regina who was wrapped up in a thick towel and nothing else. Moving away suddenly became the last thing on her mind as her eyes swept over the woman before her and her throat went dry.

 

There were water droplets clinging to her smooth skin, a drop rolling down her lean neck and sliding down to the hollow at the base to find its new home. Another drop was slowly making its way down from Regina’s clavicle, leaving a wet trail behind as Emma watched it move towards the dark blue towel that would soak it up. She ran her eyes over Regina, from the soft, intrigued expression on her face, over the towel that stopped high on Regina’s lean thighs, to the slightly pale feet against the white carpet that looked soft but far too easy to dirty. Emma felt a small burst of warmth in her belly and pulled her bottom lip into her mouth, eyes moving up to Regina’s thighs and lingering for a moment too long to hide that she was doing so.

 

Regina made an amused sound in her throat and shifted her weight from one foot to the other, her leg bending ever-so-slightly, slipping through the towel and revealing more perfect skin. “Would you like to come inside, Emma?”

 

Heat prickled her neck in response to the low timbre of Regina’s voice. She reached back to rub it, forcing her eyes away from Regina’s shapely thighs and to the woman’s face, trying to fight the flush that she could feel rushing up from her chest as Regina smirked at her. Even as she stood there, presumably covered in only a towel, she was full of confidence and was probably aware of exactly how attractive she looked. And Emma, Emma liked that about her – even if it was making her feel a little dizzy, both how beautiful, sexy even, Regina was and how conscious the brunette was of it.

 

Clearing her throat, Emma pushed herself off the doorjamb and stepped back. Regina was leaning casually against the door, watching her with a faint smile. Emma reached up and brushed loose strands behind her ear and bit her cheek, looking past Regina and into the woman’s bedroom. “You were still in the bath, weren’t you?” she asked, unable to see the bathroom doors from where she stood. The room wasn’t lit by the main light, though. It was quiet and still. “I didn’t–”

 

“I was just about to get out,” Regina responded easily, brushing off whatever half-apology was about to leave Emma’s mouth. “It was getting lonely in there.”

 

Emma’s eyes flicked over to Regina. Had she been missing Emma like Emma missed her? “Yeah, well, it was boring downstairs,” she admitted, “so I wasn’t any less lonely than you were.”

 

Regina smiled, something wicked in her eyes as she reached forward and ran her hand down Emma’s arm, making goosebumps rush to appear. “Next time you’ll have to join me.”

 

Emma spluttered – she tried not to, but it happened regardless. “W-what?”

 

Regina laughed, the corners of her eyes crinkling. She shook her head, that playful twinkle she got in her eyes when she was in a good mood sparkling in the rich brown. “Come inside, Emma,” she said, smiling and stepping back.

 

She felt fluttery and warm, but she figured she should be used to feeling that way around Regina. It wasn’t as though it was anything new. She let out a slow breath and looked into Regina’s bedroom, unable to make her feet move until she noticed the flicker of amusement in Regina’s eyes as she waited. She pushed herself forward and kept her hands to herself for once, her usual desire to touch and explore not present when she was worried about knocking something fragile over and making a mess. Everything was neat and had a proper place, organized.

 

The curtains at the bay window were closed, but there was a lamp on that gave that corner of the room a golden light. There was a loveseat and an armchair in the large room, soft white lilies in a deep purple vase on the round table. Emma quickly scanned the room as she stood in the middle of it. There were creams and purples and a lightness to the bedroom, the kind of room that looked like it was meant to be relaxing, inviting. Emma felt that, like Regina was inviting her into her space and welcoming her to stay for a while.

 

Leaving Emma where she stood, Regina slipped away into the bathroom without saying a word, the sound of the tub draining soon replacing the silence. Emma looked over to the double doors that hid most of the bathroom from her view, one of the doors left open just enough to let some of the bathroom light spill out into the bedroom. She found herself staring into the small gap between the doors and forced her eyes away, biting her cheek as she looked down at the floor instead.

 

“You can sit down, Emma,” Regina said, her voice drawing Emma’s attention back to the door almost immediately. She was peeking out of the bathroom, holding her towel to her chest. “I’ll be out in a few minutes. Make yourself comfortable.”

 

“Are you sure? I didn’t mean to–”

 

Regina rolled her eyes a little, a smile starting to pull at the corners of her mouth. “Sit down, Emma,” she told her sternly, using that tone she used when she wouldn’t take no for an answer. “Put on some music, turn on the television, whatever you like. Go on.”

 

Emma glanced around the room again and made her way to the lounging area, the carpet soft beneath her feet. She was just going to have a seat and wait for Regina to finish in the bathroom, but the record player that resided on a shelf surrounded by hanging showcase boxes that were artistically placed on the wall to appear as though they were floating caught her eye. The ten square boxes, white wood that was smooth beneath her careful finger, held vinyl records, some of which looked as though they were pulled out of their covers frequently, the paper old and worn. She had believed Regina’s CD collection to be impressive, but this was truly a collection, hundreds of records, one display unit full of records that hadn’t even been opened before.

 

She didn’t touch the ones that looked like they were being preserved. It was the covers with the rips and faded color that she was drawn to. She pulled them out, one at a time, looking at the covers, reading them, always eager to find out more about Regina and knowing that sometimes it was small things like what music someone listened to that revealed the most. She was so caught up in her little discovery that she hadn’t heard Regina come out of the bathroom, hadn’t known she was near until she could smell the light but encompassing scent of gardenias that Emma loved so much on Regina’s skin. She didn’t startle, but she did pause with a record halfway out of the display, not turning to look behind her but sighing when Regina’s hand slid down her arm.

 

“Most of them belonged to my father,” Regina told her, her hand covering Emma’s and pushing the vinyl record back into its place. She was so close to Emma’s back that her breath tickled the blonde’s neck. “But,” she said, moving Emma’s hand over to an entirely different floating box, “these over here are some of my favorite.”

 

Emma turned then, looking over her shoulder. “How’d you know I...?”

 

Regina smiled a little and let go of Emma’s hand, gave her arm a squeeze. “You’re searching, not browsing. I figured you were going through the ones that looked as though they might be my favorites based on the condition of the covers.”

 

“You’re too observant,” Emma said with a tiny, good-natured eye roll, turning back to the records.

 

“Perhaps I enjoy observing you,” Regina whispered into her ear.

 

Emma’s eyes closed briefly. She shivered and licked her lips. She didn’t respond, couldn’t form any words as a rush of heat flooded her body and the only thing she could smell was the intoxicating scent of gardenias. Instead of responding, Emma decided to pick out one of the records so she could focus on something other than the way Regina made her belly swoop more than was probably healthy.

 

“Come sit with me once you’ve decided,” Regina instructed, and Emma nodded, listening to Regina move away from her.

 

Sticking with her earlier method, the record she chose was one whose cover was worn at the edges, white where it should have been black. Emma had never cared much for jazz music herself, but Regina had a lot of it. She figured she couldn't go wrong with her choice, _Duke Ellington & John Coltrane _, especially with Regina pointing out the selection she chose from. She put the vinyl in place on the record player, carefully lowered the needle down, and then she turned to face Regina.

 

“Good?” she asked as the music started to fill the dimly lit bedroom.

 

 _“In a Sentimental Mood.”_ A pleased expression took over Regina’s relaxed face, her head nodding slowly as she moved the throw pillow from beside her on the loveseat and patted the space beside her. “Lovely choice.”

 

Emma moved closer, looking down at the spot beside Regina. The brunette was dressed for bed in silky material, a nightgown that fell down to the middle of her thighs, the very thighs Emma had been staring at in the hallway. With the low light on her skin, she almost shimmered like gold, and Emma wondered if Regina had purposely chosen her nightwear because of Emma. It wouldn’t be the first time she had done something like that. As Regina had said to her before, she knew that Emma liked to look at her, and if the way Regina smirked when she slowly crossed her legs while looking up at Emma was meant to be a clue, she enjoyed having Emma’s eyes on her.

 

She bit the inside of her cheek, her fingers flexing at her sides as she wondered if Regina’s skin was as smooth as it looked, as warm. She felt a sudden urge to be close to her, to be near her, pressed to Regina’s body, but she wasn’t sure the invitation to sit by her meant that was okay. It was what she wanted, but would Regina want it as well? Snuggling and listening to jazz music was more romantic than anything they had ever done, intimate and close. Could they have that for the night?

 

She shook her questions away and cleared her throat. “How’s your head?” Emma asked, still not moving completely over to the seat.

 

Regina waved a dismissive hand in front of her and then draped her arm across the back of the loveseat. “It’s only a mild headache. A quiet night should be enough to make it disappear.”

 

“Good. Good.”

 

Regina raised an eyebrow, an amused look on her face. “Are you okay, Emma?”

 

“Yeah, of course.” Her eyes betrayed her, however, her gaze lowering to the space beside Regina that the other woman had left empty for her.

 

“Oh,” she said slowly. “There’s a separate chair if you’d be more comfortable sit–”

 

“No,” Emma quickly interrupted, cutting her off before she could finish her thought. She didn’t want Regina to think she didn’t want to sit beside her, especially when it was the exact opposite of the truth. “I wanna, um...” She licked her lips and brushed her hand over the curve of her belly, trying to soothe the fluttering.

 

“What would you like?” she asked, and something about the way she looked at Emma, how low her voice was, made it sound like she would gladly give Emma whatever she wanted. She motioned for Emma to come over to her with two fingers. “Whatever it is...”

 

Emma’s nerves settled and she finally crossed the short distance, taking Regina’s hand when it was held out for her. It was as though Regina could read her mind, Emma thought, being guided to sit against Regina as the brunette adjusted to allow Emma the room to sit comfortably. Silently, she requested to lay her head on Regina’s shoulder, looking up with the question in her eyes. Regina gently brought her down to it, fingers stroking the side of her head and then her cheek, Regina smiling as she sighed contently.

 

“Is that what you wanted?” Regina asked once they were settled.

 

Emma felt a warm sensation flood her body and nodded. “Yes. Thank you,” she whispered, reaching over herself with her left hand so she could take Regina’s into her own and rest it atop her stomach. They baby wasn’t kicking at the moment, but she enjoyed the feeling of Regina’s hand against her.

 

Regina hummed and stroked the side of Emma’s hand with her thumb. She didn’t say anything, but, not for the first time, Emma decided that nothing needed to be said for her to understand what Regina was feeling. She was relaxed and comfortable, holding Emma close and quietly enjoying the music that played in the background. She was content, just as Emma was, and it was that feeling that Emma knew they both looked forward to all week.

  
This, she hoped, would become a part of her routine as well – just sitting with Regina, listening to music, feeling wonderfully safe. 


	16. Chapter 16

**May 2006**

 

It had taken a lot longer than Emma had wanted, but the night that she got to take Regina out for dinner had finally arrived. She had been looking forward to their night out for almost two months, but she hadn’t realized exactly how much until she was nervously talking to herself in the fitting room mirror three hours before she was to meet Regina. Even the baby felt excited, moving about while the butterflies flapped their wings around them.

 

“It’s going to go great,” she mumbled under her breath, optimism and hope sounding so foreign on her tongue that there was no way her reflection was buying any of the stuff she was saying. “You’ve got this. You know what she likes. Stop doubting yourself.”

 

She rolled her eyes and smoothed her hands down the soft woven fabric of the dress, turning to the side and pulling a face. She looked huge. Slimming effect her ass, she thought, and then laughed a little under her breath as she turned and looked over her shoulder, lifting the dress and looking at how wide her hips looked in her tights, how much weight had gone straight to her butt. At least the dress hid that.

 

She just needed one outfit, something she could justify buying herself by also wearing it to work. It wasn’t like she didn’t actually need clothes that her growing belly would fit under comfortably. She had been looking around thrift shops and clearance racks for the past few weeks. It was just that she didn’t need anything as nice as what she wanted to wear tonight. She wanted to look beautiful. She enjoyed the way Regina looked at her when she put on something other than her normal jeans and plaid button down, wanted that appreciative gaze on her. She didn’t need anything like what this shop sold for work, but, if she could find something that worked for the dinner and work, something she actually liked, she was going to get it.

 

The sales associate had given her three different dresses to try on, all which she could continue to wear and use for nursing once the baby was born. One had snaps from her shoulder to the chest, but she kept imagining accidentally pulling too hard on the dress and exposing her boob to some stranger. The second two had buttons, one of them making her feel like she was going to a funeral instead of out for a fun night. The last one, the one she was wearing, had, as the helpful – but far too nosey – sales associate had told her, an elasticated empire waist that would work well with her growing belly while also emphasizing her slim waist. It was cute on her, albeit rather girly due to all the flowers she thought it could do without.

 

She turned back around and looked at her reflection and shook her head. She looked nice, but It wasn’t the right outfit.

 

* * *

 

Emma fell down on her bed with a heavy thump when she got back to her apartment, shopping bag falling down to the floor as she let out an exhausted puff. She had approximately two hours left to get ready, but Emma was feeling like she should use that time to nap instead. She yawned largely behind her hand and then started unbuttoning her shirt, hoping that she could motivate herself to get up if she started undressing.

 

She pulled down the band from her jeans that went over her belly and sighed, rubbing her warm stomach and letting her eyes fall shut. It was exactly the opposite of what she needed to do, but she reasoned that, if she could keep her mind occupied, she could keep herself from falling asleep so she could enjoy getting to rest for a few minutes. It had been a busy day for her with all the looking around shops and finding something to wear, and if she was going to properly enjoy her night out with Regina, she needed to _not_ feel achy and drained before she even arrived at the restaurant.

 

She kicked her ankle boots off and wiggled her toes in her socks before bringing her feet up onto the bed. She was going to have to switch to the flats she was given when she got her interview attire. They weren’t her usual style, not as versatile as either pair of boots she owned, but her ankles were a little swollen and sore, and she really needed to give them some type of break. After all the dresses and pants and top combos she’d tried on, she was hoping the shoes wouldn’t even be noticed.

 

Emma bit her lip and stopped herself from squealing and grinning like a lovesick idiot. It was like she was about to go on her first date – except it wasn’t a date; it was just dinner, dinner with a woman who made her feel like her heart could do backflips and somersaults. As if thinking about it happening was a signal for the flips to start, she felt her heart showing off its crazy gymnastics skills. If this was her body’s reaction to thinking about Regina, she wasn’t sure she would be able to handle actually seeing and being with her.

 

Usually, the attraction between Emma and Regina was little more than an afterthought, no more than something that was in the background. Emma enjoyed their late night conversations when she was at the townhouse, getting to hear about Regina’s day when they spoke on the phone. When she caught herself thinking about Regina in the middle of the day, she was usually thinking about small things like the movie they had last watched together.

 

But then there were the times when her heart would race when Regina smiled at her, times when the slightest of touches made her forget how to breathe properly. Sometimes she had an overwhelming need to pull Regina to her and wrap her arms around her, bury her nose in the crook of her neck and breathe in the fresh scent of gardenias that was almost always present. There were times when Regina flirted with her and Emma flirted back, and in those moments excitement prickled her skin and heated her belly.

 

It was a very small part of what they were, but it was still very much a part of them. Days like this one, when Emma just wanted to look good for Regina, wanted to be found attractive by the other woman, days when she wanted to make Regina speechless, she was reminded that their mutual attraction didn’t have to remain dormant.

 

* * *

 

Emma walked down the block the restaurant was on with her hands in the pockets of her denim jacket. It no longer buttoned because of the swell of her belly, but the first weekend of May had gifted New York with the perfect weather for her outfit. She had traded her usual jeans in for a pair of black stockings, and she felt warm enough without the extra layer of a sweatshirt or hoodie to go with her jacket.

 

Emma was trying to get rid of all her nervousness before she reached the Italian restaurant in the middle of the block. It was time to be confident, to walk in with her head held high, shoulders rolled back, and know that she looked incredible and they were going to have an amazing night together. Of course, saying it was time for her confidence to make its appearance didn’t make it actually show up. Instead, Emma took Regina’s advice about faking it until she made it and managed to at least shake off some of her nerves as she stopped in front of the building beside the restaurant's entrance.

 

She pulled her bag from her back and removed her jacket, both of which took away attention from her dress. She unzipped her bag and stuffed the jacket in it, and then she put the bag between her legs so she could straighten out the dress. She had finally found the perfect one after going through way too many choices. It was red and gray plaid with a similar waist to the elasticated one she had tried on and considered sticking with, a slight shimmer to it when she was in the light. It draped over her belly but clung to her chest, had a neckline that scooped, and there were even pockets. It was the most Emma dress she had seen, and not having to give up her beloved plaid had practically made the decision for her.

 

She fixed her silver necklace around her neck, the simple star pendant that fell down to her chest matching the earrings in her ears. She looked for a reflective surface and ended up moving towards a parked car to check her hair. She smoothed her hands over her tight ponytail and twisted the ends between her fingers, smiling at herself and then deciding she should probably add a little gloss to her lips. She’d gone with a mulberry tint that added both a lasting color and a nice glossy look, and when she rubbed her lips together, she could taste a slight sweetness.

 

Satisfied, Emma carried her bag by the arm straps and followed the ramp that led up to the front door of the restaurant. She took in a final deep breath before she opened the door and stepped inside. She was prepared for the anxious feeling to stay throughout the night, but the warm, cozy feeling of the restaurant made her relax easily. It wasn’t intimidating or so obviously out of her price range that she felt like turning around and running out. It was homey and comfortable, a line of tables with bench seating on one side and wood chairs on the other, a bar across from it. It was a dimly lit room with soft laughter and cheerful noises spilling out as soon as the door was opened.

 

Her eyes swept down the row of casually dressed diners until she spotted Regina towards the end of the bar, her head lowered and facing away from the entrance. Her heart lurched inside her chest as if it could reach her, and Emma brought her free hand up to cover it, mentally telling herself to calm down. The last thing she needed was to get too excited when she was about to walk past all those people. That was how things like tripping over her own feet happened, and that was _not_ the kind of entrance she wanted to make.

 

She started to walk over to Regina when she was stopped by a voice asking her, “How many are in your party?”

 

“Oh,” Emma said, turning around to face the host that was looking at her with his eyebrow raised. “Two. We have a reservation, and she’s - -” Emma pointed over to the bar, “- - already here.”

 

He squinted as he followed the direction of her finger.

 

“It’s under Swan,” she continued.

 

“Perfect,” he said, smiling a welcoming grin at her. “Your table should be ready shortly. In the meantime, you can join her at the bar if you like.”

 

Emma threw a ‘thanks’ over her shoulder, too eager to get to Regina to stay there for another second. It was crazy to think she had just seen Regina before she began her last-minute search for something to wear. Everything inside of her felt so out of control – but she would be lying to herself if she said Regina didn’t make her feel that way often.

 

Regina’s elbow was leaning against the bar, her legs crossed towards it as she faced the rear of the restaurant, her Blackberry, as always, in her hand. Emma smiled at the predictability and sidled up between Regina’s bar seat and the one next to her, ignoring the sudden desire to brush her fingers through Regina’s slightly tousled hair. Instead, Emma leaned in close to the brunette’s ear, not too close, just close enough so she could hear her whisper when she spoke to her. Regina could be jumpy at times, and she didn’t want to frighten her. That would not be a good start to their night.

 

“Do you come here often?” she asked in her low voice, trying not to laugh at how ridiculous the line was. She’d been so nervous about what to say or do that she had decided to just go with the most overused line she knew.

 

It earned her one of those caught-in-throat laughs as Regina turned her head slightly, her cheek brushing against Emma’s nose. “Not at all, but I heard you might be here and decided to give this place a try tonight.”

 

Completely unexpecting the response, Emma felt herself lightly blushing and grinning too wide for her face. Regina finished turning her seat around, smiling at Emma as she tucked her phone away in her leather purse with the gold chain strap.

 

“You were supposed to say something about my unoriginality or something like that. Jesus. You made me all...” She gestured with her hand as she trailed off, spinning her fingers around like a tornado.

 

Regina’s lips looked like the color of soft pink rose petals, and they moved into a proud smirk as their owner ran her hand over Emma’s upper arm and gave it a small squeeze. “I do quite enjoy making you - -” she copied Emma’s hand gesture, her eyes sparkling with mirth, “- - from time to time. You’re lovely when you’re blushing.”

 

Emma’s stomach flipped, dipped, and then the butterflies went absolutely wild inside her. “Regina,” Emma half-hissed, half-breathed out with what felt like the last of her breath. She bit the corner of her lip to control her smile, but the way Regina looked at her, happy and free and smiling so beautifully, made it nearly impossible not to smile back with her biggest smile.

 

“I’m finished,” Regina said, still smiling as she leaned her arm on the bar and her head against one of her hands, not hiding that she was running her eyes over what she could see of Emma. She hummed low in her throat and licked her lips. “The dress fits you very nicely,” she said, eyes still not on Emma’s face. She reached out and took Emma’s necklace between her fingers and let her knuckles graze Emma’s skin, causing a shiver that her smirk suggested hadn’t been an accident. “Beautiful.” Her eyes finally flicked up to meet Emma’s, sincere and warm and soft. “You look beautiful.”

 

And it had been the reaction she’d been hoping for, that look in Regina’s eyes that made her pulse quicken and her skin buzz as it warmed. But once the words were out there, Emma felt like she didn’t know what to do with them, didn’t know how to respond. Words felt too heavy, her smile not enough – but Regina seemed satisfied with just that, looking into Emma’s eyes as her lips curved into yet another uncontrollable smile.

 

* * *

 

They had been seated at a table between two couples. The pair to her left were an older couple who kept giving Emma and Regina disapproving looks whenever Emma laughed too loudly or cursed at the table. The couple in their twenties were too absorbed in each other to even notice anyone was around them, it appeared, their hands tangled together on the table as they spoke in hushed whispers.

 

Emma caught herself staring at them, making little observations about the way they looked at each other, touched, laughed like the other had just told them the funniest joke they had heard. It made her wonder about something she thought she was past questioning. Her eyes left them and moved to Regina, Emma’s lips twisting together as she watched Regina eat her chicken milanese.

 

She took delicate bites, neatly topped her speared chicken with arugula and then carefully placed it into her mouth. Emma had never seen someone so precise about the way they ate, so _proper_ in their mannerisms until she met Regina. And even though she sometimes wanted to tell Regina to just take a bite, to just eat without thought, that nobody was going to say anything if she got a little sauce at the corner of her mouth or something like that, it was one of those small quirks that endeared her to Emma.

 

Regina raised her eyes from her plate, and then her eyebrow towards her hairline. But Emma just smiled as she looked away and continued eating her pasta, feeling Regina’s eyes still on her but not bothered by the searching look she was probably receiving. There wasn’t much left for Regina to find that she hadn’t already, Emma reasoned, and Regina still hadn’t gone running in the opposite direction from what she already knew about Emma. So Emma was all right with Regina looking at her – _seeing_ her.

 

Emma was doing the same thing when she looked back up, thinking about how remarkable the woman in front of her was and wondering how _she_ had ended up being the person Regina wanted to spend her time with.

 

* * *

 

“What?” Regina asked curiously as Emma started laughing out of nowhere.

 

Emma shook her head, reaching for her water. “I was just thinking about how horribly things could have gone if I’d chosen another line for when I got here.” Regina gave her a questioning look, so Emma held up her finger as she took several swallows of the refreshing water. She licked her lips and sat up a little, resting her arms on the table as she leaned forward. “I practically have an endless list of terrible pickup lines in my head – and I mean it when I say terrible. I don’t know if these things ever work for anybody, but I’d probably punch someone in the face if they tried some of them on me.”

 

“I’m intrigued,” Regina said, pushing her mostly eaten food forward so she could also lean on the table. “Go on.”

 

Emma’s eyes widened almost comically. “You want to hear them?” she spluttered.

 

“Clearly.” When Emma continued to silently stare at Regina, she laughed a little in her throat. “You’ve already got me to go to dinner with you, and I’m taking you home with me. What do you have to lose, Emma?”

 

Emma shook her head as Regina smirked at her, trying to ignore the heat that tickled the back of her neck in response to Regina’s lowered voice. “Okay,” she said more to herself, searching for something simple to start with. “Well, I’m sure you’ve heard most of these. Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by again? Um. How was heaven when you left it? I don’t have a library card, but can I check you out?” She chewed on her cheek for a moment. “I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I have yours?”

 

Regina hummed. “You aren’t even making eye contact. How do you expect these to work if you won’t even look at me?”

 

Emma drank some more of her water and cleared her throat. “Some of these are... Well, some are kind of objectifying. I can’t _look_ at you and say them.”

 

Regina smiled softly at Emma. “I am giving you permission to say them _and_ look at me,” she said, smile growing when Emma rolled her eyes a little. “I know they aren’t your own thoughts. Please, continue. Don’t hold back.”

 

Emma tapped her fingers against the table as she searched for some more. “Oh. Here’s one.” She licked her lips and could already feel heat flushing her neck and cheeks before she’d even said it. “It’s something like, um... Did you sit in a pile of sugar? ‘Cause you have a pretty sweet ass.”

 

Regina ducked her head as she laughed, covering her mouth.

 

Emma’s heartbeat sped up at the faint sound of the quiet laughter. “Are you fruit? Because honeydew you look fine tonight.” Emma nibbled on her lip as she watched Regina. “Are you a campfire? ‘Cause you are hot and I want s’more.”

 

“You’re right, these are terrible,” she said, her smile bright and wide.

 

Emma shrugged, grinning. “I warned you.”

 

Regina took a sip of her water and nodded. “You did.”

 

Emma picked up some of her penne with the fork, but before she could bring the pasta to her mouth, another line popped into her head. “I was feeling off today,” Emma said seriously, looking up at Regina. When she knew she had all of Regina’s attention, she finished the line. “But you have definitely turned me on,” she said, unable to contain her laughter as Regina’s concern morphed into an unimpressed look. “Come on. That one was funny.”

 

Regina merely hummed and continued to silently look at Emma.

 

Emma ate the pasta and then drank some water before wiping her mouth. “Okay. Here’s one. Out of all the beautiful curves on your body, your smile is my favorite one,” she said, pulling her lip into her mouth as she finished.

 

Regina raised her eyebrow like she was about to say something, but a slow smile formed on her lips instead, genuine and beautiful, and she said nothing at all.

 

“Nailed it,” Emma whispered under breath, and Regina rolled her eyes, but her smile didn’t fade.

 

* * *

 

The rest of dinner went by far too quickly, Emma thought, but she reminded herself that she was going back to the townhouse with Regina and not home alone. The night wasn’t over just because dinner was. She paid the bill, feeling quite happy to be able to do so, to be able to treat Regina to a nice meal. And then, after everything was settled, they decided to walk and enjoy the spring air for a little while.

 

As Regina was starting to walk away from the table, Emma called out for her to stop. “Wait. Aren’t you forgetting something?”

 

Regina pulled her purse higher on her shoulder, hand wrapped around the chain as she scanned the table. “What?” she questioned, confused.

 

A big grin stretched across Emma’s face as she said, “Me!”

 

Regina shook her head, chuckling with fondness in her eyes. “What have I started? Come on, Emma. Let’s go.”

 

Emma was right behind her, following her out of the restaurant and onto the quiet street. There were a few people hanging outside of their apartment buildings, but not many. Emma pulled her bag onto her back and stuffed her hands into her jean jacket and nodded her head to the right, the direction she had come from earlier in the night.

 

“That bag isn’t too heavy on you?” Regina asked, concerned as she eyed Emma after a few silent moments of walking.

 

Emma’s shoulders bounced slightly. “No. My back hurts with or without it, and I need the stuff in it.” Regina continued looking at her, so Emma turned to meet her gaze. “It’s fine, really.”

 

Regina looked unconvinced. She held out her hand and motioned with her fingers. “Let me see it.”

 

Emma’s eyebrows scrunched up. “Why?” Regina motioned with her fingers again, not answering. Emma knew she was used to people just following her orders at work, but Emma wasn’t one of her subordinates. “Why?” she asked again, a secure hold on the straps.

 

Regina huffed out a breath. “I’d like to see how heavy it is.”

 

Emma stopped walking and gave Regina a cautious look before removing the bag, holding the black bookbag out. “I don’t normally let people touch my bag,” Emma said as Regina took it and handed Emma her purse.

 

Regina paused, searching Emma’s eyes before nodding in understanding and slipping it onto her back. “It’s where you keep all your important belongings. I know,” she said, pulling the collar of her fitted jacket so it was fixed properly. “I won’t let anything happen to it.”

 

“You’re planning on–”

 

“As long as you don’t mind,” Regina said, zipping up her the jacket that she had worn all night over a low-cut blouse that was tucked into her figure-hugging black jeans. Emma’s ten-year-old Jansport looked out of place on her, but the understanding of how big a deal it was for Emma to let Regina take her bag made Emma nod her head.

 

“Okay,” she said simply, shouldering Regina’s small, light purse that she probably could not afford to replace if anything happened to it.

 

They continued down the block, the backs of their knuckles bumping into each other as their hands brushed. Emma looked down and watched, smiling to herself. She stretched out one of her fingers and hooked it around one of Regina’s and curled around it, flicking her eyes up as she grinned.

 

“I have one for you,” Regina said, rubbing her lips together, stretching her thumb out to stroke the back of Emma’s hand. Emma’s brow raised. “Your hand looks heavy,” she said like she couldn’t believe she was actually saying it. But then her voice lowered a little as she continued with, “You should let me hold it for you.”

  
Emma laughed. “Terrible,” she said, sliding her fingers between Regina's, “but it works.”


	17. Chapter 17

**May 2006**

 

The problem with things going well in Emma’s life was that she was always waiting for the moment someone either came and took it all away from her, like she was used to happening from her time constantly being moved from foster home to foster home, or she woke up and discovered it had all been a dream – which had happened before. In her experience, good things didn’t last very long. The good either ran out or it was snatched away, and Emma just wanted to know how she would lose everything that was making her life feel so perfect lately so she could prepare.

 

There were too many things she risked losing that she didn’t even know which she needed to worry about first. For the first time in her life, she actually felt like everything was going right. That had never happened to her, and the only downside to this was that she had no idea what she would lose first. She didn’t know what she needed to teach herself not to need anymore so it didn’t hurt when she couldn’t have it.

 

When she was younger, it had been families – and a dog at one home. When she was seventeen, it had been food from the restaurant where she had made a friend, a friend who would sneak out meals that were sent back to the kitchen because the diner was unhappy with it, food that was supposed to be thrown away. It had been Neal in the beginning of the year, although that one had been less expected. But now, she didn’t know if it was Regina, her job, the co-workers she laughed with occasionally, or maybe even her apartment that she would have to let go of.

 

She didn’t want to lose any of it, though. Emma had actually started to enjoy life, and she didn’t want to give that up.

 

* * *

 

She had managed to get so lost in her thoughts on her way home that she completely missed her stop on the train and had to get off, go up and down the stairs, and then turn back around. If she wasn’t worrying about how things were going to mess up for her, she was thinking about the baby and everything that needed to happen before her due date in just under three months. Things like her missing her stop had been happening far too often. She constantly found herself zoning out and forgetting things, and even Emma was getting annoyed with herself.

 

She sighed quietly and looked out the train window as it reached her stop. She couldn’t force herself to get up from her seat and go to her lonely basement apartment, though. It had been such a beautiful day out – she had even gone for a short walk during her lunch break – and she didn’t want to end it in her little shoebox apartment that didn’t even have windows for her to look out of. She didn’t want to be alone.

 

The doors opened and closed without Emma exiting the train, and just like that, Emma had decided that she was going to make an unplanned visit to Regina’s home.

 

* * *

 

Emma had her loose change in her pocket as she walked over to the first payphone she saw after coming above ground. She pulled out a quarter and wiped the receiver with her denim sleeve before dialing Regina’s number by heart. She waited with her lip caught between her teeth, her hand resting on the curve of her belly as she listened to the ringing that sounded as though it would not end.

 

When the phone finally stopped ringing, Regina sounded out of breath as she answered. “Hello?” she questioned, breathing heavily into the phone.

 

“Did I catch you at a bad time?” Emma asked, suddenly realizing the fact that she’d made her decision to come see Regina without even considering that Regina might be busy.

 

“Emma?” Regina asked after a small pause, her breaths a little more even.

 

“Yeah. You sound busy and not like you’re about to leave work like I was expecting. I’m sorry.”

 

“You’re sorry?” Regina asked, confused. “What are you sorry for?”

 

Emma leaned her back against the payphone and sighed. “I made an impulsive decision.”

 

“As you do often,” Regina said, her smirk clear in her voice. “I don’t think I’m following, though. Why are you apologizing? What’s going on?”

 

“For calling, I guess. You’re busy–”

 

“I’m on my way back to the house. I just finished a run. I can talk for a little while.”

 

Emma’s brow wrinkled slightly. “You’re home already? What about work?”

 

“I was at the hotel most of the day, and then I had a meeting across town.”

 

“Oh. So you’re... Are you free tonight?” Emma asked, chewing on her lip as she listened to the sounds that spilled in from the other end of the phone. It was mostly just Regina’s breaths regulating and the sound of the occasional car.

 

“I am,” Regina said, her voice raising a little with her curiosity and obvious intrigue. “Did you have something in mind?”

 

Emma nodded and then covered her face with her hand for doing so. “Yeah. Like I said, I made an impulsive decision. I, um. Well.” She cleared her throat. “I’m kinda in the neighborhood and was wondering if I could come over,” she blurted out quickly. “I’d understand if you said no. I mean–”

 

“Where are you? I’ll meet you.”

 

Emma shook her head. “No. I’m only two blocks away. I’ll just meet you at the house.” And then, just to make sure, she asked, “You are saying yes, right? I’m not, like, inviting myself over or anything like that?”

 

“Do I need to give you a key to make it clear how much I enjoy having you at the house?” Regina joked, laughing lightly. “Come over. I’ll get a few more minutes of running in for the day, and then I’ll meet you there.”

 

With her throat suddenly tight, Emma chose to simply hum and say, “Okay. See you in a few,” before hanging up.

 

* * *

 

Emma arrived at the townhouse before Regina did, but it did not take long for the other woman to show up. She came running from the same direction Emma had come from, her breathing heavy once more as she took the stairs two at a time, the visible skin of her neck flushed, her face damp with perspiration. She pulled her earbuds out and wrapped them around her iPod before unzipping a hidden zipper on the hip of her spandex pants. She pulled out her keys and smiled at Emma, leaning against the door as she unlocked it and pushed it open with her shoulder.

 

Emma followed Regina in, neither of them saying a word as doors were unlocked, opened, and they entered the house. Regina put the keys in their usual spot and then turned to face Emma, quietly looking at her while her breathing slowed down to its normal, calmer, pattern.

 

“Impulsive decision, huh?” she said with a laugh, a fond look in her eyes as she shook her head.

 

Emma bit the inside of her cheek and didn’t say anything.

 

Regina placed her iPod on the table and then pulled her sweatshirt over her head, everything happening in slow motion as Emma, who had already lost her ability to speak, was robbed of her breath. Inches and inches of skin were revealed to Emma – the flat plane of Regina’s belly, under her breasts where the end of her sports bra lay, the sweaty and flushed expanse of skin from Regina’s chest to her neck. Emma felt like her pulse was beating three times too quickly, and she couldn’t look away despite knowing she was staring, knowing that her mouth was hanging open and she probably looked like she had never seen someone take their shirt off before.

 

It wasn’t like she hadn’t already known Regina had an incredibly fit and petite body, hadn’t known how attractive she found it – because she had known that for awhile. It was just that Emma was used to admiring Regina’s body while it was under clothes, not covered with a light sheen of sweat and very little else on her upper half. Before, Emma hadn’t known that the outline of Regina’s ribcage was visible when she arched her back and stretched, or known that the indent of her spine traveled all the way down the length of her smooth back. She couldn’t see the delicate curve of her waist, the way her body dipped and turned and looked like it was meant to be held with gentle hands.

 

Emma swallowed thickly and snapped her mouth shut, suddenly feeling overheated. She turned away from where Regina was taking off her sneakers and tried to flood her brain with images of, well, anything that wasn’t Regina’s body. Her hands felt like they were trembling as she removed her bag, staring at the frosted glass door and thinking about constellations, of all things. She was trying to name the ones she knew, but she couldn’t even come up with one.

 

“Okay?” she heard Regina ask, pulling her away from starry night skies.

 

“Huh?” She turned back around, eyes lowered to the floor so she didn’t end up staring and embarrassing herself.

 

“I said I am going to go jump in the shower,” Regina said, reaching out and touching Emma’s arm. “Make yourself comfortable. I won’t be long.”

 

“Shower. Right. Okay,” Emma said, trying her hardest not to imagine Regina in the shower and failing so, so miserably.

 

“Maybe grab a bottle of water out of the fridge. You look a little... _hot,”_ she said, leaning in close to Emma when the last word left her mouth.

 

Emma’s eyes quickly lifted. Regina’s lips were curling into a knowing smirk, and Emma felt herself heat even further as she watched Regina turn around and walk away, a little extra sway in her confident strut, even in workout clothes with her hair pulled back and starting to curl at the edges in the back from her sweat. Emma licked her lips and shook her head, forcing her feet to move. Regina was taunting her, and the brunette enjoyed it far too much.

 

* * *

 

Emma startled when Regina came back downstairs, nearly dropping the picture frame in her hand that she had taken off one of the shelves. She placed it back in its proper place and turned to face Regina as she entered the living room. She walked over to the sofa and sat down, taking her usual corner spot and smiling when Regina curled into the other, her head leaning against the back of the sofa as she looked at Emma.

 

“How was your day?” Regina asked, getting comfortable like she was preparing for a long conversation. Emma wondered if she did the same thing when they spoke on the phone and Regina was home, if she curled up with the phone right where she was sitting.

 

“Pretty uneventful,” she admitted. It had been a slow day, and not much had happened. “I went for a walk during my lunch break and tried a new pizza place.”

 

A small smile lifted the corner of Regina’s mouth. “Is that the highlight of your day? Pizza.”

 

“It was really good pizza,” Emma said in her defense, laughing at Regina’s unimpressed look. “I almost lost my cool at work today,” she told Regina, letting her laughter die as she remembered the lady who came looking for her boss just before Emma was about to leave.

 

“What happened?”

 

Emma rolled her eyes, lifting her legs up onto the sofa, her feet tucked in between Regina’s knees and the cushioning. Regina adjusted a little to give her more room, and then Emma smiled at her. She cleared her throat, thinking back to the end of her day. “I was coming back from getting paper for the printer–”

 

“They have you carrying boxes?” Regina interrupted, going from chill to outraged in five seconds flat.

 

Emma couldn’t stop herself from smiling at how concerned Regina was, but she was quick to assure her, shaking her head. “No. It was just a pack of paper. One pack. Don’t worry.”

 

Regina relaxed and gave Emma a single nod. “Go on.”

 

“There was this lady waiting, and I guess nobody had noticed her because there wasn’t anybody at the front desk like there should have been. That’s, like, the first rule I was taught, even though I don’t work at the front desk. It’s never to be empty.

 

“Anyway. The first thing this woman – this stranger – did when she noticed I was pregnant was touch my belly. And, like, I really don’t know why people think this is okay, like my pregnancy automatically gives them the right to touch me somehow. And you know how much I hate that, people touching me, especially strangers.”

 

Regina nodded. “I do.”

 

“I almost spazzed out from that alone. But of course touchy lady with boundary issues didn’t stop there. Because, clearly, touching strangers without their permission isn’t wrong enough on its own.” Emma rolled her eyes. “She was super intrusive, asking me questions and stuff like she wasn’t some rando person off the street. ‘You’re so young. Did you plan this?’”

 

“What?” Regina questioned, her anger boiling again, her eyes hardening.

 

“It was fucking horrifying. And I’m just standing there waiting for the floor to open up and swallow me whole or something. Like, who does that? Who asks strangers personal questions like that? I wouldn’t even ask those kind of questions if I knew the person.” She shook her head, sliding her fingers into her hair and massaging her scalp. “Anyway. I was over the moon when the day was over and I could leave, and that was before I even decided to come here.”

 

“A decision which I am glad you made, by the way,” Regina told her as she stroked her hand over Emma’s leg.

 

“You sure? I didn’t ruin any plans or anything, did I?”

 

She shook her head, adjusting on the sofa so she could move Emma’s feet to her lap. “No,” she answered simply, starting to rub her hands down Emma’s legs in slow strokes. “I have some work I need to finish, but that can wait until later in the night.”

 

“When you should be sleeping.”

 

“Do you want to undress?”

 

They shared a small laugh as they spoke at the same time.

 

“Go ahead,” Emma said, leaning her head against the sofa and blocking a yawn with the back of her hand.

 

Regina gave Emma’s calf a light squeeze. “You do plan on staying the night, right?”

 

Emma nodded. “Unless you want me out of here.”

 

Regina nodded her head towards the stairs. “Why don’t you get out of these jeans, then? Have a bath, relax. How is your back feeling today? Still hurting you?”

 

Emma raised an eyebrow, but she answered with a small nod as she subconsciously reached back and rubbed where it was bothering her. “Not as bad right now as it gets by the time I go to bed, but yeah.”

 

There was a slight pause, and then Regina cleared her throat. “If you’d like, I could give you a massage. I have been reading about the effects of massages during pregnancy, and–”

 

Emma poked her foot into Regina’s stomach, disbelief and amusement mixing in her laughter. “When do you even find the time to do all of this?”

 

“Insomnia,” she answered simply, looking down at Emma’s legs instead of her face. “I thought you might enjoy a little relief.”

 

Her laughter quieted when she noticed the uncertainty Regina was trying to hide. She reached out her hand, palm side up, and smiled gently when Regina’s eyes flicked up to look at her hand and, after a heartbeat, Emma herself. “You’re...” She breathed out a breath full of wonderment. “You’re incredible.”

 

The edges around Regina’s eyes pulled, crinkled as a slow smile gently lifted her lips. Her hand wrapped around Emma’s, fingers curling around the side of her hand. “Go have a bath. I’ll give you some time, and then I’ll come up.”

 

* * *

 

Emma couldn’t remember the last time she had taken a bath. Despite the many nights she had spent inside the guest room, she had never even considered taking a bath. It felt like the kind of thing you only did when you were at home – which was why it had been such a long time since Emma had taken one. She didn’t have a tub in her apartment, just a shower stall, and she hadn’t actually had a place she called home since she was a young kid. She lived in houses, motels, cars, and in shelters – never somewhere that was like what she thought a home should be.

 

Her bath was relaxing, just as Regina suggested it would be, and when she got out of the tub, her limbs felt looser, her legs less sore. She dried off and removed the elastic from her hair, letting her blonde waves fall free from the bun she had put them in to keep her hair dry. The carpet was soft on her feet as she entered the room, the air warm, her towel wrapped around her as she moved to the sleek dresser that she had a few clothing items in from past stays. It was only underwear and a few things to sleep in, two outfits in case she needed them, and a hoodie for the days she got cold. It had started out with just the sweater and underwear, but slowly, Emma had noticed, more and more of her things were finding a place in the guest suite, all over Regina’s house.

 

A gentle knock against the door caught Emma’s attention and she turned her head to face it, holding her towel against her body. “I’m not ready yet,” Emma called out.

 

“All right. I’m in my office when you are,” Regina said, the sound of her starting to move away slipping under the door and then stopping. “If you’d like to eat first, I made you a sandwich. It’s in the fridge.”

 

Emma shook her head. “I could have done that myself, you know?”

 

“A simple ‘thank you’ will suffice, Emma.”

 

“Thank you,” Emma said as she smiled at the door.

 

“You’re quite welcome.”

 

Emma listened to Regina walk away, and then she turned to the drawer of her clothes and sighed. The heavy feeling that had been in her chest as she wondered what form of happiness in her life she would have to say goodbye to was back again. There was no avoiding the departure of happiness, and she was worried it would soon be happening. Regina was making her sandwiches and offering to give her massages and _caring_ so much about her, and that couldn’t last forever. She had clothes and books and little things all around the townhouse – like she belonged there, like it was okay for her to entwine her life with Regina’s, like she was at home.

 

Her heart started beating a little quicker as she thought it, that she was treating Regina’s house like her home. She didn’t even do that in her apartment. Some of her things were still inside of packed bags in her apartment. That was her place, her very first place, but Regina’s townhouse felt more like home to her. And, honestly, that scared Emma. It scared Emma because she could feel the happiness and contentment building up and knew that it would eventually come crashing down.


	18. Chapter 18

**May 2006**

 

Emma had needed a moment to clear her mind, to push away her worries so she didn’t drown in them. She hadn’t felt all that hungry, but she had gone downstairs and had her sandwich to buy herself more time without causing Regina to worry about her. She had stayed downstairs for a few minutes after she finished, after she washed her plate and tidied up the kitchen. It wasn’t until she had found the same sense of peace that had slipped into her body during her bath that she returned upstairs, her food settled along with her overactive mind.

 

She leaned against the doorjamb outside Regina’s office, arms crossed under her chest as she watched Regina silently. She had her hair clipped back and a pencil behind her ear, blueprints spread out on her large desk as she stared down at them, her face scrunchy and terribly cute.

 

Emma had tried looking at the blueprints as Regina explained her vision to her once, but she couldn’t picture any of what she was saying in the lines and numbers on the paper. She preferred getting lost in the sound of Regina’s voice, watching her, hearing her passion and imagining what she wanted to do based on that. But it was nice getting to see her at work, see how involved she actually was in the restoration. It wasn’t just a new step for the company that she envisioned and then handed off to someone else. It was _her_ work, her ideas, her measurements, her time. Emma thought it was amazing seeing how much Regina put into what she did, and until Regina noticed her at the door, she just watched.

 

“My silent observer,” Regina whispered fondly, looking up from the desk and smiling one of those breathtaking, slowly growing smiles at Emma. The light on her desk made shadows appear on the line of her jaw and the curve of her cheek, emphasized the smoothness of her skin, the youthfulness that Regina usually covered up with makeup. “You ready?”

 

Emma nodded, backing up from the door and heading to the room across from to it. She was wearing her hoodie over the tank top she had put on with her shorts, but she unzipped and removed it as she walked into the room. “How do you wanna do this?”

 

Regina followed her to the bed with a small bottle in her hand. She placed the bottle down on the nightstand and turned the lamp on to its lowest setting. “Is it warm enough in here for you?”

 

“Yeah,” Emma said as she sat on the edge of the bed, looking up at Regina as the other woman looked down at her like she was considering something, fingers tangled in front of her stomach. Emma knocked her foot into Regina’s leg gently and smiled at her. “You’ve got your thinking face on.”

 

Regina rolled her eyes as she relaxed, her nose no longer bunched up at the bridge. “I’m going to go wash my hands,” she said, “and I want you to take off your shirt and get on your side. Face the window,” she instructed, pointing behind Emma.

 

“Take off...” Emma swallowed. “You can’t, you know, just work around it?”

 

“For what I want to do, it would be best if you removed it. Pull the sheet back. You can use it to cover your chest. I promise not to move it.”

 

Emma nodded, agreeing.

 

“If you’re uncomfortable, I can–”

 

“No. It’s okay,” Emma said, interrupting her. “I’m fine. I just...” She shrugged, looking down at her rounded belly and rubbing it. “I haven’t been undressed, even partially undressed, around anyone other than my doctor since I found out I was pregnant.”

 

Regina walked to the door and flipped the switch beside it, turning off the main light in the bedroom. Emma looked up at her and smiled a little. “Is that better?”

 

“Mhm,” she hummed, biting the inside of her cheek.

 

Regina left her alone in the bedroom and went to wash her hands – or, Emma figured, had  probably just left to give Emma some privacy. Emma waited until she heard the water turn on before she pulled the covers back and took her shirt off. She tossed it to the end of the bed and rubbed her hands down her bare arms, looking down at her belly. She ran her hands down to her stomach and closed her eyes, allowed herself a few deep breaths.

 

She had just stood in front of the mirror in the laundry room a few days ago and looked at her belly. There was a dark line going down the middle of it that had recently appeared, and it had made her wonder what else she might find if she actually took the time to look at herself. She had more stretch marks than she had originally thought, some that were darker than the light pink ones she could see when she was laying in bed. Around the bottom of her belly, they were darker, more of a purple, and thicker. She had traced them with her fingers as she looked in the mirror and then heard a thump outside the door and quickly pulled her shirt down, not wanting anyone else to see them. And now here she was, shirtless, shirtless and about to be in front of Regina, Regina who had perfect skin and a flat belly.

 

Emma climbed into the bed and closed her eyes again, feeling nervous and like she needed to cover up. It was an insecurity she wasn’t used to, one she hadn’t even known she had until Regina said for her to take her shirt off. Before her pregnancy, she had been comfortable in her skin, comfortable being undressed around others. It had never bothered her. But as she waited for Regina, she could only think about what she would think if she saw the ugly lines that marked her skin.

 

A few more seconds passed before Regina shut the water off. “May I come back in?”

 

Emma relaxed a little. Regina was the most considerate person Emma had ever known, the most understanding. If there was anybody she could be comfortable around, it was her. She didn’t know if she _would_ be comfortable, but she thought she should at least try to be. She expelled a heavy breath and cleared her throat.

 

“Yeah. I’m ready,” she told her, hoping her erratic heartbeat wasn’t as loud as it appeared to be.

 

The bathroom door shut and she could hear a few of Regina’s quiet steps. “Still warm enough?” she questioned as she approached the bed.

 

Emma nodded.

 

“Comfortable? Do you need more pillows? Anything?”

 

Emma tried to smile, but she wasn’t sure her lips cooperated with the simple command. She opened her eyes and looked over her shoulder, was glad she did when she saw the soft look in Regina’s eyes. She felt some of the tightness in her stomach loosen. “I think I’m more than covered with the pillows,” she said, having several surrounding her. A small laugh tickled her throat.

 

Regina picked up one of the pillows and moved the covers a little on her legs. “Put this one between your thighs,” she instructed, and Emma lifted her top leg and let Regina place it where she wanted it. “Okay,” she whispered, more to herself than Emma.

 

“You okay?” Emma asked, wondering if Regina was feeling some type of nervousness as well.

 

Regina’s brow wrinkled slightly before she nodded once, and then a second time, more confident when she looked at Emma. “Are you?”

 

“Yeah. I think so.”

 

Regina dampened her lips and brushed her hand down Emma’s arm and squeeze it. “Good.”

 

Emma settled back with her head on the pillow. She closed her eyes and let out a soft breath, choosing to listen to the small sounds of Regina moving around instead of watching her. She held the sheet in place and mentally reminded herself to take steady breaths and relax.

 

“This is coconut oil,” Regina said, her voice soft as she brought her hands to Emma’s back. She slowly stroked from Emma’s shoulder blade to her hip, hands flat and light on her skin.

 

Emma shivered and made a surprised sound despite being informed before Regina touched her. Even when expecting the feeling of Regina’s hands on her skin, she wasn’t _really_ expecting her touch. It was soft and gentle and careful.

 

“You okay?” Regina questioned as she stilled her hands. “Is it cold?

 

She shook her head, laughing a little in her throat at herself because of how nervous she was. “No, it feels nice,” she whispered. “I’m just, I don’t know, maybe a little nervous.”

 

Regina hummed, circling around Emma’s hipbone and smoothing her hands back upward. She moved slowly, the pads of her fingers and the curve of her palm sweeping up and down Emma’s back, one hand and then the other. Regina’s breaths followed the same pattern her hands did, a long inhalation as she massaged her way up the right side of Emma’s back, and then a soft exhalation as she followed the same path in the opposite direction.

 

Emma felt herself naturally mimicking Regina’s breaths, relaxing as the pressure increased just a little, her muscles loosening beneath Regina’s hands. Focusing on the way Regina’s fingers worked into her skin and manipulated her muscles, swirled and circled at her tight hip and lower back, kneaded at her shoulder, made it easy to clear her mind, to stop thinking about everything so much.

 

Regina hummed as she used her thumbs to follow the curve of Emma’s shoulder blade. They felt like little balls rolling against her, tight and just enough pressure to make it feel like something warm and soothing was running all along her spine. She circled her thumbs and pressed into Emma’s back, massaging right along the edge of her shoulder blade with such a perfect touch that Emma thought she might melt beneath her skillful hands.

 

“How’s that?” Regina asked in a low voice. “Hmm?”

 

Emma hummed in response and licked her lips. “Nice.”

 

Regina used all of her fingers and pushed and pulled while her thumbs continued to roll in circles, working into Emma’s flesh and muscles. “Still good?” She massaged her way down to Emma’s hip, the tension easing away.

 

“Yeah,” Emma breathed in response.

 

“Yeah?” Regina parroted, her voice just as breathy as Emma’s was. She kneaded up and down, let her fingers rub against Emma’s side, into the sensitive spot at her waist, and then hummed a pleased sound when Emma felt like she was sinking into the mattress, Regina’s fingers working into the space that usually ached and kept her from being able to get comfortable at night. “That’s it,” Regina whispered, focusing on the same area, moving over it, again and again, fingers moving in tight circles.

 

Emma groaned and buried her face in her pillow, the sound repeating itself in her head, loud and embarrassing.

 

“Relax, Emma,” Regina whispered. “You’re supposed to enjoy. It’s okay,” she said softly, smoothing her hands up and to Emma’s shoulder. “Okay?” she whispered, her breath against Emma’s neck as she waited.

 

Emma only nodded, didn’t dare to open her eyes, could feel how close Regina suddenly was to her.

 

“Okay,” Regina repeated, gliding her hands back down to Emma’s lower back.

 

She stopped for a moment, and when she brought her hands back, there was more of the silky oil on them. She pulled the muscle tissue away from Emma’s spine and then lightly squeezed at Emma’s side, letting her own groan fill the air as she created a hypnotic pattern, pulling and squeezing, letting her fingers work the tension out of Emma’s lower back. Her touch was confident, and she was attentive, always went back to the spots that made Emma feel like she was melting in the best of ways.

 

She was so used to the tension in her body that it wasn’t until it was disappearing that she was even aware of how much she carried around with her. By the time Regina was telling her to switch to her other side, Emma was already feeling more relaxed than she could ever remember feeling.

 

Emma blinked her eyes open and looked over her shoulder at Regina. She felt warm all over and like her limbs were weightless. Regina had spent a little time on her arm before massaging her shoulder, and Emma was still buzzing from the feeling of it. She felt like she was drifting away as she grinned at Regina.

 

Regina smiled back at her and touched her face. “Let me do your other side before you fall asleep. Come on.” She motioned for her to roll over with her finger.

 

“Turn around,” Emma said, mimicking Regina’s finger twirl.

 

Regina turned without hesitation, her back to Emma. Emma moved the pillows around and slowly turned onto her back, stretched her legs out, her toes down, and then finished her turn so she was on her side, facing Regina. As Regina had massaged her right side, Emma had noticed the sheet slipping down over her stomach and had thought to fix it. But she hadn’t. Regina hadn’t paused or said anything, even though she was at Emma’s lower back and would have been able to see any of the stretch marks that were visible. Emma had tensed for a few moments, but she had forced herself to relax, to not think about it. She wanted to be okay with Regina seeing her, wanted to be comfortable.

 

She pulled the sheet over her, but she purposely left part of her stomach showing this time. She squeezed her eyes shut and swallowed thickly. “Okay. You can turn around now,” Emma said, letting her eyes open.

 

Regina turned and immediately went for the oil. “I’m going to get in the bed to do this side. All right?”

 

Emma nodded, watching Regina carefully. She was expecting some type of reaction. But even though Regina ran her eyes over her, she didn’t say or do anything, didn’t fix the sheet to cover the puffy purple lines on Emma’s belly. Emma’s brow furrowed slightly as she turned to look over her shoulder.

 

Regina walked on her knees towards Emma, raising her brow as she settled behind her. “Are you ready?”

 

“Sure,” Emma answered, still looking at Regina.

 

Regina gently pushed at her shoulder. “Get comfortable. Relax.”

 

Emma sighed and turned away from Regina, shifted her hips and adjusted her pillow. “I wanna ask you something.”

 

Regina hummed, starting her massage the same way she had done on the other side. She moved in long strokes up and down Emma’s back, one hand following the other, calming and slow. “Ask me.”

 

Emma bit into her cheek, not exactly sure what she wanted to ask despite saying she had a question for Regina. She reached behind her and caught one of Regina’s arms by the wrist. “Can I borrow this for a second?”

 

Regina laughed a little in her throat. “What?”

 

Emma shook her head and turned her face into the pillow a little. “Your hand. Can I...?”

 

“Sure.”

 

Emma ignored the way her heart suddenly hammered in her chest and put Regina’s hand on her belly. She slid it down close to the waistband of her shorts and then up, over the curve of her belly, under the sheet until she let the sheet slide off. She shivered at the change of temperature, her stomach and breasts bare to the air, and then shivered in response to the sound of Regina’s sharp intake of breath.

 

“Emma?” Regina whispered, sounding confused as Emma dragged her hand lightly over the swell of Emma’s belly.

 

Emma twisted her lips together and looked at Regina over her shoulder, searched her face for any signs of discomfort. There weren’t any. She let out a breath she hadn’t even realized she was holding in. “I, um.” She cleared her throat. “I wanted you to feel them,” she said, and then quickly added, “the stretch marks. I wanted you to feel them.”

 

Regina nodded like she understood and brought her other hand to Emma’s belly and touched her. She turned her head and watched as her hand lightly rubbed Emma’s stomach, fingertips barely touching Emma, light like feathers tickling the skin. Emma let go of Regina’s hand and carefully moved onto her back, making Regina move over a few inches so her knee wasn’t pressing into Emma.

 

Emma swallowed and looked up at Regina’s face. Regina turned to look at her, her smile warm in the dim light. Emma bit her lip and closed her eyes, willing her heart to calm down as soft fingers ran over her round belly, careful and so gentle. Regina started on one side and then let her hands follow the curve around Emma’s stomach, her hands smooth and tender all the way around, around and then over the top, perfectly light.

 

She let out a soft hum and Emma opened her eyes to look at her, found herself instantly pulled in by the look in Regina’s eyes, on her face, the way _she_ seemed to be glowing. They always said that pregnant women had a glow to their skin, and whether that was true or not didn’t matter to Emma. What mattered was that Regina definitely did glow, everything about her lighting up the way fireflies did in the summer, beautiful and bright and breathtaking.

 

Emma’s chest felt tight, but not from nervousness or fear of what Regina would think of what she saw. Her chest felt tight because her heart was so full and heavy. She felt slightly overwhelmed by the rush of emotions that was flooding her system. Everything felt warm and bright and she could only smile as she watched Regina, watched the way _she_ smiled, so pure and light and happy.

 

Emma felt a small kick and laughed at the surprise in Regina’s eyes. Usually calm and still whenever Regina tried to feel for movement, the baby greeted her, didn’t hide as Regina lightly stroked Emma’s belly.

 

“Say hi,” Emma encouraged.

 

Regina turned to look at Emma, brow raised a little. Emma nodded. Regina looked back down and dampened her lips, her voice soft as she said: “Hello there.”

 

Emma wasn’t expecting it, was pretty sure she had been imagining it all the times it happened when she spoke to the baby, but a moment after Regina spoke, she felt slight movements, not a kick this time, just like the baby was turning or rolling against her. She made her own surprised sound this time, grinning up at Regina.

 

“They can hear you!”

 

Regina looked unsure for a moment, but then she smiled and looked up into Emma’s eyes, her own eyes the softest Emma had ever seen them. She didn’t say anything, but the look in her eyes conveyed everything she was feeling perfectly.

 

* * *

 

“I didn’t finish your massage,” Regina whispered much later in the night, her head on the pillow next to Emma’s own.

 

Emma turned her head to look at her. She reached across herself and brushed her fingers through the loose hair by Regina’s ear. “I’m relaxed enough. I’d rather have this.”

 

A slow smile pulled at Regina’s lips. She covered Emma’s hand with her own and slid their fingers between each other. “You were nervous about me seeing you.”

 

Emma let out a soft breath and turned completely on her side like Regina was, Emma’s naked belly between them. She hadn’t put on a shirt, or even considered covering up after Regina had seen her. She’d only put on a soft cotton bra. Their hands rested on the bed, fingers laced together, holding on to each other, sure of where they belonged. She smiled a little and then lifted her gaze to meet Regina’s.

 

She nodded in response to Regina’s statement. “I was – not because I don’t believe you when you say you find me beautiful, but because it was something you hadn’t seen of me. I always worry that how you look at me will change when you see certain things.”

 

“Figuratively speaking as well, I’m assuming,” Regina said gently, searching Emma’s face.

 

She nodded. “Yeah.”

 

Regina wiggled her fingers against Emma’s hand and squeezed. “What I find most beautiful about you is the person you are at your core, okay? I know there are parts of you that you hide from me, that you aren’t ready to let me see – and I’m okay with that. I do the same. I know you’ve done things you aren’t proud of, even though I may not know what. But,” Regina said, squeezing Emma’s hand again, “all of the ugly, the bad, the whatever you want to call it that’s inside of us, it isn’t all there is. I’m well aware that it exists, but so do many beautiful, good things.”

 

Emma pulled their joint hands higher, closer to her. She closed her eyes as her lips pressed to the back of Regina’s hand and lingered there, warm and soft. She brushed her lips slowly and kissed over Regina’s knuckles as she heard the brunette sigh.

 

Emma opened her eyes and looked at Regina, hoping she hadn’t done too much but finding remnants of her smile in her warm eyes instead of any signs of discomfort. Emma kissed her hand again, and again, and again, and let her grin grow against it as Regina laughed, that beautiful, throaty laugh that made Emma’s heart beat with excitement.


	19. Chapter 19

**June 2006**

 

Life did not ask if you were ready before it went and turned everything upside down for you. Changes happened in the blink of an eye, and, quite often, they happened with absolutely no warning whatsoever. Even when there was a warning, when the changes were expected, they felt like they came out of nowhere. Life did not run things by you, did not ask if it was a good time. Life did whatever the hell it wanted, and you just had to keep on keeping on no matter how chaotic it all felt. 

 

One day, you could reach down and touch your toes, eat a big bowl of pasta covered in tomato sauce without getting heartburn, and squeeze into small spaces. The next, you were thirty weeks pregnant, crying and yelling in the middle of a store as your boobs leaked and everything ached like you were ancient. 

 

Suddenly, everything had come crashing down on Emma. It felt like she couldn’t breathe. But even though her chest was tight and she was struggling to find air, she couldn’t stop speaking. There was so much she needed to say, so much that had been kept inside Emma’s head when she needed to let it out – and, apparently, the place she needed to let it all out was in the middle of the nursery furniture store, while she stood beside the most expensive crib she had ever seen and people looked at her like she had lost it.

 

“Emma, calm down,” Regina said, putting her hands on Emma’s upper arms and trying to make her breathe. 

 

“Stop telling me to calm down,” Emma snapped. Everything was hot and spinny. “How am I supposed to be calm? Ten weeks. Oh, God, I...” She put her hand on her chest, desperately needing her heart to chill out before she had a heart attack and died before she even got to screw up as a mother. “There are less than ten weeks and I have no fucking idea how any of this is going to work.” 

 

There were shoppers looking at them from every angle. She could feel their judging eyes on them, on  _ her. _ She could hear them murmuring under their breaths to each other, probably wondering what she was even doing in the overpriced store, leaving her poor, orphan filth on the pricey wood and fabrics. They were probably wondering what Regina was doing dirtying her millionaire hands on Emma. 

 

Emma felt like the room was moving, turning, twisting, trying to spin her all around until she didn’t know up from down. But she wouldn’t let it. She grabbed the closest thing to her, the crib that was an entire month’s pay, and used it as an anchor. She could feel Regina’s hand on her back, rubbing in a circular motion that was supposed to be calming but did nothing when Emma couldn’t focus on it. There was too much going on in her head. 

 

“I can’t do this, Regina,” Emma sobbed, horrified by the sound that left her mouth, the hot tears that streamed down her cheeks. She wiped at them roughly, furious, accidentally scratching her cheek and making it sting. She hissed. “I can’t be a mother. I...” She gulped and gulped and gulped. “But I can’t give away my baby. I... Regina. Make it stop.” 

 

“I’m right here,” she thought she heard Regina say, but it could have just been her mind playing games with her. 

 

Maybe she was really alone. Maybe Regina never even existed in the first place. She was probably sleeping in her car somewhere, dreaming all of this. Regina was too perfect to be real. She wasn’t right there. She wasn’t. Emma was all alone. 

 

Emma was all alone. 

 

Her shoulders shook violently as the word kept repeating in her head. 

 

Alone. 

 

Alone. 

 

Alone. 

 

ALONE. 

 

“Alone,” she said aloud, breathing heavily. “I’m all alone. I’m all alone.” Her chest was getting tighter, as was her grip on the crib. The world was spinning out of control. “Alone. I’ll always be alone.” 

 

She felt something tight wrapping around her and she wanted to scream, loud and raw and like a roar, but she couldn’t hear her voice anymore.

 

She was shrinking, or everything was getting bigger. The walls were moving, closing in; they wanted to trap her, squish her, make sure nobody ever saw her again. But they wouldn’t care, anyway. She was all alone in this world. Nobody would miss Emma Swan. Nobody would miss her. Nobody would miss her. Nobody would–

 

* * *

 

When everything stopped spinning and the walls fell back, the first thing Emma saw was Regina. Everything around them was dark and distant, shadowy, but Regina was vibrant and there –  _ there.  _ Her mouth was moving, her berry lips forming shapes around sounds Emma couldn’t hear. Emma looked up into her eyes, warm and safe, pulling her in. She let them, yanked herself free from the fears that tried to drag her into the darkness and let herself be pulled away, brought back to Regina.

 

The sound flooded back in slowly, Regina’s voice, soft and steady, wrapping around her. “You’re going to be just fine,” she told Emma like a promise, like she really believed it. 

 

And because of Regina’s certainty, Emma nodded, breathing in a deep breath and not looking away from Regina. She focused only on those eyes, saw nothing that was around her, none of the judging faces from before. She saw only Regina, and she was reminded she was not alone. She hadn’t been alone in months. 

 

“That’s good,” Regina said, squeezing Emma’s hands. “Keep on breathing, nice and slow. Keep your focus on me. Let everything else fade away. Breathe with me, Emma.” 

 

Emma couldn’t remember when she had sat down, or when her backpack had been removed from her back. Her head was pounding, her nose and eyes burning, her skin warm. She could vaguely remember crying, but she remembered not how she got the ugly sobs to stop. But she didn’t think about any of that as she followed Regina’s softly given instructions and let it all fade away. 

 

_ Inhale.  _

 

_ Exhale.  _

 

_ Inhale.  _

 

_ Exhale. _

 

* * *

 

Once Emma was completely in the present, Regina had guided her out of the furniture store and into the fresh air. It was quiet between them, and Regina didn’t ask her if she wanted to go back to the townhouse with her before she got a yellow cab to stop and she opened the door for Emma. Emma slid in without question and stared out the window the entire ride, unsure if she should say something. Even if she should fill the heavy silence between them, she was not sure  _ what _ she should say.

 

It wasn’t until much later that they spoke to each other, that Emma was able to focus on something other than the very thoughts that had sent her spiraling into an attack before. The townhouse doors were unlocked, opened, and then locked as they always were, and then the keys were placed on the table just like they were supposed to be. But then Regina broke her routine and started walking to the kitchen without hanging up the lightweight jacket she was wearing, and Emma knew something was wrong. 

 

“Why aren’t you talking to me?” Emma asked from the foyer, her feet refusing to take her any farther into the townhouse. She hated how small her voice sounded, how needy she felt. She hated how much it hurt her that Regina might be upset with her – and she especially hated that she might have upset Regina.

 

Regina took a few more steps before stopping behind the armchair and letting her shoulders fall heavily. She reached out as if to rest her hand on the back of it, but she stopped short and curled her fingers into a fist as she took an audible deep breath. “Do you not feel as though you can talk to me when something is bothering you, Emma?” 

 

“Of course I can talk to you,” Emma said, moving her hands to put them in her pockets and realizing she had none. She put them on the back of her hips instead, hoped the slight tremble wouldn’t be noticed if Regina were to turn around. “You’re the person I go to whenever I need to talk to someone, Regina. I know I can talk to you.”

 

“Then...” Regina cleared her throat, her back stiffening for a moment before she exhaled a long breath again and appeared to force herself to relax. “You’re dealing with a lot of stress right now,” Regina stated, her tone understanding.

 

“There’s a lot going on,” she reasoned immediately. 

 

“I know,” Regina said with a soft breath as she turned around. She held her hands in front of her, rubbing absently at the fingers on one hand with those on the other. “But sometimes I think you feel as though you have to handle it all on your own. That isn’t the case, not with me. I’m willing and able to be more than you let me be.”

 

Emma sighed a little as she responded, looking up to meet Regina’s eyes. “I know and appreciate that,” she said. Regina had made that clear to her more than enough in the past. She knew Regina wanted to be there for her, and she was doing a much better job at letting her than she once had. “I don’t... What’s wrong? I mean, this isn’t just me not letting you deal with the stressful stuff with me on top of all your own stress, is it?”

 

“Talking about a nursery triggered a panic attack, Emma.” Regina looked exhausted, and worried, and not really upset, but maybe a little hurt. “Isn’t it obvious what’s wrong? I’m concerned, and I wish you would talk to me.”

 

“I...” She rubbed the back of her neck with an open palm and mumbled, “It's hard.” 

 

“I see,” Regina said, her voice devoid of emotion. Her arms moved to wrap around herself, though, like Regina was keeping herself together, keeping herself from falling apart. She held herself like she needed safety and only she could provide that. 

 

Seeing her like that made Emma’s chest ache. She was quick to try to undo it, to make what she meant clear. “Not to talk to you,” she said, her eyes desperately trying to latch onto Regina’s so she could see the honesty in them. “It’s difficult having to face everything all at once, to put everything out there. It’s not you. Promise.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Please don’t okay me,” Emma said, lowering her head. Everything was starting to feel heavy and uncomfortable again, and she briefly wondered if this was when the happy started disappearing. Was Regina the first thing she would have to say goodbye to?

 

Regina let out a loud, frustrated breath. “What do you want me to say? Huh, Emma?”

 

She shrugged, chewing on her lower lip and shuffling awkwardly in front of the door. “I don’t know. Make me talk.”

 

“I’m not going to force you,” Regina said, her voice softer this time. She waited a few moments, and then she started walking back towards the stairs. “It’s been a long day, for both of us. I’m going to go make a few phone calls, and then I’ll find something to throw together for dinner. Okay?” 

 

Emma nodded silently, feeling like she was supposed to say something, do something, but not knowing how to do that. 

 

“And...” Regina quietly let out a breath. “Come inside. You may frustrate me sometimes, but that doesn’t change that I want you here. You don’t have to do that.” She waved her hand towards Emma, Emma who hadn’t moved from the foyer or taken off any of her things. “You don’t have to question if you’re allowed in.” 

 

Emma lifted her head, searching Regina’s eyes, her face, wondering how she always knew what was going on inside her head. “How–?”

 

Regina shrugged with one shoulder. “I know you, Emma,” she said simply. 

 

And Emma sighed, her heart twisting a little. “Right,” she whispered to herself. “You do.”

 

* * *

 

Emma had gone upstairs and taken a quick shower and washed her hair before getting dressed in her sleepwear. She was wearing a loose tee shirt with her cotton shorts, her hair towel-dried but still a little wet in its braid. She had spent her entire time in the shower thinking. She worked through what had happened in the last day and tried coming up with ways she could fix everything, make things feel normal again. Once she started wondering if she would have to soon let go of Regina, she knew that it wasn’t an option for her. It wasn’t time to get used to being without her again. It was time to take away the reasons Regina might want her to go.

 

Before going downstairs, she picked up her bra that was dirty from the colostrum leakage Regina had warned her might happen sometime in her pregnancy and ended up happening for the first time while they were out for the day. She added it to the pile of dirty clothes that had been accumulating and brought them with her downstairs. An anxiety attack, leaky boobs, and ugly sobbing in front of strangers – it had been quite the day.  

 

She did feel a lot better now, though. She put all of her clothes into the washer, not separating them like Regina taught her to do, wanting to get it done quickly, and then went out to the living room and grabbed her bag. She brought it with her to the kitchen, put it in her chair, the one she always sat in when she ate at Regina’s place, and then went to the fridge. 

 

Ten minutes later, the table was full of papers – pamphlets, little notes Emma had taken, receipts – and there was a mug of tea for Regina and one full of hot chocolate for Emma amongst the sea of baby-related information. She let out a loud breath and straightened the adoption book, feeling nervous but ready to get it all out. 

 

Emma was about to go ask Regina to come downstairs when the kitchen door swung open and their eyes met, Regina’s still tired and dull. Emma needed to fix that. She rolled her shoulders back and breathed out the nervousness that was tumbling about her belly. She picked up Regina’s tea and held it up as an offering, smiling lightly. 

 

“Can we talk?” 

 

Regina hovered at the entrance for a moment, contemplative expression in place as she looked Emma up and down. It took a few seconds, but the way she let herself relax was obvious and satisfying to see. Regina gave a slight nod and entered the room, wrapped her hands around the mug and took it from Emma. She placed it on the table and pulled out her chair. 

 

“Thank you,” she said, and Emma didn’t know if it was for the tea or for being willing to talk, but she nodded as she joined Regina at the table. 

 

* * *

 

Emma started at the beginning, with how she hadn’t known she was pregnant and then went through a stage of denying that she was before she had finally gone to the doctor. Regina listened to her with focused eyes, not even looking through all the things Emma had sprawled out on the table. Emma rushed through some parts, but she told Regina all about her doubts of being able to raise a kid, about how she didn’t know how she would be able to afford it, about how helpless she had felt in the beginning of her pregnancy. She told her about how she had been left alone in a church when she was a baby, something she had only ever told one other person, and hurried through the story because it made her chest hurt seeing the pained look in Regina’s eyes even more than it hurt thinking that people had believed from the very beginning that she wasn’t worth keeping. 

 

Emma reached across the table and picked up the book with the smiling baby looking up at the beaming couple. She let out a heavy breath and put it down in front of Regina, biting the inside of her cheek as Regina looked down at the book. “I struggled with it for a little while because I didn’t want the baby to grow up thinking I didn’t love them, that I didn’t want them. Because that just isn’t true. I kept track of how much money I spent, on food, household things, the necessities. Just like we did today, I would go around and look at baby stuff, write down the prices. Babies need a lot: clothes, diapers, baby wipes, food, a crib, blankets.” 

 

Regina lowered her eyes back down to the thick book filled with information about adoption. There was a sadness in her eyes as she flipped the pages open, but she didn’t say anything.

 

Emma drank some of her hot chocolate and watched her before continuing. “In the beginning, it felt impossible, being able to keep them. I don’t really talk about my place, but it’s tiny, Regina. There’s not even room for a crib in it. And I don’t know how I would afford all that stuff the baby needs. I was barely making enough money to feed myself before this new job,” she admitted, looking down at the table and forcing herself not to get emotional. 

 

Regina’s hand covered one of the fists she made atop the table. She stroked the top of Emma’s hand with her thumb until she relaxed it, let her hand fall flat on the table. “Look at me,” Regina said, her voice strong but her eyes, Emma found when she looked up, wet with unshed tears. 

 

“Please don’t cry.” Emma pulled her hand away from Regina and rubbed her cheek, her heart aching, twisting, pulling inside her chest as Regina blinked and a few tears escaped and touched her fingers. “You’re going to make me cry – again. I don’t want you to cry.” 

 

“I’m not,” Regina said as she wiped her eyes. “I’m not.” 

 

“You are.” 

 

Regina looked down at her damp fingers and huffed out a slight chuckle. “Okay. Perhaps I am, but it’s not because of what you said. It is, but...” Regina closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She let it out slowly and looked at Emma, took Emma’s hand into her own. “Do you remember when you asked me a few months ago to tell you what I saw when I looked at you? We were at the atrium by my office.” 

 

“Yeah,” Emma answered, unaware that they had been near where Regina worked but clearly able to remember the day. “You said you could see my will to move past my struggles, that you could see the fight in me eyes.” 

 

Regina smiled as she nodded. “Perseverance.” 

 

“Yeah, that. I remember.” 

 

“I was right about you.” 

 

“You usually are,” Emma said with an eye roll, making Regina smile. 

 

“I’m proud of the person you are, Emma,” Regina said seriously, squeezing her hands around Emma’s. “You see the larger pictures when you look at your life. You see where you were and where you are now. And while, yes, you lived through all of it, you know what it took to move from one step to the other, you don’t give yourself enough credit for what you accomplish in between. 

 

“Getting a new job, for instance, was a huge accomplishment that I felt like you would have just looked over if I hadn’t insisted on celebrating with you. I knew having that stability was important to you, and that was what mattered most. However, I also noticed the little things before that. You were so reluctant to take my help, the program’s help, but you did. It’s your pride – I know, you’ve told me – but you put that aside and accepted the help you needed. I was proud of you for that, for doing something I knew was difficult for you. Even when something feels impossible, you manage to find a way to do it.”

 

Emma smiled as she looked down at their hands resting on the table. “You notice a lot.” 

 

“I notice you,” Regina said softly. 

 

Emma nodded, closing her eyes as a fluttering sensation moved through her chest. 

 

Regina cleared her throat. “Have you decided?” 

 

Emma lifted her head and looked at Regina, and then her eyes moved down to the book the brunette was looking at. She shook her head. “It was easier considering adoptionin the beginning. But I wasn’t connected to them, then. I hadn’t bonded with them. I hadn’t spoken to them, or felt them. They were sorta this abstract idea, you know? I just wanted to give them what would be best. I wanted them to have a good life. But now, even though I still don’t know how, I want to give them that life myself. I want to raise them, and love them. I want to be the person who gets to remind them that they’re special and important. I want to give them what I never...” She huffed out a breath, pulling one of her hands free to wipe her eyes.

 

“You want to give them what you didn’t have growing up,” Regina said with understanding in her voice.

 

Emma nodded mutely. 

 

Regina swept her eyes over the table and then turned her attention back to Emma, standing from her seat. “Come with me,” she said, gently pulling Emma’s hand. 

 

“What?” Emma furrowed her brow. “Where? I’m not done.” 

 

Regina smiled, moving closer to Emma. She placed her hand on the blonde’s cheek and stroked it tenderly with her fingers, her touch soft and delicate. “I want to talk to you about something, and I think it would be best if we had this discussion away from all of that.” She tilted her head towards the table. “Thank you for showing me, for sharing it with me. We can come back to it later, if you still feel like there’s more you need to say. I will listen to it all. If you feel like there’s more you need to explain, we’ll come back to it. But...” 

 

“Okay,” Emma agreed, nodding against Regina’s hand and letting her pull her to her feet. 

 

* * *

 

Regina brought Emma to her office, told Emma to sit in her chair and then leaned against the desk. She smiled at the confused look Emma was giving her and opened the top drawer beside her. Emma watched as Regina pulled out a stack of magazines and then held them to her chest, a nervous look in her eyes as she shut the drawer.

 

“I wasn’t sure I should still give these to you after what happened earlier. I didn’t want to overwhelm you with what I’m about to say, and I still worry I might.” 

 

Emma looked at the back of the last magazine, saw the baby with the colorful toys all around them. Her eyes widened a little as she looked up at Regina. “Baby things?” 

 

Regina gave her a small nod and placed the stack behind her, not giving them to Emma yet. “But it’s not the magazines and catalogues that I’m afraid might overwhelm you. It’s what I wanted to ask you.” 

 

Emma hated when things were dragged out. It made her heart beat too quickly, made her brain come up with all kinds of ideas, each more terrifying than the next. “You can just ask me. I’ll be fine.” 

 

Regina licked her lips and turned back to the drawer, her hand inside of it as though to pull something out, but then she pulled it back, empty. “My timing feels inappropriate. I didn’t expect any of what you said downstairs – not that I’m not glad you shared it with me.” 

 

“Regina?” 

 

“Sorry.” She took a deep breath and wrapped her arm around herself, her lips twisting together. She shut her eyes. “This isn’t because of what you just told me. I’ve been thinking about it for a few weeks, but I wasn’t sure how you would react, so I was sitting on the idea. I wanted to make sure I was making this decision with my head and not my heart.” 

 

“What?” she questioned, slightly confused. Emma pushed the chair closer to Regina and reached over her, waiting for Regina taking too long. She wanted to know what was going on, and she knew the answer was in the drawer. 

 

Regina stopped her, though, wrapped her hand around Emma’s arm and looked her in the eye. “Don’t,” she said simply, and Emma didn’t. 

 

“Can you just ask me? Please. You’re starting to make me freak out. And, in case the mess I was earlier didn’t make it obvious, I don’t do too well when I’m freaking out.” 

 

Regina was quiet for a moment, too long of a moment, and then she nodded, as if deciding. “What would you say if I offered to move the office upstairs and we turned this room into a nursery?” she asked, her eyes trying to stay focused on Emma but so nervous that they couldn’t.

 

Everything was rushing around her, moving too quickly for her to keep up. Unlike in the store earlier, there were no voices screaming at her, no irrational thoughts that made sense when she was in the middle of an attack but would later be nonsensical. Her heart was beating quickly, but it wasn’t anxiety this time. It was uncertainty and hope and dreams and fears and everything crashing into each other. She blinked owlishly at Regina. 

 

“You’re right,” Regina said, standing up and brushing her hands down her pants. She shut the desk drawer. “I shouldn’t have asked that.” 

 

Emma’s confusion made her break her silence. “Who’s right? I didn’t even say anything.” 

 

“I know you didn’t. Your silence was more than enough.” Regina took a deep breath and shook her head, tried to smile at Emma, but it was all wrong. “I shouldn’t–”

 

“No,” Emma said desperately, not wanting Regina to backtrack. Even if she didn’t know what to say about what Regina’s question seemed to be implying, she didn’t want Regina to take it off the table, didn’t want her to regret asking. “You just surprised me, that’s all. Don’t take it back,” she said softly, reaching out and pulling Regina to her. “Please.”

 

Regina ended up standing in front of Emma, Emma holding on to both of her hands and looking up at her from the chair. Regina looked uncertain, but she didn’t take back her offer. 

 

“Are you asking me...?” Emma bit her lip and let out a nervous breath. “Is there more to the question?” 

 

Regina swallowed audibly and nodded her head. She looked into Emma’s eyes as she spoke, her words precise, leaving no room for Emma to misinterpret what she was asking. “I’m asking if you would like to move in. The second floor would be yours and the baby’s. You already have a room here, and I know this feels like a big step–” 

 

“A huge one,” Emma mumbled, her heart still going crazy inside her chest. 

 

Regina nodded, that understanding look of hers present. “I wouldn’t be asking you this if I didn’t think it was a good idea. It feels - -” she pursed her lips and looked away for a moment as she searched for a word, “- - rational.” 

 

Emma snorted a little, shaking her head. “I like it better when you speak from your heart. Don’t tell me it’s rational. Tell me what you’re feeling.” 

 

Regina rolled her eyes as she rubbed her fingers over Emma’s hands. “I don’t want to overwhelm you.” 

 

“You aren’t. I just...” Emma looked down and watched the way Regina touched her. She was always so gentle, so caring. “I get how you see it’s rational. I’m here more than I’m not nowadays. I sorta did, accidentally, take over your guest room. I get it. But, you’re asking me to move in, Regina. That’s more than a rational decision.” 

 

“You’re right,” Regina said. 

 

“So?” 

 

“I want you here with me,” Regina said simply, six words. 

 

And although Emma knew there was more, knew there were things she wasn’t saying, Emma thought that was enough. “Okay.” 

 

“Okay?” 

 

“I’ll think about it.” She bit her lip, looking into Regina’s eyes. “This isn’t something I have to decide on right now or I lose the chance, right?” 

 

Regina shook her head, a slow smile forming on her lips. “Take your time. Neither the room nor I are going anywhere.”  


	20. Chapter 20

**June 2006**

 

It had been two weeks since Regina asked Emma to move in, and Emma still hadn’t given her an answer. She had, however, thought about it every day. In fact, she had probably spent too much time thinking about what it would be like living with Regina. Although she was sure it most likely appeared like she hadn’t given Regina an answer yet because she was unsure about living with her, that just wasn’t the case. 

 

She’d known almost immediately that she wanted to accept Regina’s offer. That pull she felt to be closer to Regina had almost been enough to make her say yes right away. But she couldn’t do that. It felt like there was too much they needed to talk about before she could, and she hadn’t been able to bring any of it up. 

 

Despite Emma not giving a proper response, Regina had still given her a set of keys. They were on a keychain that had yellow daffodils hanging from it, which had made Emma smile as soon as she saw it. She hadn’t informed Regina back when she was joking about bringing Emma the flowers for their next date that she actually did like them. She hadn’t told the other woman that they were one of her favorite types of flowers, even though she didn’t care much about flowers. But knowing Regina still remembered the little detail from months before meant a lot to Emma. Even though she had only used them twice, once the day after receiving them, and then again earlier in the evening because Regina hadn’t been at the townhouse when she got there, she still smiled a little every time she looked at them.

 

It had been hours since Emma arrived, and it was the first time she had been alone in the house for longer than a few minutes. She had used the house phone to call Regina’s cell to let her know she was there, but Regina had only been able to quickly tell Emma she wouldn’t be able to leave anytime soon. Emma hadn’t asked if she should just go to her apartment. She had no desire to be there, and she figured Regina wouldn’t mind her being at the house by herself. If she were to move in, she would be there without Regina quite often once the baby came, anyway. It had felt like a good time to test out what it was like being at the townhouse without Regina, without having plans or things to do. 

 

She had showered after struggling for far too long to get her shoes off, officially no longer able to comfortably reach her feet. Afterwards, she had lain down in bed for twenty minutes before her bladder demanded she get up. She hadn’t felt like getting dressed, but she had forced herself to stop walking around in a towel after awhile, even if she was by herself. Clothes had felt like too much effort, as had walking down to the kitchen when she got hungry. Cooking, however, had meant she would have food, and she had done that without much groaning as music played out in the living room and spilled into the kitchen. 

 

By the time she had her food done, what Emma had discovered about being in the house without Regina was that, although she missed her, it didn’t feel all that different from how it usually was. It was quieter, and nobody responded when she spoke. She preferred staying in the kitchen or upstairs, thought the empty living room was too big when she was on her own. But, overall, everything was normal. She didn’t feel like she was trespassing. It didn’t feel like she needed to worry about someone catching her in the house. It felt, strangely, wonderfully, like she belonged there. 

 

* * *

 

Emma woke up from a dream about searching for a bathroom with a groan and slowly got up from the bed, her back and limbs and everything else feeling overused and sore. She yawned all the way to the bathroom and was certain she was on the verge of falling asleep in the short amount of time she spent in there. However, as soon as she was back in bed, pillows strategically placed around her for maximum comfort, she felt a sharp jab just below her ribcage that woke her right up.

 

“Please don’t do that,” she whined sleepily, putting her hand at the top of her belly and holding it there. “Let me sleep for once, please. I’m so tired.” 

 

Her bedroom door cracked open a few inches and a bright light tried spilling into her room. “Emma?” she heard, Regina’s quiet, concerned voice. 

 

“You’re home,” Emma said in response, squinting at the doorway. “And blinding me,” she added. 

 

“Oh,” Regina said, slipping into the room and shutting the door behind her. “I’m sorry. I heard your voice and wanted to make sure everything was okay.” 

 

Emma smiled dopily. “You’re a sweetheart, you know that?” 

 

Regina’s laughter was light and floaty in the dark, moving from the door and swirling around Emma inside her bed. “You tend to compliment me when you’re exhausted. I know that.” 

 

“Sleepy Emma is  _ very _ honest. You should like her.” 

 

“I like all versions of you, Emma.” 

 

Emma buried her grin against her pillow for a moment, feeling a happy flutter in her chest. “I made you dinner,” she said suddenly, remembering the food she had put aside for Regina when she cooked. 

 

“I saw, as well as your goodnight Post-it,” she told her, her smile in her voice. “It was delicious, thank you. I wasn’t expecting to come home to dinner, especially after unexpectedly being held up at the office. I wasn’t sure if you would be staying, to be honest.” 

 

“Thought you might like coming home to me,” Emma said, trying to see Regina’s face in the dark but only able to see her silhouette. “I also really didn’t want to get back on the train. All those stairs...” 

 

“I did.” 

 

“Hmm?” Emma hummed in question. “You did what?” 

 

“Like coming home to you, even if you were already in bed when I arrived. Seeing your things downstairs–” 

 

“Did I forget to put something up?” Emma asked, worried about leaving a mess somewhere. She wasn’t messy, but Regina, magically or something, kept the house in tip-top shape, and Emma sometimes left things where they didn’t belong. 

 

Regina made a small noise in her throat that was almost a laugh. “No, Emma, only a book on the kitchen table that hadn’t been there when I left this morning.” 

 

Emma nodded, her eyes feeling heavy. “I’m sorry for falling asleep. I really did try waiting for you.” 

 

“Don’t apologize for sleeping. That should be your top priority at night, not waiting for the workaholic who stays at the office too many hours when she has someone she could have been spending time with at home. I should be the one apologizing.” 

 

“Nah. It sounded busy. Unless you were avoiding me–” 

 

“I wouldn’t dare.” 

 

Emma hummed a pleased sound. “Didn’t think so. You had work to do. I get that. Sometimes things come up that are unexpected. I can handle it.” 

 

“You can?” Regina asked, hesitant and soft. 

 

Emma nodded. “As long as you can handle my morning grumpiness the next day because I didn’t get to end my night with you.”

 

Regina laughed again. 

 

“I’m serious,” Emma said, grinning as she tried to keep her eyes open. 

 

“Okay,” Regina said. “I can handle your morning grumpiness.” 

 

“Good.”

 

Regina hummed and didn’t say anything for a moment. “I’ll see you in the morning,” she whispered, moving. “Try to get some sleep.” 

 

Emma pouted, leaning up on her arm and struggling to adjust her eyes so she could see more than shades of black and gray. “You just got here. Don’t leave.” 

 

Regina didn’t open the door, might have turned her head to look over her shoulder. 

 

“You can, um.” Emma cleared her throat, absently plucking at the sheets. “Stay with me. Sleep in here with me tonight, I mean.” When Regina didn’t immediately respond, Emma got a nervous feeling in her stomach that was almost as bad as the baby’s late-night kickboxing match with her ribcage. “If you wanna. You don’t have to. I just–” 

 

“Shh.” Regina slipped out of the room for just long enough to turn off the light outside of it, and then she was back, crossing the room and slipping into bed with Emma. 

 

Emma smiled and went through the process of readjusting again, moving pillows around so she could face Regina. She wanted to be able to see her, to talk to her a little while longer. She’d missed her. 

 

That almost laugh was in Regina’s throat again as she sat up a little in the bed. “Is this what it’s like every night?” 

 

“The pillows?” Emma asked, huffing out a loud breath as she put one behind her back. Regina hummed positively. “Yep. Pain in the ass, but sleeping without them is impossible. Sleeping  _ with _ them feels impossible, too.” She rolled her eyes and sighed heavily. “Nobody ever told me about this part of pregnancy. I either can’t sleep because I have to pee at least once an hour, my back and everything else is bothering me, or the baby is trying to kick its way free.” 

 

Regina yawned and settled beside Emma once more when she stopped moving. “If you need one, I can give you another massage.” 

 

Emma snorted, smiling as she stared at Regina’s face and forced her eyes to recognize her features in the dark. “You sound like you need to be sleeping, not offering to give out massages. I’ll be okay.” 

 

Regina’s hand reached out and found Emma’s side. “Are you sure?” 

 

Emma nodded against the pillow. “I’m sure.” 

 

Regina lightly squeezed her fingers down and then pulled away. “If you change your mind...” 

 

Emma hummed, yawning largely. “How long have you been home? You’re already dressed for bed,” she noted, making out the thin straps on her her shoulders, the satin nightgown catching the tiny bit of light that was in the room and appearing shimmery, silver in the muted grays of the room. 

 

“An hour or so. I was in the office. I couldn’t sleep.” 

 

Emma hummed again, and then she yawned again as well. “What are you working on?” 

 

Regina shifted so she was on her stomach, her arms folded on the pillow, her head resting atop them. “There was a water main break earlier today. I don’t know if you heard about it.” 

 

“Uh-uh.” 

 

“Hmm. Well, it caused chaos, as one would expect it would. It happened just down the street from me. Everything was flooded. We had several meetings that needed to be canceled.” 

 

“That’s why you were stuck at the office? Because of the water main break and the aftermath of it?” 

 

“Precisely. I just got off the phone–” 

 

“This late. It must be after midnight.” 

 

Regina’s smile curved slowly. “It’s much later than that, actually.” 

 

Emma pouted as she reached out and touched Regina’s face. “When do you sleep?” 

 

“In my daydreams, of course.” 

 

Emma smiled and slid her hand into Regina’s hair, twisted the silky strands between her fingers. “Are you sure bringing a baby into the house will be a good idea?” Regina’s eyes suddenly looked bigger. Emma brushed Regina’s ear with her thumb and then let her hand settle on her shoulder. “I don’t want to do this if it’s going to create problems for you.” 

 

“Have you–?” Regina paused. “That seems to imply that you would like to move in.” 

 

Emma nodded. “I do – with one condition.” 

 

“Let me hear it,” Regina responded easily. 

 

“Now?” 

 

“Oh.” Regina paused again, her shoulder lifting and falling beneath Emma’s hand. “You’re right. You’re supposed to be sleeping. We can talk about this tomorrow.” 

 

Emma bit the corner of her lip, studying the outline of Regina’s face, the slope of her nose, the curve of her mouth. She smiled to herself. “I want to pay for something, like electricity or gas or water.” 

 

“You do  _ not _ want to pay for water, trust me,” Regina said with a slight laugh as her eyes danced across Emma’s face, the white around the darkness glittering. 

 

“Something,” she told her again. “I don’t want this living together thing to mean you start thinking I can’t take care of myself, that I can’t do things on my own. I don’t want...” She stopped suddenly when she felt Regina’s fingers on her skin, sliding over her cheek. 

 

“If anything, this living arrangement reveals more about me than it does you.” 

 

Emma’s brow furrowed. “How so?” 

 

Regina’s shoulder moved beneath Emma’s hand again, bones shifting underneath smooth skin. “I’m tired of being alone,” Regina whispered, her words heavy with meaning, her voice soft as it floated in the air like a feather. “I do believe this would be good for you and the baby, but I also want you here because I miss having you around when you’re gone. It’s too quiet. It’s always been this way – the house too big, me rather being at work instead of at home. I thought I was used to it, but, it would seem, I was only fine with what I had because I didn’t know what the alternative was like.” 

 

Emma shuffled closer to Regina, wrapped an arm around her shoulders the best she could. It was awkward and a little uncomfortable, but she had an overwhelming need to hold Regina closer to her and she wouldn’t let her huge stomach and aching back stop her. Regina hummed a pleased sound in her throat. 

 

Emma stayed like that until she felt a harsh kick and took it as a sign that the baby did not approve of her positioning. “You don’t think it’s too soon?” she questioned quietly once she was settled back against her pillow. 

 

“Too soon for whom?”

 

“Just... You know...” Emma bit her bottom lip, inquiring eyes searching Regina’s. 

 

Regina raised up her head and cradled it with one of her hands, looking at Emma for a long moment before she licked her lips and spoke. “Does it feel as though it’s too soon for you?” Emma shook her head in the negative. “Well, then, it’s not too soon. The only people this decision will have any meaningful effect on are in this room, and we’re in agreement that it’s not too soon.”

 

“But...” Emma let out a soft breath. “I know that’s a big thing for you, not worrying about what others think, but...” 

 

Regina smiled gently. “There is no required length of time before you can live with someone, Emma,” she said softly. “There have been marriages between people who knew each other for less time than we have before they decided to combine their lives.”

 

Emma snorted. “And how long do those marriages actually last? Not long, I’m sure.” 

 

“Of course they don’t all last long, but there have been successful marriages to start off that way.” Regina cleared her throat. “I’m not proposing marriage, as it is. I want to share a home with you, and someone else’s idea of what is an appropriate time or reason does not matter to me.” 

 

Emma nodded, accepting Regina’s response. “Does this change anything else between us?” she wondered aloud. 

 

Regina seemed surprised by the question, her eyes widening slightly. “Our friendship, you mean?” 

 

“Yeah.”

 

She gave her head a definite shake as she answered. “Not unless that was something you wanted to change. It’s as it always has been. Whatever we’re comfortable with.” 

 

“No expectations,” Emma whispered, running her fingers through Regina’s hair and letting out a soft breath. “I like that.” Regina smiled, her cheek muscles shifting beneath Emma’s fingers as she slowly moved them over her face. “It feels more honest, you know? If something happens, it happens because we want it, not because we think it needs to happen.” 

 

Regina nodded silently, her eyes staying focused on Emma as her fingers traced the curves and lines on Regina’s face. The brunette’s breaths were softly puffing out between parted lips, warm against Emma’s fingertips when she, after pausing, let her fingers brush over Regina’s mouth. Regina’s lashes fluttered and a small hum formed in her throat. 

 

Emma grinned at her and pulled her hand back, her heart beating with excitement as Regina’s eyes lowered to Emma’s mouth. She licked her lips and reached for Regina’s hand. “I’m really glad I met you,” she said as her fingers slid over the back of Regina’s hand, over raised bones and knuckles, pushing her hand flat against the bed. Their fingers laced together with each other, like they so often did, fitting together, curling into the sheets. 

 

Regina laid her head down close to Emma’s and whispered, “As am I.” 

 

* * *

 

Emma had woken up beside Regina three times during the night, but it was waking up and seeing her in the morning light that made her heart feel like it was overflowing with warmth. There was something incredibly tender about Regina when she slept, her face relaxed, her jaw loose. There were creases on her face, little signs of sleep that would linger after she woke up. Emma thought they were cute, that Regina was cute when she was sleeping. She wanted to reach out and caress her face, but she refrained from doing so, didn’t want to risk waking her.

 

She thought about the night before as she silently laid beside Regina. She had agreed to move in, to live in Regina’s oversized house with too many floors and too many rooms. Thinking about it like that, seeing the big picture of it all instead of what it meant for the two of them, made it feel like too much. But thinking about what Regina had said, how she was tired of being alone, and imagining what it would be like getting to spend more time with Regina, made taking this next step feel like the best option for them. 

 

Her hand absently moved to stroke her belly as she tried to picture the two of them with a baby. It used to be difficult imagining the baby growing inside her being a real, breathing, living thing one day. She still couldn’t fully picture it, couldn’t see a face, or hair, or even think of them as a certain gender. But she could imagine the sound of gurgling and crying; she could picture herself watching the baby sleep. And, as she laid there looking at her, Emma could picture Regina holding the baby, her face so soft, so loving, the same way she was when she let her hands rest on Emma’s stomach. 

 

A word kept popping up in her thoughts, one that felt almost completely foreign to her but somehow fitting, appropriate, all right for her to use. It was, perhaps, unconventional, different from what was expected, but she and Regina were becoming a family, the two of them and the little one in her belly. She didn’t know how Regina pictured living together would go, but she knew Regina wasn’t just looking for a housemate. To believe that would mean to ignore everything that was between them, their connection that was like nothing Emma had ever known before. 

 

Regina had been there with Emma through her pregnancy almost every step of the way – making sure Emma was eating properly and getting the vitamins she needed, sending her useful information to read, making her watch a horrible video that talked about labor and what to expect, giving her massages and leg rubs when she was achy, and so much more. She had already done more than one would expect from a friend, more than Emma expected from anyone, and now she was giving them a place to live, something that felt permanent and sure, a home.

 

Emma forgot that she was supposed to keep her hands to herself so she wouldn’t wake Regina. Her thoughts were overwhelming her. She needed to hold Regina’s hand, to feel her, needed something to keep her present. Regina was a light sleeper, Emma discovered, and her fingers automatically wrapped around Emma’s, squeezing as Regina groaned and moaned into the pillow, not opening her eyes but waking up. 

 

“Mornin’,” she mumbled raspily, turning into the pillow as she yawned. 

 

Emma’s heart started racing for an entirely different reason. She always thought Regina was attractive, but she was soft and unguarded and absolutely beautiful as she woke up, tousled hair and scrunchy face as she yawned. For a brief moment, she allowed herself to imagine waking up like this more often. She imagined what it would be like falling asleep holding Regina’s hand, or all of Regina once the baby was born, and waking up with her still there. It made her feel dizzy just thinking about it. 

 

“Hey,” she finally responded when Regina’s eyes blinked open. 

 

Regina smiled sleepily. “Hey,” she repeated. 

 

Emma reached out the arm that was under her head at the top of the bed and let her fingers brush Regina’s hair back from her face. “I didn’t mean to wake you,” she said apologetically. 

 

Regina turned her head to yawn again, laughing lightly. “I’m not quite certain I’m awake, so it’s all right.” 

 

Emma smiled at Regina. “You’re cute.” 

 

Regina’s face scrunched up at the word. “I am not.” 

 

Emma hummed in her throat, knowing Regina would protest but not bothered in the slightest. “I think you’re cute.” 

 

“Like a kitten,” Regina murmured. 

 

“Hmm?” 

 

Regina laughed as she shook her head. “The day we met, you said that to me. Remember? You were so distracted by my  _ cuteness _ that you rode on the wrong train without even realizing it.” She smirked, and Emma groaned as she remembered how embarrassing that had been. “You intrigued me from the very first day,” she said, her eyes dancing as they looked at Emma, a shyness to her smile that Emma wasn’t used to but found pretty. “But I couldn’t have even imagined how important you would soon be to me.” 

 

Emma felt her cheeks pulling, her smile big and bright as she looked into Regina’s eyes. She didn’t say anything, not then. She just wanted to look at Regina, keep the memory of the moment she realized she loved her in her head so she would always know – because she did, she loved Regina Mills, and there was nothing quite as wonderful as the feeling she had in her heart as she looked at her. 

 


	21. Chapter 21

**June 2006**

 

If Emma kept a diary, the entry for the day she moved would have started something like:

 

_Dear stupid, useless diary,_

 

_I’m officially thirty-three weeks pregnant and this somehow translates to incapable in Regina’s head. Movers, a truck... I moved across the country with a CAR!_

 

As it was, Emma did not keep a diary, so her thoughts were being huffed out as she watched strangers bring her things out of the apartment. She wasn’t allowed to get up from the basement stairs, wasn’t even supposed to be back inside after Regina made her sit in the car with the too-friendly driver who, apparently, had been driving Regina around for four years.

 

It wasn’t like Emma even had much stuff. They could have piled it all in the trunk of the sedan, honestly. She had a few boxes, some bags, and a crate full of books. She understood needing something bigger than the car for the crib and changing table they were picking up on the way to the townhouse, but not for her apartment. It felt excessive. But it wasn’t like Regina was allowing her to help any. She hadn’t even let her pack her own things. Regina had done it all for her, made Emma sit on the bed and direct her, let her know what was coming and what would be staying.

 

“Are you seriously going to pout all day?” Regina asked, coming out of the apartment with her hands on her hips.

 

Emma exaggerated her pout.

 

Regina shook her head and moved to stand in front of her. She placed her hands on Emma’s cheeks and looked at her with an interesting look in her eyes. For a moment, Emma thought she might kiss her – and for that moment, Emma didn’t know what air was or what it was like being able to breathe. But Regina did not kiss her.

 

“I’m not going to apologize for thinking about you and the baby. Even if you _can_ lift the boxes yourself, you certainly shouldn’t be,” Regina told her, pulling her hands back and clasping them in front of her. “So, if you’re going to be upset with me all day, I hope you realize that the reason you’re upset with me is because I’m looking out for the both of you.”

 

Emma huffed out a breath. “Don’t use all your logic to make me feel bad for being upset. Just let me pout and be upset.”

 

“Very well, Emma. Pout and be upset,” Regina said. “Please do so in the car, though. We’re ready to go.”

 

Emma held out her hand, silently asking for help up from the uncomfortable stairs. “I need to make sure everything’s out myself first, then we can go.”

 

Regina nodded and pulled Emma up, thankfully not pointing out that she couldn’t even get up by herself. “Don’t be long.”

 

Emma responded with a hum and walked back to the opened apartment door, feeling a small amount of sadness as she walked inside. It looked like it did in January when she first moved in, just a bed, a bookshelf, and the too-bright light that hummed. It felt weird seeing it empty again. For almost six months her stuff had filled the emptiness, even if it wasn’t much, but now it was just like it had been when she moved in. It reminded her how easy it was to go through life without leaving a mark.

 

She walked into the tiny kitchen area and stepped on the broken tile that shifted under her weight, a half-smile appearing on her lips at the sound of its familiar creak. It may have never felt like a home to her, but it had been hers, and she would miss small things like knowing where the floor creaked and exactly where the handle on the shower needed to be for the perfect temperature. She was looking forward to living with Regina, to what came next in her life, but she suddenly realized that she was saying goodbye to the first accomplishment she had made that had been a big deal for her. She had gone through a lot to start her life over, and getting the apartment had been her first step. Now, Emma had to say goodbye to it.

 

Her heart felt heavy as she walked over to the bed and sat down. She slowly scooted back and put her hand on the wall. She closed her eyes and focused on the very subtle vibration in the wall that was always there. It wasn’t the loud rumble that sounded like the trains, just the low hum and pulsation. She used to jokingly say that the walls were alive when she would talk to the baby aloud at night when they kept her up, and that, too, brought a small smile to her lips.

 

Living in her little shoebox apartment hadn’t been all that bad, she decided, opening her eyes and looking around again. The journey her eyes took came to an end as she stopped at the door when she noticed she had an audience. Regina was silently watching her, leaning against the doorframe. Emma smiled at her and let out a heavy breath.

 

“I sold my car to move in here,” she told her, moving her eyes to look around. “Well, it was both my and Neal’s car, and I didn’t get much for it anyway, but...” She shrugged, groaning as she pushed herself up from the bed. “You would think I’d be used to switching houses and stuff by now, but this one feels different.”

 

Regina held out her hand at the door, waiting patiently for her. “Perhaps it’s because you’ve made the decision to leave this time. You’re choosing where you go next, nobody else.”

 

Emma hummed thoughtfully, taking Regina’s hand. “Maybe.” She turned off the lightswitch, killing the hum. “Choosing does feel nice, though – as does going somewhere I know I’m wanted.”

 

The edges around Regina’s eyes crinkled as she pulled the door shut. “Ready?”

 

Emma looked at the door and nodded. “Ready,” she said, noticing where she had chipped the door when she moved in. She smiled a little to herself. Maybe she did leave her mark after all.

 

* * *

 

Five hours later, it was official, so official that even her mail would be coming to the townhouse. All of her stuff was in her room, as was the crib and changing table Emma had bought that would be going into the nursery once it was ready. It felt _real,_ not just something they had talked about, not just a possibility, but the real deal. She officially lived with Regina.

 

And when the doorbell rang downstairs and she remembered Regina had gone to the market to pick up some salmon for dinner, Emma realized _she_ had to answer the door. It was her door now, too. She could answer the door and the phone – not that she planned on doing much of either, but she could. It was kinda strange, but not strange in a bad way. It was different strange.

 

The doorbell rang a second time as she was walking down the stairs. “Talk about impatient,” she breathed out as she walked – waddled – to the door. The stairs were probably the only issue Emma found with her new living situation, but she was mostly okay with them if she didn’t feel like she had to hurry up and down them. She was already out of breath as it was. She didn’t need to rush.

 

When she opened the second door and came face to face with a man in his mid-to-late twenties, her eyebrow raised questioningly. She knew a few of the neighbors from her visits, and despite not having met any of them yet, she was pretty sure she knew Regina’s friends from pictures she had seen, what few there were. She was also sure they wouldn’t show up with a bouquet of flowers on a Saturday evening.

 

“Um.” She looked him over in his khakis and polo shirt. “Yes?”

 

He looked her over her as well, first surprised – probably by her lack of proper manners when opening the door, not that she even knew if there was a such thing – and then with confusion. “I was looking for Regina Mills,” he said, looking past her shoulder.

 

Emma pulled the door closer to her and blocked the entrance. “Okay. That’s nice. And you are...?”

 

His brow furrowed. “Daniel. Does Regina no longer live here?” he asked, pulling out his cell phone.

 

Emma thought the name sounded vaguely familiar, but she couldn’t think of why. He could have been a stalker or a creepy weirdo with a crush on Regina. Emma wasn’t just about to hand Regina over to him, even if all he had asked was if she still lived there.

 

“Sorry, I don’t know who you’re talking–” she started saying, but she was interrupted by the sound of Regina, appearing seemingly out of nowhere, calling the well-dressed man by his name, definitely not like one would a stalker.

 

“Daniel Colter,” she said, his name floating off her tongue with a lightness that made Emma instantly shrink back. “I thought that was you.”

 

He turned with smiling eyes, everything between them feeling heavy with familiarity as he said her name and swiftly moved down the stairs. Regina’s eyes softened as she looked at him, and then Emma could remember why his name sounded like one she should know. Seeing him hug her, lift her, spin around as she laughed and it looked like the stars were in her eyes, reminded her of the way something warm and happy flitted across her face when she mentioned him in the past. He was the high school boyfriend who had joined the military, the one that Regina still smiled about.

 

Something hot and angry twisted in her stomach as they laughed together, Regina looking up into his eyes like nothing else existed. Emma felt out of place, like she was intruding. She slowly moved backward and then turned around and went back into the house, leaving the doors open for Regina. She wanted to push away the feeling she was experiencing, but she couldn’t do that if she didn’t get away from what was causing it.

 

She frowned as she walked into the living room. She moved to get her book off the coffee table, planning on going upstairs to read until the feeling passed. She would sit in the kitchen, but she imagined Regina would be bringing Daniel inside, and she thought it would be best if she gave her her space. It was Emma’s first day living in the house, and she didn’t want to make Regina regret it already by being in the way when she had company over.

 

She was just about to walk up the stairs when the outside door closed and the sound of Regina and Daniel talking filled the air. Regina caught her eyes and hurried over to the stairs, holding a hand up to silence Daniel as the other was held out for Emma to take. Emma just wanted to escape, but she let Regina bring her over to where Daniel was locking the second door.

 

Regina let go of her hand and waved it towards Emma while looking at Daniel. “Have you two already met? Daniel, this is Emma.”

 

“Ah, yes,” he said with a friendly smile. “The one who was just about to tell me she hadn’t any idea who you were,” he said with a laugh as he held out his hand.

 

Emma ignored it and shuffled uncomfortably. “Sorry. You could have been a killer impersonating a friendly friend. Just because you had flowers and nice clothes, didn’t mean I was automatically going to assume Regina would want you to know where she lived.”

 

He did that awkward thing with his hand when she didn’t shake it, moving it into his neatly cut short hair. “Fair enough,” he said, still smiling, albeit uncomfortably.

 

Regina gave Emma a subtle questioning look, but Emma didn’t respond to it. She looked between the two of them and then cleared her throat, a weird tension in the air.

 

Daniel put his hands in his pockets and, still smiling, said: “I hope my unannounced visit hasn’t caused any issues. I would have called, but I wanted for this to be a surprise.”

 

Regina smiled and reached out and squeezed his arm. “It was quite the surprise,” she said, that throat-chuckle of hers making Emma’s stomach twist, and not in the good way she was used to.

 

He removed one of his hands from his pocket and placed it over hers. “If I had known you had company–”

 

“She doesn’t,” Emma said, cutting him off, staring at their hands. She wanted to pull him off of her, make him stop touching her. “I live here.”

 

“Oh,” he said, surprised, looking her over and nodding his head.

 

She fidgeted and hated herself for it.

 

“We just finished moving her stuff upstairs not too long ago, actually,” Regina said, taking her hand from Daniel’s arm and smiling at Emma. “I think we were going to have dinner and a watch a movie as a way to sort of celebrate this new step.”

 

Emma looked down at the flowers in Regina’s hand and shook her head, forcing a smile. It was tight and not like what she was used to giving Regina, but it was all she could manage. “I think I’m actually going to go upstairs. I, um. I have some work to do.”

 

Regina’s brow furrowed.

 

Daniel didn’t look like he cared either way, but he waved a friendly hand, too polite, too smiley, and said: “Well, it was nice meeting you.”

 

And Emma just raised her brow in response, murmuring, “Right,” under her breath before turning back to the stairs and going up them. Her escape, of course, would have been better if she wasn’t pregnant and it didn’t feel like it took her a century and a half to get up the stairs.

 

There was a moment of silence down below, and then Regina told Daniel: “Please, make yourself comfortable. I’ll only be a few minutes.”

 

Regina followed Emma up the stairs and to her room, shut the door behind them and looked at Emma with a slightly annoyed expression. Emma avoided eye contact and sat down on her bed. She didn’t know if Regina was expecting her to say something, but she had nothing to say.

 

“You have work to do?” Regina asked with a small scoff. “Could you not even come up with a less obvious lie before blowing me off and being rude to Daniel?”

 

Emma rolled her eyes. “I wasn’t rude.”

 

“He tried to shake your hand–”

 

“Like he’s going to give a damn about me not wanting to shake his hand while he gets to reconnect with his high school sweetheart. Please.” Emma frowned bitterly, not having a good reason but knowing she didn’t like the guy. She had that feeling she got when she could feel someone about to replace her, and she didn’t like it.

 

Regina was silent, so Emma looked up at her. She let out a heavy breath as she contemplated something, her eyebrows pinching together a little. “Should I ask him to leave?”

 

“Why would you do that?”

 

Regina’s annoyed expression looked annoyed with Emma. “This is your house as much as it is mine, and I wouldn’t entertain a guest here that you’re uncomfortable having in your home. And, for whatever reason, you obviously do not like him. The rudeness was one thing–”

 

“I’ll apologize if that’ll make you happy,” she said with an eye roll that she regretted as soon as Regina’s eyes darkened and she turned away and left, not even finishing what she had been saying. The door shut with a booming thud.

 

Emma pouted miserably and stared at the floor, not wanting to move or do anything, just sit there in the quiet.

 

* * *

 

Emma had spent the last hour imagining what Regina and Daniel could be up to, only to find out that he wasn’t even downstairs. Her brow furrowed with confusion when Regina repeated the words she had said just seconds ago when she knocked on Emma’s door.

 

“Dinner is ready. Also, Daniel has left, so you can stop hiding up here.”

 

Emma looked away from Regina, her shoulders feeling heavy and her back aching. “I’m not hungry,” she told her, knowing Regina probably wouldn’t believe her lie for even a second.  

 

“Food’s in the oven,” Regina said simply, closing the door and leaving.

 

Emma turned her head and looked at the closed door, sighing, feeling tired. It was hard work being bitter. It was even more difficult being upset when she couldn’t figure out exactly why she felt as she did. It couldn’t have just been the feeling of being replaced that was bothering her, for she felt that more than she cared to admit. Even with Regina, Emma had felt that before. It was just one of those things she had accepted wouldn’t go away, no matter how many years went by.

 

There was more to it. She wasn’t even sure it was about Daniel anymore. The more she thought about it, the more he just didn’t seem to matter. But if not him, and not the feeling of someone taking her place, then what?

 

* * *

 

Eventually, Emma decided to go downstairs and have dinner. She wasn’t sure how long she had sat there getting lost in her thoughts, but the sun was going down and the kitchen was almost dark. She flipped on a switch and nearly jumped out of her skin when she noticed Regina sitting at the table. She was drinking from a wine glass, her back perfectly straight, her eyes distant.

 

Emma moved from the stairs and went to the oven and removed the baking dish from it. She made it halfway through preparing her plate of food before Regina turned to look at her. Emma stopped dipping up her vegetables and held Regina’s eyes, wanting to apologize but not finding any of the words she should say. Regina didn’t say anything either, just looked at Emma for a moment and then turned back to her wine. Emma sighed.

 

Regina finished her wine and then brought the glass to the sink. She turned to look at Emma again, and this time she told her: “Your jealousy is unnecessary.”

 

And as much as Emma tried to tell herself that she wasn’t jealous as she spent the next ten minutes eating alone, she knew that was exactly what she was. That feeling she hadn’t been able to name – or had refused to name – was jealousy. It had twisted inside her, sharp and painful when she saw the smiles shared between Regina and Daniel, the way he could make her laugh.

 

Emma liked being the person Regina looked happiest with. Of course, she loved seeing her happy in general, thought a smile as beautiful as Regina’s should be appreciated and seen by the whole world. But, Emma liked it best when that smile was given to her and she was the one to cause it. She liked when it was just the two of them and she could feel how important she was to the other woman, how much she meant to her. She liked when _she_ was the one Regina was looking at when the stars were twinkling in her eyes.

 

Emma knew she couldn’t leave things the way they were for the night. After the kitchen was tidy, she went upstairs, prepared to go all the way up to the third floor but glad to see the light on in the office. She lingered at the stairs for a moment, letting her breaths even out, and then walked over to the nearly empty room. Regina was packing up a box to be brought upstairs, the desk and chair already gone, Regina crouched down in the middle of the room.

 

She cleared her throat, wishing for pockets to put her hands in. “I was an asshole earlier and I ruined the night. And don’t tell me I didn’t, because I know I did. This was our first night officially living together and we didn’t even spend it with each other.” She rubbed the back of her neck. “I’m sorry for being a jerkface.”

 

Regina went from silently listening with an open look to smirking at her, shaking her head. “Well, as long as you’re sorry for being a jerkface, I guess we can move past this.”

 

Emma bit the corner of her lip as heat tickled the nape of her neck. She rubbed it again. “I just mean, I’m sorry that I got all jealous and messed up our dinner and movie night.”

 

Regina nodded, standing up and brushing her hands down her jeans. “Thank you for apologizing. Perhaps we can try again tomorrow.”

 

“You sure? You’re not too mad at me?”

 

Regina came closer and leaned against the doorframe, standing directly in front of Emma. “I’m a little upset, yes. However, I will be more than happy to watch a movie with you tomorrow.” She tucked her fingers into the pocket of her tight jeans and gave her shoulder a little shrug. “It was just unexpected.”

 

“My jealousy?”

 

Regina hummed in her throat as she nodded. “Yes. I know sometimes you need reassurance with certain things, but I thought that this - -” she gestured between them, “- - was something you were sure about. I thought you knew where you stood with me.”

 

Emma swallowed, looking down at the floor, their feet. “I do. I know.” She shrugged. “It was just seeing the two of you and– you should have seen the look in your eyes. You looked so _happy_ and content, and I, I don’t know, I just want to be the person you look at like that. I want to be the person who makes you _feel_ like that.”

 

Regina tucked her fingers beneath Emma’s chin and made her lift her head. Regina was smiling at her and shaking her own head, one of those fond looks in her eyes. “Emma,” she whispered softly, slowly, letting Emma’s name roll off her lips.

 

Emma almost let her eyes shut, warmth swirling inside her from the way her name sounded when Regina said it. If she had, she would have missed the way Regina was looking at her as two hands slid over her cheeks to frame her face. Emma thought so often that she could get lost in the richness of Regina’s eyes, but it looked like Regina was getting lost in _her_ eyes, the most beautiful smile taking over Regina’s features, gently pulling at her lips and crinkling her eyes. She looked enraptured.

 

“You already are,” Regina whispered sweetly, letting her thumbs stroke the tops of Emma’s cheeks tenderly. “Do you see the look in my eyes right now, Emma?”

 

Emma nodded mutely, not sure words would even leave her mouth if she tried to make them. It felt like her heart was in her throat from how harshly it was thumping in her chest.

 

“This is the look I get in my eyes when I look at the person who makes me feel happy and content. Whenever I’m looking at you, the look in my eyes is the one I get when I am experiencing the most profound happiness I have felt in quite some time.”

 

The look Regina was giving Emma was the most beautiful thing Emma had ever seen. And she knew she thought that often, but Regina was breathtaking and stole Emma’s breath over and over again, made her dizzy with only her smile.

 

Regina leaned forward and let her eyes drift down to Emma’s mouth. “Emma,” she whispered again, her name so soft leaving Regina’s mouth. It had never felt safer.

 

Emma licked her lips, spinning before she even reached her hand out and cupped Regina’s cheek. “Yes,” she breathed out, the single word seeming to shake as it left her mouth. She pulled her lower lip between her teeth, nervous – but it was the good kind of nervous.

 

Regina slid her hand down and let her thumb touch Emma’s lip, slowly pulling it free from the teeth that had captured it. Emma’s breath rushed out, her eyes fighting to stay open, not wanting to miss a second. Regina rubbed her own lips together and leaned her head forward, mindful of Emma’s pregnant belly. Her head tilted, her eyes hypnotizing as they looked into Emma’s.

 

“May I?” Regina breathed out, their lips nearly touching, her breath warm. “May I kiss you, Emma?”

 

Emma heard the whimper before she even processed that it had come from her. Her cheeks heated as she nodded, her nose lightly touching Regina’s and sending a shiver through her body. The intimacy of that alone threatened to undo Emma at her seams, just their noses brushing before they kissed.

 

“Yes,” Emma answered verbally when Regina did not immediately move in and kiss her like she thought she might.

 

Regina hummed and tilted her head to the other side, her fingertips tracing Emma’s jaw as her breath played against Emma’s lips. “Yes,” Regina repeated, her voice smooth like honey – and warm, so incredibly warm as it wrapped around Emma.

 

“Please,” Emma whispered, feeling like she had been waiting for hours, days, since the very beginning of time.

 

Regina smiled and closed the distance between their mouths, letting Emma _feel_ what her happiness felt like, the curves of her soft lips pressing against Emma’s mouth. Emma’s eyes closed slowly, her heart slowing down from its maddening pounding. Everything around them ceased to exist as Regina lightly brushed her lips over Emma’s mouth, kissing her so tenderly Emma’s entire being felt as though it shook as she sighed.

 

She realized her fingers were squeezing down against Regina’s cheek and relaxed her hand, slid it down to her neck as Regina slowly pulled away after just two slow brushes. Emma’s eyes stayed closed for a moment, her hand holding on to Regina. Her world had narrowed down to the warm press of Regina’s mouth, and now she needed a second to let everything else flood back in.

 

Her eyes slowly blinked opened. Regina was smiling softly at her, holding onto Emma’s shoulders. Emma licked her lips and let out a slow breath, returning Regina’s smile.

 

“Was that okay?” Regina asked quietly.

 

Emma nodded. “Yes,” she breathed.

 

Regina’s eyes crinkled around the edges as she leaned back in and kissed Emma’s cheek. “Goodnight, Emma,” she whispered sweetly, slipping past Emma and heading to the stairs.

 

Emma stood at the doorway for a few seconds before she turned around and whispered, “Goodnight,” to the empty hallway, her fingers reaching up to cover her lips as though she could hold the warmth of Regina’s mouth to them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're halfway through the fic. 
> 
> So here's your reminder to take a bathroom break, get something to drink, and eat something. 
> 
> Then, once you're finished, continue with our fave ladies.


	22. Chapter 22

**June 2006**

 

The very first time someone had kissed Emma, she had been eight years old. One of the boys in her class had been dared to kiss her during recess, right in front of  all the second and third graders. As everyone laughed and waited with intrigue-filled eyes, he had planted his gross mouth on hers while she was in the middle of saying something. Emma had wiped her lips with the back of her hand and then used it to slap him across the face, disgusted and embarrassed with everybody’s eyes on them. She had run into the school and ended up getting in trouble for hitting him and leaving the yard without asking. However, nothing had happened to the boy who had kissed her without her permission. 

 

The first time someone had kissed her when she wanted it to happen was ten years later. It had happened in a cheap motel with no heat in the middle of winter. Emma and Neal had been wrapped up in all the bedding, so close that she could only smell the mint from the gum they had split. She had asked him to kiss her, thought the moment called for it. It had been awkward. She had laughed into his mouth and then they stopped, just a little warmer from all their laughter than they had been before kissing. It hadn’t been what the moment needed, she had later decided, but it had felt nice. They hadn’t kissed much more during the time they spent together. 

 

Regina may not have given Emma her first kiss, but it was the first time that kissing someone had felt right. It wasn’t undesired or because it felt like the next logical step. Regina had pressed her soft lips to Emma’s and everything, as cliche as it might have been, felt like it was falling into place. 

 

* * *

 

Sunday had been a surprisingly productive day for Emma and Regina. The last of Regina’s belongings from the office had been removed and brought upstairs. The room had been cleaned from top to bottom, as had various other sections of their home. They had even gone around the townhouse and plugged the sockets, deciding that it was never too early to baby-proof, even if the baby probably wouldn’t be there for another seven weeks and it would be even longer before they were crawling around.

 

She put down the catalog she had been staring at but not seeing for over five minutes. She cleared her throat, seeing an automatic smile curl Regina’s lips. The brunette placed her own catalog on top of Emma’s legs – which were stretched out across the sofa, her feet on Regina’s lap. Regina’s neatly plucked eyebrow arched as she looked up to meet Emma’s waiting gaze. 

 

“Have you finally tired of trying to pretend you’re even remotely interested in picking out bedding? I was wondering how long it would take,” Regina said, draping her arm over the back of the sofa and leaning her head against it. She looked amused.

 

“Am I really that obvious?” Emma moaned. 

 

“To me you are, yes,” Regina said like it was a good thing.

 

Emma smiled a little at her and dampened her lips. “It’s not that I’m not interested in this stuff – because I am. They have these really cute booties with duck faces on them–” 

 

“I don’t think they’ll fit your feet, Emma. They certainly won’t anytime soon,” Regina said as she laughed, eyeing Emma’s swollen feet.

 

Emma rolled her eyes as she tried reaching Regina’s arm to swat it. However, she was barely able to reach the other end of the sofa because of how big her belly had gotten. It was like it had ballooned out of nowhere, and she wasn’t sure it could grow anymore without bursting open. “For the bug, not me.” 

 

Regina started to hum and nod, but then a look of distaste crossed her face as Emma’s words processed. “Did you just call the baby a bug?” she asked incredulously.

 

Emma beamed and nodded. “Yep. I was reading that babies come out with coned heads sometimes,” she told her, excited to share her find. “And, you know, they’re all wrinkly.” She half-shrugged. “Very informative blog, by the way. I’m surprised it didn’t make your list. Anyway. I was warning the baby they might come out with a cone-shaped head. I told them that I would still love them if they did, but I would be calling them Bug.” 

 

Regina looked absolutely horrified – which made Emma laugh. 

 

“It was better than a naked mole rat,” she justified. Regina shook her head with disbelief that made Emma’s smile only grow wider. “We can’t all be cute little kittens,” she teased, winking. 

 

Regina mock-glared at Emma. 

 

“One day you’ll accept the truth and admit that you’re a kitten, cute and feisty.”

 

“I wouldn’t hold my breath waiting for that to happen.” 

 

Emma shrugged her shoulder a little. “Still my kitten either way,” she said, grinning from ear to ear when Regina ducked her head to hide her smile. “Anyway. What was I saying? Oh, yeah. I want to finish up looking through these, but I’ve got a lot on my mind, I guess.” 

 

Regina hummed. “What’s on your mind?” 

 

What wasn’t on Emma’s mind? She couldn’t seem to focus on one thing for too long, and all of it felt important to her. She had a doctor’s appointment coming up, and she was wondering if she had already scheduled to have the day off from work. They needed to get the nursery ready before the baby arrived in less than two months, and she wasn’t sure they would have everything they needed. She needed to buy a breast pump, a stroller, loads of diapers, and she didn’t think she even had enough money in the bank to afford one single diaper. And then there was the kiss, the kiss they had gone an entire twenty hours without even mentioning despite the fact that Emma swore she could still feel it on her lips if she closed her eyes. 

 

Emma cleared her throat and asked a question she hadn’t known she was going to ask until it was already leaving her mouth. “Daniel, was he your first kiss?”

 

Regina seemed surprised by the question, but she nodded in answer. “He was. Why do you ask?” 

 

“Curiosity,” she answered vaguely. “Did he know you were trying to figure out your feelings towards girls?” 

 

“He did, yes,” Regina told her with a small smile, looking over towards the piano. “He was the only person I had told at the time. I was so nervous. Daniel wasn’t just my boyfriend. He was my best friend. I think I was more worried that he wouldn’t want to be friends anymore than I was that he might break up with me.” She shook her head. “I felt like I was hiding myself from the only person who had ever fully accepted me, though. I felt like I was being dishonest to both him and myself.”

 

Emma nodded in understanding. She knew how big being true to herself was for Regina, how the time Regina was talking about was probably around the same time she had started learning to be proud of who she was. “How did it go? I mean, you’re obviously still close.” 

 

“Quite well, actually. We did break up for a short time, but I don’t think that was because of my bisexuality. Looking back at it now, I appreciate him even more than I had at the time. That was such a difficult thing for me to do, and I knew it would come across as surprising for him – but he never made the situation about himself. He let me get out a lot of the thoughts I had never shared with anyone before. He listened. He comforted me when I needed it. We laughed and hugged, and it was... He knew what I needed, and he was there for me.”

 

“Sounds like he was a good guy,” Emma said, almost feeling bad for how she had brushed him off the day before. 

 

Regina smiled. “One of the best.” She laughed in her throat a little. “My father used to say that about him. I don’t know if he had ever known that Daniel and I were more than just friends, but I think he would have approved if he had. I couldn’t risk my mother finding out, so we never told anybody. She would have found a way to take that away from me like she did everything else I loved. But...” Regina smiled and gave her shoulders a small shrug. “Daniel made me happy, and my father always said that was all that mattered to him, that I was happy.” 

 

“I wish I could have met him,” Emma said after a quiet moment. “We would have had that in common, wanting to see you happy.” 

 

Warmth filled Regina’s eyes as she smiled at Emma. “And your love of libraries. He spent a lot of time going to them as well.” 

 

“Did he?” 

 

Regina nodded, rubbing her hand down Emma’s leg. “He’s the one who taught me that escaping didn’t take more than opening up a book. Growing up, he didn’t have much, but he had books. He taught me that even during the worst times in my life, there would always be another world out there for me to discover and immerse myself in until I could face this one. I had often wished he would do more about the way my mother treated me, but I never really gave him the credit he deserved for what he had done until it was too late.” 

 

Emma’s hand moved to rest on her belly as she listened to Regina softly speak about her father. When she was young and just wanted a family of her own, one that was permanent and had two parents, she had believed that would mean automatically being loved. The possibility that you could have that – the two parents, the kind of nice house Emma had always been envious of – and still not have a happy home had never crossed her mind. Her younger self would have never understood why anyone with everything Regina had growing up would want to escape. But she knew better now, knew that families weren’t always loving and happy, that sometimes you could have a family and feel like an outsider, like you didn’t belong. 

 

Regina cleared her throat. “Anyway. I’m sure that’s not what you wanted to discuss.” 

 

Emma looked up from where her eyes had fallen to watch Regina absently stroke her legs. She shook her head. “Not exactly, no. I wanted to, um...” She cleared her throat. “I wanted to talk about last night, the kiss.” 

 

“I thought so.” Regina smiled lightly, nodding. “I must admit, I’m a little surprised that you haven’t brought it up until now. I was expecting a minor - -” she twisted her lips as she paused suddenly, the way she did sometimes when searching for the words she wanted to use, “- - um–”

 

“Freak out,” Emma offered up. 

 

Regina smirked a little as she gave Emma a small nod. “I was also worried I might have done something you weren’t quite ready for.”

 

“I wanted you to kiss me,” Emma assured her quickly. 

 

“Oh, I know that,” Regina said, her eyes full of light as they latched onto Emma’s. “I doubt last night was even the first time you’ve wanted it. That isn’t what I meant.” 

 

She cleared her throat, hating how well Regina could read her – and secretly loving it at the same time. “I might have thought about it before. Maybe once or twice.” 

 

Regina’s brow merely raised with a mixture of intrigue and disbelief in response, clearly not buying that it had only been once or twice. “Having the desire doesn’t mean you’re ready, though. You can like the way something sounds in your head, enjoy the fantasy, but not actually be ready for the reality.”

 

“I was,” Emma told her, certain. “I wanted more than the thought of kissing you. I wanted...” She cleared her throat and looked away from Regina. It was like Regina could already see every private thought she had, and sometimes saying them aloud while Regina was looking at her with such deep eyes was difficult. “I wanted to know what your mouth felt like on mine. I wanted to be closer to you.”

 

Regina hummed a pleased sound. “And now? How do you feel about last night?” 

 

“What do you mean? Like, did I like it?” 

 

“Sure. Did you enjoy being kissed by me? Would you want it to happen again in the future, or should we remove it from the table of possibilities?”

 

“You should have warned me there would be a survey to fill out after the kiss,” Emma joked, laughing as she looked back up at Regina. 

 

“I’m only asking because I want to make sure we’re on the same page. I don’t like to assume these things.” 

 

“I know,” Emma said, nodding her head. “Okay. Um. Well. Yes, and yes. I mean, yes, I enjoyed it.” She licked her lips and lowered her voice, a small flutter in her belly as she admitted, “I was still smiling this morning before I came down for breakfast because of it. I can - -” she ran her teeth over her bottom lip, “- - mmm, still feel your lips on me.” 

 

Regina’s eyes dropped down to Emma’s mouth, her tongue slipping out to trace her own bottom lip. A low rumble formed in her throat, a little more than a hum, a sound that sent a shiver down Emma’s spine and made her skin heat with a rush of warmth. 

 

“And you would not be opposed to kissing in the future?” Regina questioned, her eyes still on Emma’s mouth. Her voice was lower, quieter, but her breath was heavy.

 

Emma shook her head from side to side, wondering if Regina was thinking about kissing her and if she would. She nearly shivered again at the thought, her lips tingling as though they were able to feel Regina’s mouth against her again. “You can kiss me,” she answered verbally, licking her lips. 

 

Regina mimicked Emma, her tongue sweeping across her pretty mouth slowly. Emma followed it, unable to look away. She hummed.

 

“Do you want to be kissed? By me, I mean.” She moved her feet off Regina’s lap and slowly moved herself closer to the brunette, her eyes searching Regina’s as she bent her head just enough to properly look at her. Emma swore Regina’s eyes were the most beautiful things on the planet, and she was instantly lost in them. “Would you like it, like it if I kissed you?” she whispered, sucking her lip into her mouth. 

 

Regina’s nod was slow but immediate. “Yes,” she answered, her voice cracking on the single word. She cleared her throat. “I would.” 

 

Emma’s heartbeat sped up as she leaned over to Regina. She traced the shape of Regina’s lips with her eyes and then looked up to find Regina watching her, focused completely on her. With the hand that wasn’t holding her up between them on the sofa, she reached over until her fingers glided over skin that was impossibly smooth and warm and she could curl her fingers around the back of Regina’s head.  

 

“I’d like to,” Emma told her softly, licking her lips for what felt like the hundredth time. She smiled shyly as she whispered, “Your lips were so soft. I wanted the kiss to last longer.” 

 

Regina smiled and shifted on the sofa, turned her body to Emma and pulled one of her legs up into the seat. Their faces were close, Regina’s breath on Emma’s lips. She smelt like honey, and Emma wondered if she would taste just as sweet. She felt a tickle in her throat at the thought of finding out, of getting to have the taste of Regina on her tongue.

 

Regina let go of Emma’s hand for a moment and carefully slid Emma’s glasses off, neatly folded them and put them aside. Emma blinked a few times before smiling at Regina. She could feel the heat leaking from Regina’s body and wanted to be submerged in it. It was inviting and she suddenly felt cold. She shivered.

 

“Come closer,” Emma whispered, placing her hand on Regina’s thigh. 

 

Regina’s breath jumped at the contact, the strong muscles in her thigh twitching beneath Emma’s unmoving hand. Regina scooted closer, and soon there were only a few inches between her mouth and the one she wanted to be kissing. The way Regina was looking at her, with want and desire that was heavy in her eyes and visible in the slight rush of her breaths, made Emma close that distance until there was absolutely nothing between their mouths but the soft sound of a pleased sigh. 

 

Emma wondered if it would feel like spinning out of control and then settling where she belonged every time they kissed. Her fingers curled down against Regina’s thigh and she slid her lips over Regina’s, her pulse loud in her ears. The thought of just being able to kiss Regina in the future made her breath shake as she parted her lips and sucked the other woman’s lower one between them. Imagine that, being able to feel the remarkably smooth caress of lips that seemed to kiss with the utmost delicacy over and over and over again. Emma moaned. 

 

A tiny moan followed her own, low and pleased in Regina’s throat. Emma flushed at the sound, heat sweeping through her body and prickling her skin. She kissed Regina harder, deeper, forgetting about finesse and running her teeth over Regina’s lip. Her heart thump-thump-thumped with the same exhilaration she could feel fluttering in her belly, zipping through her, running all the way down to her fingertips as she became overwhelmed with her need to have more of Regina. 

 

Regina answered her impatient need with another one of those throat noises. Without breaking their kiss, she pulled her second leg up onto the sofa and rose up onto her knees beside Emma. She made Emma lean back, her head tilting so she didn’t lose the sweet feeling of Regina's lips. Regina brushed the warm tips of her fingers over Emma’s jaw and then cupped her cheek, holding her still as her tongue, gentle and wet, traced the curve of Emma’s bottom lip before flicking over the second one. Emma couldn’t quiet the whine in her throat, everything starting to spin again.

 

“Slow down,” Regina whispered, breath tingling Emma’s wet lips. Regina lightly touched her cheek and then brushed her lips over one of Emma’s so slowly that it made her tremble. It was like Regina wanted to feel every millimeter of her lip, learn the exact shape of it with only her mouth. “Don’t rush. If you enjoy it,” Regina whispered against Emma’s mouth, taking her time to stroke her lips over Emma’s, “savor it.” 

 

Emma whimpered – and savored Regina’s mouth.

 

* * *

 

Much later in the evening, after Regina had kissed Emma absolutely breathless and then made the night even better by ordering pizza for dinner, Emma laid between Regina’s legs on the sofa, her head resting on Regina’s chest as they watched a movie together. Regina’s fingers were in Emma’s hair, nails against her scalp, gently stroking and massaging, sending soothing currents down her spine, her back, through her arms.

 

Emma had been the one to choose  _ The Karate Kid _ for their movie night, but her eyelids were droopy and she was sinking deeper and deeper into the most relaxed state she had ever been in. The only reason she had any clue what was going on in the movie was because she had seen it dozens of times in one of the houses she used to live in. 

 

Regina rolled the pads of her fingers in circles until she reached Emma’s temples. “Are you falling asleep?” Regina asked in an amused whisper, continuing her massage, working her magical fingers in tight spirals on either side of Emma’s head. 

 

Emma moved her head from the left to right as she was encouraged to roll her neck. “If you keep this up, I might,” she admitted just as quietly. 

 

“Mmm,” was Regina’s only response. 

 

The neck rolling continued until Regina pressed her head forward and slid a warm hand to the nape of Emma’s neck. Her fingers rubbed up and down and released the tiny bit of tension that was left, and  _ goodness gracious,  _ Emma was on the verge of becoming a puddle. When she allowed a breathy sound that was almost a moan to escape, Regina hummed and soothingly slid her fingers from the right side of Emma’s neck to the left and then made wide, deep circles along the side of her neck. She was completely gone from the real world after that, in some blissful place where she wasn’t always achy and tired. 

 

* * *

 

“Let’s get you to bed,” Emma heard against her ear some time later.

 

Emma yawned just as she was about to protest and say she wasn’t sleepy. She decided the lie would be too obvious and simply nodded instead, taking a moment before she moved her feet off the sofa and held herself up so Regina could move from behind her. The movie was already off, but Emma had no memory of seeing the second half of it. A second yawn sneaking up on her suggested she might have drifted off for a little while before Regina decided to wake her. 

 

“Come on,” Regina said once she was standing, holding out both her hands and smiling softly. She looked just as relaxed as Emma felt, her face soft in the low glow of the lamp. 

 

Emma gave her hands to Regina and they counted up to three before Regina helped her up from the comfortable sofa. Emma hummed once she was standing and leaned forward, pressed her lips to Regina without any lead up this time. It was just a soft, quick kiss that lasted a few seconds, but it was a silent ‘thank you’ and all the mushy things Emma was thinking but didn’t want to put into words because doing that still scared her. 

 

Regina’s smile grew beautifully when Emma pulled away from her mouth. “Ready?” she whispered, stroking her thumbs over Emma’s knuckles. 

 

“Mhmm,” Emma hummed positively. “Are you staying with me tonight?” 

 

Regina took a moment to answer, letting Emma walk ahead of her to the stairs. She turned the lights off in the living room and flipped the switch for the one at the stairs. Her answer didn’t come until they had reached the top of the steps and Emma gave her a hopeful look that made Regina reach out and stroke her cheek in that loving, careful way Emma really liked. 

 

“I would love it very much to spend the night with you,” Regina whispered sweetly, her eyes crinkling around the edges as light danced happily in them. “Give me a minute, though. I want to change.” 

 

Emma nodded in agreement and they parted, Regina heading upstairs to her room and Emma walking down to her own. Before going inside, Emma looked at the room that would be her child’s nursery and felt the baby kick as though they were aware she was thinking about them. She brought her hands to the top of her stomach and whispered a soft greeting, imagining what it would be like when she got to wake up and go to the baby’s room and actually hold them, see them, kiss them. She knew it would be tough in the beginning, feedings every few hours, crying and exhaustion, but the idea of finally having a family made her heart fill with warmth. 

 

She smiled through her entire nightly routine, and that smile was still on her lips as she got into bed with her pillows propping her up. Not much longer, Regina came downstairs and turned the hallway light off. Emma sat up a little straighter as she waited for Regina to enter the room, her hands still on her belly. The door opened the rest of the way and Regina came in, the moonlight touching her skin. She had changed into one of her silky shorts sets and her robe was in her arm, mostly likely for in the morning. Emma welcomed her into the room with a wide grin.

 

“Is tomorrow one of your super early mornings?” Emma asked as Regina laid her robe down on the armchair at the bay window. 

 

Regina shook her head in the negative as she made her way over to the bed. “I’m up at 6:30 tomorrow,” she said, pulling the covers back and slipping in. “I have an alarm on my phone. What time do you need to wake up?” 

 

Emma watched as Regina got into bed with her and they talked about alarms. It made her chuckle a little, which earned her a questioning look from Regina as she laid her head down on the pillow. “Around the same time. I usually don’t get out of bed until about fifteen minutes later if my bladder isn’t being demanding.” 

 

Regina hummed and put her hand below Emma’s, barely touching her. “Goodnight, sweetheart,” she said, looking down at Emma’s rounded belly. 

 

Emma smiled and imagined, just as she had earlier, greeting the baby in the morning, but this time with Regina by her side. The image in her head made her sigh happily. She moved her hand down and placed it over Regina’s, keeping it on her stomach and holding it. Regina lifted her eyes and met Emma’s, the most content look on her face. 

 

“I’m happy here with you,” Emma whispered to Regina, feeling so many things that she needed to at least let Regina know some of them. “I’m used to doing stuff in life out of necessity, or because it felt like the way it was supposed to be – but this, us...” Emma pulled Regina’s hand up to her mouth and kissed it gently. “You just feel right. Everything feels natural with you. And - -” she looked down to her stomach and smiled, “- - I’m looking forward to sharing my life with you.” 

 

Regina’s lips against hers was a surprise, her kiss hard and warm, lips closed, just pressing to Emma’s. She released a shuddering breath after a few seconds and then tucked her head into the crook of Emma’s neck. She didn’t say anything, but Emma didn’t need her to put her feelings into words to understand that Regina was looking forward to what would come next as well. 

 

Their fingers locked together and their breaths mixed in the silent room, and Emma knew everything she needed to know. They were moving forward together, into something new for both of them that they would get to share with each other. They were growing, changing, and they would become the kind of family neither of them had ever had, the kind that was accepting and loving and exactly what they wanted it to be. And as scary as it might be at times, it was perfect. 


	23. Chapter 23

**August 2006**

 

Emma’s due date had come and gone, but she was still carrying a baby inside of her. She’d been having a ridiculous amount of Braxton Hicks contractions, but none of the real ones. She was flip-flopping between wanting her pregnancy to be over so she could finally meet her baby and wanting them to stay in there forever so she didn’t have to go into labor. Regina had thought she was joking when she told her that as they walked around the neighborhood after breakfast Sunday, but Emma had mostly been serious. She was terrified like she had never been before, and she didn’t think she was ready for all the pain that came with childbirth.

 

To keep her mind off of the pain, Emma had spent the last two days going through the nursery and the rest of the house to make sure everything was ready. The nursery had been painted a fresh, summery yellow that brightened up the room. After she was left alone to take it all in that first day, Emma had sat in the rocking chair that had been moved down from upstairs and imagined herself reading to the baby. It was hard to believe that it would soon be more than a thought. It had been even more difficult believing everything that was happening in her life was really happening, that so much in her life was working out.

 

The nursery was beautifully done – mostly thanks to Daniel, who Emma still did not care for too much. He had offered to help, though, and Emma had agreed to let him. He was Regina’s friend, and she could be nice to the guy if he was planning on sticking around for a little while. As long as he understood that she and Regina were exclusive, even without an actual name for what they were beyond that – which he did – she didn’t mind his presence when he came around. If she was a little clingier those days, it wasn’t like Emma was to blame. Her hormones felt all out of sync again, and Regina accepted that as her reasoning every time.

 

The baby had more clothes than Emma thought was necessary, but Regina, who Emma could already tell would spoil the kid if Emma didn’t stop her, had pointed out that neither of them were going to want to have to constantly be doing laundry. She didn’t know what Regina’s reasoning would be for all the colorful toys around the room, but she had been so shocked when Regina showed her that she hadn’t asked. It still made her twitch a little seeing Regina spend money on things so easily when Emma couldn’t, but she kept reminding herself that it was for the baby and most of what she bought them were necessities.

 

* * *

 

Emma was checking baby bottle nipples in the kitchen when the doorbell sounded through the house. She glanced at the time on the microwave and wondered who would be coming to the house around noon on a Monday when the house was usually empty at this time. Perhaps Regina had ordered something, she had thought as she pushed the kitchen door into the living room and made her way to the door. She didn’t know what else they could possibly need, but it seemed like Regina was more worried about not having everything for the baby than Emma was – and Emma had spent three hours browsing in the baby section of a department store the other day.

 

She grunted as she stepped up the single step, her hand on her tired back. She couldn’t wait until she didn’t feel like she was carrying around a bowling ball in her stomach every day. The doorbell sounded again and she groaned, opening the first door and then rolling her eyes a little as she got to the second, seeing Daniel’s head before she opened it.

 

“Do you always do that?” Emma said without holding back her annoyance. “You know, I can hear just fine. You don’t have to ring it more than once.”

 

He smiled sheepishly at her and held up a plastic container full of pineapple slices. “Thought you might have missed the first one. Here you go.”

 

Emma hesitated but took the fruit from him. “Regina’s not here,” she told him, wondering why he was randomly bringing her fruit anyway. “She’s at work.”

 

He looked confused for a moment, and then he smiled very suddenly. “Oh, I know. That’s for you. A buddy of mine, when his wife was trying to induce her labor, she had him get her pineapple juice. It’s supposed to help.”

 

“Oh,” Emma said slowly, looking down at the pineapple. She didn’t actually enjoy the fruit, but she was willing to try just about anything at this point. “Thank you.”

 

He nodded, his hands sliding into his pockets. “Yeah, no problem.”

 

Emma waited for him to say more, because he clearly didn’t travel all the way from Brooklyn just to bring her a container of fruit. But he stood there awkwardly, not saying anything at all. Emma didn’t know what to say either. Normally, Regina was with them and did most of the talking. She rubbed the back of her neck and cleared her throat.

 

“Um.”

 

“Yeah, sorry,” he said, his thin lips moving into another smile. “Regina suggested I should take you for a walk.”

 

“I’m not a dog. You can’t _take_ me for a walk,” Emma said as she rolled her eyes.

 

“No, that’s– I didn’t mean for that to come out as it did. I meant that she suggested we go for a walk together.”

 

“She sent you here? That’s what these–”

 

“No,” he said quickly, interrupting her. “The pineapple was my idea. I called to see if there were any changes since yesterday, and she told me that you sent her to work.”

 

“She was hovering and being worried,” Emma said defensively. It wasn’t like she didn’t appreciate everything Regina was doing to help her. Regina just became a bit of worrywart sometimes, and it made Emma all tense. Tension was exactly the opposite of what she needed. She was supposed to be relaxing her body.

 

He laughed a little, nodding knowingly. “She doesn’t like when she isn’t in control of things. If she can’t make something happen when it needs to happen, she gets a little intense trying to find some way to help the best way she can.”

 

“I know,” Emma said, not unkindly like she almost did. He wasn’t trying to prove he knew Regina better, just trying to talk to her. “So I’m guessing you’re her idea of help.”

 

He gave her a half-smile. “I promise I didn’t actually bring the list of ways she thought I might be able to help. I just thought you might not mind the walk.”

 

Emma shook her head, smiling because she couldn’t believe Regina sometimes, but the little things that seemed so extra to Emma were actually really sweet. “How long was the list?” she wondered aloud, stepping back so he could come in.

 

“I think I counted 15 things on it,” he said with a chuckle, walking into the house. “She’s nothing if not thorough.”

 

Emma snorted, closing the door behind them.

 

* * *

 

After she had finished her pineapple and put the baby bottles back where they belonged, she had brought Daniel to the park where Regina ran. They were mostly silent as they walked the trail, the summer sun hot but the trees providing enough shade for her not to feel overheated. He wasn’t talkative, and she didn’t really know what to talk about with him, so she didn’t mind the silence. However, once he did start talking, she found that she didn’t mind that either.

 

“So how did you and Regina meet?” he asked as they walked up a hill, his hands deep in the pockets of his dark wash jeans.

 

“She stalked me for a while,” Emma said with a grin that stretched wide and bright as he gave her the funniest confused look she had ever seen. “Kidding. Sorta. She, um, called me out on being rude to a nurse at the hospital, and then she stalked me.”

 

“Interesting,” he said slowly. “I feel like I’m missing the punchline to a joke here, but...”

 

She shrugged her shoulders. “I kinda yelled a little at this nurse, and you know how Regina is about people that she cares about.”

 

“Nurse Mae,” he correctly guessed.

 

“Yeah,” she said with a nod. “You know her?”

 

He shook his head. “No, just of her. She was there when Regina’s father died. Her mother... I’m sure you’ve heard of how terrible she could be.”

 

“Terrible is an understatement, but, yeah.”

 

He nodded. “Well, Cora, her mother, sent her out of the room because she was crying – you know, as us humans do sometimes when we lose someone we love. Regina and her father were close,” he explained needlessly, and Emma nodded along. “Image was always what was most important to that woman. I didn’t get it. I didn’t understand anything about her, though. She was... Anyway. She told Regina to go collect herself and stop crying like a child, if I remember correctly. That was when she met Nurse Mae.

 

“Regina was, well, angry with her mother and heartbroken because of her father. She was emotional–”

 

“She turned that anger on the nurse.”

 

He looked surprised, but he nodded. “Yeah. She shouted at her when Nurse Mae tried to offer her comfort when she found Regina trying to calm herself down. And even though Regina had yelled at her, she didn’t stop trying to help. She ended up hugging her.”

 

“The nurse hugged Regina?”

 

He shook his head, smiling. “Regina, completely overwhelmed, hugged Nurse Mae. It was a difficult time for her, as I’m sure you can imagine. And that woman, who didn’t even know Regina, didn’t even know she’d just lost her father, did more for Regina than her own mother did.”

 

Emma frowned, hating Regina’s mother even more than she already had. “I’m glad there are people like that out there, genuinely good people.”

 

Daniel nodded with agreement, slowing down when Emma took slower steps. “So you were explaining how you two met,” he encouraged her.

 

Emma hummed, nodding, feeling a tightening in her abdomen – Braxton Hicks, she knew automatically, wishing it was the real deal instead. It was a mild cramp, the pain not staying too long. “Let’s see,” she said, thinking about what she had been saying, her brain having drifted away momentarily. “Oh. Well, after that first encounter, I saw her again. I was downstairs eating my lunch and trying to clear my head from what had caused my outburst, and then she came and sat with me.

 

“We ended up talking a little as she waited for the Chief of Hematology & Oncology for some meeting she had, and, I don’t know, she was nicer than I expected. She was kinda cool, when she wasn’t trying to turn me into a health nut.”

 

Daniel laughed, and Emma smiled.

 

“When I was walking to the train, I felt someone behind me, and it was her. That’s where the stalking comes from. I said she was stalking me because she kept ending up where I was. I think I won her over when I stopped a train for her later on.”

 

“Pardon?”

 

She smiled at the memory. “She was going to miss her train because neither of us could find our Metros. So, being the charming savior I am, I snuck in through the emergency door and ran over and stopped the doors from closing. I pissed some commuters off in the process, but I didn’t care – until one grabbed me so the doors could close. She ended up missing it anyway, but I choose to overlook where I messed up. The important part was the intent.”

 

“She must have thought you were foolish,” he said with a hearty laugh.

 

“You know, I think she might have used that exact word,” Emma said, grinning. “But she liked me enough to give me her number, so...”

 

“Regina gave you her number the first day she met you?” he asked, surprised.

 

“Yeah. I was a total mess. I don’t know why. But, yeah, she slipped it to me before getting off the train. And me, totally not expecting it, stood there staring at the number when I was supposed to be getting off the train as well.”

 

“You must have been rather charming, then. Of all the people I’ve known Regina to show an interest in, I don’t think she’s ever been the one to make the first move like that.”

 

Emma turned her head to look at him, raising her brow. “Really? She’s always seemed like the type to go after what she wants to me.”

 

“Oh, don’t get me wrong, she is. When it comes to matters of the heart, however, she’s normally a little more, well, reserved.”

 

Emma shrugged, wincing a little at the cramping sensation in her belly, pressing her hand against it. “She wanted to befriend me, not date me. I mean, I thought she liked me, and, well, she did, but...” Emma shrugged again. “Our relationship has always been about friendship.”

 

“And now?” Daniel asked.

 

“Still the same thing.”

 

“With a baby? Stop me if I’m overstepping, but, from what I’ve seen, it looks as though you’re more than just friends. You’re raising a child with her, are you not? That’s not something friends typically do together.”

 

Emma stopped walking, her hands on her hips as she waited for Daniel to realize she was no longer walking beside him. It took him a moment, but when he noticed her absence, he turned around and walked back to her. She frowned at him.

 

“Your parents, were they both around when you were growing up?” she asked when he was close enough to hear her without her raising her voice.

 

He looked confused by her question, but he nodded. “Yeah.”

 

“Happy home? Felt loved by both of them?”

 

He nodded again. “Yeah. I have a big, close family. We had our problems like everyone else, but there was never a shortage of love.”

 

“Lucky you. I didn’t have that. I didn’t even have one family. I was passed around from one home to the next, and most of those homes sucked. You were there when Regina was younger. You were her best friend. I’m sure you know what it was like for her growing up.” Emma rubbed her hand over her belly, smiling a little as she looked down at it. “Regina already loves my baby like it’s her own. We may not have sat down and discussed her role in their life, but she’s already done so much for them.

 

“This kid is going to come into this world and already have two people caring about them, loving them, wanting to give them the world. Do you think they’re going to care about what Regina and I choose to call ourselves? Because they’re not. They’re going to grow up knowing they’re loved, and, I don’t know, I don’t see why anything else is important. Regina and I know how we feel about each other, and this child will know how we feel about them. How we choose to identify ourselves makes no difference where it matters. That’s all about what the outside world needs. People want to slap a label where one isn’t needed, you know?   


“You say we seem like more than friends, but what it really is, what you should be saying is, that we don’t look like what your idea of friendship is. And if Regina’s taught me anything in the time I’ve known her – and she’s taught me a lot – it’s that we don’t need to live our lives to fit into other people’s boxes. We decide what we are and what we want.”

 

“You’re right. You’re right,” he said, nodding his head. “I’m sorry. You would think I know better than that by now. Regina certainly would not approve of my readiness to categorize a relationship I am not in – especially one of hers. She hates that.”

 

Emma smiled despite herself. She didn’t like that he questioned what she and Regina were, but he was willing to see their side instead of pushing his own ideas onto them like many would. She appreciated that.

 

He waved his hand in the direction they had been walking, silently asking if they could continue. As they started moving, he cleared his throat. “I know we got off on the wrong foot, but...” Daniel trailed off with a slight shrug and a half-smile directed at her.

 

“Maybe we can have you over for lunch or something when things settle,” she suggested. “Maybe.”

 

His smile turned into a full one. “I’d like that.”

 

* * *

 

Many hours later, Emma realized something that she should have been able to notice way before she reached the point she currently found herself at. She had been so determined to induce her labor naturally, to try whatever would work, that she hadn’t even stopped and realized that it was working. She continued to believe her contractions were Braxton Hicks, even as they continued throughout the day without going away like they usually did. Despite the pain becoming stronger, it had still been bearable, not what she was expecting it would feel like when she went into labor. It wasn’t until that bearable pain quickly became intense and her contractions were relentless and feeling as though they were coming one after the other that Emma had her _aha!_ moment, and by that time, celebrating the success of her hard work was the last thing on her mind. The only thought Emma had was the one she kept shouting at everyone as she was wheeled to delivery.

 

“Get this baby out of me!”

 

She was sweaty and flushed and everything hurt more than she had expected it would – and she had been expecting a lot of pain. She didn’t know how she had gone from mild cramps and muscle spasms to feeling like the baby was jabbing a jagged blade into her over and over and over again so it could be freed. The pain was no longer concentrated like it had been before. She felt tightness everywhere, cramping from the top of her belly to her pelvis, and she had the worst backache she had ever had in her life.

 

Her ride over to the hospital had been a nightmare. She had screamed at the cab driver several times about how she was going to have him fired or sued; once, she had even told him that she would send the mob after him. It seemed like he had made sure to hit every single pothole on the way, and Emma had wanted to throw up from how badly it had hurt.

 

She had been ready to push the baby out before she even made it to the hospital, but once she was in her room and the doctor had come to see her, she was told that she wasn’t ready. And, really? How were they supposed to know anything? The baby felt like it was already pushing their way out on their own. How was she supposed to _not_ push when it felt like she needed to?

 

She wanted it to be over. She wanted her baby to be in her arms. She wanted Regina.

 

“Where’s Regina?” Emma asked between deep, heavy breaths. Her hands were fisting the sheets and she was trying to relax when it felt impossible to do so. “I can’t, can’t– won’t be able to... Fucking fuck fuck fuck! Make it stop!” she begged, staring into the apologetic eyes belonging to the nurse beside her bed.

 

Everything squeezed and twisted inside her. Hot pain ran through her like a knife, and all she was supposed to do was breathe through it like breathing was going to help her any.

 

“I... Oh, God. I need to call Regina again. I need her. I need–”

 

And as if Emma saying she needed her was enough to get her there, Regina came rushing into the room, disheveled and breathing heavily. “Emma,” she said as she moved past the nurse that was reading Emma’s chart, her hands reaching for the blonde’s sweaty face. “Oh, Emma. I got here as quickly as I could. How–?” She looked at the nurse, then back to Emma. “I knew I shouldn’t have gone in today. I’m sorry I wasn’t–”

 

Emma, panting, knowing another contraction was about to start, shook her head back and forth vigorously. “Shut up. Shut up. Shut up,” she rushed out. “Please, stop apologizing and just hold my hand. Oh my, _fuck,_ please.”

 

Regina scrambled to give Emma her hand and then started taking deep breaths that Emma _knew_ she was supposed to be following like they had practiced so many times in the last few weeks. But she couldn’t focus on those when she swore she was going to break in half. All she could do was scream – and try not to scream – while she had to force herself not to push when all her instincts were telling her to do so.

 

When she fell back against the bed, she looked at Regina with pleading eyes. “Please don’t leave me.”

 

Regina shook her head, wiping Emma’s forehead with something cool that Emma hadn’t seen anyone give to her. “I’m right here. I’m–”

 

“I know, but...” She closed her eyes, trying to catch her breath before the process started all over again. “I can’t do this alone.”

 

“You won’t,” Regina told her, rubbing Emma’s hot skin soothingly. “I’m going to be with you the whole time. Unless, for your safety or the baby’s, it becomes necessary for me to leave the room, I’ll be right here.”

 

Emma nodded, squeezing Regina’s hand. “Promise you’ll come back.”

 

“Emma,” Regina said softly.

 

Emma shook her head, though. She didn’t know if it was the pain or how scared she had been the entire way to the hospital, but she needed to know Regina would be there, needed to hear it. She needed Regina. “Promise me.”

 

“I’m right here, darling,” Regina whispered softly, stroking Emma’s hand. “I’m not going anywhere. And if I have to leave, I promise I will come back as soon as I can. Okay?”

 

Emma nodded as she felt the beginning of another contraction, her eyes squeezing shut tightly. “Thank you.”

 

Regina started breathing again, measured breaths as she rubbed the back of Emma’s hand. “Okay. Now breathe with me. Come on. Inhale...”

 

_Exhale._

 

_Inhale._

 

_Exhale._

 

* * *

 

“Give me one last push, Emma. Just one more push.”

 

And Emma pushed and squeezed Regina’s hand so hard it was probably aching and red. But when the sound of a crying baby filled the room not too much later, she didn’t think Regina was even a little concerned about her hand.

 

“It’s a boy,” she heard Regina whispering with wonderment and that happy breathlessness that Emma loved to hear in her voice.

 

Exhausted, crying, sweating, and feeling gross, Emma smiled so widely her cheeks hurt. “Let me see,” she said, throat sore and scratchy. She didn’t feel like she had the energy to move, but after nine months of having a baby growing inside her that she couldn’t hold in her arms, she wanted to hold her baby. “Give him here.”

 

The baby was put into her arms and her heart suddenly felt like it was overflowing with the purest love she had ever felt. He was real, wrinkly skin and puffy eyes and so very much real. She laughed and felt tears in her eyes, having no reason for either reaction other than the fact that she felt so overwhelmed.

 

She ran her finger over his squished nose, barely touching him, and she smiled even brighter feeling his warm skin. “He’s perfect,” she whispered, looking up and finding Regina’s eyes full of tears just like Emma’s were. “He’s perfect,” she repeated, this time telling Regina.

 

Regina blinked her wet eyes, nodding her head. “He is.”

 

Emma smiled at her, all watery and happy. “Come closer. Come meet him.”

 

Regina hesitated, a nervous look on her face, but the nurse beside the bed stepped aside and gestured with her hand for Regina to go closer, letting her know it was okay. Regina’s breath hitched in her throat, and Emma watched as her eyes softened, the warm brown glittering as she looked at the baby.

 

“He’s beautiful,” Regina whispered, tears falling from her eyes as she looked between Emma and the little one in her arms.

 

Emma smiled. “And ours.”

 

Regina’s breath hitched again. “What?” she asked, barely a whisper, her eyes appearing to fill with tears all over.

 

“Ours,” she said with a nervous smile. She had planned an actual conversation in her head. She had come up with the perfect way to let Regina know she wanted everything that was happening between them to mean they were a family. But looking at Regina smiling at her and the baby, none of those words mattered. She just needed Regina to know that one thing. “This is all I’ve ever wanted, a family. I feel like I’m getting that with you – and him.”

 

Regina nodded, stroking a hand over Emma’s cheek. “Our family,” she whispered like an agreement, the words quiet and safe.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edits have been made to this chapter since posting. 
> 
> Sorry for the confusion, but I wanted to clear a few things up.

**February 2017**

 

Emma’s life had changed so much in the time she knew Regina, more than she had ever believed it could. She had learned so much about herself with Regina, and she had experienced things in life she had never imagined she would. It was all rather simple to an outsider, she assumed. Not many people looked at finding the kind of happiness Emma had found with Regina as a big deal. But, to a person who had lost hope, who had never really known what it was like to feel love, everything with Regina had felt almost magical, as ridiculous as that might have sounded.

 

Thinking about it as she listened to the silence on the other end of the phone, she couldn’t really believe that it had been real. Sometimes, it felt as though it had all been a really good dream. Sometimes, Emma liked to close her eyes and wish she would fall asleep and go back to it.

 

She sighed softly. “I’ve wanted to call before,” Emma said, breaking the silence that she could tell Regina would not fill first.

 

Regina responded with a short hum, nothing more. Emma scooted forward in the bed and lay down. She held the phone tightly to one ear and kept the other pressed against the pillow, not wanting to hear anything more than the sound of Regina. There wasn’t much to hear, but now that she was on the phone with her after wanting to speak to Regina so many times before, she didn’t want to waste it. Even if Regina would only respond with hums and short responses, Emma would gladly take and appreciate it. She’d missed her too much not to.

 

“I think I was always scared of what would happen if I called and you actually picked up. Would you hang up as soon as you knew it was me? Would you want to talk to me?” She felt her heart beating quickly in her chest and forced herself to pause and take a few deep breaths, exhaling against the phone. “Do you? Do you want to talk to me?” she asked quietly, wishing she was prepared for the rejection that would undoubtedly come.

 

To her surprise, Regina answered with a soft, “Yes.”

 

Hope fluttered like wild butterflies in her stomach. “You do?”

 

“Would I still be on the phone with you if I didn’t?” Regina asked, snappy but still in a low voice. “Of course I want to speak to you. I just–”

 

Emma sighed. “Can’t? Won’t?”

 

“What am I supposed to say to you, Emma?”

 

“Whatever you want. I don’t care. Just talk to me.”

 

Regina was silent for several agonizing minutes that Emma couldn’t force herself to fill. She could hear water running after a while and guessed Regina was in a bathroom. She didn’t want to know why it felt like Regina was hiding to talk to her, didn’t want to know if she had accurately guessed the turn Regina’s life had taken. She just waited, feeling a little dizzy from constantly holding her breath.

 

“Tell me about Henry,” Regina whispered when she finally did speak. The words sounded as though they were struggling to make it out, her breath unsteady. “No,” she said almost immediately after her request, and then Emma could hear the most painful sound she would ever hear leave Regina’s throat. A heartbreaking sob filled Emma’s ear. “I cannot do this. I, I can’t.”

 

 

“Hey,” Emma said gently, “stop thinking for a minute and just breathe. Okay?”

 

Regina was terrible at following orders. “It’s been eight years. I don’t even know what he looks like anymore,” she said, something like disbelief mixing into her anger. “I want to hate you for that. Do you know that? I did for a long time. For so long, even with love for you still in my heart, I hated you so much. I shouldn’t even want to talk to you after what you did.”

 

Emma swallowed, the harshness of Regina’s voice causing an unpleasant chill to travel down her spine. She hadn’t thought much about the fact that Regina had lost Henry at the end of everything, especially not eight years ago. It was hard seeing past her own feelings sometimes. She had had a toddler who suddenly no longer had one of the two most important people in his life, and she had done everything she could to make sure the changes that happened too quickly didn’t hurt him too much. How Regina felt, how she coped, couldn’t be a priority when she had Henry to worry about.

 

“I never wanted to hurt you,” Emma said quietly. “I hope you know that. I just... I had to do what was best for Henry.”

 

“And taking him away from me was what was best?” Regina responded in a sharp whisper, hissing the words out.

 

“No,” Emma said quickly, shaking her head. “No, of course not. That’s not what I meant.”

 

“Isn’t it? Because that’s exactly what you did, no matter how you decide to look at it. I missed his first day of school, his first loose tooth, his first–”

 

“I’m sorry,” Emma said with a desperate plea to be believed, closing her eyes as she interrupted Regina. The pain in her voice was too much to handle. She could feel it in her own chest, harsh and thick. “I know I can’t go back and undo any of that, but, Regina, I am truly sorry that you missed out on years of his life. None of this was what I wanted. I didn’t want things to come down to me needing to make the choices I–”

 

“You left,” she said sharply, her voice rising from its whisper. “The choice you made was to leave, Emma. You left and didn’t even let me know where you were going. You didn’t tell me you were leaving. I went to the house expecting to find the two of you there, but you were gone. Do you know what that was like for me? Do you know how that affected me emotionally?”

 

“I know,” Emma hissed, her own hurt bubbling up, pain from years ago fresh and hot, “but you did, too. You just did it in a different way. I physically left, but you pulled away before I even considered going anywhere.”

 

“Seriously? Are you seriously comparing me taking on too much work to you packing up and moving out of our home with Henry?”

 

She was, but Emma chose not to answer the question. There was too much anger in Regina’s voice, too much hurt. Emma had spent the last eight years thinking about the choices she had made in the end. She had spent too much time thinking about what had led to her making those choices. She was sure Regina had done the Emmae, even if she was not privy to Emma’s personal reasoning.

 

There was nothing she could say that would make her leaving New York and taking Henry from Regina hurt any less than it had obviously hurt Regina, and she didn’t want to belittle Regina’s pain by sharing all the reasons she had once believed she was justified in doing what she did. Arguing over what was right and wrong was pointless now. It had been done. She wanted to move forward. She wanted to heal the wounds and then maybe get back some of what they had. She missed what they were.

 

“I fucked up,” Emma said, not wanting to make light of it but also knowing that was exactly what she did. “Okay? I know that. I handled everything the wrong way, and I am, honestly, truthfully, sorry for causing you pain. I wish I could do more than apologize, but I can’t. What happened has happened, and, I don’t know, maybe we can move forward from all of this and stop the hurting. Maybe that’s what this phone call can be for.”

 

There was another long stretch of silence. Emma’s brain was feeling a little fuzzy, most likely because of the whiskey, so she didn’t try to keep talking. She just closed her eyes and let there be silence. The little noises she did pick up were enough – Regina’s breaths every now and then, floorboards creaking like they had when Regina answered the phone, a door closing after a moment of nothingness. Emma pictured Regina moving around the house and didn’t need to talk. Everything she could say felt like too much, anyway.

 

“You weren’t the only one who, um, fucked up,” Regina eventually said with a heavy breath, her voice a little louder than it had been before. Still, she sounded exhausted, and Emma guessed that she might not want to argue either. Maybe Regina wanted to move forward as well.

 

Emma sighed. “It was eight years ago.”

 

“But it was never resolved. You can’t move on from something unless there is some type of resolution, and–”

 

“We never had that.”

 

“No, we did not,” Regina said softly.

 

“Is that what you want? To move on? Because I don’t want to move on from you. I want to, I don’t know, fix what we broke,” Emma said, her heart beating harshly as images of them and Henry spun around in her head. “Do you want to move on from what we were completely? Have you started to? Have you–?”

 

“Don’t ask me questions you don’t want me to answer, Emma,” Regina said with a sadness to her voice that made Emma ache. “I can tell where your questioning is leading, and I don’t think you want to go down that road.”

 

Emma frowned. Which questions did Emma not want to hear the answers to? What Regina wanted, or what had already happened? Chewing on her bottom lip and turning over so she could look out of her window and at the moon, she decided not to push for answers about either of those things. Regina was still on the phone with her, so that had to mean something. Regina was still there, hurt and angry and exhausted, but she hadn’t hung up the phone. Emma clung to that small detail; it was all that she had.

 

“I have pictures,” Emma said after another long period of silence.

 

“You have...” Regina cleared her throat, sounding confused. “What?”

 

Emma felt like she was saying too much already, and she hadn’t even told her about the box she kept hidden in her closet. But, the bridge between them was old and broken, and Emma knew she needed to start fixing it from her side so she could get back to Regina. She could never undo the hurt she caused, never give Henry and Regina back the eight years they had missed out on together, but maybe, just maybe, she could make it so that was all that had to be lost.

 

Her eyes traced the moon as she quietly spoke. “Pictures, of Henry.”

 

Regina’s breath shook against the phone, in Emma’s ear. She didn’t say anything, but Emma could hear slight movement again. Was Regina thinking about getting up and leaving wherever she was? Was she sitting down to listen? The unknown made Emma’s chest feel tight.

 

When there was no sign of Regina wanting to end the call, she continued. “You said that you– no, never mind. Just, yeah, I have pictures of him. Well, I have a whole box of stuff,” she admitted, deciding that she would, no matter how much it revealed, tell Regina about the box she kept in her closet. “There are physical photographs, mostly from when he was younger, and school pictures. There’s also a, um, a flash drive full of them, and videos, lots of stuff from all ages. I kept track of as much as I could, took pictures of all the moments I thought were important.

 

“There’s other little things in it– ribbons, well, pictures of him with the ribbons, and even one trophy. There’s some of his favorites in it that he’s outgrown, little things.” The words just kept tumbling out. “He won a prize for a short story. I have a copy of it in there. Oh. And there’s a list, of all his favorite books from–”

 

“Emma...” Regina inhaled loudly, and then she released the breath after holding on to it for several moments.

 

 

Emma stayed quiet until Regina stopped taking deep breaths. “It’s a Henry box,” she whispered, “for you.”

 

Waiting for Regina to finish those deep breaths did not make a difference. Regina’s breath shook again, and there was something fragile and far too soft about her voice when she spoke. “For me? You... Emma...”

 

Emma squeezed her eyes shut and wrapped her arm around herself, wanting to hold Regina like she used to. She could almost feel her petite body against her, the soft curves of her pressing into Emma. Her fingers curled into her own rib cage and she remembered doing the same to Regina, wanting to always have her closer than she was.

 

“I know it doesn’t change anything, doesn’t give back what I took away. I know that.”

 

“It doesn’t,” Regina said, her voice low in the phone, emotions heavy. Even with only two words, it felt weak, shaky.

 

“I can never give you back that time, and I know you’re going to, well, probably hate me for that for a long time. And, yeah, I understand that. I deserve it. What I did to you, to Henry, that can’t be undone. But, they’re yours either way. The pictures, the things you should have been there for... I want you to have it.”

 

Regina didn’t respond, didn’t say anything. There was only silence, deafening silence and heavy breaths. Emma stayed still and listened to those breaths, her heart aching because she knew how much pain she had caused, pain she would never be able to reverse. She wanted to, wanted to go back in time and undo it all. Unfortunately, that was not how life worked, and now the only thing she could do was try to move forward. Somehow, some way, she wanted to move forward. She wanted it for herself, but most of all, she wanted it for Regina and Henry.

 

“I never stopped thinking about you, you know,” Emma whispered into the phone. This might be her only chance to honestly speak about how she felt, and she needed to tell the only person that it might make a difference with. “I just stopped knowing what to do. I didn’t know how to fix things once they started breaking. I tried. You have to know that I tried. I couldn’t do it alone, though.

 

“I didn’t know when we would see you again, but, I don’t know, maybe part of me never really believed it could truly be over for good,” she told Regina, her words shaking a little. “What we had, that wasn’t the kind of thing that could just be brushed away and forgotten. It meant something. It was important. You, you changed my life, Regina, in so many good ways. What we had was...” Emma trailed off with a breathless sound. “It was extraordinary, the kind of thing that you only find once in your life – just like you.”

 

There was only silence on Regina’s end of the phone call. There was no movement, no breaths loud enough for Emma to hear. There was no noise, and that silence made Emma’s heart race because she couldn’t figure out what Regina was thinking. She didn’t know if she had said too much, if she needed to stop revealing things that probably needed to be kept secret. She didn’t know if what she was saying meant anything to Regina.

 

“Regina?” she whispered, needing her to say something.

 

Her answer only came in a sigh at first, and then another one. “Stop talking. Please,” Regina said, the words cracking as they left her throat. It was as though everything was too much for her and she couldn’t take the weight of Emma’s words.

 

Emma held herself tighter and nodded, giving Regina the quiet she wanted.

 

* * *

 

“Do you know how long I waited for this phone call?”

 

Emma had been slowly drifting off, sleepy from the alcohol and comforted by the subtle sounds of Regina and the memory of what it had been like sleeping beside her. But at the sound of her voice, she was wide awake and rolling over onto her back.

 

“Those first few months, I was so sure you would call. I would yell at you,” she said, sounding certain. “My anger was strongest in the very beginning. I couldn’t believe you would just leave the way you did, and I felt nothing but anger towards you.”

 

“I can imagine,” was all Emma said.

 

Regina made a small noise. “I’m not saying I’m not still angry, that I’m not still hurt – because I am – but, as much as it hurts, I understand some of what motivated your decisions. I didn’t get to a place of understanding easily, and I didn’t get there on my own. It took years of therapy, of trying to put myself in your shoes, of remembering everything I knew about your past and your, um, well abandonment–”

 

“My abandonment issues,” Emma said, taking over when Regina’s voice started to get heavy.

 

“Yes,” Regina said with a drawn out sigh. “I know that must have been part of the reason why you left. Still, I would have yelled at you.”

 

There was only silence for a moment, and Emma didn’t try to fill it with her own thoughts. Regina deserved the chance to speak, to get out what she wanted to say, and she didn’t want to interrupt her. She didn’t want to put her own feelings above Regina’s, didn’t want to put the focus back on herself when she knew there was probably a lot Regina wanted to say as well. She wanted to give her the opportunity to say those things.

 

“I needed to let that anger out. I needed you to see how much your actions hurt me. But after that, once it was out, I would have begged you to come back, to bring Henry back.” She sounded almost reluctant to say it, the words almost not making their way to Emma’s ears.

 

“You wouldn’t have had to beg,” Emma whispered immediately. She wasn’t sure Regina had ever begged for anything in her life. Who did Regina Sterling believe held enough power to keep something from her? Apparently Emma. “I just needed to know you wanted us. That was the problem, you know. If you had just shown me that...” She shook her head and took a deep breath, deciding not to continue that train of thought. “Begging wouldn’t have been necessary.”

 

Regina made another noise in her throat and continued. “I would have apologized, because, as much as I was hurt, I knew I had messed up as well. I am aware of that, Emma. I know that you didn’t just wake up one day and decide to go. I played a part in the destruction of our relationship, and I have never forgiven myself for that. Despite being unable to forgive myself, I would have apologized to you and hoped you could accept.”

 

“I would have accepted,” she told her honestly, knowing she would have.

 

“And then, I would have probably yelled some more.”

 

Emma rolled her eyes a bit. “You were hiding in a bathroom to talk to me. I don’t think yelling’s really on the table.”

 

It was suddenly silent, awkward. Regina didn’t respond, and so Emma believed she wouldn’t. But then, after clearing her throat, Regina said: “That’s complicated, and not what it seems like.”

 

Emma decided she didn’t want to know what that meant. She was in her bubble of hope, a feeling she didn’t think she would feel again. She was thinking about mending bridges and finding a way back to Regina. She didn’t want to think about anything but the possibility of getting back a fraction of what she had lost, no matter how small it was.

 

“Okay,” she said simply.

 

“I kept my phone number the same, thinking you would call,” Regina admitted quietly, hesitant. “I searched for you. It was always just one dead end after another, but don’t think I didn’t search for the two of you. I stopped hoping you would call after a while. I stopped always looking for you wherever I went. It was pathetic–”

 

“No, it wasn’t.”

 

“It was. You made it clear how you felt by leaving. I was hanging on to someone who didn’t want me, that’s–”

 

“Not true. I wanted you. I _still_ want you,” she said like a promise, letting the emotions pounding inside of her heart spill into her voice.

 

Regina’s breath was heavy in the phone. “Don’t say that.”

 

“But I do.”

 

“Emma,” Regina said like a warning, or maybe a plea.

 

“What? Do you want me to pretend I don’t?” She squeezed her eyes shut and pulled her lower lip into her mouth as she let her rushing thoughts settle. “I once told you that I had never felt about anyone else the way I felt about you, and, you know what? That’s still true.”

 

“Emma,” Regina hissed. “We can’t talk about that.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Be-because.”

 

Emma huffed loudly. “That’s not a reason. Don’t you–?”

 

“It’s been eight years, Emma,” Regina cut her off to say, like Emma needed a reminder. “Eight. You can’t call me eight years after running away, running away with Henry,” she said, hissing out the last part, “ and just have things go back to what they were.”

 

“I know that! I’m not expecting them to. I just... I miss you.”

 

Regina exhaled against the phone, but she didn’t verbally respond.

 

Emma rubbed her hand over her face, wishing things weren’t so complicated, so difficult. Regina had once told her that things were only complicated if you let them be, and yet, everything felt complicated when she knew she didn’t want that.

 

“We were really good for each other, and for Henry,” Emma said softly.

 

Regina scoffed. “You really showed that by leaving.”

 

Emma groaned into the phone. “That’s not fair. I’m taking responsibility for what I did, but it wasn’t all my fault.”

 

“I know,” Regina sighed. “I’m sorry.”

 

Emma hummed in her throat. “Anyway, we were good until we weren’t, and you can’t deny that. We just, I don’t know, lost something in the end.” She sighed. “We could have fixed our problems, but I didn’t see that at the time. It felt like the only thing to do was get away before things got worse and Henry got hurt, but...” She shook her head, sighing again. “We could have fixed it.”

 

“Yes, well, now it’s too late,” Regina said, her regret clear in her voice.

 

“Stop saying that,” Emma hissed. “It’s not too late. If you want something badly enough, Regina, you always find a way to get it.”

 

“I’ve changed, Emma. Maybe I’m done fighting. Maybe I just accept what I have now,” she said tiredly, resigned like Emma couldn’t remember ever hearing her before.

 

“Please,” she scoffed, refusing to believe that, even after eight years, Regina could change that much. “That’s not you.”

 

“Perhaps you no longer know me.”

 

“I know you better than I know myself,” Emma told her, shaking her head despite not being able to be seen. “I don’t care how much time has gone by. I know you, Regina.”

 

She let out a heavy breath. “You know who I was before–”

 

“I know who you are, period,” Emma said, interrupting her. “I know who you are at your core, and I know that there are layers around that, lots of layers, but I know most of those as well. They don’t go away just because you add more. So, yeah, maybe I don’t know some stuff, but, seriously, I know you.

 

“If you want me – want us, me and Henry – you can have that. The only person that could stop you is yourself. I already told you that I miss you, that I still want you. And, okay. Maybe it’s crazy to think we could ever get back to anything close to what we had. Maybe it’s crazy to think that I can call you after eight years of radio silence and we can fix what we broke. That’s just not how things work. But, Regina, when have we ever done things by the rules?”

 

The quiet on Regina’s end of the call went on for ages, and then she said: “You have no idea what you’re even asking of me.”

 

“I’m asking for another chance,” Emma said softly, suddenly unsure of everything she had said.

 

“I meant what I said when I told you a lot has changed in the last eight years.”

 

Emma’s stomach twisted. “I know. But–”

 

“Emma, please,” she whispered shakily.

 

“Okay. I’m sorry. No more. I’ll stop. I’ll let you go back to–”

 

“Wait. No,” Regina said, sighing into the phone. “Don’t go. Just stop. I need time to think. Okay? I’m not dismissing what you’ve said. I’m not agreeing to anything. I just... I don’t want you to go yet.”

 

Emma felt a small flutter of hope and didn’t push it away. The last time she stopped letting herself feel hopeful with Regina, she had lost part of her family. “Okay,” she whispered, rolling onto her side and looking out at the moon. “I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere until you want me to.”

 

Regina let out a soft breath. “I’ve never wanted you to leave before. You shouldn’t say that.”

 

“I learned my lesson the last time I left and ended up causing more hurt than I meant to,” she whispered sadly into the phone. “I mean it. Take it however you want it. I’m not going anywhere until you want me to.”

 

Regina didn’t respond, but Emma could hear her shifting and then letting out a soft breath. She did the same, got comfortable and sighed as she held the phone to her ear, her sleepy brain reminding her what it had been like before she left New York as she listened to Regina’s breaths and eventually drifted off.

 


	25. Chapter 25

**March 2009**

 

Sometimes you needed to step back and take in what was in front of you. Going through life, you missed out on the small things, overlooked what you became used to. You didn’t appreciate it the same way when you were up close and in the middle of it all the time. Space allowed you to simply observe, and when you focused completely on taking in every moment, that was when you were able to see how wonderful it all was.

 

That was what Emma was doing as she sat on the park bench that had been covered in snow before she brushed it off with her gloved hands. She was watching Regina play with their bundled up toddler, Henry, in the freshly fallen snow that was thick and fluffy on the ground of the gated park. She sat with a hot chocolate between her hands and her soft knitted hat, the one that matched the gray ones on Regina and Henry’s heads, pulled down over her ears to keep them warm. There were people all around, kids playing, parents and nannies talking to each other, but Emma had eyes only for her family.

 

She still felt a flood of warmth in her chest whenever she did so much as think of the word family and pictured Regina and Henry. The last two and a half years with Henry had been, without a doubt, the absolute best of her life. She hadn’t known how incredible it could all be until life with her son – and Regina – was happening. Of course, there had been those moments when she tried picturing their life together, when she imagined taking care of him, but every thought in her mind paled in comparison to the real deal. Her imagination hadn’t been able to predict how full her life would feel, how much laughter and joy there would be. Even when she had been terrified of screwing up, when she was so exhausted she thought she might not make it through the day, there was a feeling of everything being right, difficult and tiring but so worth it.

 

She brought her hot chocolate up to her smiling mouth as Henry pulled on Regina’s hand and they fell down into the snow together. She could hear the sound of his playful laughter floating in the cold air. His brown coat with the faux fur lined hood that he said turned him into a lion was covered in snow when he rolled around and then rushed back up to his feet. He turned to Emma and waved with both of his hands, saying words she couldn’t quite make out with his scarf covering his mouth.

 

Emma waved back just as happily, grinning at her son as she unfolded her legs from on top of the bench. She finished her hot chocolate and tossed the cup into the trash. As she walked over to the two of them, she adjusted her glasses and took in how happy they both looked. It warmed her heart seeing them like that, smiling and playful and full of love for each other.

 

“Mommy.” He bounced up and threw himself against her legs, wrapping his toddler arms around her as his hazel eyes sparkled with the sunlight they captured. “Did you– did you come to play with us?”

 

“Sure, kiddo,” she answered as she looked over to where Regina was getting up from the snow. There was snow in her hair and all over her pea coat. Emma smiled at her, reaching forward to dust her off a little. “You two looked like you were having so much fun. I wanted to be a part of it.”

 

“Oh, really? Would you like to be pushed into the snow, Emma? I’m sure I can arrange that for you,” Regina said, smiling wickedly.

 

Emma chuckled, shaking her head. “No, pushing isn’t nice. Right, Henry?”

 

“Right,” he readily agreed, separating himself from Emma’s legs so he could look at Regina. He gave her a very serious look and told her, trying to mimic the voice Regina used when she was teaching him something important, “We don’t push or shove, Mama. That’s not good.”

 

Regina’s eyes crinkled around the edges as she nodded proudly. “You’re right. Pushing is unacceptable behavior. It’s not nice to push people. Someone could get hurt.”

 

“And we don’t wanna hurt Mommy,” he said, shaking his head from side to side. “She already has lots of boo-boos.”

 

“Mommy needs to be more careful, I think. Maybe you can teach her how to be safe when walking so she doesn’t fall up the stairs anymore.” Despite her soft voice full of concern, when Henry turned to look at Emma, Regina laughed quietly.

 

Emma shook her head, holding back a few words she couldn’t say in front of Henry.

 

“You want me to teach you?” he asked, sounding twice as concerned. He lifted his right leg high up and pretended to walk up a step. “One foot at a time,” he told her, his eyes narrowing like they did when he concentrated. It was adorably cute and one of those things he seemed to have picked up from Regina. “Steady.” He plopped his boot into the snow. “And, you have to hold on. That’s very, very important.”

 

Emma smiled as she watched Henry pretend to ascend stairs. “Is it, buddy?”

 

He paused, balancing on one leg, making Regina quickly move closer, worried he might topple over. He gave her a very serious look as he nodded with confidence. “Yes,” he told her, definite. “If you don’t hold on, you will get hurt. You will have more boo-boos, then we have to go to hospital so the doctor can give you shots.”

 

“Shots?” she asked with mock alarm. “Are you sure?”

 

He nodded his head vigorously. “Like I got,” he told her, patting the arm beneath his thick coat. “If you need to cry, you can hold my hand. It’s okay.”

 

Regina fixed Henry’s scarf that he had pulled down from his mouth at some point. “We need to keep you bundled up, sweetheart. It’s cold out.”

 

Henry pulled the scarf down immediately, giving Regina a questioning look. “But Mommy isn’t wearing her scarf like that.”

 

Regina gave Emma a pointed look, and Emma rolled her eyes and stepped up to Regina. “That’s because your mama didn’t do it for me.” She cleared her throat and took off her scarf, holding it out for Regina, trying to hold back her chuckle as Regina pulled it from her hand with a little extra force.

 

Regina wound Emma’s scarf around her neck and face, covering her mouth and tucking it into the top of her winter coat. She pulled the zipper up quickly, smirking when Emma winced. She leaned forward, needing to crane her neck to make up the slightly increased height difference with them on uneven land, and then kissed Emma’s forehead. Her lips were warm against Emma’s cold skin, soft as they lingered for a few seconds. Emma melted like snow on a sunny day, her eyes closing for a quick moment.

 

“There,” Regina said, turning to Henry, smiling brightly at him. “Your turn.”

 

“And kisses?” he asked excitedly.

 

Regina immediately crouched down and kissed both of Henry’s reddened cheeks. “Many, many kisses for my little prince.”

 

Emma laughed as she watched him wiggle and giggle as Regina showered him in her love, dropping kisses all over his face. It was another moment when she felt the need to just step back and watch. She’d always known Regina was full of compassion and love, but it just spilled out of her like she was overflowing with the love in her heart for Henry. It was so pure, so beautiful.

 

When Henry was younger, Regina used to slip into his room when she couldn’t sleep and read aloud. Even if he was peacefully sleeping, she would sit in the rocking chair and read to him. Emma sometimes sat on the floor outside of the room when she would find Regina inside, and she would listen to Regina read to Henry, not wanting to interrupt but wanting to be a part of the moment in some way. Regina eventually discovered that she had been sitting out there listening and told Emma to just come inside next time, and so Emma would sit at Regina’s feet, head on her lap, usually falling asleep to the soothing sound of Regina’s voice.

 

A small hand unceremoniously tugging her down to the ground pulled her way from her thoughts, her eyes widening as she fell in the snow. “Whoa!”

 

Henry laughed a little. “It’s Mama’s turn now. You have to help.” He handed her one end of the scarf, face screwing up as he concentrated. “Like this,” he told her, moving his end around Regina’s neck.

 

Regina stood perfectly still, letting Henry make a mess of her scarf, smiling at him. Emma walked on her knees, glad she was wearing two pairs of pants. Regina’s eyes looked over to her, warm and soft, and Emma grinned happily at her before helping the toddler with the scarf. She followed his instructions and then neatened everything out when they finished, brushing the hair that slipped out of Regina’s hat back. Her fingers lingered for a few extra seconds, gloved fingers resting against Regina’s face as the brunette’s eyes crinkled.

 

“Now kisses,” Henry told her, pulling on Emma’s coat and giving her an impatient look. “You have to kiss Mama, too, so she can know you love her and think she’s pretty.”

 

Emma laughed. “I do? She doesn’t already know?”

 

He paused, thinking about it, looking between Regina and Emma. “I guess,” he said, shrugging a little, confused. “But...” His eyes narrowed as he stared at Emma. “What if she forgets? You have to remember her.”

 

“I have to _remind_ her?”

 

He nodded, certain. “Because you love her. You gotta let people know when you love them, so they can feel happy.”

 

Emma smiled at him and pulled him into her side, squeezing him tightly. She pulled her scarf down a little and gave him a hard, long kiss on his forehead and then pulled back to look at him. “Like that?”

 

He nodded eagerly. “Yes, but one for Mama,” he said with a laugh.

 

Emma hummed and leaned over and planted her lips on Regina’s forehead, kissing her softly two times. “Do you feel happy now?” she asked, lowering her eyes to meet Regina’s.

 

“Very,” Regina said with a smile in her eyes and her hand touching Emma’s cheek above her scarf.

 

They both turned to look at Henry, who gave them two thumbs-up. “Now we play,” he said, pulling on both of them until they rose to their feet and he could hold their hands.

 

“Just for another fifteen minutes, then we have to head home,” Regina told him.

 

“Right. For cookies,” he said, and then he stopped them, eyes wide like saucers as he turned to look at Regina. “Oopsie. That was supposed to be a surprise.”

 

“Cookies?” Emma asked, raising her brow.

 

“Yes, but I can’t tell you.”

 

Regina laughed. “It’s all right, Henry. Mommy can know about the cookies.”

 

“Can she really?” he asked in a whisper, and when Regina nodded, he started walking and telling her about the plans he and Regina had made for baking when they got back to the townhouse.

 

Emma listened, stealing glimpses of Regina every so often, never tired of seeing the way she looked completely captivated by Henry all the time.

 

* * *

 

When they entered the house after their snowy adventure in the park, Henry, the very independent toddler, turned the lock and then went over to the coat closet and wrapped both his hands around the knob and turned until it was open. Their shoes were already off, so the trio worked on getting their coats, hats, scarves, and gloves properly put away. Henry, who loved being able to unzip his own coat, was the first to have his off. All of his things ended up in a pile on the floor that was quickly cleaned up once Regina handed him a hanger and Emma helped him get everything together.

 

“All done,” Henry said proudly.

 

“Good job,” Regina told him as Emma gave him a high-five. She brushed her fingers through his brown hair and cupped his face in the curve of her palm.

 

“Cookie time now?” he asked, looking up at her with pleading eyes.

 

“Nope,” Emma said, unbuttoning her flannel. “You know the drill, kiddo. What do you always do when you come home from the park?”

 

“Hang up my coat,” he told her quickly, blinking at her slowly. “We did that already. See.” He pointed to the closet.

 

“Yes, you did. But what comes after hanging up your coat?” Emma encouraged, raising an eyebrow as she shut the closet door.

 

His little lips turned into a frown as his entire face fell. He shook his head, backing away from them. “Not bathtime.”

 

“Yes bathtime,” Emma said, moving to the bottom of the stairs and waiting for Henry.

 

“But...” He pouted and looked at Regina. “I don’t wanna take a bath,” he told her, all sad eyes and a quiet voice.

 

Regina’s face fell, too, and Emma had no idea how she was the tougher one out of the two of them. Regina was the one who got him to do things most of the time, the one who put the rules in place to begin with, but she was also the one more likely to give in to Henry’s subtle manipulation when he pouted and got all sad. Emma shook her head and cleared her throat, letting Regina know she was about to walk right into their toddler’s trap.

 

“Come on, your pants are all wet from the snow. You’re all dirty. If you want to make cookies, you have to be clean.”

 

Henry continued to frown.

 

Regina grasped his small shoulders and turned him towards the stairs. “Big boys don’t pout because they have to bathe, Henry. Listen to your mother and go upstairs for a bath.”

 

He refused to budge despite Regina’s gentle urging. “But you’re gonna make the cookies without me,” he said sadly. “I wanna help.”

 

“I won’t start without you. I’m going to wait for you to finish.”

 

“Promise?” he asked, looking up at her, squinting his eyes a little.

 

“Promise,” Regina said, gently pushing his shoulders again.

 

“Wait,” he said, holding out his pinky. “You didn’t do it. Mommy says you have to touch pinkies.”

 

Regina smiled as she linked her small finger with his even smaller one. “There. Now it’s a real promise.”

 

Henry beamed up at Regina and then turned to Emma. “Ready,” he said, grabbing hold of a baluster and refusing Emma’s outstretched hand. “I got it,” he insisted. “Big people can do this on their own.”

 

Emma stepped aside, hands held up. “Excuse me, then. Go ahead, Mister Big Boy. Show me how it’s done.”

 

Henry nodded, sucking his lip into his mouth as he started ascending the stairs. It was scary how quickly he was growing up. It felt like just yesterday he was still in her belly, no bigger than the size of a piece of fruit. Now, he was calling himself a big boy and wanting to do everything on his own.

 

“What about you? Are you too old to hold my hand?” Emma asked with a grin as she bumped into Regina’s side.

 

The brunette rolled her eyes, but she smiled at her. “Only to make sure you make it up safely,” she said, taking Emma’s hand into her own.

 

Emma huffed out a breath. “I’ve fallen up the stairs one time. Once.”

 

“One time too many,” Regina said, bringing Emma’s hand up to her mouth and kissing it. “It’s okay, though. Henry and I will keep you safe. Won’t we, Henry?”

 

“Yes, Mama,” he answered, ready to agree even though he was probably unaware of what he was even agreeing to. He just trusted Regina like that.

 

* * *

 

Regina had taken over after Emma had given Henry his bath and helped him dress himself in warm superhero pajamas, a plain tee shirt going on top in case he got himself a little messy from baking. Normally baths happened after he helped out in the kitchen, but he had needed one after rolling and running around outside. Thankfully, he was a lot tidier in the kitchen than Emma was, thanks to Regina, and usually didn’t get much on himself.

 

Emma had used her free time to have a relaxing shower and wash her hair, ready for the night to come so she could get some sleep. But even as she looked forward to the rest, she wanted the day to slow down so she could enjoy what little was left of her weekend with Henry and Regina. She loathed Mondays, and it felt like there was never enough time with either of them. Call her greedy, but Emma wanted to spend all her time with her two favorite people.

 

That was why she went down to the kitchen after she was dressed, entering at the end of a conversation Henry and Regina were having in Spanish.

 

“Dame dos huevos, por favor,” Regina said, pointing to the eggs beside Henry.

 

“Huevos,” he repeated, holding up one egg, face scrunched up.

 

“Si, muy bien,” she said with a smile. “Un huevo.” Gesturing with her head to the carton, she said: “Pero dame dos.” She held up two fingers for Henry to see.

 

He looked down at his fingers and held up several until he had just the right amount. “Dos.”

 

“Si,” she said, holding out her hand as he passed her the two eggs. “Gracias, papi,” she said, leaning over and kissing his cheek that was puffed up proudly.

 

“De nada,” he said, looking over to where Emma was silently watching them. “We’re making cookies.”

 

“I see,” Emma said, taking her last steps from the stairs and properly entering the room. “And having Spanish lessons without me.”

 

“Mama teach me how to say eggs, and I got it right.”

 

“Taught, sweetheart. I taught you how to say eggs.”

 

“Mama taught me how to say eggs,” he said with excitement.

 

“Yeah? Let me hear it. I need to practice it, too,” Emma said, standing next to where Henry was sitting on the island.

 

“Huevos,” he said, looking at Regina for confirmation. She gave him a nod, and he repeated it, more confident. “Huevos! Your turn.”

 

“Huevos,” Emma said easily, but she also checked with Regina, getting a nod of approval as well. “I’ve been practicing,” she told Regina with a proud smile. “Flash cards and everything.”

 

Regina gave Emma a surprised look. “You have?”

 

Emma nodded. “I told you, I want to learn as well. I meant it when I said I thought it was awesome that you were teaching him.”

 

She hadn’t known for a long while that Regina spoke to Henry in Spanish sometimes. It wasn’t until recently that she found out that Henry wasn’t picking up the language from people at the daycare but from Regina. Regina never used the language in front of her, so she hadn’t even considered that Henry might have been learning the random words that would pop up in his vocabulary every now and then from her. She hadn’t known until Regina was kissing him goodnight one time and he said something to her that Emma couldn’t hear from the doorway and Regina replied by sweetly whispering, “Que sueñes con los angelitos,” before kissing his forehead. When she asked Regina about it later in the night, she said it was what her father used to say to her when he would tuck her in before her mother came in.

 

Emma had found out that, while she was fluent in Spanish, she still felt insecure using it around people because of the teasing she had experienced from her cousins when she would try speaking to them in Spanish and she would mess up on a lot of words. She had eventually stopped using it, just as her mother had wanted, but she still read books and watched television shows that were in Spanish from time to time. She never stopped understanding, but she wasn’t as confident using it herself.

 

Regina smiled a little at her. “Perhaps I’ll just stop speaking English around the house altogether.”

 

Emma’s eyes widened. “Yeah, I don’t think we’d do much talking, then.”

 

“No?” Regina asked, eyebrow raised. Emma shook her head. Regina hummed in her throat and then leaned over, her lips close to Emma’s ear as she said: “La boca puede hacer mucho más,” her breath warm on Emma’s skin.

 

Emma didn’t even know what Regina had said and she shivered, the way Regina’s eyes twinkled as she turned away being enough to cause the reaction. “You said something about my mouth, didn’t you?”

 

Regina shrugged, working on her cookie dough. “Quién sabe?”

 

“What’s that mean, Henry?” Emma asked, hoping her two-and-a-half-year-old knew more Spanish than she did.

 

But Henry wasn’t even paying attention to them. He was playing with the rainbow measuring spoons, fascinated.

 

Regina laughed in her throat. “I suggest you devote more time to your studying if you’re turning to our toddler for help.”

 

Emma bumped her hip into Regina’s. “I’m just starting. Be nice.”

 

“Lo siento,” Regina said with a smile as she kissed Emma’s cheek.

 

“It’s okay,” Emma responded, knowing the apology. “If you want to make it better, you can tell me what you said, you know.”

 

Regina hummed, picking up Henry from the island and putting him to stand on the floor. “Time to get the cookie sheets,” she said to him, and as he went to get them, she turned to Emma and looked her over slowly. “I said that your mouth is capable of doing more than just speaking.”

 

Emma was about to lean forward and capture Regina’s lips with her own, but then Henry came back, banging the two cookie sheets together, and so she laughed instead. Maybe later.

 

* * *

 

When the cookies were out of the oven and cooled down, the three of them sat in front of the fireplace in the living room with glasses of milk, a large plate of cookies to share, blankets, and a stack of Winnie the Pooh books. Their backs were against the sofa, legs stretched out, Henry snuggled in between her and Regina. It was Sunday night, and Sunday nights were for reading together. It had been one of Emma’s favorite family activities since they started just after Henry’s second birthday last August. Henry loved it, too, especially when they pulled out his favorites and he recognized the words on the page.

 

“Which one?” Emma asked as she spread the books out across their laps.

 

Henry stopped mid-bite into his cookie and looked very carefully at the covers before pointing to the very first one, _Winnie-the-Pooh._ “That one,” he said, leaning back against the bottom of the sofa, eating his cookie with both of his small hands.

 

“This one it is,” Regina said, taking the book from her lap as Emma stacked the others up and put them aside. She licked her lips and drank some of her milk before opening the book.

 

Emma was about to cuddle close to them when she heard her phone ringing in the kitchen where she had left it. She made an apologetic noise as she pushed the blanket from her lap and got up. “I’ll be right back. You can start without me.”

 

“We can wait,” Regina said.

 

Emma shook her head. “I know that introduction like the back of my hand. Go ahead.”

 

“Very well.”

 

And so Regina started as Emma hurried to the kitchen to check her phone. It turned out to be the wrong number, so Emma quickly returned after putting it on vibrate and bringing it with her. She stopped at the doorway after entering the living room and, not for the first time, she observed the beautiful sight in front of her.

  
The fire crackled and popped, the light of its golden flames eager to dance on Regina and Henry’s faces. He was leaning against her side, looking at the book and munching on his cookie, and Regina was reading with the voices – because they were absolutely necessarily – while looking wonderfully relaxed. The only thing that was missing from the picture was Emma, which made her realize that, as important as it was to step back and appreciate what she had, it was just as important to enjoy it. So she crossed the room and joined them, grabbing a cookie and stretching her arm behind both Regina and Henry before settling, drawn into Winnie-the-Pooh’s adventures.


	26. Chapter 26

**March 2009**

 

The moon was full and glowing in the sky as Emma sat at the bay window in her bedroom, head leaning against the wall. She’d just finished saying goodnight to Henry, and now she was spending her flying solo hour trying to read. In reality, she was mostly just staring at the sky as her sleepy brain drifted from thought to thought. She had considered going downstairs to run on the treadmill and get a workout in, the hour between putting Henry to bed and meeting Regina down in the kitchen for their ‘grown-up time’ on the weekdays the only time she really had for things like that. But, already dressed in her pajamas, Emma hadn’t felt like changing, so she had chosen not to exercise.

 

She was planning out her evening errands for the next day when she heard a knock on the door and Regina opened it enough for Emma to see her. Emma closed the book on her lap and sat up straighter. “Hey. What’s up?”

 

Regina shook her head, leaning against the doorjamb. “Do you want to skip the tea and conversation tonight?” Regina asked hopefully.

 

Emma frowned a little as she let her feet fall down to the floor. “Um. Okay. Is everything all right?”

 

“Yes,” Regina told her. “I’m just not in the mood for tea, that’s all.”

 

“Okay,” Emma said, looking at Regina with careful eyes. Sometimes she could figure out what was wrong with her just by how she carried herself, but the only thing Emma was able to pick up was that something might possibly be bothering her. “So, um. I guess I’ll see you in the morning.”

 

“The morning?”

 

Emma nodded, confused by Regina’s confusion. “Yeah,” she said slowly.

 

Regina pushed away from the doorway, looking as though she was going to leave. She looked dejected, and Emma wasn’t sure why. But, as she was grabbing the doorknob, she turned back to Emma. “You do know I was asking to skip part of the night, not the night in its entirety, right?”

 

She shook her head. “No, I thought you were pretty much saying you didn’t wanna hang out tonight.”

 

Regina shook her head as well. “I was hoping we could just skip straight to going to bed. I’m not in the mood for tea, but I would, if you aren’t opposed to it, like to be held tonight.”

 

“Oh,” Emma said softly, a slow smile growing on her lips as she got up from the bench at the window. “You’re sleeping down here tonight?”

 

Regina looked hesitant, but she gave a half-shrug. “If you don’t mind the company.”

 

“Of course I don’t mind the company,” Emma said as she walked over to the bed and pulled the covers back. “I’ve missed you. I just, you know... You’re always busy. I didn’t think...” She waved her hand as if it could clear the air of the words she had just said. “Never mind. Come in.”

 

Regina fully entered the room and shut the door behind her. Her eyes were apologetic as she looked at Emma from the front of the room. “I’ve been getting up more often in the middle of the night to work and didn’t want to disturb you,” Regina told Emma, her hands clasped in front of her abdomen. “That’s the only reason I’ve been spending my nights upstairs.”

 

Emma nodded, not needing an explanation. They had shared Emma’s bed for the first two years with Henry, Regina not wanting to be an entire floor away from him. It had made everything simpler. While the romantic aspect of their relationship had mostly diminished because of Emma’s fatigue and how uncomfortable she was with her body and even the smallest of touches to certain places on it, sleeping together every night had been comforting. She enjoyed waking up and falling asleep with Regina, even though they were both usually exhausted and neither could sleep through the night. But it hadn’t been permanent, and Emma had been okay with that.

 

Regina had started sleeping upstairs occasionally, and Emma agreed that sometimes a little space could be good. It hadn’t been until early February that Regina started sleeping up there every night, and while Emma missed having Regina beside her, she knew that where they slept didn’t take anything away from what was between them. In fact, they had been more affectionate towards each other the last couple of months. Emma wasn’t sure if there was any correlation between the increase in their physical intimacy and their sleeping arrangements, but she had noticed the changes.

 

“I appreciate that you’re careful about not disturbing me, but you don’t have to worry about that. I think I’m used to your sleeping patterns, or lack thereof. I can handle you getting up in the night,” she told her with a small smile as she climbed into the bed. “If you wanna sleep with me, you can just get in the bed and sleep, even if I’m already out for the night.”

 

“Okay.” Regina’s shoulders relaxed and she nodded silently. “You want the curtains to remain open, or should I close them?”

 

Emma waved her hand at the window and patted the space beside her. “Leave it. It’s a full moon tonight. Just get over here.”

 

Regina got into the bed and lay down on her side, her back to Emma as she faced the window. Emma removed her glasses and turned off the lamp on her nightstand. She then pulled the thick layers of bedding over them and curled behind Regina. The first few seconds of contact, when the front of her thighs slid against the backs of Regina’s, both of them in flannel pajamas, and Regina’s hand reached back for Emma’s, pulling Emma’s arm around her, felt like coming home after a terribly long day. Every part of her felt as though it was sinking into the mattress, molding against Regina. She sighed and buried her nose in Regina’s hair, the scent of gardenias wrapping around her when she breathed in.

 

Regina hummed a throaty sound and scooted back. “Thank you for this,” she whispered.

 

Emma lifted her head to look over and see Regina’s face. “You don’t have to thank me. I’d be a terrible cuddle buddy if I didn’t snuggle up with you every now and then.”

 

Regina smiled as she turned her head just enough to look at Emma. “I despise that term, you know.”

 

Emma shook her head, wrapping herself tighter around Regina. Her right leg hooked over Regina’s hip, holding her close. “I’m sure that’s against the rules. You can’t despise the term cuddle buddy and still have one. Doesn’t sound fair.”

 

The corners around Regina’s eyes crinkled, the small lines at the edges that were slowly becoming deeper with age appearing. Emma couldn’t wait to see what they would look like in ten years or so.

 

“Your logic lacks, well, logic,” Regina told her.

 

“You’re just refusing to see the logic. It’s there.”

 

Regina hummed and turned her head back to the window. She let out a soft breath and shut her eyes, holding Emma’s hand against her chest. She didn’t say anything, the room quiet, so Emma put her head to rest on the pillow and closed her eyes as well. She sighed, and it was full of the contentment she always felt around Regina.

 

* * *

 

Emma had fallen into an easy sleep without trying to, the warm, safe feeling of being wrapped in blankets and around Regina making everything else fade away. When she woke up, it was to the familiar feeling of fingers in her hair, nails on her scalp, Regina’s chest beneath her head, her heart calm and steady. Emma didn’t know how it always happened, but no matter how they fell asleep, she somehow ended up with her head on Regina’s chest when she would wake up. Being able to hear Regina’s heartbeat was one of the most soothing things she knew, so she figured that, even in her sleep, she searched for proof of Regina being with her, for the constant beating of life.

 

She brought a hand up to her mouth and covered a yawn. “You’re still awake,” she whispered when it was over, her eyes remaining shut. She could feel the slight vibration of Regina’s affirmative hum before she could hear the actual thing. “How long was I out?”

 

“Not long. I’d say it’s been around forty-five minutes, perhaps less.” Regina danced her fingers over the back of Emma’s neck and made her shiver. “You must have missed me.”

 

Emma laughed. She turned her head and shifted, bringing her mouth to Regina’s throat. She kissed her there softly, letting her lips linger on the warm skin. The sudden kiss made Regina’s breath hitch, and the fingers in Emma’s hair stopped moving. Emma parted her lips and kissed her again, slid her mouth a few inches higher and hummed against her, a happy, pleased sound.

 

“Not just tonight,” Emma admitted quietly. “Sleeping with you is always better than sleeping alone.”

 

“I know,” Regina whispered in response, her fingers moving again, massaging Emma’s neck the way she liked it. Her fingers dragged in deep circles that became wider and wider as she painted an imaginary spiral onto Emma’s skin, starting in the middle of her nape and covering the entire back of it. “I’ve missed having you beside me at night, too.”

 

Emma smiled against Regina. “Yeah?” she mumbled, brushing the word across Regina’s throat with her lips.

 

“Yes,” Regina breathed out slowly.

 

“And this?” Emma asked, bringing her mouth higher to kiss Regina’s jaw.

 

Regina’s breath hitched again as Emma’s lips slid across her jawline, and then she made a tiny moan when teeth lightly nipped close to her ear. “I have.”

 

Emma grinned and brushed her nose and lips over Regina’s neck, moving back down to where her skin was sensitive at the hollow of her throat. She could hear Regina’s breath becoming unsteady and shivered in response. She flicked her tongue out and traced the space between Regina’s collarbones with her warm tongue, sweeping in a U and then letting her breath blow against the dampened skin.

 

Regina’s heartbeats felt heavy and fast when Emma slid her hand up to Regina’s breast, not squeezing or anything, just feeling the soft curve and the thumping beneath it. Emma lifted her head to search for Regina’s eyes in the dark, finding them glowing with the moonlight and already looking at Emma. There was intrigue in them, but there was also something gentle and warm that Emma was most familiar with. Regina smiled at Emma and tucked her blonde locks behind an ear.

 

“Do you want me?” Emma asked quietly, licking her lips as she pushed herself farther up in the bed. She hovered over Regina’s mouth, her lips ghosting over the soft ones just beneath her.

 

Regina brought her hand to the side of Emma’s face and stroked her cheek tenderly. “Yes,” she answered with a sweet smile.

 

“All of me,” Emma clarified, feeling her own heart speed up as she moved one of her knees to the other side of Regina’s petite body, bracketing the brunette’s hips and sides with her legs. She rolled down against her.

 

“All of you,” Regina whispered, looking down to where their chests touched. She smoothed down Emma’s back with slowly moving hands and then slipped them underneath her shirt, lightly touching Emma’s back, fingertips like feathers as they made Emma tremble.

 

Emma’s breath shook right along with her body. She kissed the corner of Regina’s mouth. She held her lips there, feeling muscles pulling beneath her, a cheek curving. Regina was smiling. Emma’s heart thumped heavily and she kissed her way across Regina’s smile, moving to the other corner of her mouth so she could leave a loving kiss there as well.

 

“Do you?” she asked her again. She brought her hands to either side of Regina’s head and pushed herself up, the blankets falling down and letting the cooler air touch her skin. She hadn’t realized how hot she had become until that moment.

 

Regina nodded, looking into Emma’s eyes. “I do,” she said. Her hands traveled down to Emma’s hips and laid there. Her thumbs stroked at the band of Emma’s pajamas as she licked her lips, edging them down ever-so-slightly. “I want you, all of you that you are ready to share with me.”

 

“All of me,” Emma whispered, certain and ready, wanting, nodding her head. Her breath felt heavy as she told Regina: “And I want you.”

 

Regina’s eyes crinkled around the edges. “I’m already yours, Emma. You have me.”

 

“Yeah?” Emma breathed. “I can...” She pulled her lip into her mouth and looked down at Regina’s chest, the outline of Regina’s small breasts visible through the cotton of her shirt, hard nipples pressing into the fabric. She pressed her teeth into her lip, body flooding with a new rush of heat as she pictured herself touching Regina, kissing her body.

 

“Touch me,” Regina whispered, her breath shaking a little as her hands squeezed around Emma’s hips. “You can touch me. I _want_ you to touch me, Emma.”

 

Hearing those words leave Regina’s mouth was almost too much for her to handle. Her arms buckled and she fell back down against Regina’s body, pressing them together and connecting their mouths without a second thought. It was what was most important to them, the connecting, the togetherness, just being with each other. And as their lips slid together and their bodies filled in the gaps and spaces of the other’s, they were as connected as they had ever been.

  

So incredibly soft, Regina’s mouth always was. Emma had come to the conclusion after only their second or third kiss that she would never, ever, ever be able to withstand more than a few seconds of kissing Regina before she was turned into a shivering mess of buzzing nerve-endings and flushed skin. Regina’s mouth was the most arousing thing she had ever known, her body overwhelmed every time Regina’s lips brushed over hers, a warm tongue slid between her lips, teeth teasingly nipped. It made Emma breathless and dizzy every time.

 

It was no different as they rolled over so Emma was on her back and Regina was laying between her spread legs. Emma’s arms were wrapped around Regina, one hand tangled in her hair, cupping the back of Regina’s skull, the other restlessly moving up and down Regina’s back. She sighed and parted her lips when Regina rubbed her wet tongue over them. Regina answered with her own sigh and licked her way inside, tongue curving and running over the roof of her mouth.

 

She was slow and teasing, touching Emma’s tongue and then pulling away, flicking over Emma’s lips with the tip of it. Emma whined in her throat and brought Regina down to her, went for Regina’s lip and caught it between her teeth. She pulled it into her mouth and sucked on the sensitive flesh, hard and slow while her legs opened wider. She could feel Regina everywhere, pressing tightly to her, and when Regina’s hips moved, she could feel the pressure of her, the weight of her, grinding down against Emma’s sex. It made her gasp and reach down to bring Regina closer, hands grabbing her ass and squeezing.

 

Regina moaned long and deep and left Emma’s mouth. She started kissing her elsewhere, impossibly gentle as her lips trailed over one of Emma’s cheeks. Her mouth glided across the skin and then her cheek did as well, their faces rubbing together as Regina’s breath teased Emma’s ear. Emma sighed and hummed and just kept on touching Regina everywhere, enjoying the way Regina’s own sounds of pleasure slipped right into the ear she was beside.

 

When Emma’s hands slipped under Regina’s shirt, the older woman’s tongue left her mouth and traced the shell of Emma’s ear. Her head rolled the same way waves upon waves of heat moved into her. Regina pulled Emma’s ear between her lips and sucked on it, nibbled, made it wet and then teased it with her rushed breaths. It pulled out the most erotic sounds from Emma’s throat, her hips pushing into Regina, everything feeling like too much but nowhere near enough.

 

She needed more, and the first thing she wanted more of was Regina’s skin. She wanted to see her, all of her. She knew what laid beneath Regina’s clothes, already knew there was a scar at her hip and where there were tiny moles. She’d seen Regina almost naked before. She’d seen her completely naked through frosted glass more times than she could count. But what Emma wanted was to see Regina completely bare in every sense of the word, wanting her, needing her touch, nothing else mattering in that moment but what they were sharing. She wanted Regina’s body, yes, but she wanted so much more along with it.

 

Regina’s mouth was down on her neck, kissing, sucking, whispering words that made Emma’s heart race. She nuzzled and mouthed at her, buried her head in the space between Emma’s shoulder and neck. Emma moved her hands up to Regina’s hair and stroked the silky locks, twisting against her mouth. Regina hummed and she could feel it. A warm tongue swirled and flicked and then Regina sucked over a sensitive spot that had Emma biting her lip to quiet herself. Everything felt like it was spinning, and Emma wasn’t sure she ever wanted it to stop.

 

Emma tried to catch her breath, tried to speak, wanting to get Regina’s top off. But every time she thought she could get her breath back to normal, Regina moved her mouth somewhere else and laid claim to whatever new spot she wanted. She had barely managed to keep herself from crying out in pleasure from how incredible Regina’s mouth felt on her neck, so she had no idea how she would be able to survive her lips sliding down her chest, Regina’s fingers pulling the neckline of Emma’s tank top down to expose more skin.

 

Dark brown eyes flicked up to look at Emma as a hot, damp tongue glided over the top of Emma’s breast. The sight of Regina licking her made Emma quake, the steady throbbing between her legs intense. Regina did it again, nice and slow, the flat of her tongue moving over skin while her eyes held onto Emma’s. This time, Emma couldn’t keep quiet. She groaned in her throat and arched, sucking her lip into her mouth to bite it.

 

Regina smirked and slid her body against Emma’s, rubbing herself against Emma’s sensitive breasts and the space between her hips that was begging for more direct pressure. Her head lowered and she kissed Emma through her shirt. She moved her mouth to a hard nipple that was tight and aching. Teeth soon clamped around it, right through the material of her tank top, and bit down, biting the sensitive peak. Another noise filled her throat and the room, her body arching away from the bed again as pleasure twistered wildly inside of her.

 

“Can we remove this?” Regina asked quietly, her voice husky and giving away her arousal.

 

Emma shivered and touched Regina’s face with one of her hands, nodding at her. She hadn’t had her shirt off in front of Regina since giving birth. How uncomfortable she had been with her post-pregnancy body had been what made her put the brakes on things in the past. While she might not have had her body back from before she was pregnant, she had learned to accept the changes, to stop hating what she saw whenever she dared to look into a mirror. It had taken her some time, but she was all right with undressing in front of someone again.

 

Regina pushed herself up onto her knees between Emma’s legs and then pulled Emma up to sit in front of her. She ran her fingers through Emma’s hair and moved it off her shoulders before leaning in and kissing her. It was short and gentle, Regina brushing their lips together while Emma held onto her hips and sighed. It was warm, making Emma’s heart beat in that steady, excited but not nervous quick rhythm.

 

Hands slid down to the edge of her shirt in the back and then worked it up slowly. Regina’s fingers felt electrified, buzzing against her back. She pulled away from Emma’s mouth and kept her eyes on Emma’s as she pulled the shirt over her stomach, her breasts, and then over Emma’s head, allowing Emma to pull her arms through.

 

Emma sucked her lower lip into her mouth as the shirt was dropped down to the bed, shivering. Regina moved closer and lifted Emma’s head with fingers under her chin. Pressing her clothed body against Emma’s naked torso, Regina leaned her head down and kissed Emma again. Emma immediately moaned, enjoying the way the soft fabric of Regina’s shirt felt when rubbed against her nipples, the way the delicious heat of Regina’s mouth seemed to spill right into her.

 

This time, it was like Regina was trying to make Emma fall apart with her kiss. It was more than the gentle brushes of lips. Regina pulled her closer by her chin and claimed her mouth. She was confident and sensual, and Emma wasn’t able to breathe anymore but couldn’t be bothered by her lungs desperate need. Regina was licking and sucking and making love to her mouth. There was no other way to explain it. Regina wasn’t kissing her. Regina was pouring everything she had into Emma and making her feel loved and turned on more than was probably safe. And if making Emma fall apart was her goal, Regina had surpassed it.

 

Emma _ached_ and throbbed and she couldn’t think of anything beyond touching Regina and being touched by her. She pulled away from Regina’s mouth, breathing heavily, heart rate probably through the roof. Her hands trembled as she brought them to the back of Regina’s thighs. She laid her head below Regina’s chest as she caught her breath, her hands traveling up Regina’s thighs through her pajama bottoms. She slipped her fingers in between them and ran up the insides, knowing how sensitive she was, how that made her bite her lip when Emma did it while they were making out.

 

Regina moaned in her throat and held Emma’s head to her, swaying a little. Emma dragged her hands up to Regina’s ass, flattened her palms, and then curled her fingers down and squeezed. She loved Regina’s butt, the perfect balance between soft and firm flesh, perfect for grabbing. It made _her_ wet when she grabbed Regina’s ass, made Emma bite her lip to stop herself from moaning. But it drove her absolutely wild hearing Regina moan as she touched her, these deep, low sounds that started to sound breathless within seconds.

 

Nails dug into her shoulder and she hissed, making Regina pull her hand away immediately. “No,” Emma protested, though, sorta whining, not really giving a damn. “Don’t stop touching me.”

 

Regina hummed and pulled Emma back from her body so their eyes could connect. “Why don’t you lie down and let me _not_ stop touching you?” she asked, voice in a seductive whisper that caused a shiver to race up and down Emma’s spine. Regina licked her lips, eyes heavy-lidded and ravenous. “You asked if I wanted you, so let me show you how much I do.”

 

Emma felt like everything but them was spinning, like the world had been set aflame but they were fireproof. She swallowed and leaned back onto her elbows and nodded, extremely aware of the eyes that were moving over her body. Regina’s gaze was heavy and everywhere.

 

“Will you–?”

 

“Hmm?” Regina questioned before Emma had even finished getting her own question out, her eyes jerking up to meet Emma’s. In the moonlight, Regina looked flushed and like she was full of so much desire she didn’t know what to do with it. Everything about her looked aroused.

 

Emma didn’t even notice she had done it until Regina moaned desperately, pleadingly. Her hand slipped down between her own legs and cupped her needy flesh, looking at Regina all turned on too much for Emma, her body needing way more than it was receiving. She pulled her hand away immediately, though, blushing as her hips chased after her fingers.

 

Regina licked her bottom lip and pulled her shirt off over her head, tossing it behind her and then going for Emma’s pants without saying a word. She asked with her eyes, though, the backs of her fingers moving back and forth over Emma’s skin as she slid them under the elastic band of Emma’s pants. Emma answered with a quick nod, turning her head into the pillow underneath her as she raised her hips.

 

Regina sucked in a breath when she could spread Emma’s legs in front of her, and Emma trembled at the sound. Smooth hands ran over her legs and thighs. The air whispered across her wet flesh.

 

“Look at you,” Regina said with a low hum in her throat, mapping out Emma’s body with her hands, touching from her knees to her shoulders. Hair tickled Emma’s thighs, and then she felt lips on her stomach, brushing over where she knew stretch marks from Henry remained on her skin. Regina kissed and caressed them. “Lovely,” she mumbled, rubbing her lips over skin slowly. “So beautiful.”

 

Emma’s eyes squeezed shut as her heart raced from hearing the genuine awe in Regina’s voice. “Regina,” she whispered, not even sure why she was calling her name.

 

Regina came to her instantly, stroking her cheek and kissing the corner of her mouth. “I’m here.”

 

Emma nodded, running her hand over Regina’s arm until she could slip her hand into Regina’s. “I know.”

 

Regina kissed the corner of her mouth again, and then she placed her warm lips over Emma’s and kissed her properly. “You all right?”

 

Emma nodded again, opening her eyes and smiling at Regina. Her heart was beating too quickly, but when she looked into Regina’s eyes, it calmed down a little. They were so safe and warm, loving and caring. She nodded once more and gave Regina several small kisses that made her smile, made the edges of her eyes crinkle.

 

“I love when you smile,” Emma whispered, bringing her hand to Regina’s face and stroking beside her eye with a thumb. “Your entire face lights up, you know? And your eyes, God...” She pressed her mouth to Regina’s smiling lips and quieted herself before she started rambling. “You’re gorgeous,” she said between kisses, whispering the words into Regina’s mouth.

 

Regina hummed, squeezing Emma’s hand.

 

And they kissed, kissed and kissed and kissed until Emma was panting and watching Regina continue her kisses down Emma’s body.

 

Hands followed her mouth, sweeping over Emma with her fingers spread apart like she needed to touch as much of Emma as physically possible. Emma felt like she was drowning in all the sensations, but it was like Regina was drowning in _her._ She moaned and breathed against Emma, kissing and licking everywhere, tongue swirling, lips sucking, Regina making these tiny little noises in her throat.

 

“Oh my...” Emma’s hips rolled away from the bed, dark hair splaying out on her stomach as Regina mouthed over Emma’s mons.

 

Regina’s mouth was hot and eager, kissing all over Emma. She moved from one of Emma’s thighs to the other, and then buried her head between them. She nuzzled, hands pushing Emma’s bucking hips back down to the bed. Her face rubbed against Emma’s thighs, her breath floating over wet heat, and then Regina’s mouth was on her again – tongue sweeping between the folds of Emma’s labia, flattened out as it went from bottom to top, curving at the bundle of nerves that was begging for attention.

 

“Oh my God,” Emma was breathing quietly, body trying to move closer to Regina.

  
Her head rolled back and her back lifted from the bed as Regina pulled her clit between her soft lips and hummed around it. Hungry sounding moans kept vibrating against her, and it was driving her absolutely mad. There was sexual pleasure, and then there was whatever was racing through her veins and tightening at her core. Being so obviously desired, wanted, craved, hearing how much Regina was enjoying her, was the sexiest thing on the planet.

 

Regina steadily stroked up and down her labia and then moved a hand down to join her. She thumbed at Emma’s clit while rubbing the flat of her tongue over Emma’s opening, her head moving with her movement. Emma looked down to watch her and thought she might come at the sight, her hand moving down to tangle in the dark locks spread out against her pale skin. Her hips thrust upward and she gently pushed Regina’s head down, barely able to keep herself from shoving Regina down hard and grinding up against her mouth.

 

Regina moaned and slid her tongue inside of Emma, rigid and still for a moment before licking and thrusting with her tongue. Emma pulsed around her and brought her free hand up to her mouth, biting the heel of her palm as harsh waves of pleasure continued to rock through her body, turning into whirlpools in her lower belly. She felt like screaming. She thought she might start sobbing from how incredible it all felt. She was already breathless and hot all over, her entire body trembling every now and then.

 

The finger on her clit was constant and purposeful, sticking with the side of Emma’s clit and hitting the same spot over and over and over again, a dizzying rhythm that was going to send Emma over the edge so quickly – she could feel it. And, damn did she want that. She wanted Regina’s tongue on her and her finger rubbing maddeningly over her clit until she couldn’t take anymore. She whined against her hand and twisted her hips, desperate for it.

 

And then, just when Emma thought her body was reaching its peak, Regina slid a hand up and grabbed one of her breasts. She squeezed it tightly and dug her fingers into Emma’s skin, pebbled nipple against Regina’s palm. Emma’s world turned upside down and spun.

 

“Yes, yes, yes,” was all Emma could say, breathlessly chanting the word against her hand.

 

Her head turned this way and that way, her body just as terrible at being still. But Regina just kept on rubbing her clit, licking and sucking her, and doing whatever the hell she was doing to make Emma feel like the oxygen had left the room.

 

Emma gasped when Regina’s thumb was replaced with the exquisite heat of her mouth. And, _fucking yes,_ that was what was going to do it for her. Regina pressed Emma’s thigh down to the bed and fluttered her tongue over Emma’s clit, once, twice, thrice, and then sucked it into her mouth.

 

“Yes, yes, yes,” she whined again, holding Regina head down to her, her body trembling.

 

Regina moaned and pillowed Emma’s clitoris with her lower lip as her tongue quickly moved back and forth. Emma felt hot everywhere, and dizzy. She felt so very dizzy, like she was spinning out of control. Every swipe and flick of Regina’s tongue pushed her closer and closer to her climax, and as she arched up to Regina’s mouth, the hand on her breast moving to her lower back, she wanted so very badly to fall into the abyss that was calling her name.

 

“Don’t...” Emma panted and reached down for the sheets with the hand that had been covering her mouth, bunching them with her fingers. Regina’s tongue was at the perfect place, right at the side of her clit, moving in a steady rhythm. She was licking and licking and licking her like she couldn’t get enough, and Emma was so close, seconds away from spinning out of control because of how good Regina’s tongue was. “Puh-lease. Don’t move. Don’t... Don’t... I’m going– oh my _yes.”_ She gasped.

 

Regina did exactly as Emma said, stayed right where she needed her. Her tongue rolled over the same sensitive spot, like she was trying to reach a prize beneath, and she kept at it until Emma was turning into the pillow to muffle the moan she couldn’t keep in. And then, as Emma relaxed moments later, Regina placed lingering kisses all over her skin, letting her enjoy the rush of her orgasm while she cooled down.

 

* * *

 

Breathless, Regina and Emma tumbled down to the bed together much later in the night. They were sideways on the bed, the pillows scattered across it, their bodies tangled in the covers. Emma laughed as she turned her head to look at Regina, trying to keep it quiet but the sound growing louder as Regina’s smile grew, her face damp with perspiration. Emma wanted to lean over and lick her lip scar – and so she did, still laughing as she moved back to her spot beside Regina.

 

Regina hushed her. “Shh.” She covered Emma’s mouth with a cupped hand, eyes staying closed.

 

Emma rolled over, blankets keeping their bodies from touching but nothing keeping her from kissing Regina when she moved Regina’s hand from her mouth. She pressed her lips to Regina’s, tired and slow, and sighed contently. Regina tasted like sex and faintly of salt, her upper lip sweaty as Emma kissed it.

 

Regina hummed and gently pushed Emma off of her. “It's hot,” she whispered, pulling at the covers they were wrapped in. “And everything is wet.”

 

Emma chuckled, leaning over and kissing Regina’s shoulder. “Especially you,” she murmured.

 

Regina turned her head and gave Emma an unamused look. Emma grinned at her. Regina shook her head and moved to lay across the foot of the bed. Emma stayed where she was for a moment, tracing the curves of Regina’s body with her eyes. She moved over her shoulder and down her back, up over the swell of her ass, and then back down, following the lines and slopes of her shapely thighs and legs, all the way down to her feet. She couldn’t believe she had spent the night kissing and touching all that beautiful skin, showering it with her love.

 

She bit her lip and crawled over to Regina, moved the covers to the other side of the bed as she stretched her body behind Regina. She pulled Regina to her and kissed her shoulder, her skin hot and soft. Regina hummed and reached for Emma’s hand, pulled her arm around her. Emma smiled and wrapped herself around Regina. She really liked the feeling of her nipples against Regina’s back, Regina’s ass against her. She kissed the back of her neck, nose at her damp hair before she craned her neck and moved to Regina’s ear.

 

“One more?” she asked in a persuasive, breathy whisper, sliding her hand down the smooth plane of Regina’s stomach and feeling the ripples of muscles as Regina responded to her touch. She moved her hand to Regina’s hip and then over, wanting to be between Regina’s legs.

 

Regina moaned and shifted a little bit onto her back so she could spread her legs, hooked one back over Emma’s thighs so she was spread open for the blonde. Emma hummed happily and glided her hand over smooth skin. Regina was warm and soft and slippery beneath her fingers. It made it easy for two of her fingers to slip right into Regina, the brunette’s eager flesh sucking her in deeper, grasping around her. It was the best feeling in the world. Emma moaned into Regina’s ear.

 

“Oh,” Regina breathed softly, reaching behind her and holding onto Emma’s back as she rocked her hips down, moving past Emma’s knuckles.

 

Emma buried her head in the crook of Regina’s neck and kissed her. Her fingers slowly moved in and out of Regina’s heat, curving upward, stroking, sliding out, pushing in, nice and steady. She was so warm, and Emma was probably never going to get over how much she loved the feeling of Regina’s heated flesh wrapped around her fingers. She didn’t know why people ever did anything else with their fingers when they could be inside of a woman, especially one who was as wet and needy as Regina was during sex.

 

Emma had learned that, while she liked to kiss and be kissed slowly, gently, she enjoyed hard and fast just as much for other things. She liked when Emma ran her nails down her back and up her thighs, had red lines that would last to prove it. She liked when Emma nibbled and occasionally let her teeth dig a little deeper into her flesh, hissed and arched when Emma bit down. And when Emma’s fingers were inside her, she liked it to gradually speed up until Emma was fucking her breathless – and Emma had done that several times already.

 

Emma licked the side of Regina’s neck and twisted her wrist, let her fingers rotate ever-so-slightly as she rocked them back and forth. Regina wriggled and dug her nails into Emma’s back, using Emma to work her hips to meet the fingers that were curling and rubbing inside her.

 

“Can we–” Regina gasped and worked her hips, twisting. “I want to– _oh._ Emma.”

 

Emma chuckled against her neck, Regina’s words barely making it out past her heavy breaths. “Tell me. What do you want?”

 

Instead of trying to speak, she just showed Emma, stopping Emma from touching her and causing the blonde to whimper. But a moment later, Regina was on her back and her legs were spread for Emma, her eyes needy and her hand pulling Emma back between her legs. Her hips were rocking up up up, Regina and Emma’s hands both between her legs, against her wet heat, Regina unabashedly fucking herself on the both of them.

 

Emma gulped as she looked down, swearing she was going to pass out at the stupidly erotic sight of their fingers, slipping between each other, their hands pressed together, rubbing up and down Regina’s glistening sex. “Fuck,” she breathed out, and then moved over so her head was on Regina’s chest and she could suck on one of her nipples.

 

Regina mmmed and worked her hips faster, rubbing and rubbing and rubbing. “Harder, Emma. Please. Please, do it harder.”

 

Emma moaned and followed the order, sucking with more force. She closed her eyes and got lost in all the textures – Regina’s nipple on her tongue, her clit and labia sliding over her palm and fingers. She listened to Regina’s heavy breaths and tiny, desperate whimpering moans.

 

Regina hissed and started to shake, and Emma lifted her head to see Regina’s face. The moonlight was on her skin, her face bunched up here and there, raw desire and pleasure on display. Her eyes rolled back, her head followed, and Emma moaned, turned her head, caught Regina’s breast with her teeth, and bit down, hard.

  
Regina came with a sob, curling into herself, trapping their hands between her thighs as they clenched and pressed together. Emma just watched her, took in whatever she could see, completely lost in Regina. She was breathtaking.


	27. Chapter 27

**March 2009**

 

There wasn’t much Emma enjoyed more than breakfast with Henry and Regina on Sunday mornings. Sundays started with Henry climbing into her bed and shaking Emma awake, a small detail she could do without. The toddler who couldn’t get up for daycare during the week was somehow, magically perhaps, full of energy on Sundays. Emma would grumble and make Henry cuddle with her until she either felt like getting up or he started squirming so much she decided it was time to give up trying to get some extra rest.  

 

The two of them would go down to the kitchen and make pancakes, bacon, and eggs together as they played music. Henry got bossy when they cooked – as bossy as an overly well-mannered child raised by Regina could be. According to him, she did _everything_ the wrong way, and she was too messy. And while he might have been somewhat right, at least about her lack of kitchen tidiness, she refused to accept his harsh commentary. Of course, Regina would usually come in and comment on her mess and unknowingly back Henry up. But she would get away with her unorganized messiness for a little while.

 

This morning, Emma woke up an hour before Henry’s usual wake up call and sat up straight in the bed. Regina was sleeping beside her, her hair messy and all over the blue pillowcase, her shoulders naked as they peeked out from underneath the blankets and comforter that was draped over her body. Emma nearly fell out of the bed to find their clothes, panicking like she hadn’t in a long time as she realized she couldn’t find anything and Henry was prone to letting himself into rooms without first knocking.

 

She hurried up to the door and cracked it open, able to see inside his room without needing to do more than stick her head out of her own. He was sleeping still, hugging Roni – the stuffed bear he slept with. Emma put her hand to her chest and let out a calming breath, deciding she could calm down a little. She closed and locked the door, making a mental note to unlock it once she was dressed, and then turned around to find some clothes to put on.

 

Only, when Emma turned around, Regina was sitting up in bed, watching her with a curious expression mixed with that sleepy-soft one she usually wore when waking up. Not expecting her to be awake, Emma jumped and tripped and only stopped herself from falling by grabbing the doorknob.

 

“What the hell?” she hissed, holding her hand to her chest again. This time her heartbeat was moving faster instead of slowing down. “You were _just_ sleeping.”

 

Regina licked her lips and reached for the bottle she kept on the nightstand. “And then someone woke me up – someone who is very naked.”

 

Emma looked down at her body as though she had just discovered for the first time she wasn’t wearing any clothes. She looked back up at Regina and felt an immediate change in her body temperature, her cheeks burning with heat. “Stop looking at me like that,” Emma hissed, going to her dresser to pull out something to wear.

 

“Like what? Like you’re naked and I think you have a beautiful body that should be admired?” Regina asked, her voice floating in the air softly as Rregina stretched in the bed and then leaned on her elbows.

 

Emma blushed even harder. “No time for flattery. We need to get dressed before Henry comes looking for me.” Something hit her back and made her jump, not a flattering look when one was naked – especially not when Regina was watching her so closely.

 

“Your clothes are in the bed, and, well, now the floor,” Regina told her, indicating the shirt she had thrown at Emma.

 

Emma picked up the shirt and pulled it over herself. She pulled her hair out of the neck and ran her fingers through it as she went into the bathroom to get a brush. She was about to turn and exit the room once she picked one out, but Regina was leaning against the doorway, all naked and sleepy-faced with hickeys on her thighs and chest. Emma’s stomach flipped, and her heart pounded, and she didn’t know if she found Regina terribly cute or impossibly sexy in that moment, but she forget the proper order for breathing and choked on air.

 

Regina shook her head, smiling as she gave Emma one of those fond looks that made Emma feel special. “I’m going to go upstairs to shower and get dressed for the day.”

 

Emma pouted, bringing her brush with her as she walked on cold tiles to get to Regina. “I want you to stay and cuddle with me,” she whispered, moving in and pressing a kiss to Regina’s lips. She was hoping she could entice the brunette to stay.

 

Regina hummed and wrapped her arms around Emma’s neck, her head tilting up as she leaned her body into Emma’s. “The last time you asked me to cuddle with you, your fingers were inside me five minutes later,” she reminded Emma, soft lips like the ends of feathers as they teasingly touched Emma’s mouth with every word Regina spoke.

 

Emma blushed hotly. “You came in here wearing lingerie last night,” she reasoned, moaned, tried not to remember because she did _not_ need to get turned on. “You seduced me.”

 

Regina’s body shook with her laughter. She pressed her mouth to Emma’s and gave her a proper kiss, warm and soft and with tongue – _a lot_ of tongue. When she stopped, Emma was breathless and certain she was going to fly away from how fast it felt like she was spinning.

 

“I was treating you, darling, not seducing you. I thought you might enjoy something more than my usual winter sleepwear. Besides, I have plenty of lingerie, and I’ve had only myself to wear it for. It was time someone else got to enjoy how sensational I look in it. Don’t you think?”

 

Emma hummed, nodding. “As long as that someone’s me.”

 

Regina planted a single kiss to Emma’s mouth and said: “Only you.” She slid her hands down the front of Emma’s body, stepping back. “Now, if you promise cuddling will only be cuddling, I will stay. If not, I’m going to go upstairs.”

 

“I’ll be good,” Emma said, backing away from Regina. “Promise.”

 

Regina looked like she didn’t believe her, but soon they were back in bed, Regina dressed in a one of Emma’s tee shirts and her underwear. Emma wasn’t sure Regina was wrong for doubting her, though. Seeing Regina in her clothes did something to her, another one of those _is it sexual or emotional?_ things. But she was determined to keep her hands to herself because she wanted Regina to stay with her, wanted to continue breathing in the comforting scent of her skin and feel her warmth.

 

She slid her hand over Regina’s back and squeezed at the very slight dip of her waist. Their legs were tangled together beneath the blankets, Regina’s head was leaning against her chest, and everything felt perfect.

 

She let out a soft sigh and smiled, looking at the top of Regina’s head and taking a mental picture of the moment like she always would. If her phone wasn’t out of reach, she might have taken an actual picture. The moments where they were close and nothing was needed, they didn’t need to say or do anything, were still her favorite. She loved their ability to enjoy being with each other without needing for something to happen. She loved just existing and breathing and being with Regina.

 

* * *

 

She hadn’t meant to fall asleep, but she normally did whenever she and Regina were cuddling. It was a testament to how safe she felt with Regina, something Emma had thought was some type of myth before Regina. Unlike last time, she was not responsible for disturbing her sleep. Her usual Sunday wake up call had arrived, but Henry was not bouncing on the bed like he usually would. Instead, he was stomping away from the bed, arms folded, little lip poking out as he pouted and left Emma’s bedroom without a word.

 

Regina had already been awake, and she was staring at the back of Henry’s retreating form with a shocked expression on her face. She pulled away from Emma and swung her legs over the side of the mattress. She worked her fingers through her hair and got up from the bed, looking around Emma’s room and then moving to the dresser.

 

Emma’s groggy brain took a moment to catch up, but after a few seconds she cleared her throat and sat up in the bed. “What happened?” she asked, watching Regina open and close her drawers.

 

Regina looked over her shoulder, an uncertain look in her eyes. “He walked in here, paused at the side of the bed, and then glared at me. I don’t know. He’s never–”

 

“He glared at you?” Emma asked with disbelief. Their sweet little Henry? Glaring? At Regina, his obvious favorite?  

 

Regina pulled on a pair of Emma’s pants and pulled the drawstring tight. “I’m going to go see what’s going on.”

 

Emma watched her leave from the bed and then tumbled back against the pillows. She sighed heavily and then yawned largely. She wasn’t ready for temper tantrums. She thought she would be one of the lucky mothers who didn’t have to deal with those, but it looked like she had used up all her luck already.

 

The sound of a door slamming made Emma jump in the bed. She frowned, turned her head towards the doorway, and then groaned as she forced herself to get up from the bed. She stretched her arms back over her shoulders, right and then left, as she walked out of the room and into the hallway. Regina was standing in front of Henry’s door, and it was shut. Regina looked at her, the same shock looked on her face that had been there when Henry stomped out of the bedroom.

 

Emma pointed to the door. “Did he just slam the door in your face?”

 

Regina nodded. “He did. I–”

 

“Henry, open this door right now,” Emma said, cutting off whatever Regina was going to say. Whether temper tantrums were common or not, his rudeness would not be accepted. “Now,” she said sharply.

 

The door swung open and he stomped himself over to his bed and plopped down with his arms folded. Emma moved past Regina and went into his room. She stood in front of him, not exactly certain what her next step was supposed to be but knowing she needed to discuss his behavior with him. Regina always told her if they didn’t tell him that it was wrong to do something, he would just continue to do it. Emma agreed completely with that, and him stomping around and slamming doors in Regina’s face was definitely not okay.

 

“Uncross your arms,” she told him. “You know better.”

 

Henry glared up at Emma, and she gave him her best ‘don’t play with me, kid’ look, and he dropped his arms down on either side of him. He grumbled in his throat and looked away from her.

 

“You wanna tell me what’s wrong?” she asked, deciding to lecture later, find out what was bothering him first. He was usually more ready to listen if she had listened to him first.

 

“Uh uh,” he answered, shaking his head back and forth.

 

Emma huffed out a breath and stepped back from the bed that was covered in bedding with animals and trees all over them. She looked around the room and grabbed his plastic chair from the little desk he colored at. She dropped it down in front of him and sat down, able to have a better look at him since he was refusing to look up at her.

 

“Henry,” she said calmly, slowly.

 

She angered easily, and so learning to control that had been something that was big for her when he was still a baby and she noticed how even the smallest of things irritated her sometimes. She had had too many foster parents who yelled and hit her whenever she did something wrong, no matter how minor, and she refused to be anything like any of them. If her time in the system taught her anything, it was the kind of parent she did not want to be.

 

“Look at me, Henry.”

 

Henry went to fold his arms again, but he stopped himself at the last minute and wrapped his small hands around the edge of his bed. He didn’t do so immediately, but after a moment or two, he lifted his head and looked at her.

 

“Thank you,” she said, rubbing her hands down her thighs. “Okay. So, what happened back in the room?”

 

He shrugged his shoulders.

 

“We use our words to answer questions, don’t we, Henry?”

 

He huffed out a breath. He gave her a contemplative look, frowning at her while his nose and eyebrows all scrunched up. “Mama was in my spot,” he told her, mumbling the words angrily.

 

Emma looked over her shoulder, but Regina wasn’t standing there anymore. “What do you mean? What spot was Mama in?”

 

He hesitated, looking down at the floor. “Next to you,” he said, less angry and more hurt this time. “That’s my cuddle buddy spot for when me and you cuddle before we go make family breakfast.”

 

Realization made her sigh a little. It was the first Sunday Regina had been in Emma’s bed in quite some time, and he was probably used to half the bed being empty. She reached for his hands and gently rubbed her thumbs over his small wrists. He looked up at her, pouting.

 

“Henry, you know your mama and I sleep together sometimes, right?”

 

He nodded. “Yes. You, you have sleepovers like the parents on the TV, and like, like Eddy’s mommy and daddy. They sleep in the same bed, too.”

 

Emma nodded as well. “Exactly.” She bit her cheek as she searched for her words. “And, you know how you like to cuddle with me?” He nodded silently. “Mommy loves that. You’re my cuddle buddy, and nothing will change that. But do you know who else likes to cuddle with me?”

 

“Mama?”

 

Emma nodded. “Yes. She enjoys getting to cuddle, too. Doesn’t cuddling make you feel safe and loved?”

 

“And warm,” he supplied.

 

“And warm,” she agreed with a smile. “Don’t you want your mama to feel all those things, too? Don’t they feel really good?”

 

He considered her words, and then he nodded. “Yes. Mama should feel safe and warm and loved, too, that way she doesn’t get sad. It’s no fun when you’re sad. Everything feels...”

 

He gave her a thumbs-down and a sad look.

 

 

Emma agreed with a nod. “So why were you upset when you came in?”

 

He frowned, looking away from her. “I...” He pulled his lower lip into his mouth, reminding Emma of herself. “I thought you gave my special spot away. I thought I didn’t get to be your cuddle buddy anymore.” He sniffed.

 

Emma’s heart ached. She blinked her eyes quickly and took a slow breath, his sad, small voice making her want to pull him into her arms and hug him. She rubbed her hands over his arms and softly said: “Look at me, Henry.” He slowly looked up. “You will always, _always_ get to be my cuddle buddy, for as long as you want to. Understand?”

 

“Yes, Mommy.”

 

“Do you wanna know something that’s pretty awesome, though?”

 

His face brightened up a bit. He sniffed again and pulled one arm free to rub at his nose. “What?”

 

“We can have more than one cuddle buddy.”

 

He looked at her with doubt in his eyes. “Uh uh. Just one.”

 

She shook her head. “No. Don’t you cuddle with your mama?”

 

He paused, looking at her like she was trying to lure him into a trap. He had his eyebrows raised a little as he looked at her out of the corner of the eye that wasn’t squinting. “Like when we read at night and Mama does the funny voices?”

 

Emma smiled, nodding her head. “Yeah, like then. See. You have two cuddle buddies, too.”

 

He looked like he wanted to protest, but he huffed out a breath and let his shoulders fall. “I guess,” he breathed out. “So...” He pulled his tiny lip into his mouth and studied her face for a long moment before his eyes lit up like they did when he got an idea. “So can we all be cuddle buddies? You and me and Mama, all of us?”

 

“Sure. I think your mama would love that.”

 

He smiled brightly, proud of his idea. “Let’s go,” he said hurriedly as he jumped up from his bed.

 

“Not so fast, kiddo,” she said, stopping him and gently urging him to sit back down. “We’re not done here.”

 

“More?” he sighed, squirming around on the bed like he just couldn’t be still any longer.

 

“More,” she confirmed. “You did something, two somethings, that were not what good kids do. You know we have to talk about those things.”

 

He huffed. “I’m sorry, Mommy. I won’t do it again.”

 

“Do you know what you did that you shouldn’t do again?”

 

He nodded. “I stomped my feet when I walked away. I’m not supposed to do that. I’m not an elephant in a zoo. I don’t need to make so much noise.”

 

Emma bit her cheek to stop herself from smiling. “That’s right. Stomping when you’re mad is not acceptable behavior. Next time, you should–”

 

“Take a deep breath - -” he demonstrated, pulling in as much air as he could, holding it in, and then letting it out, “- - then blow the anger away.”

 

Emma nodded. “Blow the anger away. Yes. Do you know the other thing you did that wasn’t acceptable behavior?”

 

He shook his head. “No.”

 

She pointed at the door. “When your mama came to talk to you, what happened?”

 

He frowned, looking at the floor. “I didn’t listen to her. I closed the door and stomped.”

 

“Do you think that was nice, closing the door in her face?”

 

“No,” he said, shaking his head from side to side.

 

“How did you think that made her feel?”

 

“Sad, like I didn’t want to be her friend anymore.”

 

“It’s also rude. You don’t close doors in front of people’s faces, or when someone is speaking to you. Do you understand?”

 

He nodded. “It’s rude,” he repeated.

 

“So now what do you need to do?”

 

“I have to apopogize,” he told her, getting up from the bed.

 

“A - _polo_ \- gize,” she told him, spacing the sounds out for him.

 

He repeated it once, and when Emma nodded, he said it again. “I have to apologize.”

 

“And?”

 

His little nose scrunched up as he stared blankly at her. “More?”

 

“What else do you have to do when you apologize?”

 

He started to shrug, but then he got that big-eyed excited look he got when he figured something out. “I have to ask her if there’s anything I can do to make it better.”

 

Emma nodded. “Good boy. Now, help Mommy up from this chair and let’s go apologize.”

 

Henry grabbed her hand and pulled, grunting for show and then laughing. She put the chair back in its spot at the desk and then guided him out of the room with a hand on his back. They walked across to Emma’s bedroom and found Regina sitting on the edge of the bed. Having to go to the bathroom, she gave Regina a thumbs-up that Henry couldn’t see and slipped away, going into the bathroom and giving them some privacy in the process.

 

* * *

 

When Emma reentered her bedroom, there had been a complete mood shift and Regina and Henry were snuggling in her bed, Regina whispering and Henry laughing loudly. Emma grinned at the sight, glad to see things were better. She was used to seeing Henry cling to Regina, to him always wanting to be around her. It felt strange when he was upset with her, even stranger when he was rude towards her. It just wasn’t him, wasn’t how their relationship normally was. So, Emma was happy to see them laughing together once again, the toddler full of all that Sunday morning energy that made him squirm about.

 

“Look who’s back, Henry,” Regina said, gesturing to Emma with her head.

 

Emma left the doorway and smiled at them both. Henry grinned up at her as Regina flattened his messy brown hair with her fingers. “What’s going on here?”

 

“Cuddle nest!” Henry proclaimed.

 

Regina smiled fondly at Henry and leaned over to his ear.

 

“Oh,” he whispered. “Cuddle fest!” he corrected.

 

“Ooh. Sounds fun. Can I join?”

 

Henry nodded and scooted closer to Regina. He patted the space on his other side. Emma got in the bed, pulling the covers back and slipping in with Henry and Regina. She turned onto her side and they all shared warm smiles, the kind that made Emma want to sigh happily – and so she did.

 

“A B C D–” Henry turned his head suddenly, looking at Emma. “Do you wanna hear me say my ABCs?”

 

Emma forced her smile to stay on her lips as she mentally shook her head and ran in the opposite direction.

 

“Of course we do,” Regina answered, and she actually sounded like she wanted to hear him repeat them over and over and over again like he had been doing ever since he started learning them. He still thought ‘L M N O P’ was one letter, but so had Emma until she was much older than he was, so she wouldn’t make a fuss about it.

 

Henry lit up like a bright star and started from the top. “A B C D E...”

 

Emma looked over his head and at Regina. “You okay?” she mouthed when Regina met her eyes.

 

Regina nodded, reaching her hand across the pillows above Henry’s head. She ran her fingers over Emma’s scalp and then let her hand rest on her head, fingertips warm when they caressed her temple.

 

Emma smiled and took Regina’s other hand into her own, resting it on Henry’s stomach. Her smile grew when he clapped both of his hands down on top, showing off his small teeth with a grin before going back to his alphabet, starting from the beginning.

 

It was not Sunday breakfast that Emma loved so much, she decided, even though she was hungry and couldn’t wait to get some pancakes into her stomach. It was family time, really getting to connect with both Regina and Henry. She liked the laughter and the messiness and all the warmth that filled the house.

 

She liked pancakes, but she loved her family.


	28. Chapter 28

**May 2009**

 

Something was bothering Regina. Emma didn’t know what, but she had been keeping track of the signs for weeks. The piano that usually went untouched had been played almost every night, the same song every time, flawless, from what Emma could tell, but on repeat. She didn’t seem to sleep anymore. She’d always had trouble sleeping, but Emma hadn’t seen her sleep for more than a short nap in weeks. She was eating differently. Chocolate was her go-to stress food, and Regina had been eating more chocolate than usual. She tried to hide it from Emma, but it did not escape her notice. She worked a stressful job, but it seemed like more than Regina’s usual stress. She was normally good with managing everything that was going on in her life, but lately something felt off.

 

Emma wasn’t sure how to help. She had offered massages and extra time cuddling. She had prepared a bath for Regina one night and ended up taking it herself because Regina said she was too busy. She tried taking on more of the household chores, but Regina just went behind her and cleaned everything again – not because it was dirty, Regina explained, but because she needed those daily chores to keep her feeling balanced.

 

It was difficult seeing someone she cared about going through something tough and not having a clue how she could help. It was even more difficult when the person she cared about didn’t seem to want her help regardless of whether she knew what to do or not.

 

* * *

 

Emma let out a loud huff as she sat down with her mug of ice cream, choosing to skip tea since it looked like Regina wouldn’t be joining her in the kitchen for their weeknight winding down time. She couldn’t even say she was surprised by Regina’s absence. She could toss a penny up in the air and call heads and be more certain about the outcome than she was about what Regina would do lately. There was a disconnect between them, one that they had never experienced before. Even when they were both busy with work and Henry, they had still connected. Lately, it felt like there was something blocking them from each other. No matter how hard Emma tried to reach Regina, she couldn’t.

 

Emma was frowning at the rocky road ice cream she had just dipped up with her spoon when the kitchen door opened. Regina took one step in, paused to look at Emma, and then properly entered the room, making a small noise in her throat. Her hair, which was growing past her shoulders, was pinned up, and her face was free of makeup. However, despite arriving home hours ago, she had yet to completely remove her suit from work. Her silvery blue blouse was untucked and unbuttoned, a black camisole with lace trim underneath. She didn’t look like she was settled in at home, Emma thought as she watched Regina move around the kitchen. She didn’t look relaxed.

 

Licking her spoon clean, Emma arched an eyebrow as Regina poured herself a glass of wine and brought the bottle with her to the table. Regina sat down silently. She swirled the wine in her glass and brought it close to her face, breathing in the aroma before taking a healthy tasting of the deep red liquid. Her eyes closed briefly. She sighed. She took a smaller sip of her wine. And then, because Regina was a bit dramatic at times, she turned to Emma, opened her eyes, and chose to say the words that nobody ever wanted to hear.

 

“We need to talk.”

 

Emma’s stomach plummeted when she heard the words, dropped, twisted, and felt utterly terrible. She swallowed thickly and let her spoon fall into the ice cream she knew she would not be finishing. She leaned back in the kitchen chair and dampened her lips, heart beating too many beats per minute.

 

“About?” was all she managed to croak out from her dry throat.

 

Regina had some more of her wine and straightened up, rolled her shoulders back and cleared her throat. “Changes.”

 

Emma felt sick just hearing the word. She had been wanting for Regina to talk to her and let her in on what was bothering her for weeks. Now that it appeared like she might be, Emma wasn’t sure talking this one out was a good idea. Maybe they could just back up to March, go back to when everything had been happy and normal and Regina wasn’t talking about things changing as she drank wine and barely made eye contact. They could freeze time and never use the C-word again; everything would be perfect.

 

“Well, this is off to a good start,” Emma said, rubbing the back of her neck and trying to laugh off how uncomfortable she suddenly felt. “We need to talk – only the most cryptic thing to say – and mentioning changes. How fun.” She huffed, not sure where to focus her eyes, feeling awkward. “Okay.” She nodded. “Let’s, um, talk. What kind of changes?”

 

Regina eyed her with a worried expression, but she nodded her head slightly. Her gaze lowered to her wine, searching the glass like it would give her the words she needed to say. Emma waited for her to be ready to speak, even though it made her stomach feel like it was twisting itself into knots.

 

“A job opportunity,” she finally said. “I was approached by a developer earlier in the year who had heard the story of The Lily and came to New York to see it in person. He raved relentlessly about the restoration. It was actually a little embarrassing, as we were in the middle of a busy cafe with people all around us.” She smiled a little, twirling her wine glass. “The transformation, he said, was exquisite. It was all stuff I had heard before, of course, but the way he spoke about the hotel and the work my team and I had done...” She hummed. “I could tell right away that he was genuinely in awe. You don’t find that too often.

 

“He said I had the kind of talent he was looking for, someone who could preserve history while transforming a building into something fresh and unimaginable. He wanted someone who wasn’t afraid of taking risks – an innovative artist, he called me,” she said, a touch of mirth dancing in her eyes. “I was unaware that his reason for wanting to meet me was because he was interested in a partnership for a redevelopment. I’d only agreed to meet with him that afternoon because I was interested in work of his that I was familiar with.” She looked over to Emma, sighing even as she smiled. “By the time we finished our meals, he had already sold me on the idea. I didn’t tell him this, of course.

 

“He had just purchased a building – terrible condition, but beautiful, solid bones. Not unlike The Lily, the building he purchased had been vacant for decades. For years, people have been fighting to get rid of the building because, to be frank, it’s hideous at the moment. It’s falling apart, there’s graffiti all over it, the windows are either boarded up or broken – all things that can be fixed, of course. You just need to have the resources and a vision. While he has the resources, he lacks the vision for this building.”

 

“That’s where you would come in?”

 

Regina nodded. “Precisely.”

 

The knots in Emma’s stomach loosened a little. Regina was talking about jobs and hotels, and nothing even remotely close to what she had imagined when Regina brought up changes. The Lily was Regina’s (second) pride and joy, and Emma was beyond proud of her for what she’d accomplished, how she turned a small idea into something huge. The restaurant inside the hotel was enough to get people talking, but the hotel itself was breathtaking. It didn’t even look as though it belonged in New York. It looked like Regina had brought a whole new world and put it into an old building – a restored building with some work done to it, but still an old one.

 

She could understand the stress now that she knew Regina had either already added to her workload or had been considering it. What Emma didn’t understand was why Regina looked so worried. The way Regina wouldn’t look at her for too long was strange.

 

“A job opportunity is good news, isn’t it?” Emma questioned, her confusion in her voice. “You loved working on The Lily. You were so passionate about what you were doing. And if he wants you for your vision, as you said, then that means you would be doing hands-on work again, right? You’d be getting back into designing and stuff like that. You said you missed that.”

 

Regina smiled as she nodded, but there was something sad in her eyes.

 

“O-kay,” she stretched out. “This sounds like a dream job kind of thing to me, Regina. I don’t get it.”

 

“It is,” Regina admitted. “I would love a challenge like this, and I already have ideas for the building that I’ve been sitting on for a few weeks now.”

 

“Well, what’s the problem? Something’s clearly bothering you.”

 

Regina poured herself more wine, but she didn’t drink any of it. “The location is the issue.” She twisted her fingers together and then moved her hands to her lap, out of sight, her lips pursing and her brow furrowing.

 

Emma got a bad feeling in her stomach. “Where’s it located?”

 

“Boston.”

 

“Boston,” Emma repeated slowly. “Massachusetts. That’s, like, four hours away from here,” she said, more to herself than Regina.

 

Suddenly, she understood why Regina wouldn’t look at her, why everything felt off between them. She understood what Regina meant by changes. Regina was leaving to go to Boston, and that meant everything else would have to change. Life as Emma knew it was about to change.

 

Regina was leaving.

 

Regina was leaving.

 

Regina was leaving her.

 

“That’s...” Her heart was beating quickly in her chest, and she couldn’t lift her eyes from the spot on the table she had lowered them to. She felt like getting up, running, finding a time machine and going back three years, back before she had allowed herself to believe in permanency. She had been right all along: everything was temporary. “That’s...” She licked her lips, her nails digging into her thigh as she searched for a word to follow up with. “Nice,” she said, forcing a smile. “That’s really great for you.”

 

“I haven’t accepted anything,” Regina said quickly, searching Emma’s eyes until the blonde looked away from her. Regina let out a heavy breath. “There’s a lot we need to discuss before I–”

 

“No there isn’t,” Emma said, shaking her head. “You just told me yourself, Regina. This is something you would love to do. I was around when you were coming up with plans for the hotel, when you came home exhausted but still full of this, I don’t know, fire that just seemed like it would never go out. I saw how much you loved that. What’s there to discuss? Follow your dreams.”

 

“It isn’t that simple,” Regina said, struggling to maintain eye contact, neither of them looking at each other for too long at once. “This is a long-term job, one that would require I be within driving distance once we get started.”

 

Emma nodded. “I know. I get it. Moving, right? That’s what the change is.”

 

“Relocating would be easiest.” Regina dampened her lips and nodded slowly, moving her wine glass around with the tip of her finger at the base of it. “A plane ride is an hour long, and driving would only take a few hours. While I could spend my weekdays there and my weekends here, the more logical choice would be to move there and travel back to New York when needed. My work can be done off-location 80% of the time. My office is wherever I am, as I’m sure you’ve noticed. I can Skype during meetings that I am unable to attend. It would take some time to adjust, but, maybe, this is something that could actually work.”

 

Emma could picture it clearly. Regina was the kind of person who went after what she wanted and got it. She could make splitting her time, no matter which way she chose to do it, work for her. She could probably decide to move Mills International’s headquarters right with her and somehow make it happen. Who cared if she wasn’t president of the company?

 

Emma could see Regina living in Boston, doing a job she actually loved – not one she was raised to do, not one she had to do, but one that she was actually excited about. And Regina, being the kickass woman she was, would be incredible. She would turn the building that was falling apart into a palace, and it would be perfect. Emma had no doubts about it.

 

She smiled sadly, trying not to think about herself, trying not to figure out what she would do next with her life. She had known all along that life with Regina had felt too good to be true. It was only a matter of time before her good fortune ran out, she reasoned. She had gotten three wonderful years with Regina, and that was more than she had ever spent with anyone before. Had she imagined them together forever? Yeah, she had – but that was her own fault for letting hope bloom in her chest and never kicking it out. She would pay for her mistake, it would seem.

 

“Emma?”

 

Emma’s head jerked up, her eyes burning. She squeezed them tightly, refusing to let her emotions show. She cleared her throat and took her mug of melted ice cream to the sink. “You say something?” she asked, needing the space between them, needing to think.

 

Regina’s chair moved against the floor, but Regina remained seated. “I said a lot.”

 

“Oh,” Emma said. “Sorry. I must have, I don’t know, zoned out a little.”

 

“Are you–?”

 

The mug slipped out of her hand, sudsy from soap. Her hands weren't trembling, she tried to tell herself. “You know what? I’m actually going to go upstairs. I had a long day at work today, and I’m tired, and–”

 

“Emma?” Regina whispered, worried.

 

Emma shook her head, turning off the water and leaving her dishes in the sink. She couldn’t see clearly anymore, and she was afraid she would start crying. She turned her back to Regina. “I’m so happy for you. Boston has no idea how lucky they are.”

 

But the sad thing was, while Boston might never know, Emma knew she would never forget.

 

* * *

 

Emma left the kitchen and went to the second floor, her heart feeling heavy in her chest as she climbed the stairs. She didn’t know how to feel, what to do. Everything felt like too much and it was starting to hurt to think about it all. She wanted to truly be happy for Regina – she was her best friend, her person, the one who had been there for Emma for years. She wanted to celebrate what could be something huge and amazing for Regina if she decided to accept the job. She wanted so much, and yet, all she could picture was Regina leaving her and Henry. She could only see herself having to start over again, having to find somewhere to live and figure out life without Regina when it was all Henry knew – and all Emma wanted.

 

Her feet carried her to Henry’s room instead of her own once she reached the landing. She didn’t feel like being alone. Her conversation with Regina had reminded her how often she had been alone in her life, how often things looked like they were going well and then, all of sudden, she was being shipped off to a new family without even knowing why she hadn’t been good enough for the one she had been getting used to. She didn’t think she would have to ever question that again.

 

But as Emma carefully climbed over Henry’s sleeping body, she wondered: Why weren’t we enough?

 

* * *

 

Henry stirred for a little while before turning over in bed and looking at Emma, his eyes confused and sleepy in the dark. She rubbed a hand over the back of his head and gently urged him to lay it back down when he lifted it.

 

“Did you have a bad dream?” he asked her, his voice dragging with his sleepiness.

 

Emma smiled faintly as she stroked his small back with her hand. How many times had he climbed into bed with her because of scary dreams? How many times had Regina also been there? That would be a thing of the past one day, and probably one day soon. Everything they built together was going to fall apart.

 

She huffed out a breath. “Feels like it, kiddo,” she whispered in response, leaning her head close to his. She sighed and kept on rubbing his back, hearing his breaths even out eventually, Henry going back to dreamland and leaving her alone with her thoughts.

 

Or, at least she had believed she was alone. The bedroom door creaked and she raised her head from the pillow. Regina was looking at the two of them from the doorway, the hallway light slipping into the room from behind her. Emma’s heart twisted painfully in her chest when their eyes met, when she could see all the questioning and hurt and other emotions she didn’t really understand but reacted to naturally. There was something so very sad about Regina’s eyes, and Emma couldn’t help but want to make that look go away. Even as she lay in her toddler’s bed, imagining what life would be like once Regina left her, she still wanted to comfort Regina.

 

Regina rubbed her hands together in front of her and then wrapped a protective arm around her midsection. She tilted her head out towards the hallway and then turned away, leaving the doorway. Emma’s stomach was weighty with her nerves, tight. She let out a heavy breath and kissed Henry’s cheek. She climbed back out of his bed and put on a brave face, feeling as though she was walking to her own funeral.

 

“May I go in?” Regina asked, standing in front of Emma’s bedroom door.

 

Emma waved her hand towards the door, silently answering her. She followed Regina into the bedroom and closed the door behind them, the room dark until Regina turned on one of the bedside lamps. They hovered where they stood on opposite sides of the room awkwardly, and then Emma crossed over to where Regina was and sat down on the bed. After hesitating for a moment, Regina sat in front of her, Emma’s back against the headboard.

 

Regina swallowed audibly, her back rigid and her hands clasped together on her lap. “What happened downstairs?” Regina asked, her voice more uncertain than Emma was expecting.

 

Emma shrugged her shoulders, pulling her knees towards her chest and leaning her head against them. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

 

Regina eyed her with an impatient look for a moment, but it quickly fell from her face as she sighed. “I feel like something is bothering you, and I’m not sure if I know what that something is.”

 

“I’m fine,” Emma mumbled against her pajamas.

 

“You’re lying.” Regina exhaled a loud, exhausted breath. “You’re hurting. You’re upset about something.”

 

Emma lifted her head to glare at Regina. “You know, I really hate when you do that.”

 

“I know you do,” Regina said, the corner of her mouth twitching like she might smile. She did not. “If you told me how you were feeling, I wouldn’t be trying to figure it out on my own.”

 

“What’s the point?”

 

“Seriously?”

 

Emma shrugged, holding onto her legs, tucking into herself. “What does talking really do? It doesn’t change that you’re moving four hours away from here. It doesn’t change that you’re about to start a brand new life. It doesn’t change that you’re just like everyone else.”

 

“Everyone else,” Regina repeated, her tone more hurt than questioning.

 

Emma’s eyes stung at the edges and she groaned, pressing her face to her knees and mentally chastising herself for being weak and emotional. “Everybody eventually gets rid of me. Something better comes along, and then it’s bye-bye Emma. I’ve never been replaced by a job, though. You’re at least original,” she said bitterly.

 

“Replaced?” Regina repeated slowly. Then, Emma could feel her getting up from the bed. “Were you not listening to anything I said to you downstairs? Do you seriously think I would just– what, choose a job over you and Henry? Give up my family to work on a hotel? It’s been three years, Emma, and you still don’t get it, do you? You don’t understand how important you are to me.”

 

“I heard what you said downstairs.” She lifted her head and furiously wiped at her eyes, angry with herself for crying. “You have this amazing opportunity that you should obviously take because you would love it, but it’s in another state, hours and hours away from here. I heard you. I’m happy for you.”

 

Regina looked at her like she was completely missing something, and maybe Emma was, because her thoughts were too loud for her to concentrate on what Regina was saying to her. She just kept hearing how Regina was going to leave her, how Emma was never good enough for her to begin with. Almost everybody in her life had eventually chosen someone or something else over her in the end, and she was always left hurting. She had thought Regina would be different, but she was clearly wrong about her. But Emma couldn’t blame Regina. She just wasn’t worth it.

 

Regina shook her head while looking at Emma, uncrossing her arms from around her and moving back to the bed. She kneeled down beside it, eyes pleading for something. “Emma, I’m not replacing you. I’m not leaving you.” She turned Emma’s face to look at her when Emma tried looking away. “Look at me. You’re not listening to what I’ve been saying.”

 

“I am lis–”

 

Regina covered Emma’s mouth with her hand. “I want to take this job, I do. I want to move to Boston, yes. But, Emma, I want to do this _with_ you. I want you and Henry to come with me.”

 

“You...” Emma swallowed, feeling dizzy as she looked into Regina’s eyes. “You want us to move to Boston with you?” She knew she sounded confused, but she couldn’t help it. She was confused. She didn’t understand. “You’re not...” Her eyes welled up with more tears, but she let them fall down her cheeks, her heart beating quickly, her mind a mess of conflicting feelings. “You’re not leaving me?”

 

Regina shook her head, her own eyes wet as she wiped Emma’s face. “No, darling. I have been unsure how you would feel about uprooting our lives, but I knew that this was something I would only be doing if you were ready to do it with me. Raising Henry with you, building a life with you...” She smiled and pulled one of Emma’s hands into her own. “My life is with the two of you. A job is just a job. The two of you are my family.”

 

Emma couldn’t find any words to say, so she just nodded and squeezed Regina’s hand. The worries in her head slowly started to quiet, and her heartbeat slowed to a normal pace.

 

Regina _wasn’t_ leaving her.

 


	29. Chapter 29

**July 2009**

 

Sometimes, things just didn’t work out the way you wanted them to. Plans were made, and then they fell apart. Hopes were shared, but they never turned into reality. Lives were supposed to merge together, but, instead, they drifted apart. It was just the way life worked. It was literally impossible for everyone to have their way, and sometimes, even when you wanted something badly, you had to be the person who lost out.

 

Emma thought about that as she kneeled in the bedroom, staring at a backpack that she hadn’t used in years. There had been a time when she carried all of her important belongings with her because she was worried about things being left behind when she was moved without warning. She had only been nine when she started carrying around the bag, bringing odd things like broken seashells and the newspaper clipping that told the story of the baby left in the church with her to school every day, keeping a change of clothes with her at all times. As she grew older, more things were added to the bag, and, eventually, she was carrying around her life on her back.

 

She hadn’t worn the bag in years. That fear of one day going home and not being welcomed never appeared with Regina. There had been something about her, even from the start, that felt welcoming and inviting. Emma had found a place to belong, and that place had been with Regina. After a while, Emma had decided that it was okay to stop tugging her life, her past, around with her everywhere she went. She put the bag away and knew it was safe there if she ever needed it again. Honestly, she hadn’t believed she would. That was what Regina did: she made Emma hopeful and filled her with belief that things would work out.

 

But, it would seem, even the strongest hopes could not stop what Emma had always felt was inevitable. Her bag was once again full of her stuff, and this time it wasn’t just memories and a change of clothes. Emma was packing, stuffing every bag she owned with her clothes and shoes and nothing that she hadn’t purchased herself. She was clearing out her stuff from Regina’s townhouse, and she was leaving.

 

To be fair, Regina had left her first. She was only leaving now because she wasn’t going to sit around and let her leave Henry too. Emma had made a promise to her son, way before he could even understand what she was promising him. She promised to always do her best to make sure he didn’t know what it felt like to be abandoned, and the only way Emma felt like she could do that was by putting a stop to what she could see slowly happening with Regina.

 

* * *

 

Emma had finished her room quickly, not much more leaving it than what had been moved in three years ago. Henry’s room was more difficult. Most of his stuff had either been bought by Regina or the two of them together, and she wasn’t sure what to take. She picked up Roni and thought of when Regina had bought him for Henry, just popped into the store and bought it because Henry wouldn’t stop smiling as he looked at it from the window. She couldn’t leave Roni behind; he was Henry’s favorite. She couldn’t imagine leaving any of it.

 

She sat down on the edge of the bed, sighing as her shoulders slumped and she rested her elbows on her thighs. This wasn’t how packing was supposed to go. They were supposed to be moving to Boston with Regina. This was supposed to be something that brought her happiness, not something that filled her chest with pain. It shouldn’t have felt like she was running away again – but it did.

 

She sighed loudly in the empty bedroom. Henry was at daycare, and Regina was off in Boston forgetting Emma existed. The house had never felt bigger than it did as she sat in it alone. It felt empty and strangely quiet. It had felt empty for quite some time, though. Ever since Regina left, the house had felt as though it was missing something. The sound of her laughter was gone. Without the warmth of her presence, there was a constant chill that seeped into Emma’s bones, one that no amount of layers or heating could warm. It just hadn’t felt the same without Regina there.

 

It was hard believing it had already been seven weeks since she left, ten since they decided how transitioning would go, and twelve since Emma had found out about the job offer. In just sixteen days, it would be Henry’s third birthday. Time was flying by, and yet, Emma felt like she was stuck in place.

 

When Emma and Regina had sat down and talked about what would work best for them, they had decided that Regina would go to Boston on her own at first, staying at a hotel. The restoration had started its first phase, so Regina needed to be there for work. Emma had spoken to Martha, her boss, about leaving, letting her know she hadn’t known exactly when, but she would be leaving the state. It hadn’t been an official notice, but she had been hoping to get a good recommendation when she left, so she didn’t want to wait until the last minute to inform her of what was going on.

 

The few weeks before Regina left for Massachusetts, Regina and Emma had spent every night looking at houses around the Boston area. It was stressful, especially with her and Regina’s ideas of what was necessary clashing so often, but it had been a huge step for them, which made it exciting. Once she was there, Regina had visited the houses on the list they had put together. It was during her second week that she called Emma with the news that their offer had been chosen for the house Regina had deemed the best once she saw the neighborhoods and what the commute would be like for her to the hotel.

 

An hour after the keys were in her hand once everything had been finalized, Regina had given Emma a tour of the house via Skype. Hearing Regina plan out where furniture would go and having Regina tell her about things she had already picked out to decorate had made Emma look forward to finally getting to be with her again, to move up to Boston and be in their house. It was only supposed to be a couple weeks more, and then Regina would come back to New York and they would move together.

 

Emma frowned at the bear she was still holding in her hands. It had been an entire month, and Regina still hadn’t come back. She kept putting it off. While Emma understood how busy she was over there, how they had already hit a bump in their plans with the restoration that was costing them a pretty penny, she didn’t see why the move needed to be put on hold. The house wasn’t yet furnished completely, Regina had told her, but Emma could take care of the house stuff when she got there. The kitchen was being remodeled still, but Emma had lived in places that didn’t even have a kitchen before. It just felt like excuse after excuse to Emma.

 

She had tried telling herself she was being irrational; she knew she could be at times. She tried telling herself that she was just letting her doubts change how she viewed what was going on. But when the phone calls that had been coming every day, even if Regina just checked in on them, started coming only once or twice a week and Regina didn’t even speak to Emma, went straight to asking for Henry and usually would just tell him to let Emma know she would call back later – and never did – that was when Emma knew she hadn’t been imagining the distance between them.

 

Regina was busy, yes. The house wasn’t ready, no. But neither of those things changed that Regina had pulled away from Emma, and Emma wasn’t going to let the same thing happen to Henry. She wasn’t going to wait for the phone calls to stop completely.

 

* * *

 

The front of the living room was full of the stuff Emma was moving out of Regina’s house when the doorbell sounded through the first floor. Emma was in the kitchen looking around to see if she was leaving anything important behind, but she closed the cabinet and rushed to get the door. A nervous fluttering had been in her stomach all day, but as she unlocked the doors, that fluttering turned into a painful twisting that she knew would not ease anytime soon.

 

She opened the door to Mary Margaret, one of few friends she had made and kept while in New York. The brunette smiled in greeting, the brightness of her smile trying to outshine the summer sun. If she wasn’t feeling so nervous about everything going on in her life, she would smile back. Mary Margaret had the kind of light presence that made you want to do that, a genuine positive energy that made it difficult being anything less than cheerful – difficult, though, not impossible.

 

“I can’t believe you’re actually leaving this place,” she said as her eyes swept over the exterior of the townhouse.

 

“Well.” Emma shrugged, stepping aside. “It’s not mine. I can’t stay here forever.”

 

Mary Margaret frowned apologetically and stepped up to Emma. She hugged her, short and lightly, but with no hesitation. “This is all going to work out,” she promised, and Emma knew she truly believed it.

 

Emma had never been much of a hugger. The only exceptions she had made was for Henry and Regina. But, Mary Margaret was the kind of person who thought you shouldn’t go a day without a hug, and she had somehow become Emma’s third exception. She had to admit, if only to herself, that the other woman was right. Not having hugged or seen or felt Regina in over a month, she agreed that going without simple forms of affection like hugging and holding hands just wasn’t a good idea.

 

Emma smiled lightly at Mary Margaret and then looked out to the street. “Where’d you park?”

 

“A few blocks away. I’ll get the van when you’re ready. I thought you might need some help packing first.”

 

Emma shook her head as she closed the door. She pointed into the house, at the pile of bags, the small plastic bins, and the two crates. “Everything’s done.”

 

Mary Margaret stepped into the house and hummed as she looked at Emma’s stuff. She put her hands into the pockets of her faded jeans, eyebrow raised. “This is everything?”

 

Emma nodded when she joined her. “It’s mostly Henry’s. I travel kinda light, I guess.”

 

“Honey, we’re moving, not traveling. Is this seriously all you’re taking with you? Is there more upstairs?”

 

“It’s all that I have that feels like it’s actually mine, so, yes. I don’t think it’s fair for me to bring things with me that she bought, even if they were given to me. I have more now than I did when I came here. So.” She shrugged and rubbed at her neck uncomfortably.

 

“Okay.” Mary Margaret looked around the living room and then turned to Emma. “How are you feeling today?” she asked, concern making her sweet voice even softer.

 

“You know...”

 

Shaking her head, she said: “No, I don’t know. Tell me. Are you still sure about this?”

 

Emma shook her head before she could stop herself, and then she sighed. “How can I be sure about this?” she asked, walking back to the kitchen without checking to make sure she was being followed. “I’ve spent the last three years here. This was my home. This is the only home Henry has ever had. Regina’s his...” She paused in front of the fridge and looked over to where Mary Margaret was standing by the island. “He’s going to lose his other mother, and that’s killing me on the inside.”

 

“Maybe...” She twisted her lips and tilted her head to the side, looking at Emma strangely for a moment. It was like she was trying to figure her out. “Have you tried talking to Regina? That might clear up a lot of your doubts.”

 

“How do you talk to someone who won’t talk to you? Every time I call her, she’s busy, or she’ll talk to me for, like, two minutes and then ask if we can talk later and we never do. When she calls, which she rarely even does anymore, she just wants to talk to Henry.”

 

“You said it yourself, Emma. She’s still in the transitioning phase. She just started her work there, and then she’s still holding her position here, plus she’s trying to get the house ready. She has a lot on her plate at the moment. She might just be busy like she says. It might not be anything more than that.”

 

Emma sighed. She wanted that to be true. But how long was she supposed to keep telling herself that Regina was just busy before she accepted that Regina was prioritizing things and she just wasn’t near the top of the list?

 

“Regina’s been busy since the day I met her,” Emma said, deciding not to let hope back in now that she had gotten rid of it. “But do you know what else she had been before? She’d been there. She never let how busy she was stop her from finding a way to connect with me until these last few weeks.” She opened the freezer and pulled out the water bottles she had put in for them. “I’m doing what’s best for Henry,” she said, as she had been saying to herself since she made her decision. “That’s all that matters anymore.”

 

“All right,” Mary Margaret accepted.

 

* * *

 

“Are you sure about this?”

 

This time Emma had been the one to ask the question. Mary Margaret was doing a lot for Emma, and even though she promised Emma wasn’t an inconvenience, Emma couldn’t stop herself from asking. When she had shared how she felt like she needed to get out of the house, she hadn’t expected any of this to happen. It felt like too much, and she felt the need to give Mary Margaret an out before it was too late.

 

Pulling her flowy blouse down after sliding a crate into the back of the minivan with the collapsed back row, the brunette smiled gently at Emma and nodded. She leaned against the vehicle. “Roles reversed, I need a place to stay and you have space, what would you do?”

 

“Let you stay with me, of course. I know what it’s like not having anywhere to go. I wouldn’t want someone else going through that.”  

 

“Well, there you go,” Mary Margaret said with a smile. “Don’t be so shocked by what your friends would do for you when you would turn around and do the same for them.”

 

Emma shook her head a little. “It’s different, though. You’re not just taking me in. It’s also Henry. And it’s not like you’re simply letting me crash on your couch for a few weeks or something.”

 

Her fingers reached up and wrapped around her cross pendant. “I’ve missed Henry since I’ve left the daycare, and he’ll be good practice, so if that’s what you’re worried about...”

 

Emma looked down to Mary Margaret’s stomach. “You’re–”

 

“No, not yet,” she said before Emma had even asked. “We want to start trying in the next year or so, though. It’s why we’re moving to Florida. There’s no way we could afford to raise a family in the city and still live comfortably.”

 

Emma’s stomach felt heavy. “This was a bad idea, wasn’t it? You can’t–”

 

“Emma,” she said, putting her hands on the blonde’s arms and looking her in the eye. “Everything will be fine.”

 

“But this is crazy, isn’t it? I don’t know anything about Florida, and now I’m going there with my son while his other mother is up in Boston in the house we were supposed to be living in together.” Emma’s heart ached. “How do I know this is really what’s best for him? What if I’m making a big mistake?”

 

Mary Margaret sighed and turned to close the liftgate. “Come on. Let’s go inside and talk about this.”

 

* * *

 

_Mary Margaret wiped her mouth after finishing the last bite of her sandwich. “I wish I could take you with me,” she said with a chuckle, just having finished telling Emma about the house she and David, her husband, had purchased. “David has a lot of family down there, so I know he’s looking forward to being close to them again. I, on the other hand, won’t know anyone. I’ve met very little of his family.”_

 

_“They’ll love you,” Emma said with certainty._

 

_“I hate starting over,” she said miserably._

 

_“Yeah, one of the downsides to moving is that everything is new. You’ll have David, though. And at least he didn’t make plans to move you to a new house and then disappear on you.”_

 

_Mary Margaret instantly looked regretful. “I’m sorry, Emma. I’m being insensitive. You just finished telling me that you think Regina’s moving on from you, and here I am going on about our new place and our plans.”_

 

_Emma shook her head, moving her fingers through her hair and sighing. “No, it’s okay. That’s all I’ve been doing for weeks. I’m moping. I need to just get over it.”_

 

_“You’re reacting, not moping. It’s okay to feel hurt.”_

 

_Emma shook her head again. “Yeah, it was okay when it was a few phone calls being missed, one or two Skype dates canceled. It’s been weeks of this now, though. I can’t ‘react’ forever.”_

 

_“I’m sure things will get better, Emma.” Mary Margaret reached over and squeezed Emma’s hand and smiled at her, one of those hopeful smiles that she always managed to put on her face._

 

_Emma wasn’t feeling it, though. “Not if they stay like this. It hurts, you know, just being in the house. I don’t even sleep in my bed most nights because it feels weird. I can still...” She laughed mirthlessly, looking towards the lake they had eaten their lunch in front of. “I can still smell her. That’s weird, isn’t it? It’s been over a month since she’s been in that bed. The sheets have been washed. And yet, it’s like she’s there at night, and then I realize she really isn’t.”_

 

_“Oh, Emma.”_

 

_Emma closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “How do you untangle your life from someone else’s after three and a half years?”_

 

_“Is that what you want, to move on?”_

 

_“I don’t think I have much of a choice. She’s already started the process.”_

 

_“There’s always a choice to be made.”_

 

_Emma huffed. “I think the only choices I need to be worrying about right now are the ones that deal with Henry.”_

 

_“Such as?”_

 

_Emma frowned as she looked at Mary Margaret. “You know how I told you she’s been calling less?”_

 

_“But she still speaks to him, right?”_

 

_“Well, yeah. He’s the only reason she calls at all. But...” She shrugged a little. “The calls are getting shorter, and I don’t think he really understands why she’s not around. It hurts seeing him miss her, but it hurts even more when he seems to be getting okay and then she calls five days later and the process starts all over. You know what I mean?”_

 

_“You think it would be easier if she just didn’t call,” Mary Margaret guessed, not judging her like Emma had believed she might. She looked like she understood. “It’s like when someone breaks up with you and then keeps dropping by places they know you’re going to be at. You try to get over them, and then they appear just when you think you’re finished missing them.”_

 

_Emma made a small noise in her throat. “Yeah, pretty much.” She groaned and rubbed her face. “Take us with you. We need to leave that house. I can’t deal with Phantom Regina much longer.”_

 

_Mary Margaret laughed, knocking her knee against Emma’s. “I have only one room I can offer, but say the word and it’s yours.”_

 

_Emma laughed. “Which word?”_

 

_Mary Margaret worked her fingers through her short hair as she seriously thought about it, looking off into the distance. “Unicorn.”_

 

_Emma laughed again, harder this time. “Unicorn?”_

 

_She shrugged. “So I know you’re serious when you say it. It’s not a word you use often, or at all.”_

 

_Emma side-eyed the brunette. She couldn’t be serious. People just didn’t move people in like that. Okay, Regina sorta had – but that was different, and Emma had only moved fifteen minutes across the city. Mary Margaret was just joking._

 

_But... “Unicorn,” Emma said, because she couldn’t stop her curiosity from wondering what would happen if she said it._

 

_“Really?” Mary Margaret asked, sounding far too hopeful to be joking._

 

_Emma’s chest suddenly felt tight and she didn’t know what she was even agreeing to. And yet, the word left her mouth again. “Unicorn.”_

 

* * *

 

They sat down on the sofa in the living room that would soon no longer be Emma’s living room. She tried not picturing all the times she had sat in the very same spot with Regina, all the nights they had spent in front of the fire, the silly dancing she and Henry had done around the room as Regina smiled and happily watched. She tried not to miss Regina – and as she had been doing for weeks when she tried this, she failed miserably.

 

She let out a heavy breath, focusing on Mary Margaret and not the spot where Regina had kissed her for the second time, which was also where Emma had been sitting when Henry took his first step. The house had a lot of good memories, and she would take them all with her. She didn’t want to lose them. Despite how everything was coming to an end, she wasn’t going to pretend Regina wasn’t important to her. She had done more for Emma than anyone else had ever done, and Emma would never forget that.

 

“Why don’t you call her?” Mary Margaret said softly. “There’s no being sure what’s the best or right thing to do, but maybe you’ll have a better idea if you two speak about what’s been going on. If you decide to stay, we can move your things right back in and unpack them. It’ll be like none of this ever happened.”

 

Emma thought about it, moving everything back in before she had to go pick up Henry. He would never know. And maybe Regina would actually listen to her, talk to her. She was the one who had always said communication was the most important thing in a relationship. She said they needed to talk when things weren’t going well. Maybe Regina would remember that and follow her own advice.

 

“Okay,” Emma decided, sounding even less sure about it than she felt. She pulled her phone from her back pocket and nodded. “Okay.”

 

“You want me to leave the room? I can give you some privacy.”

 

Emma shook her head. “No. You can stay. I don’t mind.”

 

“Okay.”

 

Emma huffed out a breath as she called Regina and brought the ringing phone up to her ear. She hated phone calls – the ringing, the waiting, the pounding of her heart because of both of those things. She hated it.

 

“Is everything all right? Is Henry okay?” Regina asked as soon as she answered. Even with all the noise behind her, the worry in her voice was loud and clear.

 

“Yeah, yeah. Everything’s fine. Henry’s at daycare still.”

 

“Oh. Then why are you calling me?”

 

Emma frowned.

 

“Sorry. I mean, why aren’t you working? You never call while you’re at work.”

 

“Oh,” Emma said, suddenly realizing she was usually at work around this time and understanding why Regina had answered the phone the way she had. “I’m not at the office,” she answered vaguely. “There’s something I need to talk to you about.”

 

“Can it wait until tonight? I’m not able to talk much longer right now. I have–”

 

“No,” Emma said, cutting her off. Usually, she would say yes, but not this time. “Now. You always say we’ll talk later, but we never do. This is important.”

 

“Emma,” Regina breathed out tiredly.

 

“Yes or no? Can we talk?”

 

There was a long pause, and then Regina said, admittedly, quite apologetically: “No, Emma. I can’t talk now.”

 

Emma nodded, pulling her legs up to the sofa and resting her knees on them. “Even though it’s important?”

 

“Will it no longer be important a few hours from now? Sweetheart, I’m–”

 

“Don’t do that. You only call me sweetheart when you want me to give in to what you want.”

 

Regina sighed. “Emma, I’ll call you tonight, okay?”

 

Emma shook her head and then pressed her face to her knees. “Sure,” she mumbled, and then she hung up the phone and let it fall down to the sofa. “She’s busy.”

 

Mary Margaret placed a hand on Emma’s back, tentative, and then Emma let go of her legs and moved over so she could lean her head on her friend’s shoulder. She just wanted to be sad without having to talk about it, and she knew Mary Margaret would let her be – although, Emma was sure, she would later have to talk about it. But for a moment, she could just sit there.

 

* * *

 

Emma locked the front door for the last time and then slid her keys into an envelope. Taking a deep breath, she pushed the envelope through the mail slot and then turned away from the townhouse she had called home for three years. She walked down the steps and stopped halfway, turned to look over her shoulder, and then let the breath out as a harsh wave of sadness crashed into her.

 

She was going to miss it – the house, the life she had while living in it, the woman who had changed her life before she had even moved in. She was going to miss all of it. It was supposed to be her forever home, or at least the home she had found within Regina was supposed to be forever.

 

But, Emma knew, sometimes, things just didn’t work out the way you wanted them to.


	30. Chapter 30

**March 2017**

 

Three days had gone by since her phone call with Regina, and Emma had done a lot of thinking since. She was aware of how much she had screwed things up for everyone involved, and she was willing to take responsibility for that. It might have been hard facing the truth, but she knew that her fears and refusal to see the other side of things had gotten in the way. Regina wasn’t faultless, but Emma knew running when everything started going wrong hadn’t been her only option. It was the one she chose when she didn’t see any other choice, but there had been others. In the end, Henry had missed out on eight years with Regina, and she had missed out on that as well. They had had something good, and their lack of communication and Emma’s running had messed that up.

 

But was it too late to fix it? She couldn’t stop wondering if there was still a chance for her to make everything right. She wondered this as she walked down the halls of the homeless youth drop-in center she worked at, passing rooms that were mostly empty at the moment but would be buzzing with noise later in the day. She needed to talk this one out with someone who had no involvement, someone who would give her advice that she could trust. She didn’t share what troubled her mind with many people, but there were a select few that Emma knew she could talk to when she needed a listening ear. Thankfully for her, she worked with one of them.

 

She turned a corner and walked down to the end of the hall, her thoughts moving around her head at a fast pace. It had been like that since she spoke to Regina, and she knew the only way she would be able to sort any of it out was if she stopped keeping it all in. Her brain was messy enough before she started wondering if there was a way she could bring Regina back into her and Henry’s lives; soon she wouldn’t even be able to focus anymore.

 

“Hey, Gui–” Emma started as she walked into Guinevere Knight’s office, the woman’s name dying on her tongue when she noticed that her desk chair was occupied by the other Knight, Guinevere’s husband.

 

“Emma,” he greeted her. “What can I do for you?”

 

She slipped into the room and shook her head, plopping down in the visitor’s chair beside the desk. “I was actually looking for your better half,” she said with a little grin as she leaned forward on her knees with her forearms. “I need to talk to her about personal stuff.”

 

“My better half, huh?” He laughed the kind of laugh that sounded like it came all the way down from his stomach, his brown skin crinkling slightly at the edges of his eyes. It reminded Emma of Regina, because everything had been reminding Emma of the other woman the last few days. “I’d be offended if I didn’t know it was true.”

 

Emma’s lips quirked. “At least you’re self-aware.”

 

“That, I am.” He nodded his head twice, leaning back in the chair and pushing it away from the desk. “So, what’s going on, kiddo? Why you come in here looking like someone stole your puppy?”

 

Emma’s face scrunched up with distaste. “What have I told you about calling me that? Jeez. We’re, like, the same age in maturity.”

 

“Okay, now I am offended. You were rolling down the hall in an office chair with a group of teenagers last week. There is no way we are on the same level of maturity, _kiddo.”_

 

Emma reached for the squishy ball she knew was on the side of Guinevere’s desk and threw it at his head as hard as she could. It was a soft ball, so it didn’t actually do much of anything. “Knock it off, asshole.”

 

“Emma,” she heard hissed behind her, the familiar reprimanding voice making her sit up straighter as Guinevere walked into the room. “That mouth of yours,” she said, tsking and shaking her head. “And, you, Lancelot...” She shook her head again, swatting his arm to make him get up from her chair. “I can never leave you alone long before you find yourself in some kind of trouble, can I?”

 

“Hey, I was hard at work until Emma came in here,” he said, pulling his wife down against his lap, wrapping his arm around her trim waist.

 

Her eyes widened a little and she smacked his arm. “Seriously, honey? We’re at work.”

 

Emma chuckled, leaning back in her chair. “You two have been stuck in the honeymoon phase the entire eight years I’ve been here. I don’t think you need to worry about me – although I can do without the heart eyes.”

 

“I don’t get heart eyes,” Guinevere said, like even the suggestion that she might insulted her.

 

Emma laughed. “Oh, no, I was talking about him.”

 

He shrugged his shoulders, looking at Guinevere with the very same over the moon look Emma was referring to. “What can I say? When you’re lucky enough to find a woman as incredible, talented, funny, and stunning as this one, the look is automatic. Amazement, wonderment...”

 

“Stop,” Guinevere said with blushing cheeks, laughing as she shook her head at him. “You’re an embarrassment, you sap.”

 

Emma sighed, jealous and happy for them in equal measures. “No, he’s in love – and he’s right.”

 

“Now I know something’s wrong,” Lance said. “Even when I’m right, you insist that I’m not.”

 

Guinevere looked between the two of them. “What’s going on?”

 

Lance patted Guinevere’s thigh and stood up from the chair with a low grunt, giving it to her. “Emma came to talk to you about something, and I need to get back to working on the budget. So I’m going to leave you two alone, and - -” he kissed her cheek and then gave Emma’s shoulder a squeeze, “- - I’ll see you both later.”

 

“I’ll email you whatever this is you left open on my computer,” she said as she sat down in her chair and rolled back to the desk, squinting at the screen a little. She took a moment to do something, and then she turned to face Emma, a warm, open smile on her face. “Wanna close the door?” she asked, gesturing to it with her head.

 

Emma stretched her arm out to the side and grabbed the handle so she could shut the door. She watched it swing close and then turned to Guinevere, forearms dropping down to her knees as she leaned over her lap. She let out a long breath and accepted the squishy orange ball she had thrown at Lance. She murmured her thanks and received a slight nod in return.

 

“Okay. So, what would you like to talk about? Is this about your departure? I didn’t think that would be happening already.” Guinevere spoke in her social worker voice. She always spoke with a gentleness to her voice that made it easy to relax around her, but her social worker voice, as Emma called it, was the one where it felt like she was devoting all her attention to whomever she was using it with.

 

Emma shook her head from side to side. “No, it’s not that. Me leaving Florida is still just an idea right now. You’ll be one of the first to know when I have something concrete.”

 

Guinevere nodded, passing her fingers through her long brown hair, twisting the curls together and then letting it all fall down over her shoulder. “Good. I’ll need time to throw your going away party.”

 

“Actually, I think I’ll just send you an email once I’m settled in my new place.”

 

“Don’t be so dramatic. It’ll be something small. You know the kids would want to say goodbye, and all of us here do as well.”

 

Emma nodded, knowing they would throw something together for her even if she protested. If Guinevere didn’t on her own, some of the regulars would probably try to talk the social worker into it. She had connected with a lot of them in her time at the drop-in center, seen a lot of the youth grow up and get on the right track in life. She had been one of them in the past, and because of that, they found it easier to talk her. She understood things on a more personal level. And while she didn’t have any fancy letters following her name on business cards like Guinevere or some of her other co-workers did, she knew that the work she did was important and the homeless teens and young adults that walked through their doors had been grateful to receive the help she gave them – even the ones who weren’t the best at showing it.

 

“Just don’t go overboard.”

 

The brunette smiled sunnily and nodded once. “You’ve got yourself a deal. Now, what can I do for you today?”

 

Emma twisted her lips together, playing with the ball in her hands as she pulled some thoughts free from the tornado inside her brain. “How long is too long?” She looked up to see Guinevere turning in her chair a little, her eyebrow raising with her silent question. Emma sat back in her own seat and tossed the ball in the air and caught it with one hand. “Relationship advice. I need relationship advice,” she said miserably.

 

“For yourself?”

 

“Try not to sound so shocked.”

 

“I’m not shocked, I’m just... Okay. I am shocked, a little bit. We’ve been friends for years and I’ve never so much as heard you mention the word relationship in relation to yourself. “ She paused, giving Emma a rather serious look. “We are talking about a romantic relationship here, right?”

 

“It was romantic, yes. You’ve heard about them – her – before. You just don’t know the history.” She looked down at her wrist without meaning to and knew Guinevere had done the same.

 

“Daffodils?” she questioned gently. “Is that who you’re talking about?”

 

Emma nodded, rubbing the small tattoos on her wrist of the daffodils, three of them going straight across. “I usually just say she was my best friend, but she, Regina, was so much more than that. She was the reason I smiled and laughed. She was the person who made me love life when I’d spent so long hating having to get up every day. She was hope, you know? I know I can be vague at times, but when I say I lost hope in New York–”

 

“You lost Regina,” Guinevere said with a sad smile.

 

Emma huffed out a breath. “Yeah. Well, sorta.”

 

She put the ball on the side of the desk and pushed the sleeves of her plaid shirt to her elbows, buying herself a few moments before she opened up. She fixed the straight edges of her collar and leaned back, brushing her hands down her torso before clapping them down on her thighs. She rubbed her hands over her slim-fit black pants and then slouched a little in the chair, getting comfortable as a puff of air left her mouth.

 

Guinevere waited patiently, a hint of amusement in the warm brown of her eyes. “Are you good?” she asked once Emma settled.

 

Emma reached for the ball she had put down and then gave a short nod. “Okay. You know the basics already. She had been my best friend in New York. We lived together. We raised Henry together, too.”

 

The other woman nodded along, crossing her forearms over each other as she leaned on the desk and moved a little closer to Emma. “You two were...” Guinevere gestured with her hand as she trailed off.

 

Emma raised her brow. “What?”

 

“You said the relationship was romantic. Were you–?”

 

“What we were was each other’s,” Emma said simply.

 

She nodded, accepting the answer easily like Emma knew she would. Her dislike of labeling what did not need to be label was no secret to those around her, and just as she felt no need to identify with one particular sexual orientation, mostly because she felt as though there was not one that perfectly fit, she still did not think it necessary to specify what kind of relationship she had been in with Regina. The importance was not in the words – it was in the actions, the moments shared, and saying Regina had been her girlfriend or something of the sort did not make what they had any more valid.

 

“Regina understood me better than I understood myself sometimes, I think. There was just something, I don’t know, _real_ about her. She said what she meant and did what felt right for her, and I loved that. I felt like I could do the same thing, like I could just be myself around her. It took time, yeah, but I’d never let my guard down with anyone else the way I did with Regina. I never let anyone see me the way I let her.

 

“It was the most connected I’ve ever felt to someone. It sounds kinda ridiculous, so don’t laugh at me, but - -” she shrugged her shoulders, smiling with the image of Regina on her mind, “- - it felt like we were meant to be together. I don’t know. I just, I never felt like I belonged anywhere until I was with her, and I haven’t felt that feeling since.”

 

“I don’t think that sounds ridiculous. I feel the same way about Lance. Some people just feel right, and there’s no way to describe it other than that.” She smiled.

 

Emma nodded. “She felt right. Yeah, she did.”

 

“Okay, so.” Guinevere cleared her throat. “Has something happened recently that is making you question how long is too long? And what do you mean by that?”

 

Emma blew out a breath and tossed the ball up in the air, watching the bright orange toy spin before falling down to her awaiting hand. “I called her this weekend,” she admitted sheepishly. “I didn’t think she would answer. I hoped she would. I don’t– I don’t know what I was thinking, but I did it.”

 

“Oh,” the brunette said, sounding faintly surprised. “And? How did that go?”

 

Emma made a half-laugh in her throat. “I don’t even know, to be honest. We have stuff we need to work out if we’re going to make a real effort at being more than people in each other’s past, you know?”

 

“Like what? Tell me about it.”

 

“I hurt her. She hurt me. We hurt our family,” Emma said, frowning down at the floor.

 

“Would you mind sharing what happened?”

 

She stayed quiet for a moment, but she knew she didn’t have all day and needed to get back to work soon because it was approaching the time things usually got busy around the center. “We were supposed to be moving to Massachusetts before I left, all three of us. Regina went ahead of Henry and me because of her work, and while she was there, she secured a house – a home for our family – and she was getting everything in order so we could join her. And at first, it was everything I had always wanted and then later tried to pretend I didn’t care about.”

 

“What happened? How did you end up here and she in Massachusetts?”

 

“You know how people say communication is one of the most important things to have in a relationship?” When Guinevere hummed, Emma nodded. “They’re not lying. I felt so outside of everything. I didn’t know what was going on over there, and she was always busy. She stopped making time for me, and slowly, it felt like she was putting everything before Henry as well. I was scared. At the time, I just recognized that I didn’t want her to hurt Henry. But it wasn’t only that. I was scared of everything falling apart – it had felt like it was.

 

“She gets – or she used to when I lived with her – so drawn into her work sometimes that she can completely forget about other things. I guess, I don’t know, I didn’t think she would forget about us.”

 

“Is that how you felt? Did you feel forgotten?”

 

Emma nodded with a heavy sigh. “I did. But, I’ve had years to think about it. Not that it changes how I felt at the time, I don’t believe she had forgotten about us. She wanted the house to be perfect before we came. She was overseeing the work done on the house while still trying to handle everything for the job she had moved there for. She was going through a lot, and I tried understanding that, but–”

 

“It’s difficult feeling like you’re not important to someone who matters so much to you.”

 

Emma looked up at her, smiling a little, a sad feeling in her chest. “Exactly. And, maybe she didn’t mean to make me feel like I wasn’t important to her anymore, but she had.”

 

“So you left,” Guinevere encouraged, bringing Emma back to the question she asked.

 

“The townhouse in Manhattan, it didn’t feel like I belonged in it anymore. It felt like Regina was pulling away and, inevitably, that would have led to her just getting rid of me.” She huffed out a breath. “I don’t think that would have happened, but at the time...”

 

“I understand. Our fears tend to make us see the worst possible outcomes, and sometimes, we can’t see things clearly until much later.”

 

“Yeah. Well, I didn’t see things clearly enough. I wanted out of there before Regina had the chance to properly leave Henry – and me. And when I had the opportunity to get out, I took it. I had nowhere to go in New York. I had no way to support myself and Henry in Manhattan. I had a steady job, but it’s crazy expensive to live anywhere near where I worked, and I didn’t have a place to stay. So when Mary Margaret said she would give me a room at her house here until I could get on my feet, I took it. It felt like what was best for Henry.”

 

“And what about Regina? How did she handle you leaving with Henry?”

 

Emma rubbed the back of her neck. “That’s where I fu- screwed up. I mean, I tried, once, to talk to her about leaving, literally right before I left, but she said she didn’t have time. So I never told her.”

 

“You just left?”

 

Emma nodded. “I regret it for a lot of reasons now, but I thought I was doing what was best for Henry. There’s no way to truly know for sure what would have happened if we stayed, but I think, maybe, if we had, if I had tried harder – and Regina had made time for me, had talked to me – we could have figured out why we weren’t connecting anymore. We could have worked through the issues. I didn't give us a chance. I ran as soon as there were problems."

 

“And now you’re wondering if it’s too late to have the conversation you should have had back then?”

 

“Well, not exactly. We talked on the phone. I told her...” Emma squeezed the ball in her hand, her stomach filling with knots. “I want her back, Guin, and I told her that. I don’t care in what way. I just want her to be back in our lives. I’ve never stopped thinking about her, you know?”

 

“What does she want?”

 

Emma didn’t know. They had stayed on the phone until morning. Emma had fallen asleep, and when she woke up, Regina was still there. They hadn’t spoken much, but Regina hadn’t ended the call. Regina hadn’t left until the sun started coming up outside of Emma’s window. That had to mean something. Nobody stayed on the phone with a sleeping person in the middle of the night without wanting to be with them, right? It didn’t feel like Emma was just clinging to small details when those small details felt like they mattered the most.

 

“I don’t think what she wants is the problem here,” Emma said after a long stretch of silence.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

Emma put the ball on the desk and turned to face Guinevere, resting her arms on the flat surface. “I think she wants us back, too. It’s kinda crazy to think that after eight years, after all this time, she does–”

 

“Not at all,” Guinevere said, interrupting Emma with a shake of her head. She cleared her throat. “Not many people know this, but Lance and I, while our situation was completely different from yours, we had a long separation before we found our way back to each other. We fell in love when we were only twenty and I was with someone else. Lance, he left because he didn’t want to make me a cheater, he said. It hurt. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do – follow him or stay. I ended up staying and letting Lance go. I had a life outside of him that I couldn’t forget about just because I’d fallen in love. Of course, I ended my relationship, but I never went after Lancelot.”

 

Emma raised her brow. “But you two ended up getting married,” she said.

 

“We found each other again. A decade later, at a medieval restaurant, of all places,” she said with a laugh. “That’s where the nickname Lancelot came from, by the way. Most people just think it’s because his name is Lance, but it has more to do with how we came together again.”

 

Emma smiled, seeing the light blush coloring Guinevere’s tan cheeks. “I’m happy for the two of you, that you found your way back to each other. I don’t think I’ve seen a couple more perfect for each other than you two. Well, maybe MM and David, but, you know, you and Lance are definitely right for each other.”

 

She smiled and ran her fingers through her hair. “My point was, there’s no such thing as too long when you love someone. You can go twenty years, move on completely, and then see the other person and have all of those old emotions rush back. Time isn’t what’s important here. What’s important is what you feel, and if you choose to follow what those feelings tell you to do.”

 

Emma’s heart felt heavy as she took in Guinevere’s words. “That’s what I’m afraid of. I don’t think Regina wants to follow what her feelings are telling her to do. I think she wants to fix things just like I do, but I think she’s, I don’t know, maybe scared that following what she wants will lead to her getting hurt again.”

 

“Understandable,” Guinevere said, and Emma nodded in agreement. “Have you spoken since the phone call?”

 

Emma nodded. “Briefly and through text. I needed her address to send her something. We didn’t really discuss much else, though.”

 

She hummed. “Why don’t you write her a letter, then? If you have her address and you’re already sending her something, stick a letter in the package. Tell her how you’re feeling; give her something tangible she can hold onto and read. Don’t rush her into making any decisions – not that I think you would. If you’re both seriously wanting to work out what happened in the past and move forward, she might just need some time before she’s ready for what that entails. In the meantime, you can make sure she knows what one of her options is – meaning what she can have with you, if that’s the path she chooses to take for herself.”

 

“A letter,” Emma said thoughtfully. “I don’t know. I get it, the having something she can read and it being her choice whether she takes in everything or leaves it aside, but...” She shook her head. “I’m not a writer. The kid got all those talents. They skipped a generation, I guess. I’m better with talking.”

 

Guinevere smiled a little. “Maybe a video, then.”

 

“Or...” Emma reached into her pocket for her phone and thumbed it on. “Maybe something else.”

 

Guinevere gave her a curious look that Emma ignored as she chewed on her lip and ran with the sudden idea she had. She didn’t know why she hadn’t thought about it before, why the thought hadn’t crossed her mind, but she knew what she needed to do. She didn’t need to write a letter or record a video. They had always connected best when they were talking, when they were talking and together.

 

“What are you doing?”

 

Emma lifted her eyes from the airline website she had pulled up on her phone and, with a nervous chuckle, she said: “I think I’m going to Massachusetts.”  
  



	31. Chapter 31

**March 2017**

 

It was a little more than a week after Emma had decided that she would travel to Massachusetts, so it couldn’t be considered an impulsive decision anymore. Right? Emma had thought about her decision every single day as she waited for Henry’s spring break to arrive, so it wasn’t like she hadn’t thought her idea through. She had talked it out with three people – Guinevere, Mary Margaret, and then Henry, because she couldn’t not tell him, and Henry had insisted that he not be left behind with Mary Margaret like Emma had planned. She had even written a stupid letter, just in case she freaked out once she got there and lost all her confidence – or came to her senses and stopped pretending like going all the way up to Massachusetts without even discussing it with Regina was a good idea.

 

Emma was impulsive and did things without thinking all the time, but this wasn’t one of those times. She had spent plenty of time thinking. It made sense. What she and Regina needed to do was sit down somewhere and talk, no whispering in the middle of the night with miles between them. She needed to see Regina, to be able to look at her and have Regina be able to see the depth of her emotions in her eyes. She had thought this through – but that did not stop the nervous fluttering in her stomach as she and Henry drove towards the address Regina had given her.

 

“You know,” Henry said from the back seat of the rental, “it’s not too late to turn around and go back home.”

 

“What?” popped out of her mouth, high-pitched. Emma gripped the steering wheel with both hands and steadied herself to keep them from swerving. “Henry, we just _flew_ all the way to Boston. We can’t go back now. We’re– I’m doing this.”

 

“Okay, so stop all the nervous mumbling up there and put on your confidence mask.” He gentled his voice and she felt his hand on her shoulder, squeezing it compassionately. “You can do this, Ma.”

 

She smiled a little, bending her hand back to pat his. “Thanks, kid. I needed that.”

 

“I know,” he said softly. “You’re nervous, and this might not have been one of your best ideas.”

 

“What?” Emma quickly flicked her eyes up to where her son was looking at her in the rearview mirror.

 

He gave her an apologetic smile, the kind he gave her when he needed to be brutally honest with her even though she might not want to hear it. He was more like Regina than she thought was reasonable given how he’d only had Emma the last eight years. She guessed that she was to blame – or probably thank – for that. She might have separated the two of them, but she had never wanted him to lose Regina. She raised him with the same beliefs she knew Regina would have raised him with, had taught him the same values she had learned from the other woman. It hadn’t been until last year that they properly spoke about Regina, but she, in small ways, had still been a part of making Henry the person he now was.

 

“Ma, I know it’s tough to admit, but,” he said, sighing a little, “this was kinda stupid.”

 

Okay, she mostly raised him how Regina would have. She had a strong feeling Regina would have found an issue with a few things, and words like stupid being tossed around like that was probably one of them.

 

“What if she doesn’t want to see us?” he asked, and he sounded more like he was trying to think rationally than emotionally, like he could put his feelings away and focus on the bigger picture. It was scary how he did that. Emma didn’t even think she was that good at doing that, and he was only ten – and a half, he always made sure to add. It was also weird, because that was another Regina thing, but Emma didn’t know how she could have taught him that.

 

Emma looked over to the navigation system and saw they had another five minutes to go, not much time at all. She huffed out a breath and considered Henry’s question. What if Regina didn’t want to see them? Well... Her brow furrowed. She hadn’t thought about that. Would Regina turn them away?

 

“See,” he said, like he had made a point despite her not answering him. “You don’t know. We could have just wasted our entire spring break for nothing.”

 

Emma frowned. “It won’t be wasted, Henry. We’re not just here because of Regina. I want to see Boston, and I thought you wanted to as well.” Emma took her vacation time with Henry, at the end of the year for Christmas and then for his spring break. They didn’t usually travel away from home, but she thought it would be nice going somewhere for once. “If Regina doesn’t want to see me, then we still have five days to see Boston. We could even drive down to New York for a day. We have options.”

 

She looked up at him. He didn’t look convinced. “But you’re going to be hurt, Ma. I don’t want to see you hurt.”

 

Emma felt a tightness in her chest. She should be the one worried about stuff like that, not him. “I’ll be fine, kid. What about you? Are you still good with going? Because if you’re not, we won’t go.”

 

“I told you, I want to do this. I know I got kinda mad at both of you when you told me everything, and I’m still a little mad about it sometimes, but...” He twisted his lips together and turned away from the mirror and looked out of the window, a distant look on his face. “You always told me that family doesn’t give up on each other. Regina, Mom, whatever I’m supposed to call her, was family. We gave up on her. We have to fix that.”

 

“Oh, Henry, you didn’t give up on her.”

 

She pulled over as soon as she saw an empty spot. She needed to be able to look at her little man. He might have thought he needed to be tough and strong, but Emma still saw the little kid he was trying to leave behind as he neared his teen years faster than Emma wanted. She turned around in her seat and looked at him, all bundled up in layers of sweaters and his jacket, a new scarf to fight off the cold they just didn’t see in Florida. It was still winter weather in Boston, nothing like what he was used to down home. His nose had turned red almost as soon as they had gotten out of the car earlier to have breakfast – that was how cold it was.

 

She reached back and gently rubbed his knee to get his attention, and he turned to look at her with a serious expression that melted to something soft and young when she smiled at him. “None of what happened is your fault,” she told him, holding onto his eyes.

 

He huffed out a breath and his shoulders fell. “I know that, Ma. Logically, I know that. I just wish things could have been different.”

 

“And that’s my fault,” she said with regret.

 

His brow furrowed, small eyebrows pinching together. “No. It’s life’s fault, or circumstance, or–”

 

“Please, kid. Stop being so rational. I can’t keep up,” she said with a warm laugh, making him grin at her. “You’re growing up so quickly. I’m starting to miss the days of The Backyardigans and The Wonder Pets. No more late night news for you, young man. Only animated animals who go on adventures.”

 

“Ma,” he whined. “We’re supposed to be having a serious conversation.”

 

“I know. I just...” She huffed and nodded her head.

 

She looked at him, really looked at her son and wondered how he could be so put together and smart, wondered how she managed to not mess him up like she did most things in life. He was incredible. She didn’t want to brag – except she did – but she was pretty sure she raised the best kid in all of South Florida. She had yet to meet one that was as generous, caring, talented, loving, nor brilliant as her kid was. He was truly something special.

 

“Come up here,” she said, patting the passenger seat. “Let’s talk.”

 

Henry unbuckled his seatbelt and climbed over the center console, bending his small body so that he could get into the seat. When he settled, he leaned his back against the door and looked at her, leg pulled up and bent, foot tucked behind the knee of the other one. He turned the radio off and then nodded, as if to tell Emma he was ready. She smiled a little as she nodded back.

 

This was nothing new for them, sitting down and talking things out. Emma had made it mandatory, had decided that they needed to discuss what was going on in their lives regularly. Not only had she learned just how important communication was, how healthy it was to let things out instead of keeping it bottled up inside like she had been used to doing for most of her life, she also knew she didn’t want Henry to ever feel like his feelings didn’t matter. She had felt that way throughout her childhood, and she wanted to make sure her son never felt like that with her. She wanted Henry to always feel like he could talk to her.

 

“I know we’ve spoken about this already, but, Henry, you do know what happened between Regina and I had nothing to do with you? You do understand that, right?”

 

Henry gave her a thoughtful look and then shrugged his shoulders, looking down. “It did, though. You said you were doing what was best for me when you left.”

 

Emma bit her cheek and moved her fingers through her. “Okay,” she dragged out a little, reaching that same hand out and putting it on his knee for a squeeze. “Yeah, leaving, I did that because I thought things would be better for you – for both of us – if we got out. But, the stuff before that, what led to me feeling like I needed to leave, that’s all on me and Regina. There were problems there that we didn’t work on, and in the end, everybody got hurt because of that, including you. I wanted to prevent that, you getting hurt, but I didn’t.”

 

He shook his head, looking up at her and offering her a tiny smile. “I hate– dislike what happened. I don’t like that I lost my mom just because you two couldn’t figure out how to have a conversation.” He gave her that apologetic smile again. “I know it’s not that simple, but that’s how it feels to me.”

 

“I know, kid,” she said, nodding her head and listening to what he had to say.

 

In a way, he was right. They couldn’t figure out how to communicate, and that was a big part of why things fell apart. There was more – her fears, her doubts, her abandonment issues, and whatever was going on on Regina’s side that she still didn’t know – but if they had found a way to communicate what they were feeling and talk about why things felt like they were stuck, it would have made a difference.

 

“It wasn’t fair to you. You missed out on something and had no control over it. And, yeah, I get it. That sucks.”

 

“It does,” he said, frowning. “But it doesn’t only suck for me. It sucks for all of us, Ma.” He expelled a huff that sounded as though it had been waiting ages to be released. “I know I said I didn’t have any expectations–”

 

“But you do,” she said knowingly. “You’re human, kid. We all have expectations.”

 

“But you always say going in that we shouldn’t expect things to go a certain way. No expectations.”

 

She nodded and let out a soft breath. “This is different. You don’t expect people to do things a certain way just because it’s what you would want. That’s the big thing about having no expectations. You can’t help having expectations sometimes, though – or hopes. I have them, too.”

 

Henry took in her words and then nodded as he scratched his head. He smoothed his brown hair back down and twisted his lips, looking at her with a curious look. She raised her brow. “What do I call her? I mean, if she wants to see me, what should I call her?” he asked her quietly.

 

Emma hated how complicated she had made everything for him. They had had a good life together, but there were moments she wished she had done things differently, that she had known she could fight to keep the life they had with Regina. She wished that she had seen more than just Regina not having time for her and realized it was bigger than that. She wished that she had clearly pointed out to Regina what was wrong with her. She hadn’t really done that, and she wished she had. If she had told Regina about how she felt like she was abandoning them, she knew Regina would have done something about it. She just hadn’t seen things the same way she did now as she had when she was dealing with it.

 

“Well, what do you call her in your head?” she asked him, not knowing what the right answer was. She didn’t know what he should call her. Emma was still nervous about him being with her in the first place.

 

He blushed a little as he looked away. “Mom, usually – but... What if she doesn’t like that? She might not see me as her kid anymore, you know?” He picked at his fingernails as he quietly added, “She might not want me as her son.”

 

Emma’s heart twisted painfully in her chest. She reached over the console and lifted his head so he was looking at her. “I don’t know what’s going to happen today, or the rest of this trip, Henry, but I can promise you one thing. No matter how she sees you, no matter what words are chosen, that doesn’t change how much she cares about you. Even if she’s just Regina and you’re just Henry, she cares about you so much. It could be hard to believe that without seeing it for yourself, but I know Regina, I know her heart, and you never left it.”

 

He nodded silently. He looked at her with so much trust and belief, and sometimes that still scared her. She worried so much about what she said to him. She wanted to make sure she always chose the right words, taught him the important stuff in life, and that she didn’t abuse that trust and belief. She couldn’t remember having that when she was his age, and she didn’t want for him to ever lose it. She didn’t want him to second guess everything people said to him. She didn’t want him to be full of distrust like she had been. She could be the reason he lost that, and so, Emma was most careful with her words with him.

 

“They’re just words,” he said after a moment.

 

“Huh?”

 

He smiled at her, looking more like himself. He turned in the seat and buckled the seatbelt over himself. “Titles,” he elaborated, “labels. They’re all just words, right?”

 

She nodded as a slow smile pulled at her cheeks. “Yeah, kid. They’re all just words.”

 

“What we feel and think is what matters. Those words are for the outside word. We only have to use them if we want to.”

 

She ruffled his hair and laughed when he pulled a face and quickly went to smooth it down. “You’re special and incredible,” she told him, serious for a moment. “Don’t forget that, okay?”

 

He rolled his eyes a little as his cheeks burned brightly. “You don’t either. You’re pretty incredible, too – for a mom.”

 

Emma’s breath hitched, not expecting his response. She turned in her seat and nodded her head, though, amazed by the boy next to her, not sure how he was hers but incredibly grateful that he was.

 

“Okay,” she breathed as she took the car out of park. “Let’s do this."

 

* * *

 

Emma stood in front of the gate, hands stuffed into the pockets of her black motorcycle jacket. Her heart felt like it was too big for her body and it was in her belly instead of her chest, heavy and thick as it pounded. She’d been nervous the entire time, but it wasn’t until she walked up to the gate and looked at the Colonial style house that she felt sick with her nerves. It was a family home, not the one that was supposed to be hers with Regina, but one that was definitely meant for a family. It had a large porch and Emma could see a soccer net peeking out from the backyard. It was the kind of house she had always wanted as a child, the type she would see while on her way to all of her not-a-home-houses. Suddenly, Emma didn’t know what she was doing there.

 

“You’ve got this, Ma,” she heard Henry calling out from the car, his voice carrying in the wind.

 

She turned around and forced her smile not to look so terrified. She gave him a thumbs-up and motioned with her hand for him to close the door back. She waited for him to get in and return her thumbs-up before sweeping her eyes down the quiet block with perfectly manicured lawns and beautiful homes once again. She turned to the one that housed Regina, feeling her stomach tumble and twist a million different ways. Now that she stood outside of it, she was regretting not letting Regina know she was coming. She didn’t even know if she was home. It was Saturday, just after ten o’clock in the morning. She wondered, did Regina still like to keep her weekends open?

 

Emma huffed out a breath and took her hands out of her pockets. She wasn’t feeling very confident, but she had to at least try to pretend like she was until her confidence naturally came to her. She fixed her leather jacket and the scarf tucked into it, ignoring the slight chill that still reached her bones as she took in a deep breath, feeling the wind on her face. Back straight, chin high, Emma reached for the gate and unlatched it, mentally telling herself over and over in her head that she could do it.

 

She stepped through and swallowed thickly, feeling as though there was no turning back  now that she had made it onto the property. The walkway was short and just as pristine as everything else, smooth and glossy stones that went straight to the stairs – the stairs Emma took two at a time, her boots quiet on the white steps. She reached for the doorbell, but she stopped short when she thought she heard a sound coming from behind the door. She quickly looked into one of the glass panels, but there were no shadows or any signs that someone might be there.

 

She let out a breath and pushed the small button that sent a sweet chime through the house. She backed away from the door and then decided to go back down the stairs altogether. She had only managed to turn around and start walking down the first one before she could hear the click of locks and she froze, looking up from the ground but not turning around. Her heart boomed like never before, and when she could hear the door open, she thought it might just jump out of her throat and spill messily onto Regina’s pretty white stairs, years of feelings and emotions that she could never get rid of pulsing and wriggling about for everyone – Regina – to see.

 

The rush of breath that was loud enough to be heard over the whipping wind was enough to tell Emma that it was Regina that had opened the door, and the silence suggested she knew who Emma was without seeing her face. Every second that passed before Emma slowly turned around felt like time spent trying to breathe in a room with no oxygen, her lungs desperate and uncomfortable, her head spinning.

 

But the moment she was looking at Regina, when those perfectly warm brown eyes met her own, and she could see her, not just a picture, not just a memory, but the real deal, still so incredibly breathtaking and capable of making Emma feel dizzy without doing anything, that was the moment Emma really knew what it was like to be without oxygen. For a brief moment, she lost her breath completely, had it stolen away from her and did not protest.

 

After a few seconds of feeling like everything was moving too quickly around her, the air returned to her lungs. She took the single step up to the porch, heart feeling as though it was beating a million beats per second. That one step closer to Regina made the brunette’s breath shake, a look in her eyes that Emma couldn’t name, couldn’t figure out. She almost looked startled. The hand that wasn’t holding onto the door fisted in front of her stomach, fingers curling inward so tightly the skin that stretched above her knuckles paled. But it relaxed easily. Her eyes softened, and Regina stared back at Emma like she wasn’t sure she was real, like Emma might be a mirage, waves of cool water in the distance as she stood, parched, in the burning sun of a desert. She looked like she wanted to run towards it – towards Emma – even if it wasn’t real.

 

Emma felt the same way, like even though she knew she was only a few feet away from Regina, that it couldn’t have been her. She had spent too many nights dreaming of Regina, imagining her, thinking about her when she shouldn’t have, that being so close that she could touch her felt like it was just another one of her dreams. Maybe if she were to do that, touch her, just the tip of her finger against warm skin, feel the pulse of life, the proof of her existence...

 

Regina took a step forward as if she could read Emma’s mind, as if she wanted to do the same. “Emma,” she breathed out, the way only Regina could say it, like it was important and special and she would take such good care of it. Her eyes danced all over Emma’s face, light sparkling in them as the corners crinkled – and oh, how Emma had missed that.

 

Emma’s heart stopped, started up again, and then stopped for a moment too long, unsure what to do with itself. Emma released a soft breath in response, slowly lifting her foot to take a step as well, wanting to reach out and pull Regina to her but not daring to do so. She still had time if it was a dream. She didn’t want to wake up.

 

“Emma,” Regina repeated, and Emma could see long nights cuddling in bed, hear the rich sound of laughter, taste rocky road ice cream, smell gardenias, and feel Regina. “You’re...” She sounded breathless, absolutely breathless.

 

Emma rubbed her gloved hand over her arm, crossing over her chest and shrugging a little. “Hey,” she whispered, feeling as though the spinning was calming, like the noise was quieting, like the next step she would take would bring her safely to the home she had lost eight years ago.

 

It felt like they were so close, like the space between them was disappearing without them even moving. It felt like– yes, she mentally decided, agreeing with herself – it felt like coming home. Regina had been Emma’s first true home, and it felt like she was being welcomed back as Regina stood in front of her, eyes full of so much emotion and inviting warmth that burned away the nervousness around the edges. Emma could run to that, even with everything still uncertain, so much to talk about, Emma could go home and know that it would always be safety.

 

And she was so close to doing that, to taking the final step that would bring her to Regina.

 

But then, bursting her bubble, the house door swung open and a high-pitched voice belonging to a little boy killed their silence and made everything suddenly feel like it was tipping the wrong way.

 

Regina jumped at the sound of the voice, as though she had forgotten all about the little boy with the head of messy brown hair who was pulling on the light gray cable-knit sweater she was wearing. Her eyes didn’t leave Emma’s at first, the look in them changing, something pleading and apologetic and hopeful about them. But when Emma, heart stuck in her throat, looked down to the kid, probably about five or six, Regina let out a heavy breath and gave her attention to the boy.

 

“Roland, go back inside where it’s warm. You know better than to come to the door without permission,” Regina said, gentle but stern.

 

“Poppa gave me permission,” he said with a dimpling smile, turning to look at Emma. He gave her a weird look and moved closer to Regina, hugging her thigh and looking up at her again. “Are you coming back to finish the movie with me?”

 

“Why don’t you finish that without me? Or, if you like, you can save it for later and go play upstairs,” she told him, pushing him towards the door a little.

 

Emma took a step back, her stomach dropping lower and lower with each passing moment. That feeling of not knowing what she was doing there rushed back, erasing all of those she had been feeling only moments before. Regina had a kid, a cute little kid with dimples who clung to her the same way Henry used to. Regina had a life, probably a really good one, and Emma wasn’t part of it. She didn’t belong there. She shouldn’t have traveled all the way to Massachusetts. What was she thinking? She had been fooling herself thinking there was still something between them, as though she was irreplaceable, like Regina had been waiting for her to come back to her for eight years.

 

She felt sick and like she needed to go. She took another step back, boot hanging off the edge of the stair. The house door was pulled shut, the end of Regina’s conversation with the kid completely missed by Emma as her thoughts rushed. Regina cleared her throat, looking back at Emma, trying to search her eyes the same way she had done so many times in the past. Emma wouldn’t let her. She put up every wall she had, refused to meet Regina’s eyes for more than a few seconds.

 

“Emma,” Regina said softly, breathing out a tired breath, taking a step forward.

 

Emma shook her head, stepping down the stair as she simultaneously turned around. “I don’t know what I thought coming here would accomplish. I shouldn’t be here. I should–”

 

“No, you shouldn’t be here,” Regina hissed from behind her, sounding annoyed all of a sudden. “You shouldn’t have called me two weeks ago. You shouldn’t have sent me text messages telling me you were hoping I was having a good day, or any of the things you probably thought were sweet but were really just you making it impossible for me not to think about you. You shouldn’t be here,” Regina said, and although she was practically whispering, her words were harsh and had made Emma freeze on the steps. “You shouldn’t have come here without even giving me a warning that you might – but you’re here. Walking away is pointless now.”

 

Emma shook her head, looking at the ground. She stuffed her hands into her pockets. “I’m leaving,” Emma said. “I’m sorry for causing such an inconvenience by telling you to have a good day. I won’t do that anymore. This was a mistake – coming here, calling you, hoping... Jesus, you have a fucking kid.” She spun around. “Why didn’t you just tell me that?” she asked, sounding more hurt than angry. She sounded sad, lost, confused.

 

Regina didn’t flinch when Emma suddenly moved closer. She wrapped her arms around herself, shaking her head. “Emma, how many times did I tell you that it was complicated?”

 

Emma scoffed. “Complicated? You have a family, a kid, a...” She swallowed down the sick feeling that was rising from her stomach to her throat.

 

Regina shook her head again. “Not exactly. Things aren’t always as they–” she started, but the door opening made her quickly spin around.

 

And when Emma saw the man that had opened the door, the one holding the little boy in his arms, she knew that she had made a big mistake. “Complicated,” she muttered under her breath with disbelief, crossing her arms under her chest.

 

Regina glanced at Emma over her shoulder, her eyes hardening ever-so-slightly. She turned back to the door without saying a word to Emma, though. “What happened?”

 

The guy who kept looking at Emma with a weird look, the kind you gave someone you thought you knew but couldn’t figure out from where, pulled out a cell phone from his olive cargos. “It’s been vibrating incessantly. Someone’s desperately trying to give you ring, it would seem,” he told her, voice slightly accented – British, Emma assumed.

 

Regina uncrossed her arm from around herself and took her phone from him, glaring at him a little and tilting her head towards the inside of the house. “I could have taken care of this when I came back inside the house,” she said quietly, but it was loud enough for Emma to still hear the words.

 

Emma hated being stared at, and the man at the door was looking at her again. She rubbed at the back of her neck, already feeling out of place but not wanting to show it. She cleared her throat and slowly started walking down the stairs. Perhaps she could just slip away, she thought.

 

“Emma, isn’t it?” he asked her, making her freeze. “I thought so,” he said bitterly.

 

“Robin, don’t,” Regina warned icily.

 

Emma thought maybe slowly slipping away was the wrong move. It felt awkward, something in the air not right, and running would do better. She peeked over her shoulder, squinting at the man, Robin, trying to see if he looked even remotely familiar to her. He didn’t. So why did he know who she was? And why was Regina warning him not to do something?

 

“Um. I should–” Emma started, but her awkward attempt to flee was interrupted by Henry calling for her.

 

“Ma,” she heard coming from the gate – and not inside the car where Henry was supposed to be staying.

 

She turned to look at him, but even though he had called for her, his eyes were locked on a spot past Emma’s shoulder. He looked curious and like he wanted to smile but was too nervous to do so, and Emma automatically knew he was looking at Regina. If the look in her son’s eyes wasn’t enough to know, the shaky whisper she heard come from Regina confirmed it.

 

“Henry,” Regina whispered, and it was the same careful, heartbreakingly soft whispers Emma had heard many times on the phone when she had called her and they stayed on the phone all night.

 

There was a pull inside Emma’s chest as she slowly turned around, an ache when she saw how watery Regina’s eyes were. She briefly noticed the pained look on Robin’s face, but she didn’t give him more than a second of her time. She was immediately looking between Regina and Henry, feeling like everything was rushing and yet the two of them were paused, tears in Regina’s eyes and questioning hope in Henry’s. She looked like she wanted to wrap him up in a hug, and Henry looked like he wanted to run into the arms that would enclose him as soon as he was near. They both looked like they didn’t know if they could, and Emma felt breathless watching them, waiting.

 

Emma took a step back and moved her eyes over to Regina. The tears were running free down her cheeks now. Regina didn’t wipe them away, didn’t look down at Emma as she, appearing to have made a decision, slowly took the first step. She moved like she was too nervous to go any farther, like she was approaching a skittish animal she was afraid would run if she made any sudden movements.

 

But the moment she took that first step, Emma could hear the gate unlatching. She turned to see Henry, not so afraid, hurrying down the walkway. He nearly flung himself into Regina’s body, the brunette barely making it down the stairs before they were colliding, slightly stumbling, but both of them wrapping their arms tight tight tight around the other.

 

Emma felt like her heart was going to explode as she watched them reunite, watched the way Regina’s face softened and her eyes fell shut, her nose buried in Henry’s hair. That look she used to get when Henry was a baby and she would hold him to her chest and breathe him in, like there would never be anything more soothing, was exactly how Emma remembered it. Embracing Henry, that soft, happy look that was full of love was on Regina’s face once more, everything about the way she looked screaming contentment.

 

“Mom,” she heard Henry whisper, apparently having made his choice.

 

And Regina’s breath shook loudly, arms squeezing him all the more tighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry... Robin's appearance in this fic is very brief, in case that's something you need to know to continue. He's more of a mentioned character than a character in the fic. The focus is on Regina and Emma, and it will continue to be that. 
> 
> While I decided not to mention him as a character in the list of characters because I didn't want it to give away parts of this chapter, I'm now saying that he's only physically in the story for another short moment in the next chapter. Hope you continue to read on from here. 
> 
> And my apologies to anyone bothered by me not mentioning him before.


	32. Chapter 32

**March 2017**

 

Regina and Henry’s hug felt as though it had lasted a lifetime, neither of them trying to separate from the other. Henry was normally a friendly, open child, but Emma couldn’t remember him ever clinging to anyone the way he clung to Regina, not even when he was younger. It was as though he automatically knew that Regina was a safe place for him once she wrapped her arms around him, like he could remember all the times she had done so years before. It was painful to watch, only because Emma felt responsible for being the reason they had missed years of hugging each other like that. And yet, it was one of the most beautiful sights she had ever seen, her heart full of warmth as she stood feet away from them, wanting them to have the moment all to themselves. 

 

The obnoxious sound of a throat being cleared was what eventually made them part, and then three pairs of eyes turned to glare at the man at the doorway. Regina held Henry to her side, hand on his small shoulder. Henry stayed in the crook of her arm, color spreading across his cheeks, from the cold or the hug, Emma did not know. Emma looked at the two of them out the corner of her eye and then turned back to Robin, wondering what his deal was. 

 

“Robin, why don’t you take Roland back inside and close the door? You’re allowing the heat to escape, and he’s just getting better from his cold. He really shouldn’t be out here,” Regina said. 

 

Robin put the boy down and whispered something to him that Emma could not hear from where she stood several feet from the bottom of the steps. He gave Regina a look that must have silently conveyed something that went right over Emma’s head, because, next thing she knew, Regina was shaking her head and looking both worried and annoyed. 

 

“Please,” she said, more of a hiss than anything else. “We can talk later.” 

 

He threw up his hands. “Why don’t you two come in and make yourselves at home? I’m sure Regina would just love that. Wouldn’t you, babe?” he said, what should have been a term of endearment sounding more like an insult.

 

Emma noticed the icy glare first, and then the nasty shudder that moved through Regina’s body next. She didn’t want to know what was going on between the two of them, but she already knew she didn’t want to be in the middle of it. She shook her head in response to the question, her hands stuffing into pockets. 

 

“Yeah, no thanks, man,” she said, not even bothering to look at him. He was obviously annoyed by her presence, or something of the sort, had been looking at her strangely since he opened the door. Emma didn’t want to be stuck feeling uncomfortable because of him, and after seeing him, she felt a little bad for how much she wanted to pull Regina away from her life and bring the other woman into the one Emma shared with Henry. “We should actually get going.” 

 

“What?” Regina turned her entire body – and Henry’s – away from the door to face her. “You’re leaving?” 

 

Emma nodded, looking down at the toes of her boots as she took and released a deep breath. “I made a mistake coming here,” she said, angry with herself, irrationally upset with Regina for having a life that didn’t involve her. It had been eight years. It shouldn’t hurt her so much seeing that Regina had moved on. She had known to expect that  _ something _ like this would happen, had felt like Regina had been hiding in her own home when they spoke on the phone. Seeing it with her own eyes made it real, though, made what she wanted feel wrong.

 

“Ma?” Henry whispered, confused and soft. 

 

Emma’s stomach felt heavy at the sound of his voice. She looked up and regretted bringing him with her, wished she had left him in Florida like she had initially planned. He looked so content against Regina’s side, and they had looked so perfect when they were hugging each other. But there was no room for Henry and Emma in Regina’s life anymore. She had filled their spaces with other people. Hadn’t she?

 

She smiled a little at her son and then motioned to the car he had left. “Henry, I need you to go sit in the car.” 

 

“But–” Henry looked between Regina and Emma, frowning while simultaneously trying to figure out what was going on, giving Emma his confused face. 

 

At the same time Henry spoke, Regina did as well. “Don’t–” Regina’s voice was loud and dark for a second, and then she let out a heavy breath and fisted her hand and gritted her teeth. 

 

Emma cut them both off. “Henry, please,” she said softly, looking into his eyes. “We’ll talk. Promise. Just... The car, go.” 

 

He hesitated, looking up to Regina, and then he wrapped his arms around Regina’s middle and hugged her tightly. He said nothing as he left, opening the back door and sitting with his head against the window, watching them closely. 

 

When Emma turned away to look at Regina, there was a storm brewing in the other woman’s eyes. She looked angry, hurt, and like she was seconds from yelling at Emma like she never had before. The only thing that might have been keeping her from doing so was that it was obvious Henry was still looking at them. Instead, she took a step closer to Emma, staring her down, and then another, getting well into her personal space. Emma refused to move, to back away. 

 

“Look, Regina,” Emma started, but the rest of her words were swallowed by the rush of breath that got caught in her throat when Regina, eyes hard as stone, covered Emma’s mouth with a cupped hand. Emma’s eyes flicked over to the house, but Robin had already gone back inside.

 

“No. Stop speaking,” Regina said, her voice low as she spoke, low and like it was on the verge of cracking, even with all the anger wrapped around it like a solid shield. “Of all the things you have done the last few weeks, this will certainly be the most selfish of them all.” 

 

Emma swallowed. She wanted to look away from Regina, get away from the dangerous vortices swirling out of control in Regina’s eyes, but she found herself falling in instead. 

 

“If you want to call me in the middle of the night and turn my life upside down, fine. You want to make it so I can’t stop thinking about you,” she hissed the words out, moving closer, their bodies nearly touching, her hand slipping away from Emma’s mouth, “then go ahead. I could even move past you showing up here today. But Henry?” She shook her head, bumping into Emma’s body with her next step, her breath heated on the blonde’s skin. “That would just be cruel. You brought him here. You let me see him, and then–” 

 

“Regina.” 

 

“No,” Regina hissed, her anger crumbling under the weight of the pain, her hurt, the deep sadness that was spilling into her eyes. “Why did you even bring him here if you’re only going to take him away from me again? More importantly, did you think about how Henry might feel? Why bring me back into his life at all if...” 

 

Regina’s words started to fade as Emma realized what she was doing. Her first instinct was to protect Henry, always, and then herself. After seeing Robin and Roland, the house, the life Regina had built with them, Emma could only see how they did not belong. But she needed to take off her blinders and see everything. Regina was right. Emma had already brought Henry there. She had sent Regina the box of pictures of Henry last week. She was bringing them back into each other’s life, the process already started, and it wouldn’t be right for her to pull Henry away when they both clearly wanted to reclaim the relationship that they had lost. 

 

Other people in Regina’s life did not mean she did not have room for Henry, Emma realized, dismissing her earlier thoughts. 

 

She roughly shook her head, fingers digging into her loose blonde waves at the top of it. Her thoughts were so conflicting, confusing, hard to follow. One moment, she felt like one thing made the most sense, and then the next moment her previous thought sounded like a terrible idea to her. She had been ready to go, to tell Regina to forget she even came to see her. Now, all she could see was how that would devastate two of the last people she ever wanted to hurt. 

 

“That’s not what I meant to do,” Emma said, speaking over Regina, shaking her head. “Fuck, Regina, I’m...” She shook her head, wondering when the exact moment she had messed up was and how she could go back and undo whatever mistake she’d made that had Regina looking at her with sorrow-filled eyes, flickers of rage mixed in. “I’m sorry. Okay? I’m sorry.” 

 

Regina’s breath came out in heavy bursts on Emma’s face. She crossed her arms over her body, going silent as she looked at Emma like she wanted to say so much more. She didn’t back away from Emma, staying inches from her as though, even in the tornado of emotions she was caught in, she did not want to be too far. Emma didn’t move away either, their silence loud in her ears.

 

It felt as though she hadn’t properly looked at Regina when she arrived, like she had been so busy with the rush of everything else that she missed a lot. She hadn’t noticed the exhaustion etched into Regina’s face like a permanent feature. Her hair was longer than Emma had ever seen it, over her shoulder and falling down to stop a few inches above her breast, curling gently at the ends. But what stood out most was how she held herself with protective arms so much more than she had years before. Perhaps it looked as though she was merely cold to someone who didn’t know Regina – for it was windy, the air was icy, and Regina stood only in a sweater and fitted jeans – but Emma knew better. 

 

She glanced over to the car, checking on Henry and remembering who would hurt the most if she just turned them away from Regina and never turned back. It wasn’t Emma. It was Henry. She gave him a half-smile, and he responded with one of his own as he continued to watch them through the window. He didn’t deserve to be hurt just because Emma had allowed herself to live in a bubble of hope the last few weeks and had completely ignored the obvious signs Regina had given her about her homelife. 

 

Emma sighed loudly, moving her eyes to the ones that were still focused on her. “Can we back up a little and start over?” 

 

Regina raised her brow. “What?” 

 

Emma let a small amount of hope slip into her smile. She shrugged with one shoulder. “I don’t want to be sitting in my room eight years from now with regrets about today.” She watched Regina’s throat work as the brunette swallowed slowly. “I did this all wrong, everything. Coming here because I want you back in my life was a mistake and, yes, as you said, kinda selfish of me. But,” she said, shifting her weight from one foot to the other, hands going to her back pockets, “coming here wasn’t a mistake. Leaving without you and Henry getting time together would be, though.” 

 

There was a brief pause, Regina seeming to take everything in and work through each detail separately. She sighed after a moment. “What were you thinking?” Regina asked, sounding truly perplexed. “Emma,” she breathed. “Emma.” 

 

“I missed you,” Emma said simply, unable to look away from Regina’s eyes. Her stomach twisted and turned, but she didn’t break eye contact. “I wanted to be able to see you, to talk to you in person. The phone conversation wasn’t enough.” 

 

“And you think one or two conversations here will be?” Her head shook. “It’s never going to feel like enough when you’re always going to want more. You want something I–” 

 

“Can’t give me,” Emma said with a heavy sigh and an ache in her chest, “I know.” 

 

Regina dampened her lips, looking over to the house briefly before shaking her head again. The look in her eyes when she turned back was full of mixed emotions. She looked like she wanted to say something. If she did, she kept it inside and chose to stay quiet. 

 

“We’re still leaving here, but we’re going to be in Boston for five more days before we need to head back to Florida. I don’t know how your schedule is–” 

 

“It’s not a factor,” Regina said quickly, hope practically pouring out of her. 

 

Emma nodded, reminded of how long it had been since Regina had spent time with Henry. She might not have legally been his mother, but it was the role she had had in Henry’s life for nearly three years. Emma had taken that away from her, and she couldn’t undo it. Seeing the way Regina was ready to grab any opportunity she could to be with Henry, Emma hated her past self for what she had done. She wouldn’t repeat that mistake.

 

“We don’t really have anything planned, so, you know...” Emma trailed off with a shrug. “Whenever you want, we can meet you somewhere that isn’t, well, here. And, um. I’m sorry for just showing up at your house. That was really uncool of me. I sometimes get these ideas–” 

 

“And you just run with them,” Regina said, a faint smile daring to appear on her mouth as she nodded. “I know.” 

 

“Yeah, well, I’m sorry. This was an idea I should have let someone talk me out of.” 

 

“A warning would have been appreciated – asking me what I wanted, even more so.”

 

Emma frowned. “Showing up was inconsiderate.” 

 

Regina’s arms loosened from around herself and a hand reached out to touch Emma’s arm. It hovered, Regina’s eyes darting towards the same direction it moved. Then, she let it fall, never allowing the two of them to connect. “Your apology is accepted. I understand the...” She huffed out a breath, cutting herself off mid-sentence. “Never mind.” 

 

“What?” Emma asked, not wanting her to drop whatever she had started to say. 

 

Regina looked into her eyes, searching, contemplating. Some things never changed, and the way she was looking at Emma was one of them. She worked her fingers through her hair as her head shook. “As I said, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you lately,” she told Emma quietly, almost like she didn’t want to put the words back out there again. She dampened her lips and looked away. “I may not like that you chose to show up unannounced, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to see you.” 

 

She felt a warm and fluttery sensation from hearing those words. Regina wanted to see her, and no matter how sure she had been of that before arriving, how convinced she had made herself that Regina would be happy to see her, actually hearing it from Regina herself made her feel hopeful. She no longer knew what she was hopeful for, no longer knew how she could fit in Regina’s life, but there was definitely a thought of  _ maybe _ moving through her head. 

 

Before Emma could say anything in response, Regina cleared her throat and changed the topic back to Henry. “Anyway. About Henry...” 

 

“Yeah. Just–” 

 

“Dinner,” Regina suggested, “tonight, if that’s not too soon for you.” 

 

“Not at all. We can do dinner.” 

 

Regina looked over to the car, a warm look passing through her eyes. “I can send you a few suggestions and their menus when I get inside, and then the two of you can make the final decision.” She turned back to look at Emma, let out a breath when Emma nodded. “Thank you for bringing him here. I’ve...” 

 

Despite Regina not finishing her thought, Emma nodded and smiled a little at her. “He wanted to come. He wanted to see you, too.” 

 

Regina’s breath hitched, but she didn’t say anything in response to what Emma had said. She tilted her head towards the car instead, saying, “Let me walk you to the car.” 

 

Emma nodded silently and allowed Regina to go first. They walked in silence, Emma’s hands in her pockets and Regina’s loosely clasped in front of her. When they reached the gate, however, those hands unclasped and she felt one of them on her back, too many layers between them for Emma to feel more than a slight pressure, but she could imagine cold fingertips and soft skin on her own. She shivered and hoped it wasn’t obvious, or that Regina might believe it was in response to the chilly air. Her eyes flicked over to Regina, but neither of them said a word as Regina guided Emma all the way to the car without taking her hand from Emma’s back. 

 

Henry opened the door, looking between the two of them with questioning eyes. Emma gave him a small smile and a thumbs-up. Seeing the relief wash over his face in response let her know she was making the right decision. He smiled, looking at both of them. She turned to Regina again and saw she was also smiling, a full, warm, beautiful smile that made her exhaustion fade momentarily as happiness spread across her face. Emma’s heart felt full looking at the two of them, and then, because she couldn’t help it, she joined them and let a smile pull at her cheeks. Something felt right about the moment. 

 

* * *

 

Regina did not leave Emma’s mind for too long during the day, and by the time she and Henry were getting ready to meet her for dinner, Regina was pretty much all she could think about. Emma had so many questions, wanted to say so much to her, and all of it was twisting around in her head as she stood in front of the bathroom mirror, wrapped up in a towel while she waited for the mirror to clear up a little more so she could see her reflection. Most of what was on her mind would be staying there, even though the words were ready to spring out of her mouth already. She had decided that the night was all about Henry, Henry and Regina getting to know each other again.

 

That did not stop her from mentally questioning what would happen between her and Regina. Reconnecting Henry and Regina felt like the first step of a long journey, but she wasn’t sure where they were headed. She wanted to move forward, and it felt like they were – but what was ahead of them? Regina said she wanted to see her, but did she want to be friends again? Was that too much? Did their history make things difficult for Regina? Did knowing that Emma still harbored feelings for her make Regina uncomfortable? Did Regina share her– no, she decided, not even wanting to think about that. Romantically, Regina was off-limits. But, a platonic relationship, the way they had started out... Could they go back to that? 

 

She huffed out a breath and unwrapped her towel from her body, putting on her underwear and looking down at the options she had brought into the hotel bathroom with her. She hadn’t figured out what she should wear. Looking down at three pairs of blue jeans and two black pairs, it might not have looked as though her decision was a tough one to make – but it was. She had skinny jeans, jeans that made her butt look incredible, jeans with ripped knees, and then there was the pair that would look really good with a crisp button down if she felt like pulling out the iron. She didn’t know what her best look was, and it wasn’t like she was trying to impress Regina or anything like that,  _ but,  _ well, she might have been trying to look good for Regina. Some things never changed. 

 

“Dammit, Emma. She’s off-limits,” she reminded herself, picking up a pair at random and sliding her legs into them. She didn’t normally care too much about what she wore. She liked her plaid, her tank tops, and good jeans. As long as she was comfortable and the clothes looked good on her, that was all that mattered.  _ Usually, _ that was all that mattered. 

 

She groaned out loud and unbuttoned the pants she had just done up, wiggling out of the tight denim and throwing them to the counter. She couldn’t pretend she didn’t care. She wasn’t going to do anything stupid like hit on Regina, but she still wanted to look her best. She wanted Regina to think she looked good. She needed to make her choice carefully.

 

* * *

 

“Ma,” Henry called from the other side of the door, knocking rapidly. “I need to get in there, too.”

 

“Give me one more minute,” Emma said, standing on the chair she had dragged into the bathroom so she could see all of herself in the mirror. She was looking over her shoulder, neatening the eggshell blue button down she had tucked into the tight black jeans she had chosen. 

 

“Ma,” Henry groaned this time, impatient. “I need the mirror.” 

 

“It’s open, kid, just come in,” she said, turning around to look at the front of her. She was suddenly extremely grateful for their separate bathrooms back home. She didn’t think either of them spent much time getting ready, but they weren’t doing too well sharing one. 

 

Henry was shaking his head at her when he walked in, looking her up and down before dropping his brush on the counter. “You’ve been hogging the bathroom forever, Ma.  _ Forever.  _ You look the same as you always do.”

 

Emma rolled her eyes a little at his dramatics, pulling on her collar and making sure it was straight and properly laid down. “This,” she said, waving her hand from her head down, “takes time. I don’t wake up looking this good.” 

 

Henry gave her an unimpressed look over his shoulder. “Trust me, I know. I’ve seen you in the morning.” 

 

Emma gasped with a hand on her chest, pretending to be offended. “Rude, kid, so rude.” 

 

“Honest, Ma, so honest,” he said with a growing grin as he turned around and started brushing his hair. 

 

She jumped down from the chair and moved over to the sink to bump into him, her hip against his arm. She smiled down at him when he squinted up at her. She turned around and leaned against the sink, crossing one ankle over the other, arms crossed as well. “How are you feeling? Excited? Nervous?” 

 

“Ma,” Henry said very seriously, putting his brush down and looking at her. “I told you seven times already. I am a-okay, not nervous at all. You’re nervous enough for both of us.” 

 

“I’m not nervous,” Emma said dismissively, shaking her head. “Not nervous at all.” 

 

He gave her that look he gave her when he didn’t believe a thing she was saying. It was usually when she was trying to deny something that was obvious. “Not at all?” 

 

She shook her head. “Nope.” 

 

“Really?” he challenged, raising his eyebrows and his chin, eyeing her like he was a detective and she was his prime suspect that he thought he was about to catch in a lie. It was adorable. 

 

She smiled and gave in. “Okay. Maybe I’m a  _ little _ nervous, but only a little.” 

 

He moved to stand in front of her and grasped her upper arms with his small hands. “It’s okay to be nervous. You’re going to be fine, though,” he said with conviction. “You’ve got me by your side if you feel like it’s too much, just like you’ve always got my back when I need you. I can be the one giving support, too, you know. I’m really good at it.” 

 

“I don’t doubt you are.”

 

“I can bring a notepad and pen to write down things for you to say if you need me to.” 

 

Emma laughed a little through her large grin. “I think we’ll manage without the notepad. Regina might notice.” 

 

“True,” he agreed. “I can fill the silences that get awkward, so don’t worry about it. Everything’s going to be great.” 

 

Emma unfolded her arms and fixed his collar for him. She had walked into the outer room and found him switching shirts and pants just like she had been doing in the bathroom. He admitted that he wanted everything to be perfect, and she had smiled, relating to the feeling. She had then helped him put his outfit together. They were matching, his blue shirt plaid and darker than Emma’s, but it was paired with black jeans and boots just like hers. 

 

“Don’t worry about me, kid.” She bent down and kissed the top of his head. “I just want tonight to go smoothly. I want you to enjoy yourself, and for things to, you know...” 

 

He nodded, appearing to understand her unfinished statement. “We’re all going to have so much fun tonight. I’m sure of it.” 

 

“Then let’s get to it, then, yeah? Let’s not make a bad first impression by being late.” 


	33. Chapter 33

**March 2017**

 

Emma was trying to imagine the two of them living in Boston as they walked to the restaurant that was a few blocks away from the hotel they were staying at. It was on her short list of places she was considering. She had been certain about New York, that she wanted to go back and find somewhere outside of Manhattan that she and Henry could start anew. However, she had recently decided to open her options a little more, to see what else was out there. 

 

Boston, she admitted, had moved to the top of her list because of Regina. Despite things not going how she had planned they would, she was still considering it. She hadn’t looked into the job market or seen what was out there like she’d been doing for New York for over a year, but, if things went well during this visit, moving to Boston might be what would work best for Henry. 

 

He liked the city so far. They had spent the day looking around and ended up in a bookstore for several hours before realizing they needed to head back to get ready. They had done a lot of talking, mostly about Regina and what how he felt after seeing her again, but also about traveling. It was their first trip, the first time Henry had been outside of Florida since they got there, and he was enjoying how different everything was. 

 

They talked about going on vacation and places he might want to visit, Emma not telling him that she had been planning for them to take a trip during the summer after he graduated from elementary school. She wanted to be certain she could do it before he knew, didn’t want to get him excited for something that wouldn’t actually happen. So far, it looked like she would be able to manage it. It really all depended on what her job search and their new living situations would be like. Most of the money was already set aside for it, but she didn’t know if she would have the time. She was trying to stay positive, though – her pessimistic thoughts were not welcomed when it came to giving Henry the things she had never had and didn’t want him to miss out on. Every kid should get to go on vacation at some point in their childhood, and she wanted to give him that. 

 

The restaurant was colorful and bright, red booths lining the window and orange and yellow chairs at the black tables scattered around the large space. Emma raised her brow, looking around as she waited for the host to finish with the small group in front of her and Henry. There were light fixtures that looked more like they belonged in an art museum dangling from the ceiling, no two the same, and the room felt alive with its very own energy. Henry was wide-eyed but quiet, taking it all in as well, looking at the aquarium that wrapped around the large cylinder behind the bar.

 

She was untangling her scarf from her around her when the door opened and a gust of wind blew in. Goosebumps broke out on the back of her neck and she raised her hand to rub where the cold was trying to replace the warmth she had built up, completely unaware that the person who had entered was Regina until she heard the familiar timbre of the brunette’s voice close to her ear. 

 

“Look who’s learned to arrive on time,” Regina said, sliding up next to Emma as she removed leather gloves from her hands. There was a hint of amusement in her teasing voice.

 

Emma shivered and knew it wasn’t from the cold, not when all she could feel was heat as Regina’s voice filled her ears and sent warmth spiraling down her spine. The flush of color on her cheeks that was undoubtedly there, Emma decided, she would blame on the weather as she ignored that the nearness of Regina was enough to make her fluttery and excited. She turned and saw Regina smiling at Henry, already saying hello and revealing that Emma wasn’t completely present in the moment. She cleared her throat and wrung her hands around her scarf, giving Henry and Regina both a small smile when they turned to look at her. 

 

They were seated at one of the booths and given menus, and then they were left alone, just the three of them. Henry had taken the spot beside the window, Emma had sat beside him after removing her jacket, and Regina sat in the middle on the other side of the table. The light from above played in her hair and danced in her eyes, much happier now than they had been for most of their time together earlier. Emma allowed herself a moment to enjoy that, to take in the silk champagne blouse with the lacy camisole peeking out from underneath. But that moment was a quick one, her eyes soon dropping down to the menu in front of her. 

 

Their server came and took their drink orders and left to give them a few more minutes to decide which entrees they wanted to order. Emma turned to look at Henry, seeing him reading everything very carefully. She smiled a little and noticed Regina was watching him as well. 

 

“You have any recommendations?” Emma asked, wanting to put an end to the silence that had been at their table since they sat down. Henry and Regina had both looked like they wanted to say something once or twice, but neither had. She decided to start things up for them. 

 

Regina looked a little surprised by the question, but when Henry lifted his head and looked at her as well, she opened the menu she had closed and put aside. “For which one of you?” 

 

Emma shrugged. “I think I’ve made up my mind. This burger here sounds good.” 

 

Regina shook her head from side to side a little as a tiny smirk briefly appeared. “Did you look through the entire menu and still decide to get a burger?” 

 

A small chuckle filled Emma’s throat as she remembered all the times Regina got on her about her diet when she was pregnant with Henry, how that continued throughout the years. “It has blue cheese, caramelized onions,  _ and _ bacon. It’s not just a burger. That’s heaven. Plus, there’s arugula, so there’s something green to appease you. I almost went with the grilled cheese and tomato soup since it’s so cold, but...” 

 

“You didn’t want to reveal that you still eat like a child,” Regina teased, her eyes filling with amusement that made Emma’s heart race in ways it wasn’t supposed to. 

 

“Do I eat like a child, Henry?” Emma asked, knocking into his shoulder lightly. “Tell her I don’t.” 

 

“Are you looking for an honest answer, or do you want me to lie for you?” He turned to Regina, leaning in like he was about to tell her something very important that she couldn’t miss any of. “She buys animal crackers and says they’re for me, but she eats more than half of them – and that’s after making them fight for survival when she attacks their land.”

 

Emma’s cheeks burned hotly as Regina raised an eyebrow slowly. She pulled her menu up and hid her face behind it. “Oh my God. You’re not supposed to tell people about that, kid,” she mumbled. 

 

There was a low laugh floating in the air, and it had been so long that she almost didn’t know it was coming from Regina. “Please, Emma, I’ve seen you do worse.” 

 

She didn’t want to even imagine what Regina was referring to. “That was then. I’ve grown up a lot, you know?” She sat up straight and put her menu back on the table. 

 

Regina hummed in her throat, eyes briefly passing over what was visible of Emma. “Quite nicely, too,” she said without meeting Emma’s eyes, flipping through the menu. 

 

Emma forgot how to breathe properly after that, her chest and throat both tight. She reached up to the top of her fully buttoned shirt and pulled it away from her throat, hoping it would help with the constricted feeling. “Thanks,” she murmured, ducking her head to hide the smile that refused to disappear. 

 

Regina cleared her throat and shifted in her seat. “Let’s see. Henry, how do you feel about mushrooms?” 

 

“Yuck.” 

 

“Butternut squash?” 

 

“Not as bad, but I’ve only had it the one time Ma tried making it. It wasn’t that good.” 

 

“Hey. You said you liked it,” Emma said.

 

He gave her a slightly apologetic smile. “You were having a bad dinner week. You needed a boost in your confidence or we were going to be stuck eating TV dinners and Hot Pockets forever.” He patted her hand and looked at Regina. “Can I skip the vegetables tonight?” 

 

Regina, who had been watching them with intrigue in her eyes, suddenly looked confused. “Pardon?” 

 

Henry tapped his menu. “Vegetables aren’t  _ that _ important, right? I mean–” 

 

“Vegetables are very important,” Regina said in a tone that immediately brought Henry’s argument to its end before it was given the chance to properly start. 

 

Emma busied herself with the silverware wrapped in the napkin to avoid the look she was probably receiving from Regina, one that was most likely asking her what she had been feeding Henry all these years and if she needed to send vitamins or something similar. Regina would do something like that, she was sure.

 

Henry huffed quietly beside her. “Okay. Just no peas, please. They make me itchy.” 

 

“Are you allergic?” Regina asked. 

 

“Probably.” 

 

Emma shook her head, side-eyeing her son. “You are not.” 

 

“The doctor could have been wrong,” Henry said seriously, scratching his neck. “I’m getting itchy just thinking about them.” 

 

Emma rolled her eyes, but Regina was smiling a little – which only made Emma roll her eyes a second time. Regina would probably buy his fake allergy act if Emma wasn’t there, and it reminded her of how the kid had had Regina practically wrapped around his little finger when he was a toddler. Even with the time, she kept noticing, some things never changed. 

 

“How about you get the chicken tenders?” Emma suggested. “There aren't any peas with that.” 

 

“I can eat those at home, Ma. That’s boring.” 

 

“Chicken enchiladas? Or do black beans and corn make you itchy as well?” Regina questioned with mirth flickering in her eyes with the light that had made the rich brown its playground. 

 

He twisted his lips together and seriously considered it. “No,” he decided with a shake of his head. “I haven’t had enchiladas before, though. Are they good?” 

 

Regina nodded. “Delicious, especially from here. You might not remember having them before, but you have. You used to enjoy them.”

 

“Regina used to make some of the best chicken enchiladas,” Emma said, almost able to taste what had been one of her favorite dishes on her tongue. She licked her lips and caught Regina looking at her with a soft expression on her face. “I haven’t had any that were better, actually.” 

 

“Flattery, Emma?” 

 

She shook her head, noticing the server coming towards them. “Just honesty. You tend to excel at whatever you do. You shouldn’t be surprised.”

 

Regina merely hummed, looking back towards Henry and making a real effort to hide the smile that was making the corner of mouth twitch. 

 

* * *

 

Emma spent most of their meal sitting back and watching Henry and Regina after the food had arrived. Keeping to his word, Henry had filled all the silence – not that he stopped talking long enough for their to be a true silence to fill. Regina, as Emma had already known she would be, was completely drawn in by everything Henry had to say. Whether he was telling her about his slowly growing comic book collection, the school play he had been junior director for, or just his everyday activities, Regina’s eyes were glued to Henry, her food nearly forgotten as she soaked up all the Henry knowledge she could.

 

Despite not being included in most of the conversation, Emma didn’t feel left out. She was happy to see how easily they connected, how comfortable they both looked. She sat there wondering if they would be able to maintain a close relationship after the trip was over. There was no question in her mind about how the rest of their time in Boston would go, but she was wondering what it would be like once they were back home in Florida. Regina would want to stay in touch, Emma was sure, and Henry would probably want the same. Would they be able to do that with the miles of distance between them? Would Henry and Regina be able to rebuild their relationship and get to know each other once they left? 

 

Emma was pulled away from her thoughts by an excited, “Can we, Ma?” 

 

She swept her gaze over to look at Regina after seeing Henry’s pleading eyes. Regina had a small smile on her lips, and when Emma raised her brow, Regina nodded her head towards the window. “It’s better suited for warmer nights, but he wants to ride on the commuter boat.” 

 

Emma turned to look out the window as well, could see a boat off in the distance. “And go where?” 

 

He shrugged when she turned back to face him. “Nowhere. We just want to ride. Please.” 

 

“Kid, we’d have to past our hotel just to get to the boat.” 

 

“And? Come on. It’ll be fun.” He looked at Regina with those same pleading eyes. “Mom,” he said in a way that was completely unfair, because there was no way Regina wouldn’t melt in response to him calling her that once again. She also couldn’t deny him what he wanted when his voice was sweet and hopeful; Emma knew that no amount of time apart would change that. “Help.” 

 

Regina’s eyes went soft and she looked from Henry to Emma, but she didn’t say anything at first. She looked uncertain, perhaps about whether or not she should get in the middle of it. She reached for her glass of water and brought it closer to her without drinking any. “I was telling Henry about the skyline at night. He sounded eager to see it for himself.” She drank her water after saying that, not pleading Henry’s case for him but filling Emma in.

 

Henry was practically squirming in his seat beside her. He wasn’t normally an overly excitable child, but she knew that getting to see the city from a distance, the lights, the buildings, was the kind of thing Henry loved. They used to sit in the park a few years back and draw the buildings in their matching sketchbooks, and as they drew, he would make up stories about the people who lived and worked inside of them. She didn’t know where the fascination had originated from, but he loved buildings and structures, had more interest in architecture than she had ever seen in a child – or anyone, perhaps. 

 

“How long is this ride?” Emma asked Regina, looking down at the silver watch on her wrist. It wasn’t late, just after six o’clock, but she didn’t think they had much time left with Regina. She had a family to get back to, and getting on the commuter boat meant going wherever the destination was and then turning back around. It could be a long trip. 

 

“Approximately forty minutes, I believe. I’m not as familiar with this route.” 

 

“Forty minutes?” Emma repeated. “That’s both ways, right?” 

 

She shook her head in the negative. “If we were to go, you would have to be willing to commit two hours to waiting on line and being on the boat itself. If that’s too long for the two of you–”

 

“It’s not,” Henry said, pulling on Emma’s sleeve so she would turn and look at it his big, pleading eyes. “Right, Ma?”

 

Emma let out a breath and looked down at her watch despite having just done that. “Don’t you, you know, need to get back to, you know?” She glanced up at Regina, feeling an uncomfortable twist in her stomach. 

 

Regina looked confused for a second, and then something passed through her eyes that kind of reminded Emma of regret. She couldn’t tell if that was what it was, or what Regina would be regretting once she answered. “No. My schedule is clear for the night. I have nowhere else I need to be.” 

 

“Okay,” Emma said after a moment, nodding her head. 

 

“Okay?” Henry asked slowly, in that way he did when he wasn’t sure of something. “Okay we can go?” 

 

She smiled at him as she nodded, her chest warming when his eyes lit up brightly and his fist pumped the air, victorious. Nothing would ever feel as good as making him happy, giving him things that he wanted. “But you need to keep your scarf on, no untying it like you kept doing earlier. And your gloves. You have to wear those.” 

 

“Okay, okay,” he agreed, grinning over at Regina. “Can we go now?” 

 

Regina laughed a little in her throat, a delighted look on her face as she took in all of Henry’s joy. “Next boat won’t be arriving for at least another twenty minutes. We have a little more time before we need to get there.” 

 

Henry settled down and looked out the window, staring off into the night. Emma pulled out her wallet and searched the restaurant for their server, deciding to go ahead and get the bill so they wouldn’t be rushing when it was time to get going. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed Regina watching her, but the brunette said nothing, so Emma didn’t either. 

 

* * *

 

After they finished in the restaurant, they walked down to a bakery just a few doors down. The scent of cinnamon rushed to greet her when she opened the door for the other two, warm and sweet. Henry hurried in, and then Regina, murmuring a soft thanks, walked past Emma, her gloved hand brushing over Emma’s thumb as she touched the door. Emma followed them, pulling her thumb against her palm and squeezing it, almost buzzing with something electric from that tiny touch.

 

Regina and Emma sat down at a table for two as Henry went up to the counter on his own to order a hot chocolate for the long ride. They were both watching him closely, but Emma peeked out the corner of her eye to see Regina every few seconds. She stopped when she glanced at Regina and found the other woman looking back at her, a small, almost hesitant, smile on her lips. 

 

“Sorry,” Emma mumbled, turning away from the table so she wasn’t tempted to look at Regina. It was difficult. After years of only having old photographs and her memories, she had a strong need to burn the image of Regina into her mind. 

 

“Don’t be,” Regina said softly. A moment of silence passed slowly, and then Regina cleared her throat. “He doesn’t get seasick, does he?” 

 

Emma honestly didn’t know. They’d never been on a boat before. “I hope not. If he does, that hot chocolate is probably a bad idea.” 

 

Regina merely hummed in response, allowing another break in the conversation. They hadn’t spoken much without Henry being the center of the conversation. That was fine with Emma. She wanted the night to be about the two of them, no matter how many questions she had about the relationship between Regina and herself. She was enjoying getting to see them interact, and everything else could wait until another time. Henry was having such a good time, and Regina looked like she was as well, and that was what was most important to Emma. 

 

“Thank you for dinner.” 

 

Emma looked over to Regina. She smiled a little and nodded. “You’re welcome.” 

 

“Tomorrow, if you have the time, I’d like it if you would allow me to take you two somewhere during the day. I have nowhere in particular in mind, but I’m sure I could find something Henry and you would both enjoy.” She looked hopeful but uncertain, a look that Emma kept noticing throughout the night.  

 

“I told you, we have no plans. Henry would love to hang out with you again, I’m sure,” she said, glancing to watch him pay out the corner of her eye. 

 

“And you?” 

 

Emma turned with a questioning eyebrow lifting. “Me?” 

 

Regina checked on Henry as well and then moved her eyes back to Emma. “Yes, you. Is that something you would like as well?” 

 

“I didn’t come all the way up here because I  _ didn’t _ want to spend time with you, you know. Of course I would–” 

 

“You came here because you were hoping to rekindle the relationship we had in New York,” Regina said knowingly, not upset or judging or anything else, just stating a fact. “I’m not sure what I’m offering is what you came here for.” 

 

Emma huffed out an almost silent breath. “You’re right. I wanted that back, us, our family, but... Above all else, I want my friend back, and I want you and Henry to have a place in each other’s life. All the other stuff, I can learn to not want it now that I know I can’t have it. It just takes time.” 

 

Regina looked as though she wanted to say something, but Henry came over to the table and she focused on him instead of Emma. “All ready?” she asked him, standing up from her seat. 

 

He answered with a nod, holding his hot chocolate between both of his hands and looking between the two of them. He had a curious expression on his face, one Emma knew well. He was trying to figure something out, but she couldn’t tell what and knew he wouldn’t ask directly. Half the fun in investigative work was collecting clues, Henry would tell her, and she knew that he was mentally cataloging something as he hummed to himself, the silent ‘interesting’ clear in his eyes. 

 

Emma side-eyed him, but he gave nothing away as he blew into the top of his hot chocolate. “All right,” she said, knowing whatever Henry was thinking about would eventually come out. She stood up and walked to the door. “Let’s get going.”

 

* * *

 

“That one’s my favorite,” Henry said for the fourth or fifth time, pointing to a new building.

 

And just like every other time, despite it being obvious that Henry would continue to change his mind, Regina brought her incredible Boston knowledge to the table and started spewing out facts about Boston’s tallest skyscraper. Henry was completely fascinated, on his knees on the seat and leaning over Regina’s body so he could get closer to the window. Regina had offered to switch spots, but he had said he was fine and she didn’t seem as though she was making the offer because of her own discomfort. 

 

Emma was taking pictures – of the buildings, the water, the night sky, but mostly of Henry and Regina. She didn’t really care that that building was built in 1974 and this one was originally supposed to be several stories higher. Henry was the architecture geek – and Regina was, apparently, still as in love with buildings as she had been when Emma met her. Emma let their conversation float around her, Regina’s smooth voice and Henry’s intrigued one, but she mostly, as she had done during dinner, observed. 

 

“Can you see the hotel from here?” Henry asked curiously, scanning the buildings in the distance. 

 

“Your hotel is...” Regina hummed and looked from the direction they had come from. “No. Probably not until we’re on our way back.”

 

Henry shook his head. “I meant your hotel,” he said, completely oblivious to the mix of emotions that were flitting across Regina’s face. 

 

There was a small amount of confusion that disappeared as she understood what he was asking, and then something curious as she briefly looked at Emma. She raised her brow, and Emma shrugged her shoulders a little. “The hotel?”

 

“We went by to look at it,” she admitted, not sure why she suddenly felt like her stomach was twisting and flipping. “It was one of the first things we did after we got here.” 

 

“Oh,” she said, soft. 

 

Emma knew there was a lot of stuff that was unsettled between them that was tied into that hotel, but she didn’t want the mere mention of it to ruin the incredible night they were having together. “I took a look at it online the other week, but–” 

 

“You did?” Regina asked, her surprise clear in her pitched voice. 

 

Emma shrugged again, rubbing her lips together as she nodded.  _ “Way  _ out of my price range.” She gave a faint chuckle. “I read the reviews, all of them. Not just on the booking website but what I could find from the opening,” she admitted before she could stop herself. “I found an article. You were talking about the process and what it was like restoring the building, and even in that you sounded so passionate. You always had, I don’t know, this drive that I admired so much.

 

“All of it’s visible, too. You can see the love you had for what you were doing in the hotel itself, too, the little things – or at least I noticed, the little touches that I knew were all you. It’s always the small things with you. The tile choices, doorknobs, light switches...” She shrugged a little, knowing she was probably revealing more about herself than Regina, but the words were already out there.

 

Regina was giving her a strange look that Emma couldn’t wrap her head around. 

 

“What?” 

 

She shook her head. “Nothing. I was only...” She shook her head again, dropping her gaze to the floor of the boat. “It amazes me that you still know me so well, that’s all.” 

 

Emma remembered Regina suggesting that she didn’t know her anymore when they spoke on the phone that first night, but she didn’t bring it up. She only smiled a little as Regina, cautiously, lifted her eyes to meet Emma’s once more, a tentative smile of her own pulling at her lips. The flipping and twisting in her belly intensified, but she knew this time it was in response to the look in Regina’s eyes, the warmth and softness that was still so familiar to Emma. 

 

“Did you guys...?” Henry started to say, but when he turned around to look at them, his question died on his tongue and he grinned, immediately turning back.

 

* * *

 

“Would you stop?!” Regina pushed Emma’s phone away.

 

She was rolling her eyes as she shook her head, trying to bite back her amusement. She carefully moved the arm underneath Henry’s head, moving terribly slow so she wouldn’t disturb his sleep. She brushed his hair from his face and adjusted his gray and red striped scarf so it wasn’t pulling at his neck, one of the most tender looks on her face that Emma had ever seen. 

 

Emma lifted the phone and captured one more image of Henry peacefully sleeping against Regina, grinning when Regina glared but was unable to reach her as she leaned away. She wanted pictures of the moment – to tease Henry later, because he looked tiny and impossibly young as he snuggled up to Regina, and because she couldn’t get enough of how perfectly content Regina looked. If Emma had her way, she would have just recorded the entire night. There were too many small moments that she wanted to make sure were not forgotten. 

 

“Okay,” Emma said as she slipped her cell into her pocket and moved back over to Henry’s other side. “I’m done now. Phone’s away.”

 

“Good,” Regina said, her voice light and not at all annoyed. There was a softness to her face, relaxed and unbothered by anything. “By the way, I expect copies of all the pictures you’ve taken.”

 

Emma started to nod, but then she remembered that she had taken several that were just of Regina and felt her cheeks warm a little. “All the ones with Henry, you mean, right?” Regina raised an eyebrow, curious. Emma shook her head, not knowing why she had even asked. “Never mind. You got it.” 

 

Regina gave her a strange look, but she turned away and looked out the window without saying anything. Emma put her arm on the back of the bench and slouched as she yawned largely, ready to get some sleep. The corner of Regina’s eye crinkled, and Emma had an overwhelming desire to brush her fingers over the small crevices. She curled her fingers into her palm and forced her eyes away instead, knowing it was a want she needed to bury. If she was truly going to work on being completely okay with the limitations she knew needed to exist to respect Regina’s relationship with Robin, she needed to start by extinguishing the want for more that kept rising inside her. 

 

Not too much later, Emma sensed Regina turning and felt a pull, almost magnetic in its strength, that demanded she turn back to meet Regina’s gaze. When she did, Regina looked into her eyes that way that used to make Emma feel like she was getting lost in her. She still remembered clearly what it was like to feel like she was all that Regina could see, all that mattered, and that was exactly how she felt as Regina silently looked at her, the skyline and the moon in the distance, Henry between them, eyes Emma could drown in completely focused on her. It was like the three of them were in their own little bubble, and Emma felt off-balance, breathless even, as she allowed Regina to see whatever it was in Emma that had grabbed her attention and was holding her hostage. 

 

Suddenly, Emma wasn’t so sure she knew how to stop wanting things she couldn’t have. It was going to be difficult trying to move forward when there were moments like this that she couldn’t help but wonder if maybe Regina, as she had thought before, still wanted her as well. Everything about the night felt familiar, like no time had passed, and if she chose to forget what she had discovered when she showed up at Regina’s house, she could almost imagine that they were moving towards something big and important, something real, something that sounded like family when it echoed in her heart. 

 

She wanted to say so much, but she worried she might choose the wrong words and they would burst their bubble. So she sat quietly, not hearing the sound of anything but her own pulse in her ears and the questions that wouldn’t stop tumbling around in her head. 

 

How did one accept a simple friendship when they knew how amazing the alternative was?


	34. Chapter 34

**March 2017**

 

A pool day when it was freezing cold outside might not have been what Emma had in mind for their last day in Boston, but it was what Henry had said he wanted to do when Regina asked. They had spent every single day with Regina, eaten almost all of their meals with her, and had explored many parts of Boston together, filling up Emma’s camera roll with plenty of photographs to remember the trip. They had gone ice skating and for long strolls where they just talked, the three of them making the most of the short time they had.

 

Now, he and Regina were in the otherwise empty hotel pool, tapping the beach ball they had inflated over the net to each other. Emma sat on a lounge chair, watching them and reflecting, working through the thoughts that had been continuously distracting her while she was playing with the other two. Her distractions had resulted in her missing the ball and getting hit in the head with it once, but she wasn’t entirely sure Regina had done that accidentally – especially since they had been on the same team and the brunette was smirking a little when Emma looked at her.

 

There was an unending list of questions moving around inside her head, and despite having found a way to keep them to herself, she couldn’t quite get rid of them. In fact, Emma was wondering more about Regina now than she had on their first day.

 

While there was no doubt about how things were going between Regina and Henry, she wasn’t sure about what was going on between the two of them. Henry raved about Regina and spoke about their adventures every night once they got back to the hotel. Emma’s ‘Get Regina Back’ trip had at least been successful for him, and for that Emma was grateful. They connected naturally, and it was hard believing eight years had gone by with only Emma’s occasional story of the past there in recent times to keep Regina alive in Henry’s own memories. Unfortunately, Emma didn’t think it had been that much of a success for her.

 

It felt like Regina was pulling Emma in sometimes, and then a moment later, it would feel as though she was blocking her out. Regina could be a little distant at times, and Emma had always known that, knew that she fought her instincts when she wasn’t confident that she should be following them. It felt like Regina wanted to let Emma get closer but at the same time didn’t think it was the best next move. It was confusing. Emma couldn’t keep up. They spoke mostly about the past, sharing stories with Henry, answering the questions he never stopped coming up with. Where she and Regina were in terms of moving forward, however, was not something that was clear. Emma knew only one thing: Regina, as Emma did, wanted to move forward. The question she still did not have an answer to was, what was in front of them?

 

Emma sat up in her chair when Regina swam to the edge of the pool and leaned against her crossed arms. Behind her, Henry was floating on his back in the water, perfectly fine with entertaining himself. Regina was observing Emma at first, that penetrating gaze of hers considering something. Emma raised an eyebrow, and Regina answered by letting the corner of her mouth quirk before she slowly pulled herself out of the pool.

 

Emma swallowed and forgot to look away, was mesmerized by the water that waterfalled down Regina’s fit body and sloshed down to the floor, unable to look away from the modest yet attention-grabbing one-piece swimsuit that revealed Regina’s sides and the slight dips at her waist that Emma wanted to rest her hands on. She pushed that thought out of her mind just as quickly as it appeared, not wanting to let herself get caught up in imagining what it would be like to touch and hold Regina again. Her fingers were already tingling with the need to find out, so thinking about it was a terrible, terrible idea. Instead, she watched Regina cross over to where she was sitting, not sure that was much better as the other woman made walking look like an art of seduction without even attempting to.

 

Regina grabbed her towel from the chair next to Emma’s own and used it to catch the dripping water from her hair, eyeing Emma the entire time. Emma dragged her tongue over her lower lip and her eyes over Regina, moving from her shapely legs to where the black material smoothly covered her hips, lingering for a moment while Regina did not move, did not dry the droplets that were clinging to her skin. Her throat felt dry as she continued the journey she knew she should not be allowing herself to take, especially at such a leisure pace. But how was she supposed to stop? Regina was an attractive woman – dressed, undressed, and everything in between – and Emma had always loved looking at her, had always been unable to hide that she thought Regina was gorgeous.

 

In her mind, she could see the back of her hands sweeping over Regina’s sides. She shivered the same time she pictured Regina doing so, goosebumps scattering across her skin. A rush of heat moved through her body and she slammed her eyes shut, attempting to clear away the images that were trying to permanently etch themselves into her mind. She was doing a horrible job at this strictly platonic thing. She wanted to be better at it. She wanted to bury her attraction and not feel the desire that still burned inside her body like it had never gone away. It didn’t sound like it should be such a difficult task, but it was.

 

When she told Regina that how she felt about her back in New York was still true, that nobody had ever made her feel the way Regina did, she hadn’t been lying. Finding people physically attractive came naturally to her, but actually wanting them, desiring them, might as well had been a foreign concept to her at times. She required a connection before she got there, and Regina was the only person she had ever allowed herself to get that close to. Sex was basically equivalent to needing an itch scratched in most cases, but it had never been like that with Regina. So shutting down the pull she felt, the longing, the want, while being something she was trying to do, was something she had absolutely no experience with.

 

She took a deep breath and opened her eyes back, flicking them up to find Regina, as she had suspected she might be, looking at her. Her expression gave none of her own thoughts away, purposely blank, but it had always been with her eyes that she revealed the most. And as Regina sat down on the chair next to Emma’s, there was a war going on inside her. What Regina was fighting against, she could not tell, but Emma could see the battle, the push and pull.

 

Determined to prove to herself that she could figure everything out between her and Regina while putting her physical attraction aside, she twisted in her lounge chair and leaned her elbow against the arm, getting comfortable. “Can we talk?”

 

Regina glanced over to the pool before nodding her head. She crossed her legs at the ankles and let out a slow breath as she reclined back. “There’s been a lot on your mind this week, hasn’t it?”

 

Emma nodded. “Yeah,” she answered simply.

 

Regina dampened her lips before letting them curve into a gentle smile. “You still get visibly lost in your thoughts. I could tell.”

 

Emma didn’t know why that made her heart react with a heavy thud, but it did. She rubbed her hand over her chest and then slipped it up to sit under the strap of her bikini, gripping her shoulder. “I feel like we need to, I don’t know, lay everything out and see where we are.”

 

A thoughtful hum was Regina’s only response for a moment. The sound of Henry swimming echoed in the room and filled the silence as Emma waited. Then, Regina folded her hands together atop her thighs, one of her thumbs slowly rubbing over the other, and gave Emma a short nod. She was watching Henry in the pool and not looking at Emma, but Emma knew she still had her attention.

 

“I want us to be friends again. I know it won’t happen overnight and that there are still old wounds that haven’t properly been looked after and taken care of, but I think we can, if we both want to, find a way to be friends again.” She chewed on her cheek as she gathered the courage to ask her next question, choosing to be direct and hoping Regina would do the same. “Do you want that? Do you want for us to be friends again?”

 

Regina’s answer was an immediate, “I do.” She released a slow breath and her shoulders slumped slightly. Her head tilted to the side, wet hair that was curling falling over her shoulder. She grabbed onto Emma’s gaze and silently demanded Emma look at her, demanded something that Emma was happily doing already. “If our time together since you and Henry arrived has proven anything to me, it’s that something has been missing in my life these years I’ve been here, and I don’t want to be without it any longer.

 

“You’re right – it won’t happen overnight. We need to talk, perhaps not right now but in due time, learn how to trust each other the way we once did. As difficult as it might be for us to relive the past and acknowledge that we’ve both hurt each other, it’s the only way that we’ll be able to reclaim any of what we once had, the only way we could hope to have a healthy relationship.”

 

Emma nodded, agreeing completely. “I never meant to, you know?” She pleaded with Regina to understand that, hoped she could see the sincerity in her eyes. She’d said it before, but she needed to again, needed to know Regina really believed her. “I know I did, and there’s no undoing it, but I never wanted to hurt you.”

 

“Of course you didn’t,” Regina said softly, her hand reaching out as though she was going to touch Emma but hovering awkwardly in the air instead as a pained look formed in her eyes and her lips pressed together tightly.

 

Emma dared to take Regina’s hand into her own. When Regina sighed instead of pulling away, Emma squeezed her fingers around Regina’s and held on tightly. She looked down at their hands, the two of them holding on to each other like they were both afraid the other might pull away, and she felt comforted by that despite her own fear. Regina wanted her, maybe not in all the ways Emma still wanted her, but there was definitely something there – and that something was more than enough for her.

 

“As I said, we both hurt each other,” Regina said regretfully. “I may have spent a long time holding on to the pain, and I let that pain turn into anger, but in the end, it did me no good. Does it hurt seeing how much he has grown without me?” She flicked her eyes over to Henry, a look almost like longing in her eyes, burning painfully. “Of course it does. Do I wish things had happened differently? Absolutely. But I trapped myself in a cycle of negativity and anger, and for what? It changed nothing. I needed to find a way to move on from that.”

 

“Have you?”

 

Regina’s thumb stroked Emma’s. “Completely? No,” she said honestly. “Enough to recognize that I don’t want to live in the past? Yes. What good would we be doing Henry if we live in the past and continuously focus on the wrong choices we made nearly a decade ago?”

 

Emma bit on her cheek as she turned to their son. They had lived a happy life together, but after their time with Regina, she could see how much richer life would have been if he had both of them. She nodded in agreement to what Regina had said. “We leave the past in the past where it belongs – for Henry. Okay.”

 

“For all of us,” Regina said, the distinguishment sounding important in her voice. 

 

Emma agreed with a simple hum. “You know all that stuff I said on the phone?” She slowly lifted her eyes and saw Regina’s confusion. “About wanting you back,” she elaborated.

 

Regina swallowed and looked away, her eyes finding Henry in the pool as she whispered Emma’s name. “Emma,” she said another time, exhaling a quiet breath. Nothing but heavy silence followed the two syllables.

 

“I know,” Emma said. “I just want you to know that, yeah, I meant everything I said, but I’m trying to move on.”

 

“You’re what?” Regina asked, turning her head quickly, her voice pitching slightly. There looked like there was a flash of hurt that flitted across her face, but Regina tried hiding her emotions too quickly for Emma to be certain.

 

Emma’s heart clenched in her chest painfully, but she squeezed the hand that she thought might leave her own. “It’s what’s best for us,” she said confidently. “I don’t want my attraction to you getting in the way of us being friends.”

 

Regina shook her head, and there was something about the look in her eyes that spoke of old pains and hurt that would never completely go away. “You’re doing it again. You’re deciding what’s best for _us_ without even asking me what I want, what I think. That isn’t doing what’s best for us, Emma.”

 

Emma frowned and felt the constricting feeling in her chest worsen. It was like someone was squeezing her heart, like they were determined to crush it. It hurt. “This isn’t the same,” she said, still as sure as she was a moment ago. “I messed up then, and I hurt all of us because I made that decision by myself. This, though? It’s obvious. You’re unavailable and I’m holding on when I need to let go. If I want my friend back, I have to be okay with not having everything we once had. I know this is what’s best this time.”

 

“Okay,” Regina said, tired and like she just didn’t have it in her to talk about it anymore. “Obviously you know what’s best, so...” She pulled her hand away from Emma’s and stood up from the lounge chair. She looked over her shoulder, her voice heavy but quiet. “I hope you’re right.”

 

Emma reached out and caught Regina by the arm lightly, stopping her but dropping her hand as soon as Regina stopped moving. She didn’t want to hold her in place if she truly didn’t want to be there. “I just want you back in my life, Regina. That’s it. I want Henry to have his other mother back. I want–”

 

“Our friendship back,” Regina said, and there was something distant and painful in her voice that Emma just didn’t understand. “I know.”

 

“And you do, too, right?” she asked, suddenly feeling uncertain even though Regina had just told her a few minutes ago that she wanted the same thing.

 

Regina moved between their lounge chairs and looked down at Emma, searching for something that must have been hidden deep within Emma because Regina looked as though she was struggling to find it. Her brow furrowed and her lips pursed, her stare hard but not necessarily unkind. Emma felt the tightness in her chest release, only for the familiar heavy beating to begin when Regina reached out for Emma like she had earlier but didn’t stop herself from touching the cheek that instantly warmed beneath her fingers.  

 

“There is no lack of desire here, Emma,” she said softly, eyes going completely soft and honest. Her fingers caressed Emma’s cheek, fingertips delicate, and then she smiled, with her eyes and cheeks and all the light that could spill out of someone. “It’s only a matter of learning if we can find our way back to each other.”

 

Emma’s skin tingled like there were small bursts of electric energy prickling her cheek. She swallowed and couldn’t find any words at first. Regina’s eyes were too hypnotic, too full of emotions, and Emma was lost in them. It was only Regina sliding her hand away that cleared Emma’s mind enough for her to speak.

 

“You never really left me, not completely. It might sound ridiculous and sappy, but you’ve always been with me in some way.” Regina’s hitching breath made Emma’s stomach twist. “Always.”

 

Regina covered her heart and didn’t say anything until she turned away. “I know the feeling,” she said, breathy and low before she left Emma alone with the ghost of her fingers on the blonde’s face.

 

* * *

 

Despite having planned to go out for a nice dinner on their last night, a surprise downpour had made them quickly change their minds. Instead, the trio was now inside Emma and Henry’s hotel room, pizza ordered and movies already picked out for a movie night. Henry had grinned widely when they agreed to his plan, and it seemed like he was looking forward to a night in more than he had been a night out anyway. Emma was feeling the same way, had already jumped in the shower when they got there so she could slip into something comfortable and get into bed.

 

Henry had gone into the bathroom as soon as she left, bringing his clothes with him to have his own shower and change. Regina laughed as she, sitting on the edge of Emma’s bed, watched the door close, Emma barely getting out of the way before it was shutting. Emma looked over her shoulder and joined in with her own faint chuckle, shaking her head from side to side.

 

“I’ve never seen him so excited to shower.”

 

Regina hummed. “Remember when we used to have to put half of his toys in the tub just to get him inside it?”

 

Emma’s laugh grew louder as she nodded, moving over to her packed suitcase and kneeling on the floor. She was wrapped up in a towel over her underwear, and now she was in search of a shirt and sweats to sleep in. “Or when he wouldn’t get in alone? Oh my god, that was the worst,” she said, looking through the suitcase that had never been unpacked, only rummaged through.

 

“You weren’t the one getting in with him,” Regina said with a little scoff.

 

Emma could still see Regina slipping on a swimsuit and joining Henry in the tub so he would get in. She was pretty sure she had some photographs of them like that somewhere in her crate full of old photos. She smiled fondly at the memory, pulling out some clothes. She looked over her shoulder and saw Regina watching her.

 

Emma smiled and looked Regina over briefly – her hair was pulled back, frizzy and with the natural curls that she usually straightened out; the soft look of her makeup-free face and her air-dried hair not quite matching the straight lines of the jacket she wore with her fitted red blouse and black jeans. At least she had removed her boots when they came in, and her socks, because she still didn’t like the feeling of socks on her feet, which had made Emma smile when she confirmed that that little fact hadn’t changed.

 

She turned back to her suitcase and found another pair of sweats and grabbed one of her tank tops. She walked over to Regina and put the clothes down on the lap of the confused brunette. “You’re staying for a while, right?”

 

Regina nodded slowly, eyeing the gray sweats suspiciously. “I intend to, yes.”

 

“They’re clean,” Emma said with an eye roll, tossing her own clothes on the bed. She turned her back to Regina and loosened her towel, letting it fall down to the floor.

 

“I wasn’t...” Regina paused to clear her throat, shuffling on the bed, her voice suddenly unsteady.“Uh.”

 

Emma looked over her shoulder to give Regina a questioning look, but she found herself observing Regina instead, amused. Regina’s eyes were focused on Emma’s naked back and a hint of color splashed her cheeks, a reddish hue in bloom, a blush, and Emma understood the way Regina’s breath stuttered and her sentence died on her tongue. Emma was so used to getting dressed with people around that she usually did so without much thought. Mary Margaret used to blush and quickly turn away when Emma would change in the middle of conversations when they lived together, but Regina’s blush was different. Her eyes were admiring and darkening slightly, and there was nothing that suggested she was embarrassed or uncomfortable.

 

Regina’s tongue peeked out and traveled over her lower lip, and Emma felt a pleasantly slow wave of heat roll into her. She wanted to turn around and capture one of Regina’s lips with her own, couldn’t move her eyes from Regina’s mouth as she pictured her tongue licking over the delicate curve of that lip. Emma’s teeth sunk into her bottom one and another rush of heat moved through her body. She shivered despite it.

 

Emma heard Regina whisper something, saw her lips move around the words, but she didn’t hear what she had said, too lost in the thought of kissing Regina. She swallowed and forced her eyes away from Regina’s mouth. “What?” she asked, needing to clear her throat because it sounded rough and revealed too much about where she had let her mind drift off to.

 

Emma really wasn’t doing a good job at burying her attraction, not at all.

 

Regina reached up to her neck, as though she was going to pull away her collar, but there was nothing at her neck and she stroked the skin with the backs of her fingers instead. “I said, you should probably get dressed before Henry finishes in the bathroom,” Regina told her, eyes refusing to meet Emma’s. She stared at a place beyond Emma’s head instead.

 

Emma grabbed her shirt and pulled it on. Her heart was beating with excitement that she should try to put an end to, but Regina was flustered, and she wasn’t easily flustered. She couldn’t help but enjoy it, couldn't’ stop herself from reveling in the moment. Emma might be trying to keep her attraction contained in a box somewhere, but that didn’t mean she didn’t like knowing that Regina, despite everything else, still found her attractive as well.

 

“Sorry,” she said as she picked up her pants from the bed and pulled them on as well. She removed her hair from the bun it was in and shook it out, letting her fingers move through it and massage her scalp as she picked up her towel and brought it to the pile of things she needed to take care of but was putting off.

 

Regina made a small noise in her throat and said nothing in response to Emma’s apology. She looked down at the clothes Emma had given her instead and neatly laid them across her lap. “Henry said he’s allowed two hours on the computer after school during the weekdays,” Regina said, clearing her throat and busying her hands with neatening the tank top that would probably be wrinkle-free for years to come with all the attention Regina was giving it.

 

“Too much?” Emma asked.

 

Regina shook her head and waved her hand dismissively. “Not why I brought it up.” She dampened her lips, looking somewhat nervous as she lifted her eyes and searched for Emma’s. She puffed out a breath that made her look as though she deflated for a moment, and then she just dove in, in a very Regina manner, pushing past whatever had made her hesitate. “I wanted to run it by you first to make sure you were okay with it, but I would like very much if I were able to talk to him via Skype. I don’t want the physical distance between us to be a reason why I’m not able to be there for him – if he chooses to let me back into his life beyond this trip.”

 

Emma smiled at the thought of the two of them video chatting. Henry mostly used his laptop for gaming and homework, but, of course, if Regina wanted to Skype, Emma was all for it. She already knew Henry would be, too. So, as she joined Regina on the bed, climbing in and settling with her back against the fluffy pillows, she answered easily. “That sounds like a perfect idea. The kid would love that.” She reached for the television remote, about to turn something on but deciding against it just before her finger went to press the button. “Let me know what times work best for you. I can adjust his schedule a bit. He’s at MM’s before we go home, anyway.”

 

Regina shook her head. “That won’t be necessary. I’ll do the adjusting. I don’t want to add more changes to his life than I already am simply by being brought back into it.”

 

Emma could sense Regina’s doubt – perhaps about whether or not Henry would want to stay connected once they left Boston. She wanted to assure her that she had no reason to doubt Henry wanting her back in his life. Lightly bumping her foot into Regina’s thigh, Emma smiled at her, holding onto russet eyes. “Whatever happens, however it works out, your place in this family is permanent. ‘Kay? Henry and I both feel that way. He’s already asked me every night about finally getting a cell phone so he’s able to call you. So, If you’re worried about that, you don’t need to be.”

 

“I,” Regina said, surprise and uncertainty heavy in that one word. The rest of what she was going to say got caught in her throat and she shut her mouth. It was okay, though. There was more to be said in her eyes than whatever words she couldn’t get out. They were a little glassy and deep, like little magnets that pulled Emma in so she could feel all the emotions that swam inside of them, the gratitude and wonderment and relief that were all visible. “Thank you,” she finally said softly.

 

Emma pulled one of her legs towards her and then pushed herself up to her knees. She moved so she was behind Regina and tucked her fingers underneath the collar of Regina’s jacket as she said: “You’re welcome. Now, how about you get comfortable and we enjoy movie night with our kid? It’s kinda been a long time.”

 

Regina turned her head back, looking into Emma’s eyes with a soft expression on her face that made Emma’s abdominal muscles flutter. They removed Regina’s jacket together and let it drop to the mattress. Before Emma could move back to the head of the bed, Regina reached out and took Emma’s left hand into her own. She brushed her thumb over the ink that marked her skin, the three daffodils going across her wrist. A hum formed in her throat that vibrated in the air and made Emma’s nerve-endings buzz, that sensation only tripling when Regina ran her finger over more of Emma’s skin.

 

“It’s um–”

 

“Memories,” Regina said in a tone that clearly said she didn’t need Emma to explain. “You always carried around memories with you. I remember.”

 

Emma’s heart skipped and she nodded, watching the way Regina’s finger traced the flowers. “Only the important ones,” she whispered, licking her lips when Regina’s eyes flicked up to meet her own. “I stopped carrying around the ones that didn’t mean much to me, and now it’s only the ones that I want to hold on to.”

 

The skin around Regina’s eyes crinkled as she smiled and twisted her body. They met for a hug naturally, like they both knew the other wanted to be wrapped up in arms they hadn’t felt holding them in far too many years. Emma sighed and relaxed against Regina like she couldn’t remember doing with anyone else, and Regina dared to cling to her, to bury her hands in Emma’s shirt and hold her close. It made Emma’s heart skip again. She buried her nose in the crook of Regina’s neck and breathed in the smell of chlorine that was trying to cover up Regina’s natural scent, the one that was warm and safe and Emma still felt comforted by.

 

She didn’t know how long they stayed like that, hugging, clinging, holding, but she heard a throat being cleared and felt Regina stiffen a little in her arms. Emma lifted her head and saw Henry staring at them, grinning ear to ear. She discreetly rubbed her hand in small circles on Regina’s back to relax her, and she grinned back at Henry.

 

“Get in here, kid,” she said, and he was more than happy to practically throw himself into both of them. They all fell down to the bed, shaking with laughter, and Emma only rolled away a little so she could look at Henry and Regina, burst after burst of happiness rushing through her system as they smiled at each other and hugged, that doubt Regina had been feeling visibly melting away.

 

Emma decided she would hold on to the image of them in bed together, laughing and happy before their movie night instead of focusing on how she and Henry would be leaving early the next morning. Goodbyes were not what she wanted to think about later on. It was how much they had enjoyed their time together that she wanted to keep fresh in her memories.


	35. Chapter 35

**March 2017**

 

The Monday that followed Emma and Henry’s trip to Boston, Emma spent most of her quiet moments thinking about their time with Regina. Thankfully, there weren’t too many quiet moments on Mondays because thinking about Regina made Emma miss her, made her want to go back.

 

She spent half of her day outside of the building on Mondays, doing outreach and speaking at a community center, leaving fliers and information about places the homeless could go for help. It was one of her favorite parts of her job, actually going out into the community and talking to people, giving to them, seeing the impact they had. Sitting behind a table at work and handing out information didn’t feel like it helped anyone sometimes. She knew how many people wouldn’t even come inside the building. Getting out there and telling stories, giving hope, that felt like it made a difference.

 

Sitting in the passenger seat as she and Guinevere drove back to the drop-in center, Emma pulled her phone out of her pocket and checked her messages. There wasn’t anything new, but she still selected Regina’s name. The last time Regina had texted her was on Saturday, just after she had gotten off of Skype with Henry. Regina had heard her sneezing in the background – because, of course, Emma had to get herself sick – and sent a text message to tell Emma to get some rest and drink plenty of fluids. A recipe for chicken noodle soup had followed, and Emma had spent too long staring at it with a warm feeling in her chest to remember to reply. She wondered if it was too late to send something in response.

 

“You okay, Em?”

 

Emma looked away from her phone, letting her lip slide from between her teeth as she raised her brow. “What was that?”

 

Guinevere gestured with head to the phone Emma had been staring at. “You keep checking your messages.”

 

Emma turned her phone over and shrugged her shoulders. “Just thinking, nothing serious.”

 

“About Regina, I presume. You still haven’t told me how things went in Boston.”

 

Guinevere wasn’t a pushy person, which was probably one of the reasons Emma got along with her so well. She let Emma know she could talk to her, but she didn’t pry. Emma appreciated that. Sometimes, she just didn’t want to talk about what was going on in her life. However, this was not one of those times.

 

As she watched them start to drive again, traffic light and moving at a decent pace, she filled Guinevere in. She told her about how easily Henry and Regina got along, about their trip on the commuter boat and all the pictures Henry had taken of the buildings when they went to see a few close up the next day. She laughed through a story of Regina showing Henry how to ice skate. She even told her about how Henry and Regina had spoken to each other every day since they returned, something that had surprised Emma. She had known Regina wanted to video chat with him, but on Sunday they had stayed online together most of the day, doing random tasks while the other was in the background. Emma had even popped in to say hi once, surprised to be inside of a kitchen as Regina baked instead of in an office like she had imagined Regina might be.

 

“Sounds like those two really hit it off,” Guinevere said with a warm smile, glancing over to Emma.

 

Emma nodded happily. “They did. When we get back, I’ll show you pictures.”

 

She wasn’t one of those parents always ready to show someone pictures of her kid, _but,_ at the same time, she was one of those parents always ready to show someone pictures of her kid. At least she wasn’t the kind of mom who went on and on about her child when talking to strangers. When it came to sharing his accomplishments and pictures, she only did so with her close friends. They were practically family to her, anyway, and Henry had always been such a cute and intelligent kid. Who would protest?

 

“I’ll finally get to put a face to the woman who’s been holding your heart captive for years,” the brunette behind the wheel said with a small, airy laugh. “Speaking of...”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“How did things go between the two of you? You’ve spoken plenty about Henry, but you haven’t said much about yourself outside of being happy for him. How was the trip for you? Did you two talk?”

 

“I had a lot of fun in Boston,” she said without hesitation. “No New York, but I could definitely see Henry and I settling down there. That was another good thing about the trip. It was like we got to take the city for a test drive and see what we thought. Regina showed us around a few tourist spots, but we saw a lot more than that. She, um, even brought us to the library near where she lives. I was shocked she remembered how much I love libraries.”

 

“You nerd. Was that the highlight of your trip?” she asked with a teasing smile.

 

“One of many,” she admitted. “I know it’s not really a big thing, but–”

 

“I’m kidding, Emma. I think it’s lovely that she brought you to a library. It shows that she still remembers what’s important to you. She could have just as easily decided to show you, I don’t know, the town’s famous spoon collection.”

 

A boisterous laugh sprang out of Emma’s mouth as she looked at Guinevere with a mixture of confusion and amusement. “W-what?” she spluttered, bewildered by the oddness. “A famous spoon collection?”

 

As a light blush took over Guinevere’s tan skin, she shook her head and laughed as well. “I don’t know. I couldn’t think of anything. My point was, she knew you would like the library and chose to bring you there because of that.”

 

“Yeah,” Emma said, straightening out in her seat.

 

“Okay. So, that’s how Boston was, but what about everything else?”

 

“Everything else,” she repeated. Where to begin? “Well. Hmm. It was more than I expected, honestly.”

 

“Really?” The intrigue in Guinevere’s voice was growing as they stopped at a light and she briefly looked in Emma’s direction, smiling. “That means it went well, right? Come on. I need a little more than ‘it was more than I expected’, Emma.”

 

She shook her head, amused by how excited Guinevere was about the possibility of her and Regina working things out. Despite the fact that Emma had spoken about Regina many times in the past, rarely ever by name, usually without giving away just how close they had been, she had always been the person Emma had left behind in another life. Emma could see how Regina reentering her life and Emma wanting to actually discuss it could be somewhat exciting to the woman who so rarely got to hear Emma speak about anyone the way she spoke about Regina. It was new and there was hope that Emma just didn’t let show any other time.

 

Her hands smoothed down her pants and she took and released a lengthy breath. “She has a kid,” Emma started off with, wanting to get the worst of it out first. She peeked out the corner of her eye for a reaction, but Guinevere didn’t visibly react. “We didn’t talk about that, or the man she’s with. The kid is his, I think. Well, I mean... I don’t think Regina gave birth to the little boy – not that that makes him any less hers or anything. I mean, giving birth isn’t the only way to become a mother. Just like giving birth doesn’t automatically make you a mother, you know? Just...”

 

“I understand, Emma.”

 

Emma bit her cheek. She didn’t know why she had felt like she needed to mention that Regina might not biologically be related to Roland. It wasn’t like she thought that made her any less of a parent. She wasn’t biologically related to Henry, but that didn’t change that she was Henry’s other mother. As a person who had never had a biological parent stay in her life but had been lucky enough a few times to end up in homes that weren’t terrible, where there were parents that actually cared, she strongly believed that wanting to be there for a child and treating them well, with love and care, was what made a parent. Everything else was just biology.

 

“I kinda knew there was someone in her life. I just didn’t think, I don’t know, it was going to be a someone and a kid. That was surprising – but it also helped me realize how terrible of an idea just showing up like that was. I was convinced I thought it through, but I didn’t.”

 

“You thought about what you wanted, but perhaps not enough about what Regina might want,” Guinevere said, gentle but honest.

 

“Bad habit, apparently. I need to be more conscious of that,” she admitted. It wasn’t like her. She wasn’t normally the kind of person to put her own needs before someone else’s. But she did notice that she sometimes forgot to consider all the ways that her actions affected other people. She was quick to do what she thought would work out best for everyone, but she didn’t notice as quickly that she was sometimes unaware of all the knowledge needed to make decisions like that.

 

“We all have a few of those. All we can do is work on getting rid of them once we acknowledge they exist.” They turned down the block and drove in silence for a moment, almost at their destination. “So your original plan was a bust, clearly, but you sound like you enjoyed your time with her.”

 

Emma nodded, looking down at her phone and thinking about Regina. She wondered what she was up to, if she was in a meeting or sitting at her desk, if the day had been busy for her. She sighed a little. “We’ve decided to work on our friendship, and I’ve decided to work on diminishing my attraction.”

 

“How do you see that happening?” she asked.

 

Sometimes Emma forgot talking to people about what was going on in their life and helping them make plans to move to the next stage of their journey was what her friend did for a living. However, when questions like the one she had just asked came up, Emma could clearly see her working with one of the young adults that came in to see her. Emma would easily admit that Guinevere was, even when she pulled out the shrink talk, one of the easiest people to talk to. She never failed to make it feel like a safe place to have an honest discussion, even when they were just two friends and co-workers driving back to the office at the end of the day.

 

She let out a hefty breath in response to the question asked. “I don’t know. It’s not like she doesn’t know how I feel about her. It’s not something I need to hide, I guess. I just have to make sure I don’t make decisions based on how I feel. I need to think with my head and not my heart – rational and not emotional.”

 

“Rational, not emotional.”

 

Emma smiled a little. “It’s something Regina used to say. Decisions needed to be made with her head and not her heart.”

 

“And that worked well for her?”

 

Emma shrugged. “Can’t say for sure. Every time she said she was making logical or rational decisions, her heart was in it as well. She has the kind of heart that can’t be left out, though, you know?”

 

The car pulled into an empty space a few buildings down from their own. Once they were parked, Emma received a response in the form of a thoughtful hum. “Perhaps you don’t need to make logical decisions, just smart ones.”

 

“Smart ones?” Emma asked with a raised brow, unbuckling her seatbelt but not moving to leave the car yet.

 

Guinevere tucked a few curls behind her ear and nodded. “You love this woman, Emma. I’m assuming, since you said the two of you wish to work on having a friendship, she’s someone you plan on keeping in your and Henry’s life. Your heart is already involved. You don’t need to take it out of the picture, just be aware that yours isn’t the only one that is affected by what happens. You wouldn’t do anything that would intentionally hurt Henry or Regina.”

 

“Of course not,” Emma said immediately.

 

She smiled, placing her hand on Emma’s arm for a second or two as she nodded. “As long as you remember that there are three of you, and all three of you may have different desires and hopes that are just as valid as the other’s, you should be fine. Your heart won’t steer you wrong. Trust it. Listen to it. It’s thinking with other parts of your anatomy that you should be staying away from,” she said, ending with a little smirk as Emma rolled her eyes. “Now–”

 

“Forty more minutes, and then we are free for the day,” she said, letting out a soft breath as Guinevere rolled her shoulders and made a sound of relief. Emma twisted in her seat and reached back for the tote bag they needed to bring inside with them.

 

They left the car once they had everything they needed, the sun still high and beaming in the sky. Guinevere looked up towards it, squinting her eyes as she soaked up its rays. “I can’t believe you want to leave this behind for snowy days and temperatures that are below freezing.”

 

Emma pushed her sunglasses down to her nose from the top of her head and looked up as well. “Perpetual sunshine isn’t everything. It’s nice, but...” she trailed off, picturing an image of Boston, ice skating, Henry’s hands in her own and Regina’s. “Boston has a lot to offer as well.”

 

Bumping her shoulder into Emma’s, her friend said: “Perhaps, but it seems to me that what you want isn’t what Boston has to offer. It’s _who’s_ in Boston that you miss. That’s the pull you feel, not a need to leave Florida, just a longing for a part of your life before you came here that you want back.”

 

The truth in Guinevere’s words made Emma sigh. She did miss Regina. She missed a lot about the North East, too, but she, in the moments when she allowed herself to be completely honest, knew that her main reason for wanting to move to Boston, now that she knew Regina wanted a part in her and Henry’s life too, was the brunette herself. She could live in boring Idaho for all she cared. She just wanted her family to feel complete again.

 

“Come on. You still have a trip to fill me in on, and I need to bring the lunch I picked up to Lance before it gets cold.”

 

Emma nodded and started walking. “Did I tell you about movie night?”

 

“No, I don’t think you did.”

 

“Okay, well...”

 

* * *

 

Later, when Emma stood outside of Mary Margaret’s front door, she thought about what Guinevere had said about making smart decisions. She didn’t have to learn how to bury everything she felt for Regina. She only needed to make sure she wasn’t making the kind of decisions that had her buying plane tickets and making unannounced visits. It had worked out well for her the last time she did that, but she knew her impulsive tendencies could lead to disastrous situations just as easily. Smart decisions, she mentally agreed. From that moment on, she would make smart decisions when it came to Regina – not purely logical, not while avoiding her emotions, but the kind of decisions made with both her head and her heart.

 

The lock being turned and clicking brought Emma back to the present. Mary Margaret beamed when she opened the door, leading with her round belly as she greeted Emma with a sudden hug that caught the blonde by surprise. Emma didn’t question if it was the pregnancy hormones or Mary Margaret’s need to make people feel welcomed, but the hugs that had always been abundant were given often and without any warning, sometimes in the middle of stores when they went out together, and apparently as soon as Emma arrived to pick up Henry.

 

“Hey, it’s good to see you, too.” She laughed good-naturedly, returning the hug and gently guiding the other woman back into her house.

 

Mary Margaret released Emma from her embrace. “How was your day? I just finished making fruit punch. Help yourself to some, if you like,” she said, all of her words seeming to rush out in one breath. The front door was closed and then the brunette followed Emma into the open kitchen.

 

“Day was fine, easy.” Emma dropped a bag on the bar and went into the fridge to get some of the fruit punch, not thirsty but knowing she would be offered a glass at least four more times before she left if she didn’t go ahead and pour herself some. “Your wings are there. Some asshole blocked me in in the parking lot, so they may not be hot anymore.”

 

“Oh, you angel, thank you,” she gushed, opening the styrofoam and aluminum foil quickly.

 

She’d been craving spicy food during her pregnancy, and since Mary Margaret refused to take money from Emma, Emma found other small ways to repay her for letting Henry hang out at the house until she got off from work. Bringing her food when she was having cravings was the least she could do, Emma thought. Mary Margaret had done plenty for her, and Emma felt like she would never truly be able to give back enough to thank her.

 

Emma brought her glass with her to the edge of the kitchen, used to Henry being downstairs when she got there but not seeing him in his usual spot. “Where’s Henry?” she questioned, one hand in her back pocket while she took a sip of the punch. It was a little too sweet, but she held back her grimace and took a large mouthful.

 

“Old room,” she mumbled against the wing she was biting, sauce on her lips and fingertips. Her cheeks were already glowing with pleasure, and Emma would laugh if she didn’t think Mary Margaret might be a little embarrassed by it. “He wanted to take a nap, said something about a pasta date tonight.”

 

Emma nodded as she walked back into the kitchen, leaning against the bar. “With Regina.”

 

“Oh?”

 

She shrugged her shoulder a little. “She’s giving him cooking lessons. He’s learning how to make something with her for the first time tonight. We actually need to go grocery shopping. He gave me a list.”

 

“She’s teaching him to cook online?” She licked her lips and reached for a paper towel. “He told me that he’s been talking to her. He didn’t mention cooking lessons, though. Sounds like it might be a little difficult, but the fact that she’s doing that–”

 

“It’s really sweet,” Emma said, smiling a little. “She doesn’t want to let the distance get in the way. When he was younger, they used to bake together a lot. I think they’re picking up some of their old bonding activities and seeing what they still like to do. Besides, he’s gotta learn from someone, and I’m still in a very slow learning process of my own.”

 

“You should join them,” Mary Margaret said without hesitation, smiling like it was the best idea she had ever come up with. “It can be a family bonding exercise, and you can learn a thing or two as well.”

 

Emma smiled at the thought, but she shook her head. “I don’t want to intrude. I want them to have time together. I feel like I’ve already taken away so much of that from them–”

 

“It’s not up to me, of course, but I think it could be good for all of you.”

 

“Maybe one day,” she said. She heard footsteps coming from behind her and smiled when Henry came yawning into the room. “Hey, sleepyhead.”

 

He yawned again, his entire face scrunching up as he moved to the stool Emma was standing next to. He bumped into her arm and laid his head on her for a moment, a silent greeting as his heavy eyelids nearly fell shut. “We can’t stay too long today, remember?”

 

Emma nodded, sliding her fruit punch over to Henry. “I remember. Drink that and let the sugar wake you up, then we can go pick up the ingredients you need.”

 

Henry blinked at the glass, giving it a strange look. He yawned again, making both women in the room yawn as well, and then picked up the punch and finished the glass with four loud swallows. His nose scrunched up a little and he shook his head at Mary Margaret. “Too sweet,” he told her.

 

Emma elbowed him lightly, but Mary Margaret waved her hand at Emma. “At least one of you is honest,” she said, rolling her eyes and going to the fridge to take out the pitcher and a jug of water. “Thank you, Henry. I wasn’t sure myself. Everything has been sort of muted later.”

 

“Maybe it’s all the hot wings. They’re burning your taste buds off.”

 

Mary Margaret looked horrified and moved her wings away from Emma, as though she had told her she was going to get rid of them. “That is unlikely. It’s new. I don’t recall reading anything about it in any of the books, but it could be pregnancy related.”

 

Emma shrugged, looking down to her friend’s stomach with a small smile. She couldn’t believe it was finally happening. Mary Margaret and David had tried for two years after they moved down to Florida, but she had eventually went back to working with children after being discouraged time and time again. They had tried all those times, but when Mary Margaret found out she was pregnant, it had come as a complete surprise to her because they had stopped actively trying. Emma was happy for them, couldn’t wait until there was a baby around again. She didn’t know how long she would be around herself, but she was looking forward to their self-made, mixed up family expanding.

 

Checking the time, she stood up and stretched her back. “You about ready to go, kid?”

 

Henry nodded eagerly. “Yeah. Let me just get my stuff.”

 

Mary Margaret waited for him to disappear out of sight before she looked at Emma. “Run it by Regina and see what she thinks. Maybe not every time they cook together, but sometimes. He has you both in his life again, but you need something that really brings you all together. It could be that.” She gave Emma a hopeful smile. “Think about it.”

 

Emma returned the smile and moved around the bar, did something she normally wouldn’t and gave Mary Margaret a hug without needing prompting. “I’ll think about it,” she said, appreciating the suggestion and how much Mary Margaret always wanted to help however she could, even in the small ways.

 

“Ready?” Henry asked, springing into the room.

 

“Ready.”

 

* * *

 

In their building elevator, Emma used the toe of her shoe to bump into Henry’s foot. “You excited?” she asked, grocery bags in their hands.

 

“Totally. We’re going to watch half of a jellyfish documentary while the food is in the oven, and then finish as much of it as we can while we eat,” he said with a large grin growing across his cheeks.

 

“Jellyfish documentary, huh? You two sure do know how to have a good time,” she joked, laughing alone because Henry was shaking his head, clearly not finding her humorous.

 

“Mom said you could watch with us if you want. She didn’t think you would, but I thought you might want to.” He shrugged, looking a little disappointed.

 

Emma’s laughter died immediately and she gave his shoulder a squeeze, ushering him out of the elevator when the doors opened to their floor. “Documentaries have never been my thing, but you know I wouldn’t turn down time with you, Henry.” She smiled as she looked down at him briefly while they walked down the hall to their door.

 

Henry nodded and twisted his lips together as he took the keys from Emma so he could let them in. “If you don’t want to, though, I understand.”

 

“You’re very understanding, kid,” she said, lightly bumping into him with her hip. “If you wanna not be understanding sometimes, you know, because you’re looking forward to something and you feel let down or whatever, that’s cool too, okay?”

 

He nodded at her again, opening the door. “But I do understand. We still have our Marvel marathons, so it’s all right.”

 

Emma took the groceries from Henry after they locked the door. She brought them to the kitchen as he went to retrieve the laptop. She laid everything out on the counter for him and then got her phone out of her pocket, about to send Regina a text message to ask her if she was really okay with sharing her time with Henry with Emma as well. However, Henry came rushing in with his opened laptop, Skype already up, and she ended up being face to face with Regina, both of them just as surprised as the other when Henry ran off, saying he had to go to the bathroom.

 

Emma looked over her shoulder and watched him rush away, wondering why he had even gone ahead and called Regina if he wasn’t ready. She shrugged her shoulders lightly and turned to look at Regina, smiling at the screen. Regina was wearing an apron and had her counter lined with food and seasonings just like Emma had done for Henry.

 

“Hey,” Emma said, taking off her jacket and tossing it into the living room. It missed the sofa and fell to the floor.

 

Regina shook her head disapprovingly, but she replied with her own, “Hey.”

 

And that was it. They said no more. When Henry returned, he found them almost exactly how he had left them, Regina and Emma smiling at each other but not saying a thing. He looked almost disappointed, but he sighed and shook his head, mumbling something under his breath, pushing Emma out of the kitchen and telling her not to come back unless she was going to help.

 

Emma watched from the entryway, finding reasons to jump in from time to time but not staying. She wanted them to have their time together, and if Regina had seriously wanted her to join them like Henry did, then there was always next time.

 


	36. Chapter 36

**April 2017**

 

Emma had given up on falling asleep long ago. Not only was there too much going on in her head, there were only a couple of hours left in the night before the sun would be making its appearance in the sky. She would soon need to get out of bed so she could get ready for work. Accepting that she would not be getting any sleep, she had attempted to work through the thoughts that were keeping her awake. If she couldn’t sleep, she could at least clear her mind so the day could begin with a fresh slate. Her attempt to clear her mind, however, had only given her more to think about.

 

Her thoughts appeared random, images moving through her mind aimlessly. She knew that random thoughts weren’t always as they appeared, though. One of the little boy with the messy brown hair from Boston, the one who had clung to Regina’s leg at the doorway, popped into her head. Despite appearing random among the sea of thoughts that were responsible for her being awake, she soon knew that it wasn’t.

 

She believed his name was Roland, but she couldn’t quite say for sure. The image that was in her thoughts was one of only two she had of him, the other from just a few moments later. It was perhaps why she wasn’t even certain she had gotten his name correct. In the last six weeks, she hadn’t seen even a glimpse of the child, hadn’t heard Regina speak of him. It wouldn’t have been odd if it weren’t for the fact that Regina, despite distance, was practically with Emma and Henry whenever they had free time. Whether they were using Skype to communicate with each other or on the phone, the three of them were becoming undeniably close. And yet, Emma couldn’t say she knew a thing about the kid.

 

It was strange because Emma had initially believed the boy was Regina’s son, or at least a child she was close to. She had clearly been mistaken, that much was clear. That made her wonder what else she had incorrectly assumed about Regina’s life. It wasn’t surprising where her mind went next, not after her previous train of thought.

 

She recalled Robin, the man who had known her name and had an unexplained dislike of her, the one she couldn’t have picked out in a lineup even if she wanted to. When she first saw him in Boston, she had immediately connected him to the night she had first called Regina in February and it sounded as though Regina was trying to hide that she was on the phone. There had been an obvious tension between him and Regina that day, like they were in the middle of a fight that she had interrupted with her unannounced visit. Something about him had felt off, but she couldn’t quite figure out what it was.

 

She remained uncertain, but Emma still remembered how Regina looked exhausted and annoyed, how she had looked like she had wished he would be anywhere else when he came outside. She had assumed it was because she wanted to deal with Emma, but maybe it had nothing to do with her – at least nothing to do with her showing up. Him knowing who she was had to mean something. Emma just didn’t know what.

 

As she had with Roland, she tried to remember Regina mentioning him. She couldn’t. She had believed they lived together, were a couple, and yet Emma had virtually been all over Regina’s house and had never seen him. There didn’t appear to be any signs of his existence anywhere in Regina’s home. There weren’t any photographs, no clothes laying around that looked as though they might belong to Robin, nothing. Emma had assumed they were Regina’s family, and yet there hadn’t been any sign of either of the two since that day.

 

She hadn’t given it much thought at the time, but now the fact that Regina had spent every day, from morning to night, with them in Boston felt significant. On their last night there, when Regina had stayed at the hotel for movie night, Emma had caught her watching Henry sleep between them on the bed they had all been in. She had been looking at him with that tender look on her face, the one that made Emma’s heart feel warm and full, and Emma thought she might like having a little more time with him before they had to leave early the next morning. So, Emma had suggested she stay, not even thinking that there might be somewhere Regina needed to be.

 

Although Regina had hesitated when Emma offered to take Henry’s bed and let the two of them share hers, she had accepted, and she had done so without calling home or sending a text message to say she wouldn’t be back until morning. Looking back at that now, she could see how telling it was. Regina and Emma didn’t even live in the same state and she knew when Regina was stuck in traffic before work, and that was something that had no effect on Emma. Not calling home had to have meant there was nobody there for her to call.

 

That wasn’t all. Her mind continued taking the unexpected trip that was revealing many small details she had previously overlooked. Everything started piling up, signs that she hadn’t seen before, things that had been said that she brushed over. How many times had Regina tried telling her that things weren’t as they seemed? She had never explained, and Emma had never questioned what she meant. She had decided to just leave it all alone and move forward. But what if that had been a mistake? What if all the times Regina had said it was complicated, had looked like she wanted to say something but never did, meant more than Emma had initially believed?

 

Her thoughts were soon a jumbled mess, a clean slate to start her day off with now a laughable idea. She started questioning everything she had thought she knew, everything she had decided to just accept so they could move on from the past. Regina had said something to her the month before, but it wasn’t until her thoughts were rushing and she was dizzy from it all that she wondered what it meant. She had told her there was no lack of desire between them, and she had believed she meant that they both wanted to have their friendship back. But now, now she wasn’t so sure. Had Regina meant more than that? Had Regina accepted they would just be friends when she, just as Emma had, wanted more?

 

Emma couldn’t stop questioning it, couldn’t stop wondering what everything meant.

 

* * *

 

“Look at you, actually hard at work for once. I should take a picture and frame it,” Lance said to Emma as he entered the staff room.

 

Emma glared up from the request form she was filling out. “I’m not in the mood,” she warned. She had a pile of paperwork she needed to complete before she could leave, a headache that had been bothering her all day, and there was a lot on her mind that she had to keep forcing back because she couldn’t deal with any of it while she still had work to finish.

 

He straightened up quickly, holding his hands up to show he would back off. He joked a lot with her, but he was always one of the first to be concerned if something was going on with her. He was like the big brother she never had. He was annoying as hell and loved getting on her nerves, but he had a soft spot for her as well, had always been there when she needed him.

 

He pulled out a chair at the round table she was at and sat down, dropping a single manila folder next to her stack of forms and charts. “Maybe that’ll make you feel better,” he said, leaning back in his chair and nodding his head towards the folder, signaling for her to take a look.

 

Emma dropped her pen and gave him a curious look. “Is this the letter of recommendation you said you would write me two weeks ago?”

 

He gestured with his head again. “Open it and see for yourself.”

 

She rolled her eyes a little at him as she reached for the folder and then opened it in front of her. A small smile started to form, words of gratitude on the tip of her tongue when she saw the letterhead and quickly scanned the page. However, a confused expression took over her features instead as she noticed there was more beneath it and she flipped through the pages of what turned out to be a job application. Her brow furrowed as she read the front page.

 

“This is an application for an assistant director position over in Miami,” she said, continuing to read through the job description and requirements, her confusion only growing.

 

“Yep,” he said, the end of the word popping in the air. He was smiling; she could tell without turning to look at him. “A buddy of mine works at the center over there, mentioned they were looking for someone, and I immediately thought of you.”

 

“Why?” Emma asked, finally looking away from the application and shutting the folder. “Even if I wasn’t planning on moving out of the state, which you know I am, I’m not even qualified for the position. I mean, thanks, but...”

 

“Gimme that.” Lance motioned to the folder.

 

Emma passed it over to him and picked up her pen. She still needed to finish filling out the forms for the end of the week, and she really didn’t want to stay a minute over her usual leaving time.

 

“How do you figure you’re not qualified?” He cleared his throat. “Let’s see. The ability to work independently – you’re doing that right now. Clear and concise verbal and written communication skills – we can never get you to shut up,” he said with a little laugh, swatting her hand away with the folder when she reached over to punch him in the arm. “Seriously, though. You’ve been doing outreach with Guin for how many years now?”

 

Emma sighed and leaned back in her chair, realizing there was no way she would be getting her work finished if he kept talking, and he wouldn’t stop if she didn’t give him the attention he wanted. “Six years, I guess. I don’t know. That’s the basics, though. Yeah, I fit the type of person they say they want, but I don’t have a Bachelor’s degree. I don’t–”

 

“You have your Associate’s, eight years of experience here, and years of personal experience. Believe it or not, in this field, that counts for a lot. You’ve seen first hand how these kids are more likely to open up to someone who understands what it’s like out there.” He put down the folder and looked at her, serious. “Look, it’s a great opportunity. You already do half this stuff here without the salary increase. It’s only an extra ten minutes away from your place. And, right now you’re the only person who knows about the opening – but that will change by the middle of next week.”

 

“I...” She looked down at the application, too much going on in her head as Lance’s words filtered in. “It does sound like a good opportunity,” she agreed. She had thought the same thing as she read the job description. She did a lot more at her current position than she had when she first started, but she had never seen a pay raise, or even a title change. She loved what she did, but she wanted more. She felt like she could handle more. “But,” she added, shaking her head, “this isn’t what I had in mind when I decided to start new.”

 

“I know,” he said, getting up from his chair and moving the folder over to her. “It’s something to think about, though. I’m not going to tell you what to do.”

 

She rolled her eyes as she looked at him. “You totally are. I can hear it in your voice.”

 

He chuckled deeply. “I’m not. You have options, and I just want you to know that this is one of them. I know you’ve been thinking about Boston and New York.”

 

“Just Boston,” she told him, a recent decision that she hadn’t shared with anybody. “There’s nothing for me in New York, nothing worth leaving here for.”

 

He didn’t seem surprised. He nodded. “Boston has something that’s worth leaving for,” he said with a smile. “I know that, too.”

 

“Guinevere?”

 

He shook his head. “You. First, it was your impromptu trip there. I thought that maybe you had found something, a job or something. Henry gave you up, though, and I found out it was actually a woman. Then, it was the texting. We went out for drinks the other night and you were on your phone the whole time. You wanna call me out for always looking like a lovesick teenager, but you couldn’t even hide that you were sneaking your phone under the table because you were grinning every time you looked down at it.”

 

Emma’s cheeks warmed and she looked away from him. “To be fair, I didn’t want to be dragged out for drinks, anyway. I told you guys I had plans.”

 

“Yeah, with the mysterious woman in Boston who is making you go all soft,” he said with a small chuckle. “We let you be, though. I almost snatched that phone out of your hand–”

 

Emma scoffed. “You wouldn’t dare. I’d have you on the floor, begging for mercy before you could even get your hands on it.” He was a strong man, but Emma could take him. They used to kickbox together a few years back, and although he had stopped, Emma still went a few rounds in the ring from time to time when she needed to release some stress.

 

“Alright, alright. We don’t need to bring your violent streak into it.” He laughed and then got serious, pulling his hands out of the pockets of his dress pants. “Don’t automatically dismiss the job because of its location. That’s all I’m saying to you. It’s your life, not mine, so I can only be a good friend and support your decision. I just want to see you succeed, kiddo. You deserve that,” he said, pointing to the job, “or whatever success looks like to you.”

 

She smiled and took the application from the folder and put it in front of her. “I’ll look it over. Okay?” He gave her a single nod. She leaned her arms on the table and let out a heavy breath, feeling overwhelmed by everything but also grateful for the friends she had. “Even if I don’t do more than just look it over, it means a lot to me that you think this is something I could do. Thanks, man.”  

 

He nodded, and then, as he started walking out, he said: “Yep, definitely going soft on me.”

 

She laughed and rolled her eyes, watching him disappear before huffing out a breath and looking down at the job application. “Assistant director,” she said to herself, and then she puffed out another heavy breath.

 

* * *

 

Emma had picked Henry up and then driven them down to the beach, deciding they needed to sit down and discuss some things. They grabbed smoothies and walked down the boardwalk, the sun beaming proudly and the sound of waves crashing into the shore in the distance. Henry had called Regina to let her know they were going for a walk, and then they had decided to have dinner together later on in the evening when Emma and Henry were home. Skype was turning out to be a blessing for them.

 

Approaching a bench, Emma steered Henry with a hand on his shoulder as she cleared her throat. “Let’s sit,” she said, and they both moved to the bench and sat cross-legged.

 

Henry smiled at her, the wind gently blowing through the hair that was falling over his forehead. “We haven’t done this in awhile,” he said, turning to look towards the ocean while drinking from his straw.

 

Emma hummed, leaning her arm on the back of the bench and watching the waves just like he was. “We haven’t,” she agreed. “We should come out here more often. Maybe we can have a beach day next weekend. How’s that sound?”

 

“Really?” he asked, already excited.

 

Emma smiled widely as she nodded. “Yeah. It could just be me, you, and the sun.”

 

“I’d like that.” He gave her a serious look after smiling at the idea, squinting his eyes like he was trying to read her. “You’ve got bad news, don’t you?”

 

Emma’s eyebrow arched. “What? No. Why would I have bad news?”

 

He shrugged, but he continued searching her face. “Something’s weird. These are ‘we need to talk’ smoothies, but everything’s been good lately. Hasn’t it?”

 

Emma’s head moved up and down easily. The last month had been a really good one for them, especially Henry. He was finishing up his school year, getting perfect grades – as always – and there was a strong chance he would be valedictorian. She was proud of him, as was Regina, who had been helping him write his speech, insisting it wasn’t when Emma told her it was bad luck to write it before everything was official.

 

“I don’t have bad news. I do want to talk to you. It’s not anything bad, though. Promise.”

 

“Okay,” he accepted. He looked at her like he was waiting for her to unload everything all at once, but when Emma only smiled at him, he relaxed and smiled back. “What do you wanna talk about?”

 

All the way to Mary Margaret’s house, she had thought about the job application tucked into her bag. She knew that if Boston – Regina – wasn’t something she had her mind set on, she wouldn’t even be questioning whether she wanted the job or not. It gave her the extra responsibilities she wanted, didn’t require a relocation, and a bump in her salary was never a bad thing. She would miss working with her friends, but she wanted to move up, and it wasn’t as though they wouldn’t still be in her life if she left the center. It was an opportunity she knew she shouldn’t turn her back on.

 

Emma put her smoothie on the bench between them and rubbed her hands over her knees. Whether she filled out the application and was chosen for the job or they ended up going to Boston, whichever decision she made would change Henry’s life as well. She thought it was only fair if she spoke to him about it. He already knew that she had been searching for a job in New York earlier in the year, but they had never really talked about moving. She didn’t know how he felt about it, if he would hate leaving the home that had been a constant part of his life for six years. She felt it was important to ask. If she were him, she would want someone to ask her.

 

“You’re graduating next month and leaving your school,” she said, watching him nod. She pulled her sunglasses off and tilted her head towards Henry. “A lot is going to be changing soon. You’re going to be going to a new school. You’re going to be making new friends. Life’s going to be a little different.”

 

“Is this about me turning eleven?” he asked her. “You know, I can’t stay a little kid forever, Ma.”

 

She laughed and shook her head. “No, kid, that’s not what this is about.”

 

“Oh. Then?” Henry finished his smoothie with one long pull from his straw, eyeing her curiously.

 

Emma bit the corner of her lip before she responded. “Moving. Right now it’s just a possibility,” she quickly told him, “but, I don’t know, I thought you might want to give me your opinion on it. Do you want to? Does starting over somewhere new sound scary to you? What do you think about leaving here?”

 

Henry seemed to consider his answer carefully, as he usually did. His lips pinched together and he hummed, looking off into the distance for a moment. “Would we come back to visit if we moved?”

 

“Of course. We’ve got people here that we’ll still want to see, so, yeah.”

 

“Family,” Henry corrected, turning to look her in the eye. “Our family is here.”

 

Emma sighed a little as she nodded, a small twist in her chest as the word floated around her. “Our family,” she repeated, thinking about the two years they lived with Mary Margaret and David, the holiday dinners they’d had with Guinevere and Lance, the family outings they had all been a part of. “We’ll come back to visit, and they would all be welcomed at our new place if we were to move.”

 

He nodded, looking away again, this time as he spoke. “I guess I wouldn’t mind moving if we don’t go too far. I’d miss it here, though. Even if we visit, I’d miss my friends and family. It was cool seeing somewhere else when we went away for spring break, but I don’t know if I would like it as much living somewhere different.” He twisted his lips together and peeked out the corner of his eye.

 

Emma ruffled his hair and nodded, uncrossing her legs and picking up her smoothie. She moved over to him, arms bumping into each other. “I used to hate moving,” she told him honestly, looking at him until he looked away. She turned and watched the waves with him. “I did it too much, though, and I never had any say. So, I get it.”

 

“Is that why you’re asking me?”

 

Emma hummed in response. “You gotta live there, too. Ultimately, yeah, I gotta make the big decisions for us. But, you know, I wanna know what you think and want so I can take it into consideration.”

 

“I’m not saying I don’t wanna move, just that I would miss our life here. Everything we know is here.”

 

“Okay,” she said simply, feeling the same way. It was why she no longer wanted to go to New York, why the only reason she felt like there was something in Boston for them was because of Regina. “Like I said, it’s just a possibility. Nothing has been decided yet.”

 

“Okay.”

 

For a few minutes, they sat together on the bench, watching the waves as they grew larger and rushed towards the shore. She had forgotten how relaxing it was, how calming it could be to just sit and let life happen around her without needing to participate. Her thoughts were even settling, quieting when they had been incredibly loud all day.

 

Emma wondered if his opinion on moving would change any if he knew where she wanted to go. She glanced out the corner of her eye, but he was still looking off into the distance. She didn’t want to give him false hope, didn’t want him to think moving to Boston would do more than take away the distance that was between the two of them and Regina.

 

Even though Emma had been wondering what more there could be for them, for her and Regina, she honestly didn’t know what living in Boston would be like. Would Regina still be available for dinners and movie nights? Would she come over? Would Henry get to spend the night at her place? Would he get a room there? There were a lot of uncertainties, and she didn’t want Henry to get too hopeful. So she didn’t mention Boston, but she knew being closer to Regina would make him happy. It would make her happy as well.

 

* * *

 

Emma’s phone vibrated against her thigh, and when she looked down at it and saw Regina’s name on the screen, she raised her eyes and looked at the laptop. They were on Skype after finishing dinner, Henry beside her on the sofa, the laptop in front of them as they watched a movie on the TV. Regina had never sent her a text message while they were on Skype. It was like texting her while they were in the same room. Emma questioned her silently, but Regina only gestured with her head, presumably in the direction of Emma’s phone. She picked up the phone and opened the text message. It only asked if she was okay, so she nodded her head and gave Regina a small smile.

 

“Liar,” Regina mouthed, but she smiled a little too and continued looking at Emma instead of watching the movie.

 

She had a lot on her mind, and she couldn’t simplify any of it for a text message. She had questions she wanted to ask Regina – about Robin, about them, about Boston – and she had been distracted by them all evening. She was also thinking about the job as well, wondering if she really had a chance. She was wondering if they would overlook that she didn’t have her Bachelor’s degree, if she really had enough experience to make up for that. She was wondering if the work she had done at the center was considered impressive enough, if she had enough accomplishments to make up for what she lacked.

 

Her phone vibrated again. ‘Let’s talk tonight,’ the text message read, and Emma nodded as she looked at Regina, knowing it was exactly what she needed.


	37. Chapter 37

**April 2017**

 

The moon was nearly full as it glowed in the dark sky, whispers of clouds like white smoke surrounding it. Emma stood at the window, her arm and head leaning against the wall as she traced it with her eyes. She was waiting for Regina to call her, a small glass of whiskey in her hand to calm down the nerves that were turning her stomach into a tangled mess. There was a lot she needed to say, a lot she thought they needed to talk about, and she was trying to straighten it all out in her head before Regina finished with the shower she had gone to take after they had ended their Skype call.

 

Before anything, she knew she wanted to clear up Regina’s relationship with Robin. She wanted everything involving him laid out on the table, and then hopefully brushed away when he became irrelevant. Something told Emma he already was, though.

 

She swirled her whiskey around and brought the tumbler up to her mouth, finishing the small amount of alcohol in it. She had only poured herself enough to help her relax, and she could feel a little of her tension dissipating as she moved away from the window and walked over to her bed. She placed the empty glass on the nightstand and then sat down on the edge of the bed, flipping her phone back and forth in her hands while waiting for it to ring.

 

She didn’t have to wait long. A few minutes after she had sat down, the device started vibrating. She accepted the call immediately, heart feeling as though it was caught in her throat. “Hello,” she answered, shutting her eyes when she noticed how breathless she sounded.

 

“Hi,” Regina replied in a soft voice that made Emma sigh and fall back against her bed. Regina released a breath of her own. “How’s everything going? You looked like you needed to talk.”

 

Emma nodded to her empty room. “Yeah, I did. I do. I...” She huffed and rolled over onto her stomach, pulling a pillow down from the top of the bed. She used it to prop her head up. “There’s a lot,” she admitted, “and I don’t really know where to begin.”

 

“It normally is with you,” Regina said with an audible smile. It helped ease a little more of Emma’s nerves. “Is there anything I should be worried about? You’re not–”

 

“No, nothing to worry about,” she assured her. “It’s just a lot of thinking and maybe realizing something that might, I don’t know, maybe, hopefully, make an important difference.”

 

Regina hummed slowly. “That sounds...” She cleared her throat and the sound of her moving around filtered through the phone. “It sounds as though whatever is on your mind might be a good thing, then,” she said, a hint of confusion in her voice. “Is that not the case?”

 

“Honestly, I don’t know. I don’t want to assume more than I already have,” she admitted. “If I’m right about everything, it could, erm, change things.”

 

“Oh,” Regina breathed out. “Well–”

 

“It’s about you,” she blurted out, cutting Regina off. “I wanna know what you meant when you said things were complicated before, before Henry and I went to Boston,” rushed out of her mouth next. “I’ve been thinking about it since three o’clock in the morning, and I’m really trying not to think too much about all the signs I’ve noticed, but, like, you’ve never even spoken about Robin since we’ve started talking again, and, I don’t know, maybe, you know...” She breathed out a rough breath and buried her head in her pillow to groan. Her nerves were showing, and she had really wanted to have this conversation without them making her ramble incessantly.

 

“Oh,” Regina repeated, the single syllable being stretched out, quiet but heavy.

 

The knots in Emma’s stomach tightened, twisting themselves into each other. Every second of silence worsened the uncomfortable feeling in her abdomen, encouraged her racing heartbeat to speed up, her heart to pound harder against her chest cavity. She wondered if maybe she should have eased into all of that, if she should have made more of an effort to keep the words from snowballing out of her mouth.

 

“Regina?” she whispered into the phone when the silence became too much for her.

 

The other woman’s breath rushed against the receiver. “I’m here,” she said, her words coming out slowly. “You just... I wasn’t expecting that.”

 

Emma bit the inside of her cheek, unsure what to say. She didn’t want to backtrack, didn’t want to tell Regina to just forget she had said anything. This conversation felt like one they should have had two months ago, like it was long overdue. Maybe it wouldn’t change anything between them, at least nothing on the surface, but it still felt important. If the only thing to come out of them talking about Robin was clarity, then Emma would be okay with that. There was no denying that she wanted more, that she still felt a pull between Regina and herself that she actively had to choose to ignore, but she also valued her friendship with Regina above anything else they could be.

 

She released a quiet breath and shifted on the bed, finding a comfortable position that allowed her to see out the open window. Her eyes immediately latched onto the moon, and for a moment she felt less like a ball of overactive nerves and more like herself. No matter what happened, she knew they would find a way to get through it. Whether it was good or bad, whatever Regina shared with her, whatever decisions were made, all of it, they would move forward. It was what they did, and remembering that made her settle easily.

 

“I shouldn’t have rushed into that,” Emma said, pulling her lips into her mouth, squeezing them together as she waited to see if Regina would say anything in response.

 

“No.” There was a pause, and then she cleared her throat. “No, it’s all right. I should be used to it by now,” she said with a small chuckle. It sounded like the nerves that appeared to have zipped through her system moments ago were settling just as Emma’s were. “You’ve always rushed in once you were ready to talk about something.”

 

The corner of Emma’s mouth jumped, a smile appearing on her lips. Her eyes closed, Emma no longer needing the moon for comfort when Regina’s voice was giving her all that she needed. “Yeah, well, there’s a lot going on in my head most of the time.”

 

“Because you have a horrible habit of letting things sit for too long,” Regina said knowingly, and Emma couldn’t disagree with that. It was a bad habit they shared.

 

“I don’t wanna let this sit. I wanna talk about it.”

 

“We should,” Regina said softly, releasing a breath against the phone. A short pause, and then Regina said, very matter-of-factly: “Robin and I are no longer in a relationship.”

 

She released a sigh of relief. Although she had already assumed that, hearing it from Regina herself, knowing for sure, made all the difference. It was no longer just Emma piling up little details and noticing a pattern. It was real now.

 

“So.” Emma swallowed and then bit the corner of her lip, thinking. She had a lot of questions she wanted to ask, a lot she wanted to know, but she had no idea where to start. “Since when?” she settled on.

 

“Weeks before your phone call,” Regina answered without hesitation.

 

Emma’s brow furrowed slightly with a mixture of surprise and confusion. “Weeks?”

 

“As I’m sure I’ve said plenty of times, it was complicated. We– he and I were together for a little over two years, and as you may have assumed, we lived together for part of that time.” Regina let out a lengthy breath, not continuing.

 

“You okay?”

 

“Yes. I’m just gathering my thoughts.”

 

“If you don’t wanna tell me details...”

 

“No, it’s not that. I’ve been wanting to have this conversation with you for a while now. I just need a moment,” Regina said, and Emma gave her the time she needed to collect her thoughts. “I didn’t feel like myself with him, and it took me a while to realize that. Our relationship was easy – but not in a good way. We got along well, Roland warmed up to me easily, and it, at one point, felt like it could work long-term.”

 

“But?”

 

“Robin made no difference in my life,” Regina said with a heavy breath. “I could go days without seeing him, without hearing from him, and he wouldn’t even cross my mind. I didn’t miss him. My life was no better or worse with him in it, and, maybe someone else might look at that as a good thing, and I did for a while, but I soon realized that we were wasting our time with each other. I didn’t need a roommate. I didn’t need someone to sit down beside me just for the sake of it. We were filling spaces in each other’s life, nothing more. I don’t think we ever truly knew each other. We knew enough to hold a conversation, but...”

 

“He didn’t know the stuff that mattered,” Emma said quietly.

 

“No,” Regina replied. “I don’t think I wanted him to. I wasn’t myself with him. I didn’t allow him to see past what was on the outside. You know? I kept him at a distance.”

 

“So when I called...”

 

“When you called, we were still living together out of convenience.” Regina’s took a moment to clear her throat before continuing. “I was not romantically involved with him anymore, if that was what you were wondering. As I said, we had reached a point where we were merely two people living under one roof. He wanted us to work out our problems and salvage the relationship, but we couldn’t fix something that had never broken. Nothing had happened to cause us to separate. We just weren’t right for each other, and that isn’t something you can fix.”

 

“Then...” Emma bit her cheek and stopped herself from asking the question that had almost left her mouth. She had wondered since that night, but it didn’t really matter. Regina had cleared up a lot of what had been unclear for Emma, and she didn’t want to spend all night talking about Robin, especially now that she knew for sure Regina was not involved with him.

 

“What?” Regina asked, though.

 

Emma hesitated, but then she rolled over onto her back and approached the topic, her hand slipping under her tank top to absently stroke her stomach. “The bathroom,” she answered, “when I called, it sounded like you were hiding in a bathroom.”

 

A small chuckle caught in Regina’s throat. “I thought you might ask about that,” she said, and Emma could almost see the smirk she knew was on her lips. “I was,” she confirmed, “but not because of the reasons I’m sure you believed I was.”

 

“I thought you had someone else in your bed.”

 

“Hmm. No, we stopped sleeping together long before you called. He slept in the room beside mine, however, and our beds were only separated by a wall that was in no way any good at keeping sounds out from the opposite room. I didn’t want to have the call where he could hear it, but it wasn’t because we were together.”

 

“That’s... That’s good to know.”  

 

She hummed. “Anything else, or have I satisfied your curiosity?” Regina asked lightly.

 

Emma started to shake her head in the negative, but then she remembered something that had seemed odd to her. “One more thing.”

 

“Okay. What is it?”

 

“My name,” Emma said simply. “He knew who I was. Why?”

 

“He correctly assumed your name, yes, but he didn’t actually know who you were,” Regina said, like there was a big difference, “and that was only possible because of an invasion of my privacy, not because I told him anything about you.”

 

“An invasion–”

 

“My phone, he went through it,” Regina told her, her voice hardening for a moment. “He believed me to be having an affair, couldn't see why I wouldn’t give our relationship another chance if not for that. He read your text messages to me, which were–”

 

“Innocent,” Emma said. “We only spoke a few times before Boston.”

 

There was a faint laugh that surprised Emma, and then Regina hummed. “I recall you telling me that you were thinking about me in the middle of the night once, Emma.”

 

“I couldn’t sleep,” she responded easily. Her cheeks warmed slightly, however, as she remembered the night she had sent the message. Regina hadn’t responded, but that didn’t keep Emma from thinking about her. It didn’t stop what followed her thoughts.

 

“He thought it was inappropriate.”

 

“Well, it wasn’t for him. He shouldn’t have been reading messages that weren’t sent to him,” Emma huffed out.

 

“Yes, well...” She released a soft breath. “Anyway, none of that matters anymore. What was between Robin and I is in the past, and it will remain there. Even if there had been any desire to stay with him at the time, his lack of trust would have destroyed it.”

 

Hearing that, Emma decided, “Robin is irrelevant,” and let the rest of her questions and curiosities fade away. Like Regina said, none of that mattered.

 

“Indeed,” Regina agreed.

 

“You could have just told me all of that before, you know. You didn’t have to be all cryptic.”

 

“Cryptic,” she repeated with amusement.

 

“Mhm,” Emma hummed. “You’re very cryptic sometimes, Regina. All the ‘it’s complicated’ and ‘not what it seems’ and everything,” she explained. “I thought the two of you were, you know...”

 

“You thought we were in a relationship. Yes, I’m aware. Now you know that we weren’t.”

 

Emma wondered how much would be different if she had known Regina wasn’t in a relationship when she was in Boston. She would have still felt terrible for showing up how she did, but there would have been no reason for her to feel guilty for wanting Regina back. She wouldn’t have felt like she needed to keep her attraction contained, buried, hidden away. The conversation they had as they sat beside the pool came back to her mind, the same questions she had had in the morning coming along with it. She sat up in the bed, moving so her back was against the headboard.

 

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” she wondered aloud. There had to be a reason Regina hadn’t spoken about this before. Before Emma asked her about anything else, allowed herself to think anymore about what laid ahead of them, she needed to know why it had taken almost two months for them to have a conversation that could have been had weeks ago.

 

Regina hummed thoughtfully, and then a long silence followed that small noise. “At first,” she said slowly, and Emma could hear the heaviness of the emotions she was trying to keep at bay in those two words, “I was unsure whether I should or not, for my sake. I knew what you wanted, what you were hoping we could reclaim if we were able to move past what happened eight years ago. I didn’t...” She huffed out a breath, long and tired. “I spent so long trying to forget you, Emma, but I never could.

 

“When you called me, everything that I felt for you, every longing, every ounce of love for you that still resided inside of me, came flooding in from where I tried to keep it locked away. It was overwhelming, and honestly, I wasn’t ready to properly deal with any of it. I didn’t want to do anything that might give you hope, that might reveal how much I still...” She trailed off with another heavy breath, not finishing her thought. “I didn’t want you to fight for me.”

 

Emma closed her eyes and pulled her knees towards her chest, head resting on them. “You wanted me, though,” Emma whispered into the phone. It wasn’t a question, no uncertainty in her voice. “You didn’t want to reveal how much you still wanted me.”

 

“No, I didn’t,” she said honestly, her voice quieter. “It felt like it had been too long. A second chance after all the time that had passed without us having any contact with one another? That didn’t feel possible to me. We connected on levels I’ve never connected with another, and I had spent years remembering that, wanting that back, holding on to something that we might not still have had.”

 

“But we do. Time didn’t change how easily we get each other.”

 

“It didn’t,” Regina agreed. “There was no way of knowing that without getting to know one another again, though. And, knowing that wouldn’t have changed that I didn’t believe that I would be given another chance when I felt as though I had used up my supply of luck. You said it yourself, what we had, what we shared, that kind of love – honest, fulfilling, and accepting – that doesn’t come often. It’s rare, and I didn’t know if I could have it again.”

 

“You don’t still feel that way, do you? I mean, you know how much you mean to me, how much I–”

 

“Of course I do, darling,” Regina said, her voice a sweet whisper that made Emma sigh and smile.

 

She nodded against her knees. “Okay. I just wanted to make sure. I get it, you know, not being sure you can have what you want. I get being hesitant.”

 

Regina hummed. “I had planned on telling you some of this before you left Boston, at least enough so you knew that Robin and I were not entangled as you believed us to be. I hadn’t been ready at first, and then when I was, you...” She exhaled a rough breath.

 

“Me? What did I do?” Emma questioned, sitting up in the bed. Her stomach felt oddly tight, uncomfortable.

 

“It’s what you didn’t do,” she said as she exhaled another breath, this one not as harsh but still heavy with emotion. “Even when I pointed out to you that you were making decisions without including me, you continued to make the decision that affected both of us. If you had simply asked me instead of assuming for yourself what I wanted, assuming that you alone knew what was best for us, you would have known how I felt, as well as the truth about Robin. You wanted to take the romantic and physical aspect of our previous relationship off the table, so I decided to let you.”

 

“I didn’t want to. I...” Emma frowned, her heart feeling heavy in her chest. She had been so sure of herself in Boston, so sure that she was doing the right thing for all of them. She was respecting the relationship she believed Regina to be in and making sure she didn’t lose her chance to get her friend back. “Why didn’t you just tell me? You could have told me that there was no reason for me to try to move on.”

 

“I could have,” Regina agreed, “but part of me was still willing to accept whatever I could have with you and Henry without wanting for more than was offered.” She sighed. “I was given the second chance I didn’t believe was possible. Reentering your life, being able to not only see the remarkable boy Henry had become but being welcomed back with open arms by him, that was what mattered most to me. I was full of gratitude, and anything else that could have been between us felt like it might have been too much to hope for, regardless of what I knew we both wanted.

 

“You were convinced that you were doing what was right. Were you? I don’t know. But, look at where we are right now. Best choice or not, we, all three of us, are happy with what we have.”

 

“But...” She sighed.

 

“What?” Regina asked after a moment of silence.

 

She shook her head, fingers absently picking at a loose thread on her pillowcase. “Nothing.”

 

Regina hummed. “Nothing, as in you had nothing to say – which I find unlikely? Or, nothing, as in I’m not going to tell you what I’m thinking?”

 

Emma rolled her eyes, her chest loosening a little. “The last one,” she admitted.

 

Regina hummed again, this time letting a quiet breath follow it. “If you change–”

 

“I don’t want to say the wrong things,” Emma said, interrupting her. “Apparently, it’s what I’m best at. I make the wrong decisions. I say the wrong things. I keep messing up in some way.”

 

“Don’t be so melodramatic,” Regina said, a faint chuckle and a huff both in her throat. “Your intentions are always good, and I love that about you, Emma. Your refusal to see more than what is directly in front of you at times, however, I could do without.”

 

Emma moved to stand up, suddenly feeling the urge to be on her feet. She walked aimlessly around her bedroom, ending up at the window once again, looking up at the moon. It had always been a reminder that the bad times would pass, and while she wasn’t struggling with anything difficult at the moment, it reminded her that she would always find a way to keep moving forward. She had been homeless, on her own, and without a family to even miss her once before. That had all changed, and she knew that, eventually, even if she didn’t know when or how, that was typically how things worked in life – they changed.

 

And the change that Emma had on her mind as she stared up at the sky involved Regina and their future together, their future with Henry.

 

“What do you want?” Emma questioned, asking what she should have asked back in Boston.

 

“What do I want?” Regina sounded confused.

 

Emma turned her back to the window and leaned against the windowsill. “Yeah. I want to raise Henry together without miles of distance between us. I don’t really care where we are, but I want to be together. I’ve been looking at places in Boston, searching for a job over there. It’s a possibility, you know, us moving there, being closer to you. I want that. I mean, there’s also a job I could possibly get here, which would be kind of like a promotion and a great opportunity, but not really what I want for myself if it means that we’re going to spend the rest of forever having family dinner with a laptop. You know? So, like...” She sucked in a mouthful of air and then let it out, nothing but silence following her rush of words. She shut her eyes. “What do you want?” she asked again, soft and slow.

 

There was a deafening silence, and then Regina asked a question that, of course, focused on the small detail surrounded by what Emma thought mattered most. “You’re up for a promotion?”

 

Emma opened her eyes just so she could stare blankly at the floor. “Seriously? _That’s_ what you pulled out of all of that?”

 

“I am still processing the rest,” Regina said simply, and she at least sounded calm, not like Emma had overwhelmed her. “But, you said something about a job there. Tell me more.”

 

“It’s pretty much what I do now, but with more responsibilities, supervisory responsibilities I don’t have right now, more paperwork – which will suck–”

 

“You never did enjoy doing paperwork,” Regina said with a throaty laugh that made Emma smile. “Would you still be working with the young adults that come in, or would you be chained to a desk? I know that’s something you don’t like.”

 

“You know me so well,” Emma said, chuckling slightly but meaning what she said. “It’s at a different center, so I’m not sure about that yet. I don’t think I would have to give up working directly with the clients, though. Lance – the director where I work now – works closely with them, and the job he wants me to apply for is only an assistant director, so I shouldn’t have to worry about that.”

 

“That sounds wonderful, Emma.”

 

Emma shrugged a little. “I mean, it would be if I could get it, but–”

 

“Don’t even,” Regina warned. “I won’t tolerate any of your self-doubts this time.”

 

She rolled her eyes, smiling as she leaned her head back against the window. “Fine. No self-doubt. I’m fucking incredible, and they would be lucky to have me.”

 

“That’s more like it,” Regina said, laughing again, the sound still having the power to warm Emma’s skin even when filtering through the phone.

 

She sighed, wrapping her free arm around herself. “It’s not a guaranteed thing yet, though. I didn’t even decide if I wanted to apply for the job,” she admitted.

 

“Does it not appeal to you? It sounds to me like it does.”

 

“It does, yeah, but... All that other stuff that you’re ‘processing’, well, it means more to me.” She chewed on the corner of her lip as Regina hummed. “If there’s any chance that we could bring our family back together, properly back together, I want that.”

 

“Maybe...” Regina let out a soft breath and didn’t continue right away, something making her pause and hold onto her words as she hummed again, a long one this time, thoughtful. “Perhaps you could have both. Boston has never felt like home to me, and I never stopped wanting to share my life with you, Emma. I never stopped wanting to be a part of Henry’s life.”

 

Emma’s breath rushed into the phone, but no words left her mouth.

 

“Maybe it’s time we started the life we had planned on having with our son all those years ago. I think it’s been a long enough wait, don’t you?”

 

Could they? Could Emma really have her family, all of her family? Could they get back everything they had lost? Emma didn’t know, but she knew one thing – they could try.

 

So, feeling hope fill her chest, images of all the possibilities form in her mind, she smiled, feeling and sounding breathless as she said: “Yes, I think it’s been long enough. A family, a home, all of us together – it’s time we had that.”

 

And as she listened to the soft breath that passed Regina’s lips, and she imagined her smiling just as Emma herself was, she knew that they were finally moving to the place they belonged: with each other.

 


	38. Chapter 38

**August 2017**

 

Life had a way of making sure you always ended up where you needed to be. It might have been hard to see it if you stopped at a random moment and looked around yourself, but that was because you missed the significance of the little things as they were happening. It wasn’t until it all came together that you saw that everything happened for a reason. It wasn’t until then that you realized that, even if the road that led to where you were was a tough one, it was the right one for you. It was right because it brought you where you needed to be.

 

Emma’s road led her to her family. Ups and downs, losses and gains, struggles and accomplishments, all to bring her to the group of people who had brought into her life a feeling of inclusion that she had never felt growing up. She thought about that as she lay in the grass, soaking up the sun during the picnic Mary Margaret had put together.

 

The sound of laughter and excited voices were all around her, strangers and friends alike. She could hear Lance’s rough chuckle as he and David told an old story of a fishing trip, a story that had Emma shaking her head as she listened along, wondering who allowed the two of them on a boat in the first place. Guinevere was adding in commentary that was similar to Emma’s own thoughts, pointing out all the times they had fallen into the water and how they only caught one fish the entire weekend trip the two couples had taken. Mary Margaret was quieter, talking to her newborn baby, words Emma couldn’t make out but thought sounded soft and happy.

 

Henry was the only one she couldn’t hear, for he lay beside her, arms folded under his head, quiet. Every few minutes, she would open her eyes and look in his direction, but he was watching the clouds and the time. He was waiting. They were both waiting, included in the bunch that were already enjoying the sandwiches and other treats Mary Margaret had packed in the picnic basket but missing an integral part of their family. Regina was supposed to be arriving soon, and they were saving all of their energy for their plans with her.

 

It had been almost three months since Emma and Henry had seen Regina in person. She had come down to Florida for his graduation in May, stayed for a week, and then went back to Boston. It had been the shortest week of Emma’s life. She knew they said time flew by when you were having fun, but it seemed to zip by and disappear. It was like one day she was helping Regina bring her luggage into the apartment, and then the next she was jokingly trying to convince Regina to stay by telling her all the reasons why she didn’t need to go back to Massachusetts and could just stay in Emma’s bed forever. To be fair, Emma had a really comfortable bed, and Regina didn’t seem like she wanted to leave it.

 

During the last three months, they’d more or less decided to just play everything by ear as far as their relationship went. It was as it had been before, doing what felt right to them. With the distance still between them, what felt right was family Skype sessions, late night phone calls even when they had nothing to talk about, and Henry and Emma sending Regina enough pictures to fill the largest photo album she could buy. Of course, they would have all preferred going out somewhere together. They would have preferred being able to hug and kiss each other instead of reaching towards a computer screen for someone they could not physically reach. However, as Regina took care of things in Boston, ensuring her move would be a smooth one once it took place, they took what they could have and cherished it. It was more than they had had for a long time.

 

While everything was working out well overall, there were still things Regina and Emma needed to work on. Emma had destroyed a great deal of Regina’s trust, made it so she doubted what she would have not doubted if Emma had never up and left without warning. Emma still had her own issues, still had trouble not letting her years of being put aside sneak into her mind and make her wonder if it would happen again. But they were both aware of what the other was feeling, and this time they made sure to talk about it more than they had the last time, refused to let small issues grow into bigger ones. They were working on building a healthy relationship, getting back what they had, and, for the most part, they were back to where they had been. Trust would build with time, and that was something they were both sure they had with each other.

 

Emma turned her head to the side, skin warm from the sun. Henry’s face was scrunched up as he looked at the sky, and Emma smiled as she moved her bent leg over and bumped his smaller one. He turned to face her slowly, eyebrows knitted, a question in his eyes until he noticed her grin and returned it. Sometimes he beamed like there was light inside of him that was spilling out and being shared with the world. She didn’t know where he got that light from, but it warmed her heart seeing him so happy all the time. At his age, she was the exact opposite, had already started hating the world, but there was something so pure about Henry, something she hoped he never lost.

 

Henry knocked his knee into Emma’s thigh and then closed his eyes, sighing contently, and Emma smiled as she did the same, the two of them continuing to wait. A few dozen more minutes were nothing compared to how long they had been waiting to have all of their family together the way it should have always been. They could handle the short wait; knowing that it would be the last for a long while made it especially easy.

 

* * *

 

Someone swatted Emma’s leg with the frisbee the group had brought along with them, making her eyes pop open. She turned her head to glare at Lance, sure it was him, but found Guinevere sheepishly smiling at her instead.

 

She reached up and snatched the frisbee away as she asked, “What’d you do that for?” She sounded almost lethargic as the words dragged out, her brain clearly not fully present in the moment.

 

She’d been far away in her thoughts, thinking about all the things they were going to do once Regina was there. She was just imagining napping with the brunette, knowing she would be tired when she arrived – because Regina, even though it meant days of driving, had chosen to travel by car instead of flying. It was a pleasant thought, wrapping her arms around Regina and being able to hold her close, and Guinevere had interrupted it.

 

The brunette laughed as she shook her head, amusement dancing in her eyes. “I’ve called you five times.”

 

“Oh. Uh. I didn’t hear you.” Emma’s brow furrowed as she sat up on her elbows, the grass tickling her bare arms a little. She shifted and looked at all of her friends, turned to see Henry still watching the clouds. She hadn’t known she was that lost in her own head, but she didn’t feel any guilt for letting herself indulge in thoughts of Regina. “I guess I was somewhere else for a little while.”  

 

“You don’t say,” the other woman said with a smirk, leaning her head against Lance’s shoulder but still looking at Emma. “Regina on your mind, as always?”

 

There were good-natured chuckles coming from every direction. Emma just rolled her eyes and pretended she couldn’t feel herself blushing. So maybe she was a little predictable, and maybe everybody knew how head over heels she was. But it wasn’t like it was without reason. They had all met Regina back in May. They knew how phenomenal Regina was. When they weren’t being assholes and jokingly asking how Emma ended up on the radar of a prestigious hotelier and businesswoman as though it was completely illogical, they, just as Emma, had been in awe of Regina at times. Emma hadn’t met anybody who wasn’t enraptured by Regina once they got to know her, got to see what laid behind the sharp edges and straight lines, and Emma just happened to be at the top of the list of Regina’s admirers.

 

“Leave her,” Lance said, his own laughter dying but still in his caring eyes as he smiled at Emma. “It’s been months, and the day she’s been waiting for is finally here. She’s about to be reunited with the woman she loves. Let her enjoy it.”

 

She was surprised that he wasn’t egging Guinevere on like he normally would, but she smiled gratefully at him. She guessed if anybody understood how she felt, it would probably be him. She realized all of her close friends, the people she considered her family, were all sickeningly in love with their partner, the kind of love that couldn’t be hidden, the kind that was always _there_ in the person’s eyes or clear in their actions, and Lance was the worst. But after waiting ten years to be with the woman who never left his heart, she could understand the way he looked at Guinevere like she was the most precious thing in the world, even after all the time they had been together since their separation. At least she would fit in with the group, she thought with a warm feeling spreading through her chest.

 

“Speaking of being reunited with Regina...” Mary Margaret spoke up from across the blanket, gesturing with her eyes to a spot behind Emma.

 

Following her friend’s line of vision, Emma felt an immediate jolt inside her chest, a rush as she twisted around to search for the person she knew would be there, for the warm brown eyes she knew would be waiting to meet her own. Everyone else turned as well, Henry rolling over beside her and lifting his head, Regina suddenly having six pairs of eyes on her as she came to a stop several feet away. It was like everything had stopped – time, movement, Emma’s heart – that rush followed by a stillness. Everything stopped around her save for the wind that blew through Regina’s shoulder-length hair.

 

It was only a second or two, she knew that, but it felt like a lifetime, that moment where she saw Regina for the first time in person in three months. The smile that broke across Regina’s face when they looked at each other was breathtakingly beautiful, and Emma, as she always did in these situations, happily went breathless looking at her. The curve of that mouth, the crinkles around the safest eyes she knew, the open look of happiness and love that she knew was mirrored on her own features, that was her greeting home, and she wasted no time rising to her feet and going to it, to her, to the very first home Emma had had.

 

Henry beat her to it, his happy squeal of “Mom,” bringing the moment back to real time, all the noise of the busy park flooding back in. Henry ran straight to Regina, and Regina was already crouching down just so, ready to capture their kid in her arms when he flung himself into them. Emma grinned happily as she joined the two, Regina’s eyes flicking up and dancing happily as they latched onto Emma’s. She removed one hand from Henry’s back, and then Emma found her place in the warm embrace she was welcomed to share with them, holding both Regina and Henry to her and wishing she never had to let go. There was something so perfect, so right, about holding on to the two of them. There had been a time when she didn’t think of herself as a hugger, but in that moment, there was nothing more she wanted than to be hugging them.

 

“Missed you,” she whispered into Regina’s ear, more like a breath than spoken words.

 

Regina’s lips kissed her temple, gentle and lingering, not verbally responding but saying more than enough with the kiss and the fingers that curled just a little tighter around Emma. She clung to Emma, and she clung to Henry, and the three of them, finally together again, stayed in that moment for as long as they possibly could.

 

* * *

 

Regina fit into her family like the missing puzzle piece Emma had known her to be all along.

 

Emma was pretty sure Guinevere was already thinking about switching Regina for Emma as her training partner for a marathon next year, and Regina, who apparently hadn’t participated in a marathon since she was in her twenties, sounded like she was up for the challenge. Emma would happily give up her spot but would probably end up being coerced into sticking with the early morning runs when she would rather be sleeping. She preferred to workout at the end of the day, and usually alone. For Guinevere, she had made the exception, and she knew that if Regina did start training with the other brunette and wanted Emma to train with them, she would do it. She might complain a little, because she was Emma, but she wouldn’t really be opposed to spending time with both of them.

 

In May, Lance and Mary Margaret had kept Regina in the kitchen with them every time the group had gotten together for a shared meal during Regina’s visit. Lance handled most cooking, and Mary Margaret was trying to improve her skills, so she usually hung out in the kitchen with Lance when they had game nights – which were really just an excuse to eat and trash talk because they rarely got to the gaming part of the night. When they found out Regina also enjoyed cooking, they had given Regina an apron and Emma had to keep sneaking into the kitchen to steal a few moments with Regina. Three months later, and it was obvious that had only been a preview of what to expect. Regina was giving Mary Margaret pointers on her macaroni salad, Lance was telling her about new recipes he knew she would love to try, and Regina had that twinkle in her eyes that she got when she was genuinely excited about something.

 

“I know that look.”

 

Emma turned away from Regina and raised her brow, looking at David. “What look?” she asked, but she already knew. They all continuously mentioned it. They said her eyes got softer when she was talking to and about Regina, and even when she was thinking about her. She stopped trying to deny it, knew that everything about her felt softer and warmer when Regina was on her mind.

 

David only smiled, settling down beside her on the bench a few yards away from the blanket everybody was sitting around, his shoulder resting against hers. She and Regina had been sitting there together before Henry dragged her away so she could help him tell a story about something from a movie the two had watched together that Emma hadn’t seen. She loved them both, but they were history buffs, and she just couldn’t stay focused on some of the stuff they liked. She liked to give them alone time during those nights, would have dinner with them and let Henry finish Skyping with Regina by himself.

 

“She’s already one of us,” he said, as though he knew exactly what had been on Emma’s mind as she sat back and watched everyone. His eyes flicked over to his wife, the smile he wore growing as it always did when he looked at her. “Mary Margaret was always sure that things would work out for the two of you. I don’t think she thought it would take so long, but...” He laughed a little.

 

Emma joined in with a small chuckle. “Yeah, well, some things take time. MM’s got enough faith and hope to last decades, though. I doubt she would have ever given up on believing things would work out.”

 

“She always knew how important Regina was to you,” he said simply, and Emma knew it truly was that simple. Mary Margaret just wanted her happy, and even though there had been a time where Emma had been hurting because of Regina, overall, nobody made her happier than Regina did.

 

Emma let out a soft breath, letting her eyes move back to the others. When she caught Regina’s eyes on her, she stuck out her tongue and watched Regina’s nose wrinkle as a smile pulled at her lips. Regina tilted her head, silently requesting her presence, and Emma patted David’s knee as she got up.

 

“I’m gonna–”

 

“Go ahead. Don’t keep her waiting,” he said with a knowing smile, and she could see how happy he was for her even when he didn’t say it. They all were. They might tease her and joke around, but it was obvious they were all happy for her.

 

And that was what family was about, she thought, celebrating what made each other happy while also being able to joke around. That, at least, was the way it was with the family she had found for herself.

 

* * *

 

“You ready, kid?” Emma asked as she looked to the backseat of Regina’s car later on in the day.

 

They had stayed for another hour with everybody at the park, gone to the apartment to unpack Regina’s car and rest for another hour, and then, after watching it rain for a few minutes before the sun reappeared after its short disappearing act, they had left the apartment. They were now across town from where they currently lived, sitting outside a four bedroom, two-floor house with a finished bonus room in its attic. The beginning of the next stage in life felt like it was just beyond the elegant gate that surrounded the property. It was a large home with spacious rooms from what Emma had seen in the pictures, bigger than she thought necessary, but it was also walking distance from the beach and close to one of the best schools in the area. Regina and Emma both loved it. Henry hadn’t seen the pictures yet, so they were hoping he would agree that it was, sorta, maybe, the perfect home.

 

Henry nodded eagerly and unbuckled his seatbelt. “You know what I was thinking?” he asked, looking back and forth between his moms.

 

Regina responded by turning to face him with an open smile. Emma raised her brow, slightly grinning in response to the excitement that was in his voice. “Not a clue, but I’m guessing you’re about to tell us.”

 

He leaned forward a little, like he couldn’t get close enough, like he was about to tell them the most important thing they would ever hear in their life and they couldn’t miss it. “We should get a dog,” he said, slowly but surely. That light Emma loved so much was spilling out of him. “Wouldn’t that be perfect?! Ma and I could never get one because the building didn’t allow pets. But if we have a house, we could totally have a dog, right?”

 

“And who’s going to take care of this dog, Henry?” Regina asked, always the responsible one. Emma was glad she didn’t answer first because her first question would have been about the breed.

 

Henry twisted his lips together, thoughtful for a few seconds before he pointed to himself. “Me. It can’t be that hard, right?” He shrugged his shoulders a little.

 

Emma laughed quietly in her throat and unlocked the car door. “Uh, yeah it can. Dogs are a lot of responsibility, Henry. You have to walk them, feed them, clean up after them, give them baths...” She trailed off as she opened the car door. “They’re cute and fun, but they need a lot of attention.”

 

Henry and Regina followed her out of the car, doors closing quietly before they gathered in front of the gate. He looked pleadingly at Regina. “It could be for my birthday – which is in nine days.” He added the last part as though he hadn’t been counting down for almost a month.

 

“You already have a birthday present – New York – and then the other things we’ve bought for you,” Emma said, straightening out the simple top she had put on to replace the racerback tank top she had worn to the park.

 

They were going to New York for a week, and Regina had bought him a DSLR camera that Emma thought was too much but didn’t say anything about. It was visiting places from their past just as much as it was going somewhere new for Henry, and Emma had bought him a brand new sketchbook and some art supplies in preparation for the stories he would come up with as they drew in the park, something they would get to share with Regina for the first time.

 

Regina brushed her fingers through his hair as she smiled warmly at him. “How about we table this discussion for another time?”

 

“That sounds like a no,” Henry said, frowning as he started to look away.

 

Regina gently lifted his head back so he was looking at her. Emma didn’t think there was anything Regina couldn’t convey with her eyes, and the promise she was making him was clearly there when she said: “We have a lot of other things we need to take care of before we can consider bringing a dog into the house – for instance, getting a house – but tabling the discussion is in no way a no. In the meantime, we can find an animal shelter and, perhaps, start there.”

 

“David works at one,” Emma supplied helpfully.

 

“See? We’ll talk to David about you being able to spend some time with a dog or two. You can volunteer and help out if it’s possible.”

 

“You mean doing stuff like cleaning?” Henry asked miserably.

 

Emma shook her head. “Kid, that’s part of taking care of a dog, too.”

 

He huffed out a breath and nodded, accepting it. “Okay, but don’t forget.”

 

“We won’t,” Regina said, giving his arm a squeeze and then patting his shoulder, making him turn to face the gate so they could go through it. “Now...”

 

“Let’s go see if this is the one,” Emma said, opening the gate.

 

* * *

 

Some things just felt right, and the house was one of them. The real estate agent had allowed them time to walk around on their own, and so they had let Henry bring them from room to room. He was so much like Regina, full of ideas and visions, and the entire time the two of them were bouncing ideas off of each other. Regina had furniture placement already figured out in her head, and Henry had practically decorated the room he had claimed as his own. Emma had added in a few times, but mostly she was just enjoying how enthusiastic they became around each other. It was one of the best things ever, and she was glad that it was something she would soon be getting to see every day.

 

“I can see us here,” Emma said as her arms wrapped around Regina from behind, chin resting against Regina’s shoulder. She was watching from the hallway as Henry opened closet doors and then disappeared into the Jack and Jill bathroom he discovered.

 

Regina hummed and slid her fingers between Emma’s, their hands clasped together in front of Regina’s stomach. She leaned back and seemed to melt into Emma, like she knew that she was safe in the blonde's arms. “With a dog?” she asked in a soft voice, smirking.

 

The corner of Regina’s eyes crinkled, and Emma couldn’t resist the urge to lift her head and kiss her there. “Maybe,” she answered as she listened to Regina’s soft hum. “I could get used to a dog being around. Actually, I used to have a dog at one of my foster homes. He was a golden retriever, the best friend I ever had.”

 

“Oh?” Regina tilted her head to the side. “The best?”

 

“Well, before you of course,” she said, squeezing her arms around Regina.

 

“Of course,” Regina whispered, looking into Emma’s eyes, her own twinkling beautifully.

 

When Regina continued looking at her without turning back around, Emma raised her brow. “What?” she asked, a sound that was almost a chuckle in her throat.

 

Regina blinked slowly and then shook her head, unlacing their fingers so she could turn around and face Emma. She looked towards the stairs, and then back at Emma, a tender expression making her features soften and the warmth in her eyes spill out. She brought her hands up to frame Emma’s face and caressed her cheeks, fingers smoothly brushing over skin and then finding a resting place curled around Emma’s shoulders. She looked content and happy, and the way she let out a soft breath and let her body sway into Emma’s felt a lot like falling into place.

 

Emma’s heart flipped with excitement but calmed easily. Everything eventually calmed with Regina, even when she leaned in and brushed her lips across the brunette's mouth gently. Regina smiled, and Emma, so captivated by the smile on Regina’s mouth, couldn’t stop herself from going back in for another kiss, softly sucking a lip between her own. It was just as short as the first one, but it did not lack the love that was strong and powerful between them. Regina hummed in satisfaction, and Emma laughed, kissing her again, just once more, glad that she could again, happy that Regina was once again in her arms, right where she belonged.

 

“Moms,” Henry called out from the bathroom, making them pull away from each other a few inches, attention turning to the bathroom he was still inside. “Come look at this showerhead. It’s so cool.”

 

Regina’s interest was genuine when she perked up, and Emma just shook her head, amused by both of them as she let Regina hurry off to check out the bathroom with Henry. At the door, Regina stopped, looking over her shoulder. She held her hand out and tilted her head towards the bathroom she stood in front of, and Emma left her spot at the doorway to watch her two favorite design geeks fawn over a showerhead, wishing to be nowhere else in the world. Right there with Henry and Regina, she knew, was where she always wanted to be.

 

They were her family, and she was thinking, maybe this could be their home. It had taken them time to get where they were, but it finally felt like everything was going as it should. Emma smiled a little to herself, thinking how all of this was possible because of her lack of impulse control and a little liquid courage. Maybe late night phone calls to people left behind in the past was a good thing after all.

 

Some people weren’t meant to stay away forever. Even once they left, no matter how much time had passed, they belonged with you and you with them, and you two would always find a way back to each other. The way in which you entered the other’s life again did not matter. The reasons for leaving once before could be solved, and they would be with the appropriate time given to heal old wounds. The road back to each other might be a winding one with many bumps, but in the end, once you have reached the other in the middle, it would feel like coming home, like filling an emptiness that only the other could. Some people weren’t meant to stay away forever, and those who weren’t, those who felt the pull in their chest that only lessened when they neared the one they had left behind, those were the people who came back.

 

Regina was that person for Emma Swan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Congrats! You've made it to the end of the fic and the beginning of their next stage in the life they'll share together. Hope you've enjoyed the journey (especially since you read through 160k words to go on it with them). 
> 
> Don't forget comments are love, I love you, and unrequited love is no fun... so, yeah, tell me what you thought.


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